<p>I’m not a parent, but instead a recent grad, and thought it might be interesting to point this book out to some of the parents and readers of this forum in particular. </p>
<p>I’m also not one to read books off of book clubs or TV shows, usually, but this particular book caught my eye after the author appeared with Katie Couric. I usually HATE ‘self-help’ type of books, but this one is actually fascinating and filled with some really great advice. She breaks the book down into 3 categories–work, love, and mind/body, and includes interviews with her own twentysomething clients that face a lot of the issues we all have. She really makes you realize (sometimes inducing a lot of stress) that your 20s do matter, unlike what Hollywood and others might lead you to believe.</p>
<p>I read it a couple of months ago and really loved it. I passed it on to my friends, several of whom have daughters in the 25-28 year old range. They loved it too. While reading the book, I recognized a lot of mistakes I had made while in my twenties and am here to testify that I paid the price for those mistakes in later years, just like she described in the book. So my personal experiences are in line with her assertions. What I found fascinating, though, is that the book generally got panned big time by the 20-something crowd, judging by the comments on the Huffington Post website and the NY Times and others. Seems like most women in their 20’s are flat out horrified that someone should tell them that they should get married, get settled, narrow their options, whatever. Apparently a lot of young people don’t want to hear that.</p>
<p>Parts of the thesis of this book/interview sound dated to me. With the economy as weak as it is, and kids’ futures as shaky as they sometimes appear, I doubt many still really believe that what you do in your 20s “doesn’t matter.”</p>
<p>While the article seems to focus mainly on dating and relationships, the concept of one’s 20s being a defining factor in your life has been written about in an economic and career sense, in that the economic climate when you enter the workforce has a lasting effect in your career for decades.</p>
<p>I would think so too, but I have also heard the current circumstances used an an excuse for generational nihilism, i.e. “we’ll never have a good life, so why try?” This attitude, of course, is self-fulfilling and self-defeating.</p>
<p>I personally loved the book, but it can be alarming sometimes. I actually feel the contrasting pressure between my peer groups and my family in some areas, especially love. Family members don’t understand why I haven’t gotten engaged yet, whereas most peers don’t understand why I WOULD have gotten engaged yet, for example. </p>
<p>At least from my experience, kids really do think that their mid-20s are a time to kind of extend college years while still being an adult. While some have started to settle down, buy condos/townhomes, ‘advance’ themselves, you still see a ton that go out and party every night and then drag themselves to work the next day. </p>
<p>I also felt like the section on work was just very eye-opening for me. I know I personally am thisclose to being able to avoid that initial Starbucks/waitress type job and have a real career job, but it’s interesting how she frames that those types of jobs aren’t just acceptable early on, but can actually be really beneficial (she tells the story of her lugging granola at camp and how that got her into psych programs). Throughout that entire section, I could replace any one of her clients with someone I personally know.</p>
<p>Maybe you can buy condos in Indiana when you’re in your mid-20s. Not where I live, and not in much of the country. </p>
<p>I have a daughter who is 24. All her friends work or are in grad school. Some will be in grad school for years, so any talk about settling down or buying condos (really, in this economy is anyone still using housing as a badge of honor??) is totally premature. As it should be. </p>
<p>The only kids I know who “extend the college experience” are those unlucky enough not to have parents who are funding their education. They’re extending the college experience because they’re working, often near full time, and it’s an ‘experience’ they’d just as soon not have.</p>
<p>NJSue, every generation has has an excuse for nihilism, so these kids aren’t any different. In my generation it was the melt down of the economy in the late 70s/80s (remember those 18% interest rates?) a couple decades before that it was the specter of Vietnam.</p>
<p>@katliamom–You are definitely right, I think buying real estate at 24-26 is just a big mistake, but people are doing it here in Indiana. I know several people that graduated with me in 2011 that own homes in the Indy area now, and it’s not like they’re engineers…more like teachers, actually. The outlier would be a sorority sister who lives in DC and just bought her own townhome…no clue how she can afford that, I think there was some parental help with the down payment. I’m planning a move to the DC area and realize that A) you can’t afford a house without two incomes, and B) I’d be perfectly okay with being in a condo/townhome until I’m in my 30s. </p>
<p>In terms of extending the college experience…these are definitely not those kind of kids. They live on their own (most of the personal examples I’m thinking of are in Chicago), have full-time jobs in financial services/software and haven’t changed a bit since they graduated.</p>
<p>My timeline: 20-22 in college, 23 driving around the country (paid for by a grant), 24-26 grad school, 26-27 another grant, mostly underemployment (1982 recession) live in grade student housing with boyfriend till 29, 27-28 full time job in my field, 28 marriage, 29 move to Germany, study language, more job hunting, find another job. Don’t buy a house or have children till 33. </p>
<p>My oldest son: 20-22 in college, 23-present full time well paid job, excellent health care*, saving for retirement, nice rental apartment - no desire to be responsible for owning a house. </p>
<p>Who’s living the more grown up life?</p>
<p>*At his age I had good health care too. Thanks to a part time job at Caltech I got to have Kaiser HMO healthcare for $12 a month. A bargain even then!</p>
<p>I’ve read the book and thought it had a lot of useful points. It does seem to me that her portrayal of the typical 20-something’s attitude about employment might be a little behind the times. I doubt many 24 year olds honestly believe that they can work at Starbucks for a couple of years until they “find their calling” and then catch up with their peer group career-wise. The stakes are too high right now.</p>
<p>What I DO see all the time in young people is the idea that they can wait a long time to find a permanent relationship and have children. I know so many women in the 30-33 year age bracket who want to have kids “someday” but aren’t in a committed relationship yet. They seem unphased by it. Since I’m well on the other side of 40, I know how fast those years slip by, and there is no retrieving your fertility once it’s gone (short of expensive medical intervention, which isn’t available to everyone.)</p>
<p>@screener22–Agreed. I haven’t seen the Starbucks mentality amongst my peers, but I have seen a lot of that kind of thing on CC. Self-selecting group, of course. I definitely see the permanent relationship aspect, however. I personally feel anxiety about not being engaged yet (24 and in a 3 year relationship) even though I know he’s ‘the one,’ and all of my peers find that completely baffling. Granted, we’re waiting until he finishes law school so there’s some $$ to purchase said ring, but still. Most of my friends (23-26) can barely sustain 1-2 month relationships and don’t care about it a bit</p>
<p>Not everyone engages with expensive rocks. Indeed, some women do not want diamond rings due to the association with conflicts, child labor, cartels, and controversy.</p>
<p>ucbalumnus, I got married at 31 (22 years ago) and did NOT buy my wife a diamond ring. I am totally opposed to the whole DeBeers created thing. I did however buy her a Steinway as an engagement present so we could take lessons together.</p>
<p>As for timeline for me post college:
22-26 work and get a second degree (engineering) at night
27-28 MBA school
28 onward - corporate life
(engaged at 29, married at 31, a parent at 37 and again at 39)</p>
<p>@ucbalumnus–I personally don’t want a huge ring (I’m not big into flashy jewelry and have tiny hands anyways!), but after discussing getting engaged pre-law school versus post-law school…he admitted he wants to get me the ring he thinks I deserve :)</p>
<p>@PolarBear–I think the thought process behind it is that people always say wait to get married, wait to have kids, you won’t have real career progress until your 30s…thus the 20s are like a ‘black hole’ in which your decisions don’t have a real impact</p>
<p>I read the book a couple of months ago and really thought it had some good advice.
I passed it on to my 27 year old Dd- she both loved and hated it. But I’ve noticed a slight change in some the ways she looks at things since, and I think it’s been beneficial. Is it a coincidence that she recently found a guy she believes has true “future potential” that she’s really excited about? Who knows, but it certainly didn’t hurt.</p>
<p>The story in the book about the boy who was afraid to commit to a path because he was afraid it might not be the right one, and then he’d have to begin again, really hit home with one of my kids. Much better to commit to something, and then try something else if it doesn’t work, than to not try anything. I think the book encourages thoughtful risk taking, which can be helpful to a risk averse, perfectionist young person.</p>
But I’ve noticed a slight change in some the ways she looks at things since, and I think it’s been beneficial. Is it a coincidence that she recently found a guy she believes has true “future potential” that she’s really excited about? Who knows, but it certainly didn’t hurt.</p>