Deciding to have children (or not)

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I thought I’d throw this out there in the Parents’ Cafe and see what you wise ones think about this. :)</p>

<p>I grew up in a difficult home, never really had a childhood, and am not close with my parents. </p>

<p>I definitely want to get married in the future-- I love the emotional intimacy and having someone to be interdependent with/feel comfortable with/share life with. But I’m not sure about kids. </p>

<p>I’d want to be a GREAT mother, which would probably preclude me from doing a lot of other things I’d want to do in life (because I’d want to put my kids first in every way). At one point, I really wanted to do this, to prove to myself that I could be better than my Mom was and heal the wound, etc., but now I really just want to live a good, happy life. </p>

<p>I don’t want to inflict bad parenting on a child, and would rather not have children if I couldn’t commit to being the best parent possible. I am enjoying giving myself the things I didn’t have when I was younger, and I’m not sure that I want to give that up to give them to someone else. Also, I don’t really know what the joys of family life are, for myself. I’ve seen other people experience them, but can’t imagine what they would be like for myself.</p>

<p>I’m wondering: How did you decide to have children? Could it have gone the other way? And if you had a difficult childhood, how did you wrestle with these issues?</p>

2

<p>When I was young, college-aged, I didn’t think I’d ever have children. I wanted to DO things, to work and travel and not be tied down. Then I got out of school, met a man, got married, and all that changed. I wanted a home, a safe comfortable place, and a family.</p>

<p>We all want to be the best parent possible, and none of us is a perfect parent. I think having children to prove to yourself that you can best your mother is probably not the best motivation.</p>

<p>Since I do have children, I really can’t say what my life would be like had I made different choices.</p>

3

<p>Plenty don’t want kids right away. I didn’t. I wanted to go and do. I did. I went many places, did many things, met many people, and I liked answering only to my own wishes (as my bank account permitted). Eventually, I met a woman at a time when I was ready to change and chose to settle down. Now I’m happy with 1 wife, 1 son. Initially, no wife, no kids was best for me. I know a couple that married - a first for each- in their early 30’s and wanted no kids. 10 yrs later, still happy, still no kids.
Know that there are many people with many different desires and that none of them are wrong- the important part is to wait until you have matured more, then seek a serious relationship with someone who thinks the same way.</p>

4

<p>This is a great question. I always knew I wanted to be a parent (from when I was 18-19 years old) … and my visions of the future always included kids … for example, I always had visions of myself coaching my teenage kids basketball teams. That said in the actual moment I was never sure it was time to actually start a family … and to be honest my wife helped my make the jump because for her it WAS TIME and that got me over the hump. </p>

<p>(Best move I ever made BTW - for me I can’t imagine anything like being a parent … surprisingly being the event that most helped me find out who I am, who I want to be, and help me grow)</p>

5

<p>Hey, I think I’ve done a pretty good job parenting! :slight_smile: I married young, but then did not have children until much later when I was already launched into my career. I went on working. By the way, it took a while for the kids to appear after we made the decision to have them.</p>

6

<p>As a teen and young adult I never had had any interest in having children. I am an only child, my parents divorced when I was 13, and I have almost no other family. Then I got married, and that changed everything. It wasn’t that I suddenly developed a great love for babies, but I now wanted to make a new family with my husband. We have two children, and they are the joys of my life. My husband didn’t have a particularly happy childhood either, but we were determined to break with the past and create a warm, loving family, which is (I hope) what we’ve done. </p>

<p>That said, many people lead very happy, fulfilling lives without children. But you won’t really know how you feel about the issue until you’re actually ready to decide one way or the other. And you don’t have to repeat the past: you are not your parents, and you are free to make your own family joys. You’ll know how when the time comes.</p>

7

<p>You probably aren’t going to get a fair sampling since this is, after all, the “Parents” cafe. Most of us have already made the decision to have kids.</p>

<p>It was never a question for me. But I’m glad you are thinking about it seriously, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding it isn’t for you. When I was a child, my best friend and I had grand plans to grow up and live next door to each other on farms, raise horses, and have families. Well, I’m a city slicker with kids, and she has the farm but opted to not have kids. (We’re still friends.) In hindsight, my maternal urges were just a lot stronger than hers. She did marry a guy with kids, so she has some step-children, but didn’t really raise them. </p>

<p>My having children was my way of “saving the world.” It was the way I thought I could best contribute. I felt like, if I could raise a few kids who would be compassionate, productive, giving people, that might counter-act some of the destruction of society I saw around me. I guess that means I had some idealistic, hopeful attitudes about raising children. For me, the idea of “sacrifice” or giving anything up to be a parent was never an issue.</p>

<p>It sounds like you might feel less positive about the process and/or the results, based on your own experiences. You’re smart to realize this.</p>

8

<p>Not quite the answer to your questions, but more questions to think about…</p>

<p>How many people do you know who regret having children? Not many.</p>

<p>What do you think of when you meet a 60-70 year old couple, or perhaps a widow, and they have no children? You think, “sad”. What are those people’s Christmases and Thanksgivings like? Due to your difficult childhood, you might not have many warm and fuzzy holiday memories, but you will undoubtedly have some in the future. Whose house do they go stay at for a few weeks when they break a hip? Having children is the natural order of things, and there are many benefits in including them in your family. (I know everyone can’t…I suffered from infertility for 4 years myself.)</p>

<p>There are no perfect parents out there, but I think a bright, motivated, loving person (even one with a bad childhood) can be a very successful parent. I think you are wise to consider the sacrifices involved in raising a child. Too few people do that and then they sometimes cause the child to be the one to make the sacrifices. You are still young, and you will have a better idea of your willingness to make those sacrifices as you get older. It’s an important thing to discuss early on with anyone in whom you sense a relationship becoming serious. If he has strong feelings one way or the other about children, you need to take those into consideration before continuing in a relationship with him.</p>

9

<p>“I’m wondering: How did you decide to have children? Could it have gone the other way? And if you had a difficult childhood, how did you wrestle with these issues?”</p>

<p>I had a crappy childhood. Mom hospitalized since I was 7 with a severe bipolar disorder. Dad died in a car accident when I was 9. Lived with my aunt and uncle until I was 18 and my aunt transferred a lot of the life-long resentment she had toward my mother (her sister) onto me during that time.</p>

<p>However, despite the bad start in life, I was smart enough to realize that it wasn’t me that was the problem. I had no control over others’ behavior and what life threw me. I did have the power to be different than how I was raised, and I did.</p>

<p>I always had a pretty strong “Mom” gene, so I guess I always knew that I wanted children. And, being an only child who had no other sibling to help weather the storm with, I knew I wanted more than one child. When I met my husband and we decided to start a family, I knew that I’d never be a perfect parent (there isn’t one out there, although I’ve met a few folks who THINK they are), but I did know that I would be one who would try her hardest to love my kids unconditionally and to provide the most positive and encouraging environment at home that I (we) could. Having a difficult childhood actually in some ways taught me how to be a BETTER parent because I had a lot of bad examples that were ingrained in my head of what I would NOT do when I became a mother. And, I know that I am biased, but I think my H and I have raised two pretty great kids. We hear it from others all of the time, so that is very gratifying.</p>

<p>After reading this, I didn’t give you a lot of advice; just spouted my own story. For me, I never had reservations about having children, but everyone is different and they must make their own decision. No, it never could have gone the other way (although I have my “moments” when dealing with having a family can be overwhelming!). The key thing is - your own difficult childhood should never preclude you from being a great parent as long as you are aware of your parents’ shortcomings and you make good decisions in raising your own so that you don’t repeat their mistakes or compensate too far the other way (by smothering, being overly protective, or trying to imprint your own lost childhood dreams on your children). Wanting to make sure you raise your own kids differently means that you’ve already won half the battle!!</p>

10

<p>Got married soon after graduating from college; oops, got pregnant 6 months later. My husband looked so young, people thought he couldn’t possibly be a dad! :wink: I’m so glad we did it that way, and had our kids when we were young and poor. We garage-saled, and lived a frugal life but missed out on nothing. We have many friends who waited to have kids until they were older, and that’s fine, too - but many had problems with infertility issues. They are now parenting 6-years-olds while we contemplate empty-nest issues. ;)</p>

11

<p>“How many people do you know who regret having children? Not many.”</p>

<p>While I don’t know people who say things like that, and I doubt that there’d be many here on Parents’ Cafe who think that way, in 1976, 70% of the 10,000 parents said “no” who responded to Ann Landers poll of whether they’d have kids if they could do things over. 80% of those responders were women. </p>

<p>"What do you think of when you meet a 60-70 year old couple, or perhaps a widow, and they have no children? You think, “sad”. What are those people’s Christmases and Thanksgivings like? </p>

<p>I don’t think “sad.” Most of the couples seem very happy to me. They also have the money to do more things than do most couples who have kids. By not having kids, they also were able to focus more on their relationship with each other.</p>

<p>Also, just because people have kids doesn’t mean that they’ll see those kids for holidays, etc. Many people live far away from their parents. Also, people who have lots of friends may have more fun on holidays and other occasions than do people who have kids who are guilt tripping their kids into being with them or who are being with their kids during holidays out of duty.</p>

<p>I think that many people who have kids so they won’t be lonely in old age will be very disappointed when their kids live their own lives instead of living down the street and being there constantly for Mom and Dad.</p>

<p>While having kids brings joys, they also bring heartbreak and grief that is beyond what one can experience in other relationships. </p>

<p>Would I personally have kids if I were to do it over? Probably, but I also feel that I would have had a very happy and fulfilled life without kids.</p>

12

<p>My husband and I felt very much like you when we were in our early twenties. We were married for over 10 years before we decided we wanted kids, but before that, neither of us felt we would be able to be both good parents and at the same time do the things we wanted to do in life. Even when I taught school and was around children all the time and planned a career in child development, I felt pretty sure I didn’t want to be a mom.</p>

<p>I can’t explain what happened to change that, but I remember one of the first signs. I was getting on board an airplane by myself to visit my mom in California, and this beautiful family got on about the same time and sat in front of me. The parents, ushering their 3 little munchkins, looked like the happiest two people on earth. Something inside me stirred, and from that point on my feelings slowly evolved into wondering how I could have ever thought I didn’t want a family of my own.
I think, in our early twenties, H and I weren’t mature enough to be good parents, and we knew it. Once we had accomplished a few things and had many fun years as just a couple, we were up for the challenge. </p>

<p>One piece of advice I have given young couples who are thinking about having kids, is not to expect a “blank slate.” Each child comes with his own personality and temperament. Our job is to love, guide and impart values, but they are who they are. When I look back at my kids as toddlers, most of the personality traits they had then are still present in their 20s. Before my first was born, I had naively thought we could “mold” them into the people we wanted them to be. Not so! And the earlier one realizes this, the happier the family will be. But what a joy. No regrets, here.</p>

13

<p>“I think that many people who have kids so they won’t be lonely in old age will be very disappointed when their kids live their own lives instead of living down the street and being there constantly for Mom and Dad.”</p>

<p>No kidding. Wander a public nursing home sometime and talk to some abandoned old ladies. Most of them are moms. There are plenty of good reasons to have kids, but this one is a sucker bet.</p>

14

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<p>There are many societies where children are expected to be there constantly for mom and dad because there is no social security, pension, or nursing homes. But that is not the reason why most people, even in these societies, want to have children. The urge to reproduce is strong. The urge to have someone of one’s own to love is also quite strong. Just talk to women who have undergone painful fertility treatments or couples who spend a huge amount of time and money trying to adopt. They don’t do it for the sake of having someone take care of them in their old age.</p>

15

<p>One thing I would suggest to the OP, is please don’t do anything permanent that would take away the chance to have children at a later time if you choose to. Birth control methods are not always easy or convenient, but the heartbreak of changing one’s mind at say 32 after deciding at 22 that one will never want children, and then opting for a tubal ligation or vasectomy, would be much worse.
When we’re young, we think we’ll always feel the way we feel today.</p>

16

<p>“…in 1976, 70% of the 10,000 parents said “no” who responded to Ann Landers poll of whether they’d have kids if they could do things over. 80% of those responders were women…Would I personally have kids if I were to do it over? Probably, but I also feel that I would have had a very happy and fulfilled life without kids.”</p>

<p>My mother has said that if she had to do it over again she wouldn’t have me (though she would have my younger brother.) I graduated high school at 16, started college as a sophomore, dropped out after one semester, worked for five years while living independently and supporting myself, and married at 21. I did not want kids (because I did not want to feel about them the way my mother feels about me) but my husband (who has four siblings) and I negotiated (before marrying) and agreed to have one kid. We waited a few years, then had our son, and I surprised everyone (especially myself) by taking to parenting like a fish to water! Every single day I marvel at the profound feelings I have for my son that I would never have had for another person had I not chosen to become a parent. I deeply love my spouse of almost twenty-five years, but there is something unique about the love between a parent and a child.</p>

17

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<p>Though jude thinks we all want to be the best parents possible, I’ve never set out to be the best parent I can be nor a great parent (another sign of being a lazy bum, I guess). I wanted to be a decent parent who respects children as much as adults, a loving parent, and a parent who provides plenty of opportunities for the child to have a fun, healthy life, but being great isn’t in my MO (let alone being best). And lazy though this made be, I think it has an upside of a kind - it is modeling that it’s fine not to be the best or even great - that good is good enough (my motto turns out to be the underachiever’s motto, but that’s another story), and I suspect this is a contributing factor to our son’s not being stressed about exams, giving presentations, etc. (indeed, with regards to many things, I’ve told our son he shouldn’t even worry about being considered “good” so much as taking part in things worth being a part in and hopefully learning and having fun on the way).</p>

<p>I’ve never believed in putting one’s children first in every way. I’ve believed in putting children first where it seems to me to make sense to do so (like if my kid needed an organ from me and I’d die if I gave it up, I’d give it up as he is young and more “deserving” to keep on living than am I), but not in every way (so if my child didn’t want to go to say the baseball game but my husband did, my son had to sacrifice his time for my husband to enjoy the game as we felt sports games to be a family time activity).</p>

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<p>As far as leading a happy life goes, the most recent study I’ve read (I read it on July 4th) claims that couples with no children self-rate as happier than those with children.</p>

<p>[Does</a> Having Children Make You Happy? | Newsweek Global Literacy | Newsweek.com](<a href=“http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792]Does”>Does Having Children Make You Happy?)</p>

<p>Few people with children believe this study, naturally, as it doesn’t “sit well” to think they could be happier without their children/being a parent and also because for some (myself included), we feel many of the greatest joys we’ve had in life have come from seeing your offspring smile and laugh, feeling their arms around you in a hug, and feeling you have given someone the best gift someone can get - that of a happy, healthy life.</p>

<p>But with great joy can also come great pain, and the worst pain I have ever had was worry over our son dying, and for parents who have actually lost a child, I doubt there is any worse pain that can be felt. You just have to hope you are dealt more joy than sorrow.</p>

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<p>And if you are like, you won’t be able to until you become a parent.</p>

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<p>If I never met my husband, it might have gone the other way, as before meeting my husband (at age 22), I had sworn I would never marry nor have children. I had nothing against people who wanted to marry and have children, but it simply had no draw for me (waking up next to the same man forever, changing diapers, the gamble that parenthood truly is, which is a FAR larger gamble than marriage even though people seem to far more concentrate on the divorce rate and gamble of marriage than on how much pain many people go through due to issues with kids). But I am ever so glad I met my husband (he really has been more of a prince than I ever could have imagined exists outside of a goofy fairy tale) and am very glad our son is in our lives (but if he should die before me, I suspect I could wish I had never had him as I don’t think I could take the pain; I will just hope I can concentrate on all the good times he had in life before death and all the kind things he did for others and somehow not regret setting us up for that level of agony).</p>

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<p>My childhood wasn’t all that difficult overall, though I certainly was abused emotionally (and also a bit physically; had stitches twice due to things my brother did and a bad burn from another thing he did) by my brother and had parents who tended to look the other way (all but once, when neighbors were called to come save my life) and indeed blame <em>me</em> for the abuse (like my father said to me, “Well why did he hit you? A person wouldn’t hit another person for no reason.” Yes, well, excuse me for consuming the last of the Coke. But I only had one child, so I saved us from having to deal with any sibling issues.</p>

18

<p>Whoa…this is a topic that I have very strong personal feelings about…When H and I got married 26 years ago, we did not plan to have kids. ever. We both were in tech careers, and quickly both went into management. We traveled at every opportunity. I was the youngest of 3. Although there were some things that should have warped me for life in there, I survived childhood and adolescence with a minority of baggage from those experiences. </p>

<p>I just could never, ever see myself as a parent. Not too long ago I came across a research paper that I did in high school about how the decision to be “child-free” should be accepted by everyone. (Note the terminology difference—not child-less). My feelings were deep. H and I dated (living 2 hrs apart for 5 years) before we got married. We discussed it, and although he was much more inclined to be a dad than I was to be a mom, we went into our marriage knowing that we wouldn’t have kids. We made sure to re-emphasize that point to our families, and I had years of having to deal with other people asking, “when are you going to start your family?” </p>

<p>I was focused on my career, and loved our lifestyle. We were the classic yuppies. I think we would have had a very happy life had we continued down the path we were on. Our college friends started having kids a couple of years out of school, and we still felt that we preferred our lifestyle to theirs. After being married for 4 years, for a variety of reasons, my mind started slowly changing. We slowly started talking about it…knew we weren’t ready then, but started NOT to rule out the possibility. About a year later (after countless discussions on what we would have done in a certain situation, or what would we do if… scenarios), we were convinced we did want kids, and I set a “timetable” in my mind that if I was going to have a baby, I wanted it to happen before I was 30, so that I wouldn’t be SO OLD when they got to be college students.</p>

<p>It is almost warped how organized and methodical I was about the process! (I was a project manager in IT…I didn’t have a project “plan”, but it was close!) We became very aware of the parenting styles with my older sister and brother, and were around our friends and their kids a lot. We had LOTS of discussions (H and I, of course) about whether we agreed with things they were doing, etc. </p>

<p>We decided to start “trying”, and having had friends who were going through the infertility “thing”, we’d decided that we’d give it a year, and then probably go back to our original plan…i.e. if we didn’t have a baby, it was meant to be and we’d carry on. On our 6th anniversary I told H he was going to be a dad! (Yes, we’d told our families earlier that we’d changed our minds, so they wouldn’t think we’d made a “mistake”!!!)</p>

<p>Never, ever regretted it. We both really wanted a boy, and had a girl. Never, ever could imagine it any other way. When I was pregnant a year and a half later (also precisely planned–wanted them 2 yrs apart), I desperately wanted another girl (gave me a good excuse to buy a bunch of girly stuff for D1 that I wouldn’t have, since I knew there’d be another D to enjoy it!!) Once again, it worked out amazingly according to plan. The first 2 years were really, really tiring, but I’ve also never regretted our timing decision, either. They are the best of friends (not without some sisterly bickering, but nothing too bad)…D1 is heavily campaigned for her sister to join her at her OOS university next year. </p>

<p>I have ALWAYS enjoyed my daughters, more at each successive step in their development. I think I was a very nurturing, caring, loving mother (they can tell me differently when they are 40)…they were, and are, the best contribution I can say that I’ve done for the future! As I always expected, H was a very hands-on Dad, and we both have very close relationships with both of our girls. (um…let’s just say that sometimes I tell people I have 3 kids, including him!)</p>

<p>The best advice is to think long and hard about it. Just because you had a bad childhood doesn’t mean you won’t be a good mom. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with a decision not to have kids. Just make sure that before you go that route, that you and your partner are very clear on what you both want. And use reliable birth control up until then…being unsure and being surprised isn’t the best way to start out parenting.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

19

<p>" But that is not the reason why most people, even in these societies, want to have children. The urge to reproduce is strong. The urge to have someone of one’s own to love is also quite strong. "</p>

<p>Unfortunately, too many people in our society choose to have kids because they want someone to unconditionally love them. What they themselves really want is loving parents, not kids that (as is the case with all kids) will be needy and focused on their own needs.</p>

<p>And there really are people in our society --plenty of them – who have kids because they want someone who’ll take care of them and prevent them from being lonely in their old age. I remember my mother saying that she felt sorry for people who were childless because they wouldn’t have company in their old age. It was really hard on my mom that I chose to live a thousand miles away from her.</p>

20

<p>timely had some good questions, and NSMom answered some as I would have, but also consider:
how many say they regret it? None I know- but that doesn’t measure how many really feel it.
I think all parents say they intend to do they best they can(except LB201). Does anyone really think “I’m going to become a parent to do as little as I can to get by”?
Some may want to be parents who really shouldn’t be, or at least without better planning. If someone doesn’t know who their baby daddy(an urban expression) is, then chances are they didn’t need that baby. If they cannot pay for their baby, they need to wait until they can. Why should I have to pay for somebody’s baby if I didn’t get any of the pleasure making it? Someone that has a child that spends far more time with a sitter than a parent probably could have waited(per my last sentence).
Sacrifice? Yes, it was for me. There are things I cannot do now I’d like to do. BUT at the time I chose to have wife and child I was ready and willing to do it. I am happier with wife and S than I would be without them. Making the sacrifice I did, when I did, was the right choice for me.
If you want 10 kids, and can afford them, ok by me, but don’t marry someone who wants zero.
We didn’t choose to have a child based on what child could do for us, but rather what could we do for the child.</p>