In case this is all legit, Zig, I want to give you some feedback on how you can become a better writer. Below, I’ll copy your paragraphs and then a suggestion on how to write more effectively.
Salutations. I know none of you know me, but I have heard from these forums of your successes at receiving admissions into Stanford via freshman admission and transfer. I have set up this discussion to request your opinion(s) on some decisions I will need to make, now that I myself got rejected into freshman admissions, and how I can improve my chances of getting into Stanford, as it was and remains my dream university.
FEEDBACK: You are stating the obvious - that we don’t know you, and that you are requesting our opinions. This entire paragraph could be replaced by the sentence: I’d like some help in improving my chances of getting into Stanford as a transfer, after having been rejected for freshman admissions. It’s of no relevance that it’s your dream university or merely a university you like a lot.
- As I previously stated, I did not receive the beloved “acceptance letter” from Stanford University. Instead, the dreadful words of, “I’m sorry to inform you…” were plastered onto my version of the admissions message. For two days, I was in utter dismay, shock, and felt only extreme sadness, to the point of near tears.I began questioning how my credentials, a 4.0 GPA, 33 ACT, what I presumed to be strong extracurriculars (two time varsity football athlete, multiple clubs, National Honors Society, 150+ service hours with local organization to donate supplies to my area’s city schools, which have low funding and many low income families / teachers) and a respectable common app essay detailing my early life struggles with verbal apraxia and living in the streets of Chicago and how it taught me the values of sacrifice and hark work to overcome anything life throws at you was not substantial enough to receive acceptance. Like, what gives? How come my accomplishments weren’t good enough? Unfortunately, I was not aware, and frankly at the time, was not concerned with the other thousands of my counterparts who felt similar emotions upon their rejection from Stanford, a realization I uncovered a week ago after reading beyond the first two sentences of my letter.*
FEEDBACK: You’ve already told us you didn’t get into Stanford. You don’t need to melodramatize the exact moment of receiving the letter or how long you were in shock. This entire paragraph could be replaced by: * I thought I had good stats (4.0 GPA, 33 ACT, varsity football, NHS, 150+ service hours and a common app essay about struggling with verbal apraxia), but it wasn’t enough for acceptance.* Again, it’s irrelevant whether you were “aware” or “unaware” of the emotions of thousands of other students who were rejected.
*Upon finding the College Confidential website for the first time two days ago, locating the thread on Stanford Class of 2020, and seeing the accolades of some Stanford acceptees (some claiming to have 28 ACTs, not being serious about essays, etc.), I can confidently say it both shattered my heart and humbled me in the most earnest of ways. While I initially felt jealously for those “taking my spot”, I grew to accept the circumstances and simply be happy for their success. Additionally, I finally removed my “blinding lenses” (figuratively) to fully acknowledge what the college admissions process truly is: a crapshoot. Everyone, acceptees or denied students alike, possesses unique characteristics within their personal lives, successes, and even failures, that sets them a part from each and every college hopeful. While some universities disclose their desires and criteria behind the complete applicant, you never will know the reasoning behind why the admissions officer who read your application ______ you, or what stuck out to him and her that said, “he/she is a viable candidate and will succeed at X university”! Fully understanding of the process and the complex intricacies that go into accepting prospective students, I felt somewhat better about myself and the slim percentage of applicants who actually received admittance. *
FEEDBACK: Too much irrelevant detail about how you found CC, and too much blather about “everyone possesses unique characteristics” and “you never know the reasoning behind why a given candidate was chosen.” This is called belaboring the obvious. This entire paragraph could be summed up by: * Now that I’ve had some time to recover from the shock, I realize that I didn’t need to feel jealous of those who got in, and I acknowledge that I never had any guarantee of getting into Stanford." *
*However, my ambition for getting into Stanford has not waned in the slightest. In fact, the rejection has driven my desire and love for Stanford to heights I never felt could exceed what I felt before my unpleasant March 25th decision news. I believe the news even stimulated my work ethic and drive to succeed in the classroom beyond my normal capacity, as I pulled off a couple of 100s on my most recent maths (Calc. BC and Stats) and Government tests last week. The decision status I received did not make my decision to go elsewhere easier. Instead, I stubbornly keep my application tab from my web broswer open andI have left my Stanford sweatshirt on for days (stinky, haha), and I almost refuse to put forth any considerations towards my other applications at Notre Dame, Duke, Boston College, Holy Cross, and Penn State.
Finding ways to somehow get into Stanford has not left my mind either. I’m considering to give the admissions office at Stanford a University a call or my sob email to ensure my admissions statement was correct. I’m currently searching community colleges to attend in desperation (as I saw a good number of statements from other College Confidential users saying they received acceptances into Stanford, like yours, via transfer from a CC). I am even attempting to hasten my recovery from an ACL tear suffered during Varsity Football, in the hopes that they miraculously acknowledge I am healthy and offer a scholarship (which Holy Cross and others have). I stubbornly refuse to accept my rejection letter and actively seek out any method for becoming a Stanford Undergraduate, which also led me to this website that I wish I located back in November when I applied.*
FEEDBACK: Again, you tend to include irrelevant details. Why are you citing March 25th? Why are you then circling back around to wishing that you’d found CC in November. If you had to summarize this paragraph you could simply say: * However, I still am determined to go to Stanford. I’ve heard that it’s possible to transfer from a comm college into Stanford; is that true, or am I better off pursuing a degree at one of my other options – Notre Dame, Duke, Boston, Holy Cross, Penn State? I have a football scholarship to Holy Cross; would it be reasonable for me to expect that Stanford, too, might give me a football scholarship?" * (The answer is no, of course, but at least you would have asked the question clearly.
*I admit the last two paragraph was a bit of ranting, with a touch of hubris, but, seriously, I am doing everything in my power to get into my dream school, even if it is excessive and perhaps clingy of myself to do so. So, if I may ask, could you provide any insight or information as to aid my inevitable transfer application? Anything that comes to mind - extracurricular, colleges and specific locations (I have yet to commit to any university yet), recommendations for potential essays, or even advice on a Rudy-esque admissions path yet to be discovered and utilized - ANYTHING. The former serves to prove my desperation! *
There is nothing you have said here that you didn’t already say above.