<p>Agree that a therapist/counselor/psychologist whatever is unlikely to opine about a person they have not met, and even less likely that they will say such disparaging things. </p>
<p>It is hard to know what is going on with third hand information. Could be a primary cognitive problem, could be the effects of ETOH on cognition, could be med/ETOH interaction or mood/ETOH interaction or what have you. If the friend is still in couples therapy with him (with a therapist who is better able to set limits on his attempts to control the sessions), thats where these issues should be addressed.</p>
<p>“how can an intelligent highly-paid professional not remember these things? She didn’t think that he’s bald-faced lying. She believed that he really doesn’t remember these kinds of things?”</p>
<p>This is sounding an awful lot like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, something I have unfortunately had to learn about to explain elements of my own husband’s behavior. The verbal abuse, the need to make her second guess herself, the need to destabilize her. He gets upset when she’s happy? That sounds like he needs to manipulate her moods in order to stay in control. What kind of loving husband is upset when their wife is happy?</p>
<p>These types of people have incredibly selective memory – which is essential if they’re to sustain their false sense of self. He will probably never acknolwedge treating her poorly or doing anything that doesn’t conform to how he needs to see himself. And people with this disorder often also abuse substances. </p>
<p>I’m glad she has you to talk to. At this point, I think all you can do is listen.</p>
<p>“Or, he might say, “We only go to movies that YOU pick out.” So, she started keeping track of what movies they go to so that she could show that the selections are pretty fairly split.”</p>
<p>Another perfect example. He knows full well that they don’t just go to movies she picks out. He’s just doing this to make her crazy. She will then go back and think – gee – do we do that? No – here’s proof. But he will then find someway to disregard her proof, further destabilizing her. Google NPD. There are many excellent articles on it by Sam Vaknin. I hope I’m wrong about her husband, but everything you have relayed sounds a lot like he has elements of NPD.</p>
<p>Classof2015, I have known 2 classic narcissists in my day. You could be right but I really didn’t see anything that made me think of NPD in the man in question. That is why I suggested that the friend go to a counselor. The counselor will be best abkle to help the friend figure out what is going on and the appropriate action to take.</p>
<p>I grew up with an alcoholic father that was only happy when he was drunk. The rest of the time he was grumpy. As far as forgetting things, if the guy is truly an alcoholic, he may be “blacking out.” It’s not like passing out…the alcoholic can seem perfectly normal, but is so wasted that they don’t remember anything the next day. It’s very common.</p>
<p>Abusive and controlling. The words seem too puny to describe the pain and turmoil they can cause in another person. The guy is a mean SOB who is even meaner when he’s drunk. The wife probably won’t get any relief unless she leaves him. And let’s hope he’s not the type who’ll come after her with a gun.</p>
<p>Ok, you don’t want to hear this. The OP needs to keep tabs on how much personal energy she is expending on her friend who is married to this guy. Chances are good the woman will never leave her husband, but she may soon be sucking a lot of the oxygen out of the OP’s life with her need for support. Decide when you’ve had enough.</p>