I get where you are coming from, especially with a birthday right around the holidays. I, too, have wanted my family to come up with great gifts on their own, but typically they aren’t that good at it. I have finally realized that giving them a bunch of options works better than just saying I don’t know what I want.
If it were me, I would tell DH that I was disappointed and come up with a plan for a night out with a show/concert in your area or even a night away (if you can arrange that). You can be honest that you didn’t know you would feel this way.
My 40th occurred when I was away for spring break with the family. I thought that H would at least bring some small present (e.g., jewelry takes up very little room in the luggage!) But nothing. H’s birthday is 9 months after mine, so I thought "well, that lets me off the hook for doing something big on his 40th!
Anyway, after that I had a lot of spring break birthdays…I took control and at minimum we had great dinner reservations. For my 50th, only youngest D and I could travel, so we went to Universal Studios for spring break and had a terrific time. I told H that what I wanted was for him to take my car in for the whateverthousand mile checkup and to have it detailed. A great present.
Very long story short - I don’t rely on others to be thoughtful (although my kids have become pretty darned thoughtful gift givers.) I ask directly for what I want - no hinting around. OP, I’m not blaming you for being disappointed; I send you many virtual hugs. Just in the future, treat yourself great!
I’m sorry that happened to you, Happy Birthday ! The last year I’ve been disappointed all three occasions: birthday, anniversary and Christmas. Personally, I’m NOT okay with giving my husband or kids a pass. I think its thoughtless and hurtful and after Christmas passed and I returned 3 out of 5 gifts my husband gave me I told both my son and husband how I feel about their thoughtlessness. After my husband (of less than 4 years) forgot our anniversary last March and my April birthday for the past two years I decided I wouldn’t throw him a 60th bash. In the end I did because I knew he would love it and it just wasn’t in me to be so revengeful.
Just writing this upsets me. I empathize with you, its not okay. Funny how they remember when the game is on, where their friends are having a beer on Friday afternoon, or marking their calendars for the important things in THEIR life but don’t prioritize the one person who they are supposedly devoted to. No passes here. Not sure what I’ll do going forward but I can assure you I won’t be sitting back and hoping they come through for me.
We don’t give each other gifts for birthdays or anniversaries or Valentine’s Day, and I don’t care - at all - about no gifts.
Instead we ask each other -what would you like to do on your special day?-(movie, dinner at which restaurant, etc.). No one has hurt feelings or causes the other person to feel bad for failing to mind-read and purchase the perfect gift.
I know that many men use the excuses: “I don’t know what you want; I don’t know the right size or color; I don’t know which style; I hate shopping” blah blah blah.
Now, Amazon may not have everything you might want, but it has a lot of stuff. We should take advantage of the Amazon Wish List and add stuff we’d really like and tell our family to pick from there. Include enough items that their choices will still be a surprise. They don’t even need to leave their couch! (Take your cell phone off of text alerts so you don’t get a heads up!)
H and I rarely do gifts but even he knew that my 60th required something more than a card and a token gift - so there was gorgeous bouquet of red roses delivered and he made reservations at very expensive restaurant for dinner that night.
I wouid have been very disappointed if he’d done the usual, so I get where OP is coming from. Acknowledging milestones with something a little more special is important, imo.
I don’t expect gift from my kid. A phone call is enough.
I feel OP’s pain. Some people are just not great with gifts, and my wife is also such a person. For my 50th birthday, she gave me a new toiletry kit. It’s a nice one, sure, but… Alas, with such people, you simply have to give up the dream of being surprised with a wonderful gift. You have to tell them what you want, and you have to be specific.
No, OP, you are not crazy. I had to beg my husband to even acknowledge my 50th, and many birthdays didn’t really get celebrated due to lack of time or money. I’m talking not even cake or a card! But this last birthday (55th) made up for it all - we went on a cruise and I got champagne, strawberries, cake and spa treatments on board.
Thanks Everyone for their stories. Listening to other people stories makes me know I am not alone. For H birthday at 40 we went away which I planned and at his 50 I planned a get away plus a really nice watch inscribed on the back. We are going to a play on Sunday and Melting Pot, but I had to think of it and I had to make the reservation. I guess if he took charge just once in 20 years for a very special occassion that would be more special then a present! Funny my dad gave me $250.00 5 dollars for every year I was born so I am going to book me something great today
I also like simple things and don’t care for surprise parties, so I’d be very surprised if my family expected my feelings to turn a complete 180 for a milestone event. I think your family was trying to please you based on what they know about you. But people’s feelings and expectations do change, so if yours have I think it’s important to communicate that going forward. I’m glad you heard from your dad.
My husband is dyslexic and not great with dates. I remind him a couple weeks before birthdays and other holidays that they’re coming up. For my birthday he always makes my favorite meal because that’s what I asked him to do – except for one year when I forgot to remind him. He felt really badly, but we just celebrated the next day. I choose not to be hurt that he forgets because he shows me how devoted he is in more important ways every day.
I think the best way to deal with people like this is to let them know what we expect. I remind my children that their dad’s birthday is coming up and suggest things they could do with him so they understand I expect them to make time for him. A couple weeks before my birthday and Mother’s Day I mention that they’re coming up and suggest things we could all do together. When they’re grown, I’ll probably still give them all reminders, but I’ll have the ingredients for my favorite dish on hand, just in case.
H has never been good at gifts. DD2 makes some attempts; DD1 is like H - kind of clueless. Had my 60th birthday and I bought expensive boots that are good for hiking but also stylish. We have a good hiking spot walking distance from our home. Found I need a walking stick, so I asked H to make me one for C-mas. He got a great piece of stick out of our natural wooded area, sanded it down - and it works great. Waiting for wood to totally dry out so a nice finish can be put on it. I have a 60th to remember.
Since I manage a lot with the budget, and received inheritance money, have gotten things like nice jewelry that others might be getting as gifts.
Getting a BD card and call from kids is nice. Told them years ago if they made one they don’t have to spend $$.
My family members in Switzerland make a very big deal over milestones. I was at the celebration for cousin’s wife’s 60th BD - it was fabulous. Cousin and his brother are both chefs by profession. An afternoon/evening to remember.
When my wife turned 50 I got her a print by a famous artist and I got the artist to sign it for her, “MrsNJRes, Happy 50th birthday.” She didn’t appreciate the personalized signature. The print has remained in its cardboard cylinder in the closet ever since. Now that she is well over 50 I may get it framed and try again.
Another thought from a husband perspective. My wife was “upset” about turning 50 and kind of sent signals that she didn’t want to publicize/make a big deal about it. So we kept it it real low key like a “regular” birthday.
For every spouse that is upset by a lack of effort, there is probably a spouse who made an effort and felt it wasn’t appreciated, as others have reflected here. This gift giving stuff is tricky business. If a spouse has been a poor gift giver, it’s unlikely to change for a milestone event unless there is some not so subtle hinting, or preferably outright expressing of what your expectations are.
Been there, done that. H and son not good at doing things for me. I’m the one who racks her brain for birthday gifts (gave up on a secular Christmas- not worth the effort when no one bothered to ask me what I wanted). I have carried off a surprise party for H and otherwise ensured a fuss was made for him for more than one x0 landmark. Landmarks for me- nah. We did rush home from a Chicago weekend for my 40th to go out for dinner with my sister- whoopee… On one nonlandmark birthday I got to sit in a Chicago hotel room with our baby while he napped and his CA relatives did a city tour- they gave me a card, H forgot.
By now I guess you just have to accept that your most close and loved family doesn’t have the same mindset you do. You need to celebrate for yourself- just as #50 did. Life is full of disappointments and not fair.
My latest- H and son were gifted with t-shirts from his mother (post holiday clearance sales). Zilch for me- we have a fine relationship (just finished 6 weeks together). Gag t shirt from his sister (we all congregated in CA) about how H doesn’t need Google because he has a wife. H’s aunt had shirts for the guys. I’m the one who makes sure cards are bought for everyone…
So- you are not alone. Yes, depressing. This was a good place for you to vent and get our sympathy.
Hey, no reason you can’t go out and do something special now, even after the fact! Let your hubby know in a nice way, or just plan it yourself! Maybe a night out, dinner out with friends/family or something.
My birthday always fell during the week our extended family went on vacation. Plus, I share it with twin nieces–guess whose cake I was usually sharing? I actually didn’t mind–H never had to think about cake cuz there was one, I was in my favorite place in the world, and getting twin nieces was actually my favorite birthday present ever!
As I recall, by 50, in-laws had their own place in the area, and held a backyard crabfest for their daughters (and me) that year. My favorite baseball player had a career day against the Yankees that day also, so all in all it was a pretty good day!
We pretty much don’t do presents, which is fine with me and takes the pressure off everyone, though I totally understand that others’ expectations are different, which is perfectly fine. (sometimes one of us we’ll say "I want a " and the other will say–“sure, call it your birthday present.”)
My husband was clueless, absolutely clueless about my 50th. Plus, I was surrounded by the detritus of early motherhood (as well, of course, as the joys) because I was 46 when we adopted our infant daughter. Couldn’t he at least help me clean the house or mow the lawn for the occasion? Sigh.
I vowed at the time to take charge of the next big milestone myself, and to do it justice
So, with my 60th fast approaching, my fantasy is to take off on a solo trip to England, to stroll the gardens of the Cotswolds and the farms of the lake District at my leisure, without worrying about anyone else’s level of boredom. In a perfect world, companionship would be lovely, but not when it means dragging people around who just don’t have my penchant for puttering, or my interest in varieties of old climbing roses, lol… Honestly, I don’t know if I will justify the expense, but I may do some kind of jaunt closer to home.
OP, I get it…it’s not about the gift, per se, but feeling that someone has taken the time to put effort and care into it without being told to. It’s about being treated, on this rare occasion, as if you (and life) are treasured. Those in the “just tell them what you want camp” mean well (and do know how to keep the peace) but I think it’s missing the point. The point is: feeling that there is someone in the world who wants to do this without being told. Sometimes even grown-up nurturers need nurturing. And probably deserve it more than anyone else…
