OP- hugs to you.
I am not of the “if she gets into her dream school and we can’t afford it we’ll sell plasma or a kidney to make it work” school of thought, even though as a family we put a very high premium on higher education.
I have NEVER seen a family go into deep, deep debt for college (and I know many- neighbors, friends, people at work, relatives) where there hasn’t been a cheaper alternative which in some cases is also BETTER academically and intellectually.
I know the whole "but we’re paying for him to join the right frat because networking is so important in business " school of thought- I just don’t buy it. I’ve worked in corporate America for decades, and most people completely overestimate the power of these “networks” in many, many industries and functions. I’ve also heard “Yes, XYZ college might be cheaper but you get what you pay for” which in many instances is totally false. Because some of these “more desirable” schools are colleges with tiny endowments (we’re not talking Amherst or Williams here), shaky finances as measured by Moody’s and other somewhat neutral observers, and a whole lot of snake oil. Why does the shaky financial college encourage everyone to go abroad junior year? Because they get a fee per head, but don’t need to build enough dorms to house four years worth of students, that’s why. Why does the shaky financial college offer a Master’s degree if you stay a fifth year (again, we’re not talking MIT which does this)? Because grad students are a profit center for many colleges, so they get an extra year’s tuition with a modest outlay (and the grad students don’t want to live on campus, so no amenities required).
If this is NOT your situation- and your D is looking at the “most beloved” college which has a big, healthy endowment, an exceptional academic reputation, phenomenal faculty, etc. and the next option down is your own directional state college which only offers allied health and accounting majors- then ignore me. But I’ve seen the parents who go heavily into debt for Pace and Hofstra and Adelphi and Quininipiac and High Point and Fairleigh Dickinson and Stonehill and Villanova and are turning down MUCH more rigorous colleges which in their cases, are also cheaper.
So back away from the edge- and before you sell an organ, make sure you are not buying the snake oil.