Deciding to have children (or not)

Parent Cafe
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<p>Wow, everyone! So many replies, I’m not sure how to respond. </p>

<p>I think I’d like to spend some time nannying or babysitting so that I can find out how I relate to children now. I’m not a very mushy, goo-goo sort of person, but I do love to play and teach and watch people learn, so perhaps I could be good at it?</p>

<p>However, I feel a bit strange that I don’t have a huge desire to have kids. I don’t get excited thinking about having a family (really, the picture is just a blank for me). I get excited thinking about career, travel, personal growth, etc. Having a family seems like it would limit me and I’m not sure if it’s worth it. (But then again, I don’t want to find out by not having them that it would have been great.)</p>

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<p>I don’t think nannying in order to find out how you relate to children is a good idea at all. Families looking for nannies are looking for someone who already knows how they relate to children, already has skills in both nurturing and disciplining children. </p>

<p>That notion is not at all fair to the family. Suppose you quickly decide that you don’t “relate well” to children. That family is in the lurch and their children exposed to what many parents would consider a wrenching, or at least unnecessary, separation from someone they may have begun to attach to.</p>

<p>Babysitting - that is a good option.</p>

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<p>I was never sure I wanted children. When H and I got married, it was always, “Two more years. Two more years.” Well, then I turned 35, and all our friends had children, we sort of gulped and went for it. Took eight months to get pregnant, so just be aware that things don’t always go according to plan.</p>

<p>And no, I didn’t immediately fall in love with my son. I participated in a post-natal new-moms discussion group, and the facilitator asked us to close our eyes and imagine what our version of the “perfect mother” looked like. What jumped into my head was an image of me in my new (bought right before pregnancy) red business suit and my briefcase. There was no baby in that image.</p>

<p>Having children is wonderful. You learn things about yourself and about the universe you never imagined. </p>

<p>At your age, you don’t need to make any decisions. You have almost twenty years left of child-bearing years to figure it out. Every decision you make should be viewed through the perspective of, It’s a decision for now. Things might change through the years. You will certainly change. That’s what makes life so much fun.</p>

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<p>What an interesting thread–the take away for me is how much our views of life change from our teenage years on, and how, for most of us (including me) life’s twists and turns are utterly unexpected and cannot be predicted. To the OP, there is no way for you to know now how you will feel about having children until you are in a position to make that decision.</p>

<p>I married somewhat late–at 31. I never was that comfortable with children, was never interested in children, and even in my 20’s, never oohed and aahed over babies. DH felt the same way–although we both somehow knew that we wanted children, even though the prospect of it and the work involved didn’t seem appealing to either of us. I was comforted by the fact that my mother told me that when she married my father, he desperately wanted children and she was totally indifferent–even though she had grown up in a very loving home with a brother she adored and tons of extended family around. According to her, if my father had not wanted kids, that would have been fine with her–but she hastened to add that she was VERY glad they had my sister and me. She assured me that once I had my own baby, my feelings would be totally different, and even though I may never be very interested in other people’s babies, I would be totally enthralled with my own.</p>

<p>As she was very often, Mom was right. Because of my age, DH and I did not have the luxury of waiting very long to have kids, and we did deal with various infertility issues–but our DS and DD are the joys of our lives.</p>

<p>Just don’t worry about this right now; this is not a decision you can make in a vacuum. You would be better served to concentrate on having a fulfilling life on your own, and wait and see what the future brings.</p>

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<p>I was 30 when I knew I wanted to have children. Prior to that, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be married. My childhood may have played a part in that but as I can’t compare it with anything else, who knows. When and if you are ready to have children, you will know it and then you will go ahead and be the best parent you can be.</p>

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<p>I always wanted children, always wanted to be a mother. But when my H and I began to discuss the possibility of marriage, after three years together, he was very honest in expressing that he did not want more children (he was divorced, with two young daughters living an ocean away). I spent a long time pondering whether this was going to be a deal-breaker for me. I absolutely did not want to go into the marriage thinking I could change his mind. I did not pressure him, he did not pressure me. When we married, I was resolved and settled and fully aware of the decision I was making and the kind of marriage and future that I was choosing. On balance, there were so many wonderful things about our relationship, that when I reached that particular fork in the road I took the path that was absolutely the right one for me at that time, even though where I thought it would lead was towards a future entirely different than I had ever expected to want. </p>

<p>And we were happy. The relationship I had with my stepdaughters, who spent summers and holidays with us, grew strong and special. And I thought it was enough, and had no regrets. And then one day – totally unexpected, during a blissful long, lazy summer spent with the girls – H announced, “I want us to have a baby.” Totally turned my world upside down. We’d been together eight years or so at that point. I was in my mid-30s, H seven years older. But once the feeling was expressed aloud, everything shifted. It was that simple, and that clear, and that perfectly right. My H wanted another girl (so funny, everyone assumed that since he had two girls he’d want a boy), I got pregnant almost right away and I was 36 when our daughter was born. I had an incredibly easy pregnancy, and a great childbirth experience. I did fall in love with my D right away, as did my H. And we have been blessed that our blended and complicated family with its various branches spread over multiple continents has worked well for all. </p>

<p>On the other hand, in the fantasy of my youth, I’d always pictured myself a stay-at-home mom. But when it came to reality, that was just not what I wanted when actually faced with the decision. We were financially prosperous enough that I did not need to go back to work, but I very much wanted to. (It probably helped that I had not only a great job but fabulous childcare—my mother. Had either of those anchors been the slightest bit wobbly, I’m sure I would have stayed home in a heartbeat.)</p>

<p>My road to motherhood was not straightforward, but then, life really isn’t straightforward, as you will discover. What matters most is that you listen to your heart and follow your own path – (which surely will change direction more than once during your life’s journey :)</p>

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<p>I always loathed babysitting, but around about age 30 my hormones kicked in. It seemed like everyone I knew had babies and I desperately wanted one too. Dh took a bit of persuading. I’ve loved having kids and have no regrets. I was married for five years (and had been a couple with dh for seven previous years) before having kids.</p>

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<p>I also hated babysitting. I don’t think babysitting or nannying is a good way to gauge whether you’ll be a “good” mother. (What’s a good mother look like anyway?)</p>

<p>I became aware that I wanted children when I became godmother to my niece when I was 14. The particular notion that somehow you are really responsible in helping shape a life was fascinating and fulfilling. I helped teach her to read and to potty-train and took her to church and the zoo and all sorts of places while my sister worked weekends.</p>

<p>I did wait (well, part of the wait wasn’t by choice) until I was almost 30 to have my first child because, like you, I had things I wanted to do, like get to Italy, before I became a parent and knew that I would have to trade some of my wants for my child’s needs. But there’s no reason you can’t still travel and have kids. I did.</p>

<p>I would never presume to tell you that you’ll make a great mom once you jump into that pool. I don’t know you. But I will say that I think most people know eventually whether the hesitation is really just cold feet. My brother never had kids. I think no kids absolutely was the right decision for him (though, unfortunately, not so much for his wife). I do believe that eventually you’ll know what’s the best decision for you.</p>

<p>I don’t believe in having regrets, but I do sometimes wish I’d had a third. I think I’m a good mom but certainly not perfect. Last month, when we went to pick our younger son up from a camp that his older brother also had attended, his teacher asked whether we had any more children heading his way. We replied, no, we didn’t, just the two, and he said, “Too bad. You should have had more. You raise great kids.” That out-of-the-blue compliment will go down as one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And, once again, made me wish I’d had that third one!!!</p>

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<p>Wow – what a compliment, Youdon’tsay!</p>

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<p>I know! That means they are being nice even when I’m not around! LOL</p>

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<p>Having children is a very personal decision. It seems that what you didn’t have in childhood with your parents you end up sharing wonderfully with your own children. In a mysterious way, the sadness and pain one feels left from childhood can better equip you to be a good parent. My mother never told me she loved me, it was painful growing up. As an adult I understood her better. That said, I never cease the opportunity to tell my D how much I love her. I respect her views and I try to listen. I’m not the mother of the year, but we have a very good and close relationship. We understand and repect each other’s boundaries. Sometimes it’s the things we didn’t receive that we end up bringing to the table. Dont underestimate your ability to be a good mother.</p>