<p>^ I read the entire thread to see if I can add something new to this respectful discussion.</p>
<p>I will begin by saying that poor Jonri above received more misleading information from the Chabad literature than I can possibly rebut in one post! Also, there is NOTHING wrong with sending or bringing fruit to any Jewish home. If you want to be cautious because you know they keep kosher, just send fruits with thick peels (such as oranges and bananas, rather than porous fruit peels such as apples or grapes). Use a paper plate not your own pretty glass plate that has to be returned. Jonri, that someone turned away your fruit from their table, all I can say is I’m sorry. Usually, delivering uncut fruit on paper plates solves all the issues. Fact is, they could have easily given it to a neighbor and not insulted your kind attempt. I hate those misunderstandings. </p>
<p>More importantly, I want to go back to adding what will help anyone visiting any Jewish family in mourning, regardless of level of observance. These things are universal in Jewish mourning:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Try to visit the person’s home once during shiva, however many days’ duration they declare it. (In general: Conservative/Orthodox/Reconstructionist 7 days; Reform 3 days). Typically a 30-45 minute visit is fine, but once you’re there if you see others present in large numbers, and you still want to be there, just stay on an additional hour or two; get to know their relatives a bit. One of the greatest human kindnesses is to “comfort the bereaved” so your visit will be understood in that vein. </p></li>
<li><p>If you happen to enter the house while prayers are being said, whether in Hebrew or English, gather around quietly, join the group, and wait until prayers are done before greeting anyone or engaging them in conversation as a visitor. Unlike the questions in this thread about communion, there is nothing you can do that will be considered wrong or intrusive during prayer. For example: Stand or sit when others do. If you see others wearing headcovering, you can also as it’s only taken as a sign of respect; but if you refrain from headcovering, that’s not considered disrespectful if you’re not Jewish. Either way. If it seems very important to a family member that all heads be covered, and they are urging it into your hands, just pop on the ounce of silk; frankly it’s not worth upsetting over a 12th century custom. Blend. </p></li>
<li><p>Don’t ring a doorbell, just walk in. Hang up your own coat; if you see an open closet, that’s your cue to just hangar it yourself. Don’t expect the mourning family to service you as when they normally host you. Come in and leave without any social greeting of “hello” or “goodbye.” The family is busy mourning so will absolutely understand the change in normal patterns. Basically, don’t make a big deal of yourself as a visitor. </p></li>
<li><p>When you come close to pay respects, let the mourning family choose the topic of conversation and lead the way. If they are crying, give them a hug; if they are laughing about a baseball game, assume they need the momentary relief and participate with them in the joke. IF they are silent, return their gaze and meet their eyes in silence. Just follow their lead. In that way, you are consoling them. </p></li>
<li><p>IF there’s a pitcher of water at the door, silently pour a little over each hand as you enter and depart their home. It’s not “holy water”; the ritual pouring of water at that doorway is considered a way for all to change status from being out in the world of the living to their world of consolation/grief as you enter and exit their home. And if you don’t see a pitcher of water, don’t ask for one. Not everybody does this custom. </p></li>
<li><p>Any positive memories you have of the deceased, whether you knew them from work or community, are appreciated. Share the story or your perception with the key mourners, who are (in Jewish understanding): spouse, parent, child or sibling of the deceased. They will treasure your story and add it to their recollections. It’s consoling to know that someone was understood in the larger community as a good, decent, kind, humorous person. If the story is laced with sarcasm or ill-will, obviously, don’t share it.</p></li>
<li><p>Be aware of a sequence of timeframes for mourning, in Jewish understanding: </p></li>
</ol>
<p>a. pre-burial, all attention is paid to providing company for the deceased and never leaving him/her alone. So there might be a “chevre kedisha” (community burial society) at the funeral home all night saying prayers, or in DonnaL’s situation right in the hospital bed adjacent. If the person you know is in prayer or reflection, don’t work on consoling them. As long as the body is above the ground, all the focus is there. As soon as the graveside ceremony concludes, the focus shifts from “accompanying the deceased” to “comforting the bereaved” so that’s when your thoughts, memories and active listening to your friend are most appreciated. </p>
<p>b. “Shiva” - the Hebrew word for sitting down - lasts anywhere from 3-7 days depending on the family. That’s the time to visit them at home. Prayers are said in the a.m. and p.m. so when you enter the home, you might find them in prayer; otherwise they are “receiving.” It IS okay to be in the home during the prayer times.</p>
<p>The end of the entire period of Shiva for that family is marked by their walkabout outside the home. (refers to Abraham getting up and walking after he had buried and mourned his wife Sarah, if I recall correctly). It sometimes forces them to recognize it’s time to re-engage, however haltingly, with the world at large. They’ll return to work soon after.</p>
<p>c. “Sh’loshim” - the Hebrew word for 30 - for the key mourners only (spouse, parent, child or sibling), there are limitations for 30 days after burial. Mourners have returned to work but refrain from attending certain social events with gaiety, music and so on. </p>
<p>d. “Shanah” - Hebrew for a year - for the children of the deceased, the expectation to say the Kaddish prayer (mourner’s prayer) daily at home or synagogue; also some restrictions for example not to attend parties with music. So, for example, if their own child (grandchild of the deceased) is married in that year they might attend the ceremony but make themselves scarce at the DJ party following. If they decline to come to your child’s wedding because their parent died in the past year, that’s a “for real” reason to decline your hospitality. </p>
<p>The mourning has stages to re-acclimate the mourner into the full swing of life, but only after timeframes that allow for continued reflection on the person’s meaning in their lives.</p>
<p>After the year of mourning, there’s an anniversary observance, correlating with either the Hebrew or English date of death. If you happen to visit them on those 24 hours, you might also see a 24-hour candle burning (“Yahrtzeit” or remembrance candle), and they’ll put a priority on attending services to say the Kaddish that day and the nearest Sabbath. That goes on as long as the descendent lives.</p>
<ol>
<li>Send charitable donations to causes, instead of flowers! I know it’s hard to fathom, but all the enthusiasm for flowers to decorate the funeral are completely translated as equally heartfelt by Jewish families, whenever they hear that you made a charitable donation in memory of their loved one. If they belong to a synagogue, you can donate there; or ask the family about their preference for a health-related charity. Planting a tree in Israel is also a beautiful tribute. In all cases the family will get a card noting your name as having made a charitable contribution in memory of their loved one. The exact amount will not be mentioned, but if you need a tax-receipt the organization will provide that to you.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>I am so appreciative of the care people take to understand different customs, all trying to be genuine friends in a time of need.</p>