<p>Basically, everything in my life is steps away from being complete ****.</p>
<p>I attend an expensive private university full of rich snobs. Although I was recruited to play basketball here, I no longer do. I’m adopted by my alcoholic aunt, and my manipulative uncle, both of whom I hardly have talked to since last summer ever since I called them out for treating me differently than their own children. For example, they somehow always manage to forget my birthday, yet give their own kids hundreds of dollars and take them out to dinner. Somehow, I text my uncle asking him questions, but never receive a response. It’s ridiculous. I don’t have anyone else. My mom suffers from a mental illness, and after her repeated attempts to harm my sister an I when we were younger I feel completely uncomfortable having anything to do with her. My sister, hasn’t been in my life for 5 or 6 years. She has a split personality, and spent my childhood telling me how fat, ugly, and worthless I was. If anything I credit her for my need to care about my appearance so much because I fear the judgement of others.</p>
<p>Although I’m told I have a pretty face, I don’t fit in here. 80-90% of the students here are short, white, and small minded. I’m 6ft tall, multiracial, and stick out where ever I am. When I visit big universities hours away, men flock, women compliment… But here… It’s like I’m invisible. I always feel out of place. I never eat in the cafeteria, an since I don’t have a tv I spend most of my time in my dorm room watching hulu on my phone… Or staring at the wall…</p>
<p>In high school, despite an awful home life… I could go to school and escape, in college… I live in hell 24-7.</p>
<p>I used to have two roommates/3 best friends who were from similar backgrounds… But after they lied, manipulated, and stole from me I let go of them too. My third friend moved into my old room… And now I live in my new dorm room alone. I have no other friends, and as a junior it’s hard to make any at all. And trust me, I’ve tried. I tried going to the gym and playing pick up games… But this depression has my confidence shot. The second I think I’m playing bad, I might as well not even be on the court because my level of play only gets worse from there.</p>
<p>I have no means of making money or getting help from a parent or the equivalent, and in this small rural town I couldn’t even find a job here. So I recently got a job at a clothing store that is beyond expensive. I drive 25minutes to get there each day I work. Although I dress nice for work, I can’t afford the clothes we sell, and even if I could they hardly ever carry jeans my length in store. So I also feel like the poor ugly chick at work. It doesn’t help that everyone is materialistic…</p>
<p>Although I have a boyfriend, I’m jealous of him. He is younger than me (I’m a junior/he’s a freshman at a school 30 minutes away) I’m jealous because he always has people in his dorm. He has 6 roommates, girls come over, and it’s a party almost daily. While I’m staring at my phone for a text from the ONLY person on this planet I talk to… He’s too busy to respond enjoying the college life…On top of that, I am worried that I may be pregnant. </p>
<p>This is bad for three reasons.
- I got pregnant the 1st time I had sex, the summer before my 1st year in college. I had an abortion, and it was the single most traumatic experience I my life.
- Although I talk to no one in my family… They all doubt that I’ll graduate… And knowing everyone wants me to fail… Is really hard.
- I’m broke. I have maybe 20 dollars to my name, and no health insurance. Although my older cousins or on my aunt and uncles plan, I am not because I had Medicaid. Had as in they canceled my plan, and now I no longer have birth control, increasing my pregnancy risk, eliminating my ability to get eye glasses, or go to the doctor for other problems I’ve had such as the hives that broke out on my side.</p>
<p>I feel like all I do is complain, and there’s no one to talk to. I have no friends, no therapist, I’m gonna lose my boyfriend the only person I have if I do keep this up and all I do is cry everyday.</p>
<p>I look at all the kids around me with their brand new laptops, while mine sits in my room broken, and their brand new cars, while my '98 is weeks away from breaking down… And wonder why they were born into their life, and why I got stuck in mine.</p>
<p>Why don’t I have anywhere to go for the Holidays? Why can the girl in front of me afford $200 shoes when I can’t even afford a case of toilet paper? How can I be so tall, but barely be noticed? </p>
<p>Why don’t I have a support system? Why doesn’t someone call me once a week to make sure I’m even still alive? </p>
<p>Last night, I stared at a bottle I pills and genuinely contemplated it. I have no idea what’s holding me back from taking that last step… And idk what to do. I’m always alone.</p>