Delicate question for cancer survivors

Parent Cafe
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<p>Very insightful comments. I’ve heard that the type of cancer that my client has is one with a very low survival rate and that he is on experimental treatments. I bet he’s already had plenty of experience with folks who don’t have a clue what to say. With certain types of cancer, we can say things like, “I just had lunch with my friend who was celebrating her 20th year of being cancer free.” But with other types, most of us don’t know a soul who has survived, but we certainly know better than to say that. </p>

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<p>I feel the same way. I think that people who have been though treatment themselves might better justify the potential intrusion…they might have a first hand tip that is actually helpful.</p>

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<p>I think everyone is different on this. My husband went very public with his cancer (more than ten years ago!). Everyone knew. And he’s usually a very quiet person and quite reserved. (He even put it on the internet, as part of a fundraising web site. He’s raised about $100K for the Lance Armstrong Foundation over the years. They do some really good stuff for people who are going through treatment.)</p>

<p>I usually let everyone know everything… and the only people who knew before my surgery were my dog sitter (she took the dogs for 4 days), my husband, and my sister. I didn’t tell the kids until AFTER the surgery (mostly because they were in the middle of graduating from college and I didn’t want to rain on their parades). Once the surgery was over and the prognosis was excellent… well, a lot of people wanted to know why I was suddenly using a cane. “Oh, I had a bone cancer removed, a bone graft done, and a 12” plate put in." Now that I’m not using a cane (or limping) any more… I’m back to mostly not discussing it.</p>

<p>Anyway. I’d follow the person’s lead. If you’ve given someone an opening and they haven’t walked in–well, leave the door open and move on.</p>

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<p>I recently had a cancer ‘scare’ which thankfully was caught in time, but I was amazed how I felt about sharing the info. There were people who would automatically know because they are involved in my life and through that involvement there was simply no way they couldn’t be told.</p>

<p>There were others who were less involved and who I really truly had NO DESIRE to tell; I did not want to hear some BS interest in me with the potential health issue when they did not make time to be involved every day. And there were others who live far away and would have no reason to ever know unless I told them and I did not feel like talking about it with them.</p>

<p>It is not that I did not want to talk about it, in the 3 weeks leading up to surgery, I talked the ear off a few friends who either knew and understood, or who had been through something similar, but I do find I don’t want to talk much in the days leading up to a treatment or procedure. Afterwards I was fine talking more about it, but I did not want to share “what ifs” with very many people.</p>

<p>Weird. I would let that person lead.</p>

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<p>I haven’t had cancer- but I do have ongoing stuff that it is nice to get support for, but I don’t bring it up in casual or even more than casual conversation.</p>

<p>Our culture is such that when we ask someone " how they are", we really don’t want to know.</p>

<p>We don’t have time or the interest, oftentimes, to deal with any answer besides " fine".
As people whose life is currently sucky, we don’t want to give any answer besides " fine" because a- we don’t want pity,
b- we don’t want to open floodgates which we might not be able to shut again,
c- we don’t want to get some sort of questioning/advice that is not helpful/incorrect or/& is judgmental to boot.</p>

<p>What I personally would do in a situation where I knew about something, but hadn’t been told by the person in question and for whatever reason didn’t feel want to bring it up for the reasons suggested above, but wanted to offer my support, would be to send a card, that simply said that I had been informed of the situation ( letting them know that the info is out there- in case it was incorrect or …) , and that they were in my thoughts, but unless they wanted to discuss it, I wouldn’t bring it up.</p>

<p>( and then end the card on a lighter note, reminiscing about a shared experience with your families perhaps)</p>

<p>I think friends of people who are ill, have rights also-being a friend isn’t a one way relationship.
You have to allow people to give to you.
I know it is difficult. It can be very difficult, because we build walls around ourselves, which this person has done, so we can seem strong, because the alternative is too scary.
That is understandable- but by building walls we are not only holding ourselves up, we are keeping others out, & I admit some people share * Way TMI*, :rolleyes:</p>

<p>Say they decided to share the info about their illness, but then they found out that you had known all along- wouldn’t that be even more uncomfortable and awkward than letting them know now- that you were told- but that you wouldn’t bring it up on your own?</p>

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<p>I feel like I’m doing what I can do already - I’ve got his back on business matters, no matter what his health is like.</p>

<p>And if he ever found out that I knew, I would find it very easy to say that since he didn’t bring it up, I thought he considered it a private matter.</p>

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<p>You would think. However, my husband came home many a time saying, “I ran into so and so and she asked how I was doing and then went on to tell me about the 4 relatives/friends she has who have had this and are all dead.” He found these people to be so clueless that he actually found it humorous.</p>

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<p>A co-worker of mine was able to come back to work for a couple of months after being diagnosed and treated for advanced cancer. After that, her disease progressed, she was no longer able to work, and she died a few months later.</p>

<p>She told a couple of her closest friends in the office that when she was at work, she didn’t want to talk about her illness. She wanted work to be a place where she was a staff member, not a patient. Everyone respected this. For the months when she could work, she had the normal-in-the-office life that she wanted.</p>

<p>The OP’s business colleague may feel the same way.</p>

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<p>I didn’t want to talk about it. Even with my best friend. She knew and made it known that if I needed anything she would be there for me. I only wanted to discuss it with my husband. I think he took care of discussing it with others. :slight_smile: which I didn’t mind - I just didnt want to be the one to talk about it.
After everything was “fine” I would have to silently smile when people would ask about having more kids…“Don’t you want a girl to go with those 2 boys?”…(uh, no longer possible) but I would say I was blessed with 2 healthy boys, I am not going to push it…most were none the wiser.</p>

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<p>My mom died of colon cancer many years ago. Her illness lasted 4 years and I loved the support we got from her friends. I am one who likes to know that people care. She was a very private person, but I know she appreciated the support she received from others. If you feel he is more of a friend than just a business associate, I would consider sending a card. You can mention that you know he is ill and offer any support you feel comfortable with. I think sometimes it’s hard to bring up illness in a conversation; it may be easier for him to talk once he know’s you are already aware of his illness. If he doesn’t mention it at all after you send the card, then you know for sure he doesn’t want to talk about it.</p>

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<p>Padad, I have CML, and even in that realm, there is a wide variability in how folks are able to tolerate the Gleevec (or other next-gen drugs that have come down the road). For me, Gleevec is not a picnic; in some ways, I preferred 10 miu of Interferon because for me, the side effects were less and I at least had a pretty good idea of how I’d feel from day to day. That has not been the case with Gleevec.</p>

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I agree with that. </p>

<p>My mom had ovarian cancer for 5 years. She had good times and rough times, but I think she always appreciated the opportunity to live her life as a “normal” person and not have everything be about her cancer.</p>

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<p>CountingDown, Precisely and that is why I mentioned variability in side effects in a separate sentence. I am well acquainted with Gleevec’s side effects profile. Keep well.</p>

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<p>I had mixed feelings reading your post. In the beginning, I did not want people to know about my diagnosis. It helped me keep it together. but as time went on and it was more obvious, it was ok. also you go through so many emotional changes its hard to tell how you feel from day to day. I had a friend that I had grown apart from but it hurt me to know she knew about me but never sent me a card, or acknowledged it. something I would have done. As stated here different personalities react differently and in ways you wouldnt expect. But think erring on the side of caring is acceptable and perhaps I would send a card based on your former relationship.
On my cancer site, we have decided the best way to answer someone who wants to tell you about someone they know who died ,is to interupt , hold up your hand and say “I only want to hear this if it has a happy ending, I really need to be positive right now” It is really unbelievable the things people say. most of the time I really dont care, but every once in a while it hits me the wrong way.</p>

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<p>I don’t like it when strangers remind me of my suffering, draw conclusions about my character/virtues from it, or trivialize it as a topic of casual conversation.</p>

<p>I can expect to live a disease-free life, fortunately, but for those who are going to die of cancer, consider that the specter of death haunts every moment left of their existence, that their death is going to be painful, humiliating, and prolonged. Sickness has consumed their lives, the very essence of their existence, and it will ultimately consume them. </p>

<p>They’re trying their hardest to keep that skeleton in the closet, so to speak.</p>

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<p>Depends on the type of client.
If a financial, legal, banking & accounting client, I’d mention it because such depends on the future and doing fudiciary duty to that client, family, employees, creditors.</p>

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<p>LongPrime, he’s a smart guy. He works in a team and has at least one other team member on almost all of our calls, and all of our emails include one or two other employees of his business. He’s not going to let any balls drop.</p>

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<p>Thank you cancer survivors. I had an open biopsy last week for an abnormal mammogram. I just heard last this AM the path results were negative! Reading through your inspiring posts yesterday was really helpful in getting me through this waiting period.</p>

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<p>congrats Gt alum.
Missy the card does not have to be glum or too serious, it can be a thinking of you, praying for you . done. If you talk to him and other people are on the phone, he may not want to discuss it. Anyway I am sure you will know what feels right to you !</p>

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<p>Glad your results were negative GTalum!</p>