<p>I have a client that I rarely see in person. When the kids were younger we used to socialize as families, but now the relationship is pretty much all business. </p>
<p>I found out rather randomly through a third party that the client has cancer and that the prognosis is grim. My client hasn’t said anything to me about it and sounds terrific on the phone. I haven’t said anything to him about his health issues because I feel like if he wanted me to know he would tell me.</p>
<p>When I was pregnant, I didn’t tell the clients that I only spoke to on the phone because I wanted to avoid the endless personal comments and questions that would follow. I feel like this is how my client must feel - wanting to keep his business relationships free of his personal issues.</p>
<p>What do you think? Should I tell him that I know and wish him the best, or should I keep the conversation strictly business unless he brings up his health?</p>
<p>When my husband had cancer, he couldn’t stand for people to ask him about it. When people would call and ask what to say to him, I said, “talk to him about the things you normally do-sports, work, the kids whatever. If he wants to discuss his cancer, he’ll bring it up, but don’t hold your breath.”</p>
<p>That said, my husband is a very private person anyway. Holds his cards very close to his chest, always has.</p>
<p>I will respond because I am a cancer survivor. But everyone is different.</p>
<p>When I had cancer I appreciated those people, even acquaintances, who approached me and told me they had heard and wanted to let me know they cared. It was really nice to know that people who were not even my close friends wanted to be supportive. I was very open about treatment, prognosis, etc. My life is an open book. </p>
<p>But others are different. I had a friend who had cancer (but caught very early and with an excellent prognosis) and while she told me, she insisted that I not share that. She really wanted to keep it mum.</p>
<p>In a situation such as you describe, in which you have heard this news but not directly from the individual it concerns, I might, during a conversation, just drop in a “How have you been?” That will be a clue to the person that you are possibly aware of the situation, and he can then either fill you in or give a superficial response. Take your clue from how he responds.</p>
<p>My wife is in remission from Ovarian Cancer that was diagnosed last year. One of the things that helped her emotionally is to be able to concentrate on everything but the cancer, although she has fought tooth and nail against it. Cancer doesn’t define the person it is something they have to deal with. In my opinion if he wanted to bring it up, he would and then you could wish him the best and be positive. If not go on as if you didn’t know and treat him as you would treat anyone. Regardless of prognosis there is a lot we don’t know about cancer; just ask Lance Armstrong… All the best to you and your friend/client.</p>
<p>^ Then I would leave it at that. He may just want to focus on what he* can *do business-wise, and not have EVERYTHING be about the cancer.</p>
<p>That was not me, though, and I probably told people more details than they wanted to know about* my<a href=“fascinating,%20at%20least%20to%20me!”>/I</a> case. ;)</p>
<p>Some people I know have had caringbridge sites where they post about their treatment in great detail. Others don’t say a word. I respect whatever choice a person makes.</p>
<p>Shortly before he passed away from liver cancer, my father told me that what was driving him up the wall was everyone coming up to him talking about his cancer. He said that, whatever time he had left, he just wanted to enjoy his life and be able to go out to lunch or play bridge or whatever without people rushing up and saying, in effect, “we are so sorry you are going to die”.</p>
<p>I have a MIL in the same boat. She hasn’t told any of her casual friends, for exactly that reason.</p>
<p>I am a cancer survivor and I vote with the people who say don’t bring it up. He will mention if he wants to.</p>
<p>Also, FYI, don’t necessarily believe all the gossip you hear, such as the prognosis is grim. That might be true and it might not be true. Having been down that road myself, it was amazing the stuff I heard from others about MY cancer that was not true.</p>
<p>I have a long-time but occasional client who has recently been diagnosed with a guaranteed life-ending disease. I approached it this way:</p>
<p>1) They deserve some time in their day not to be “that gal that’s dying from _______”. An opportunity to just be who they’ve always been. It could be great gift. </p>
<p>2) Our relationship was closer than what you describe and I felt the need to have a personal moment so I said “(Name). I’m going to take a minute here to tell you that I know about your prognosis. I am so sorry. I am available to help you whenever you call. Now, back to business.”</p>
<p>Was that more for me or her? Me? Yeah. Probably so, but I had to do it just in case she needed me. </p>
<p>This to no one in particular, but also, please refrain from sending your friends with cancer the latest e-mail from X Cancer center outlining all the new things which can cause or cure cancer. People would send my husband the same hoax cancer e-mail from John Hopkins over and over again. He started responding with a nice thank you and link to snopes.com. Another friend forwarded him an e-mail she had received detailing how honey can cure cancer. He received many such e-mails, and it was actually a drag rather than a help.</p>
<p>An acquaintance with a wide circle of friends, upon his diagnosis, sent out a very diplomatically worded email that basically said don’t tell me you or your family member’s cancer or treatment stories.</p>
<p>My FIL died of pancreatic cancer and during the several months of decline to death never once acknowledged (even to us or the doctors) that he actually had “cancer.” Your business friend may feel this way. Honor his silent wishes.</p>
<p>My MIL died of ovarian cancer 7 years before my FIL and she did at least acknowledge that she had cancer, but I was the only one who (when alone with her) would say “this sucks.” She said folks were well-meaning, but having their discomfort come through made it unpleasant for her and them. Your business friend might feel this way.</p>
<p>Probably best to err on the side of caution (keeping your mouth shut). Close friend with ovarian two years ago shared with many friends and family but also said she pretty quickly tired of seeing/hearing about cancer at every turn. If you have given him an opening (per post #5), I’d suggest continuing to do that periodically but do let him have this part of his life go on as it has as long as he wants it to. I could imagine it might be a respite for him thinking there are still a few folks out there who don’t see him with a big red C on his forehead.</p>
<p>missypie, if he’s not taking you up on your “how are you doing?” question, I’d leave it alone. There are times when I am ready to spill the latest results, but other times I just don’t want to deal with it.</p>
<p>There are folks in my life who still don’t know I’m ill, and it’s been 8+ years. The timing never seemed right to spill the news and after a while, it struck me that it was because we were acquaintances rather than good friends.</p>
<p>OTOH, there are an incredible number of folks out there who are battling serious illnesses and you could never tell by looking at them. Having cancer has really made me attuned to those with invisible disabilities and to why someone may not choose to share that information.</p>
<p>When I was being treated for cancer, I appreciated people, even random acquaintances, expressing their concern. It made me feel loved and supported. I couldn’t believe how many people sent flowers, brought food, etc. It was also helpful to me to realize how many other people had gone through similar experiences themselves. The effects of the treatment were obvious and I was working in a public position which made the whole situation impossible to conceal even if I had wished to do so. I might have felt differently if it had gone on for years, or if the diagnosis was terminal; in my case, the treatment was rough, but after that the prognosis was pretty good.</p>
<p>So YMMV. But it doesn’t sound like this guy really wants to talk, and it’s hard to gauge reactions over the phone, so in your position I’d probably not say anything unless he gave me an opening.</p>
<p>Cancer of any type, with the exception of CML due to the Philadelphia chromosome translocation, is rarely a homogeneous disease but highly heterogeneous in origin and manifestation. Moreover, patients respond to treatments with different side effects. For these reasons, I would think it is hard for patients to talk about their cancer with others as if there could be meaningful exchange or dialogue. Likewise, I would hardly think that I could provide adequate emotional support, except to very close friends, to justify my potential intrusion.</p>