<p>It occurs to me that I don’t remember ever actually seeing an open casket, so I suppose, hard as it is to believe, that I’ve never been to a non-Jewish funeral. Unless the memory of seeing one was so traumatic that I’ve blocked it out.</p>
<p>^^^I do know that not all Christian funerals involve open caskets. You may have been to one which did not.</p>
<p>While observant Jews sit Shiva for a week in my experience it’s generally a one evening open house among my less observant friends. </p>
<p>I’m very happy I’ve never attended any open casket ceremonies. The wakes with the casket in the home are creepy enough for me.</p>
<p>In my (culturally Protestant but mostly atheist) family there’s usually some sort of Memorial event where people share some memories and we sing some songs. </p>
<p>My mother-in-law had a lovely Quaker Meeting type service. She was a Christian Scientist, but her children hated her church because of the way they dropped her when she began to show signs of dementia. She worked at a Quaker School so that’s where the memorial was.</p>
<p>Just a word about a Catholic funeral Mass–the Communion was mentioned in an early post. Non Catholics must not take Communion.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4 - we (my sisters and I) had that situation with my brother who died unexpectedly at home, alone. We “found” him about 36+ hours later so the city ME had to examine the body to determine that no foul play was involved. If we were observant then cutting of the body and delaying the burial would have been a problem but we’re not and we wanted to know what happened as well so we gave them permission to do an autopsy. It was pretty obviously not foul play so that was never really an issue.</p>
<p>I must say though that these customs permeate your being whether you want them to or not and I suddenly became very upset that his head had been cut open and his brain had been removed and then “replaced” without stitching him back up (against Jewish custom). I called my Rabbi for reassurance that my brother would be okay in death even with this blatant anti-Jewish situation we put him in.</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure if you’re orthodox or a strong conservative an autopsy is not allowed and would not be done or would have some very explicit rules that would have to be followed. Orthodox Jews don’t even use an undertaker - members of the congregation wash and dress the corpse and prepare them for burial (same sex of course).</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry about your friend though. Most Jews are aware that many do not know our customs, especially if they are not from heavily Jewish areas. Mourning is mourning and a friend, even from across the country, is always welcome to show concern in time of need. If you’re not going to be present then the biggest difference is probably the no flowers rule and if you do decide to send food just call the Second Avenue Deli in Manhattan and ask them if they deliver to your friend’s address. If they don’t ask them for a Brooklyn recommendation. Planting trees in Israel, as someone else suggested, is also a good thing.</p>
<p>In a Christian viewing and wake, it is usually up to the family to decide whether the casket is to be open or closed. A lot depends on the manner of death and whether the remains are not in terrible condition. It was once, also, a common custom for people to photograph the body as it was laid out. I know my elderly relatives have quite a collection of these types of photos. It was also quite common for the deceased to be laid out in their home, with 24 hour attendance by family members before the funeral and burial. </p>
<p>I know there is a “yuk” factor that some may associate with the custom of open caskets or photographing the dead. But the tradition is one based on a high regard for the human body because it has housed the soul. And a profound respect for the dead. As well as a belief in the resurrection of the body. </p>
<p>I know also that the Jewish treatment of the dead is based on a profound respect for the dead and their body. There are many traditions and customs that honor the dead, all equal in dignity, I believe.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I can as I’ve seen it. One important thing to know is if the family is Ashkenazi or Sephardic as traditions may vary quite a bit. However, I attended open caskets at both types and one was a conservative service. Also, it’s important to know if they are Reform, Conservative or Orthodox. Some families will cover mirrors during shiva and even turn photos around and burn a special candle that lasts for a week. They may go to shul every day to recite Kaddish. When my mother died, my father went almost daily for a year to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish and I sometimes went with him. We went on Saturdays as well – it was a very conservative synagogue. Often, you will see the immediate family members have a pin with a black ribbon pinned to their clothes at the funeral and the ribbon is cut by the rabbi at the graveside – hearkening back to the idea of tearing clothes, etc. Depending on the culture, food can or can’t be brought. When my father-in-law died, everyone brought my MIL enough food to last a year. When my grandmother died, my MIL showed up with a dish and my aunt (from another part of the world) was offended and wondered if she “thought this was a party.” It was the bereaved family’s responsibility to feed the guests in her culture. Jews come from all parts of the world and often carry tradition and meaning with them from their part of the world. Also, graveside there is often a tradition of everyone shoveling some dirt onto the casket once it is in the ground. But, honestly, the range is so huge between cultural differences and degree of observance and probably parts of the country.</p>
<p>I should correct myself re the open casket. At one funeral, the casket was open prior to the service for immediate family only and then closed when others entered. At the other, I believe it was open the entire time but it was definitely open for everyone who wanted to view to have a chance to come up. Not sure if it stayed open or was closed during the service. But I think they are usually closed. Also, if you attend the service, there is usually a liturgy that is followed. I wish I knew less about this.</p>
<p>mathmom–are there very many wakes with the casket in the home in your area? In my part of the midwest, this was much more prevalent during the first half of the 1900’s, but I’ve never heard of it here in my life-time.</p>
<p>Someone mentioned Christian families have the choice of open or closed casket. True, but in our area, unless the deceased was in a traumatic accident, they are almost always open casket. If it’s closed (and there was no accident), then mourners start asking/wondering why it is closed.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the posts. This thread is very enlightening.</p>
<p>You should know a couple of things about when a Jewish family is sitting shiva: first, there will be a time when the rabbi and ten members of the community will come to say prayers with the family, and second, the mourners are under no obligation to make small talk. In observant families, not only will the mirrors be covered, but the immediate family will sit on stools and possibly wear slippers, as the wearing of leather is not permitted during mourning.</p>
<p>Wuggroe - I am a Protestant and took communion at a Catholic funeral service. God doesn’t care. The priest didn’t stop people and ask which faith they were - those of us who believe in God and felt led to partake in communion, did so.</p>
<p>wuggroe said “Non-Catholics must not take Communion” in Post #24. Why is that? Isn’t that up to one’s own convictions? Seems to me, that’s between the individual and one’s god.</p>
<p>Regarding communion at a Catholic funeral Mass, or any Mass for that matter- you are right in that no one is asking when one comes up for communion whether or not the receiver is Catholic. And, I hope, never will. </p>
<p>Catholics, however, request that only other Catholics, or Orthodox Christians, or, in rare cases otherwise approved by a bishop, take communion, out of respect for the differences in theology about the Real Presence and belief in transubstantiation- ie, that the substance AND the matter become the Body and Blood of Christ.</p>
<p>Ive gotten an update- they are having a memorial service Friday, so Iam guessing not as observant as I thought.( or maybe he wasn’t even Jewish?)
They actually live in town- I mentioned Brooklyn, cause she still has quite the accent, but they have only lived out here for 10yrs or so.</p>
<p>I have only been to two open casket funerals in my lifetime.
One was a friend who died when he was 19 from injuries received in a car accident & the other was my great aunt, and we had been instructed to take photos to send them to family back in Mo. who couldn’t make it.
Most people are cremated in my friends/family.</p>
<p>Her son & daughter in law are with her now- giving her the good drugs I hope.
Her H was a really sweet guy. I can’t imagine what she is going through.
But now I can distract myself thinking about what to make for her to eat.</p>
<p>When observant Jewish men lose a parent, I believe they’re not supposed to shave for a year. Is that also true when a man loses his wife?</p>
<p>Pipmom, I meant no disrespect. My distaste for the idea of open caskets is entirely personal and ingrained (as amtc mentioned), and I fully understand that others feel differently.</p>
<p>I’ve seen the mirrors being covered by families who are Conservative, as well as Orthodox.</p>
<p>In terms of the Orthodox not using an undertaker, I believe there’s also a great deal of reluctance to permit anyone outside the family even to touch the body. When I was seriously ill and had to have major emergency surgery back in 2004, I shared a room after the surgery with an elderly Orthodox person who died one night, in the bed right next to me, with two daughters praying by the bedside throughout the night. (The hospital people tried to throw them out of the room because of the noise they were making, but, as sick as I was, I couldn’t have lived with myself if I’d permitted that, and insisted that they be allowed to stay. I figured that one night without sleep wasn’t going to kill me if the surgery hadn’t. They thanked me, then and afterwards, quite effusively, and I do hope it made a difference to them. For me, it was something of a surreal experience to hear them chanting Hebrew prayers all night, in the darkness, especially given all the morphine I was on. Not to mention the chill that went through me right after the moment of death.) Anyway, when the rabbi and others came in the morning, I remember one of them telling an orderly that he couldn’t touch or move the body, because he wasn’t Jewish. (He used a not-nice word for a non-Jew, which annoyed me.) Maybe that would have been considered even worse than a Jew outside the family doing so.</p>
<p>having lived in the NYC area for a while, several of my Jewish friends & co-workers have educated me on proper etiquette when a relative dies. An appropriate ‘gift’ is a plate of kosher cookies. Many families sit shiva for a week, at which time people come to the house to pay their respects to the survivors. Having plenty of food available is considered polite, so friends & neighbors try to keep trays filled with kosher cold cuts, bagels, etc. Trays of cookies are great for these occasions. You can goggle for these places in Brooklyn. If you need a specific place send me a PM & I’ll get a few recommendations from my husband. </p>
<p>Conservatives & orthodox do not embalm and do not allow autopsies. A friend’s uncle died unexpectively in the Caymans 15 years ago and the family was besides themselves that the authorities required an autopsy and the airline required embalming to transport the body home.</p>
<p>Non-catholics partaking of communion is confusing to me. Am I not free to interpret what communion means to me? I’ve taken communion at catholic services on numerous occasions—never thought anything about it.</p>
<p>By the way, I just remembered that I was at a Catholic funeral for one of the partners at my law firm, a couple of years ago, at a church in Queens. The casket was not open.</p>
<p>DonnaL- no disrespect taken, whatsoever. I’ve known many people who have difficulty with open caskets. There is a finality about viewing a body, despite the undertakers best efforts, that is quite stunning. </p>
<p>My D’s pediatrician was/is an Orthodox Jew. When he lost his mother, he didn’t shave and wore the torn black ribbon. He was one of the folks who explained some of the Jewish traditions to me. I forget the length of mourning time, but something says it was like 6 months. </p>
<p>As for autopsy- I believe that in cases of murder, suspicious death, etc., observant Jews do yield to the necessity of the authorities’ actions, because it is the law. It must be additionally painful, however, I would think.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’ll take a crack at this one. (I will disclose: I am now Jewish, but I was raised Catholic.)</p>
<p>Catholics believe in transubstantiation. They believe that during the Eucharistic prayer at the Mass, the bread and wine are literally (and miraculously) transformed into the body and blood of Jesus. In general, Protestants (except, as far as I know, for some high-church Anglicans) believe that the bread and wine at Communion are still bread and wine, but are symbolic of Jesus’ body and blood. For very many Catholics, the idea that the literal body and blood of Jesus should be consumed by someone who does not recognize them as such falls somewhere between “disturbing” and “sacrilegious.”</p>
<p>So, maybe the question is about “one’s own convictions”? Do your own convictions allow you to undertake an unnecessary action that you know is disturbing to members of another religious tradition, in their own house of worship? Mine wouldn’t. Would your God be cool with that? I think mine wouldn’t.</p>