Where to begin… going into this semester I was confident and determined in becoming a college graduate with a degree in economics and going on to become a commissioned officer in the Marine Corps. I was very active, diligent in problem solving and anything that required strategy, and I was unafraid to talk to people even those who I didn’t know.
Now, only 15 weeks later, I think I feel as lost as a human being could possibly feel. Finals are this week (starting tomorrow) and although I’m sitting at As and A-s for my classes (excluding 1 which is currently a B) I feel as though I have no shot at doing well on the final exams; this is probably somewhat of a combination of not having studied for about 3 weeks and a sort of lie I’m telling myself that it’s not possible for me to do well. When I do try to study, my brain moves at a snail’s pace. I don’t retain anything. It’s hard to pinpoint an exact time when I started feeling different or depressed, as it seems so much negative has happened in the 7 weeks or so that I’ve felt this way (although this is definitely the pinnacle of negative thoughts and dysfunctionality). The first time I started feeling weird was in my strategy/game theory class. Usually, I could go into class focused and could comprehend lecture material the first time I heard it, but that day something was off. It was like I was there physically but my mind wasn’t and because of it, my processing was so much slower than usual if at all there. I don’t remember my exact reaction to realizing this, but I think I was scared but wanted to just study more later and try to pick up the information then. My retention and processing just got worse from there. About the same time, I obtained a shoulder injury which took me away from weightlifting / training, and I must say this had a definite effect on my mind and body. Also, I’m not sure of the exact cause, but I’m suddenly afraid of social interaction. When I talk to people my mind feels like a jumbled mess, and despite trying to have a conversation with someone, I’m terrified that they’ll realize “hey something’s not right with this kid” and I’ll forever be labeled as having some kind of psychological problem. In addition, it always feels as though I’m dreaming, like I have no control over what’s happening in a given situation. I really don’t know if I have some underlying condition that is making all these symptoms come about or if I’m just stressed out from school and unable to cope. I should mention 1) I’ve had a few bad concussions from HS football and 2) that my mom and dad divorced a few years ago after my mom went through years of depression / strange behavior. Not to give a sob story, but it just further confuses me about my condition because it was never really determined if my mom had a condition or was just unable to cope with a recent move. To this day, she still seems like there’s something off about her. As for my situation, it seems like the unsolvable case of the chicken and the egg to me. And to make matters more difficult, I don’t have insurance. I’ve already taken a year off for a similar situation after getting mono and don’t want to go through that “hiatus” again. Has anyone gone through having similar feelings?
Let me start off this thread by saying everyone (100% of people) has psychological problems. It’s how you cope with them that differentiates people. There is absolutely no shame in having psychological problems, and the people who say they don’t, are in denial. Why not avail yourself to the school’s counseling services today? Call now and tell them you need to talk to someone, hopefully before you go home on break. Don’t let your pride keep you from getting the help you need because you “don’t want to go through that ‘hiatus’ again”. Becoming an adult can be more challenging for some people than others, and there’s no reason you can’t use appropriate support services that are available to you.
Are you getting enough sleep? Probably not. Can you see someone at your school’s health center? There is no shame in getting help. If you scratched the surface, a lot of seemingly high functioning adults have had a real low point in their lives. Also how many bad concussions did you have? That could definitely be a factor. Just try to get through finals in one piece. There are other threads in the café about kids struggling. You are not alone.
I appreciate the responses. I don’t know if I can speak to someone in health services without having insurance ( im pretty sure they just refer you to a social worker or psych who takes your insurance anyway). That being said I guess the first step is getting insurance. Class of 15 I get a lot of sleep but the quality is really poor which just makes me want more. And I had at least 2 concussions the last being 5 years ago
You poor thing! For a while, my daughter would be up for 3 days then sleep for 2, which just shattered her semester (ended up withdrawing). She said the same thing – she’d read a chapter three times and nothing would sink in. She ended up seeing a therapist and trying a variety of different medications (some for ADHD, some for anxiety) until she found a combo that worked. Slowly she got off the medication and saw her therapist once every 2 weeks instead of even twice a week. I think the insurance thing varies by school but it’s worth a call to see how they can help you. re: concussions – a doctor can tell you if there’s a lasting impact – I believe it has to do with how quickly you resumed your sport, how severe the concussions were and how many. Divorce is hard to go through too. And it sounds like your mom is struggling. Hugs!
You’re not going to know unless you reach out to them. Every major university, and most small ones have a student health center where they can refer students who need counseling. If it’s beyond the staff they have, then they might refer out, but as we went through the college application process and toured many colleges, they all had counselors on staff. Colleges are remiss if they don’t provide options for students who are struggling emotionally - traditional college age is a prime age for many psychiatric illnesses to manifest themselves, so those schools have to have plans in place to help students.
Emotions get really amplified during finals week and it’s easy to put broad implications on them, but I suggest holding off on anything but studying. Tell yourself that you will deal with the depression after your finals. Don’t catastrophize and think about all of the bad things that will happen and how poorly you will do - it’s not helpful. You will do your best and what will be will be and if there are consequences, you will deal with them whatever they are. Studying is what needs to happen now. Creating a focus on the present problem.
Spend a few minutes meditating before going to the library. Find a quite place and just breathe. My karate teacher used to say to think about an empty blackboard. Then go to the library and start methodically studying. Don’t focus on how much you have to catch up because that will lead to panic, but make a list of topics and just concentrate on the specific topic that you are working on. One thing at a time. Slowly and calmly. Go through problems and teach yourself the material. Force yourself to avoid thoughts about your depression, thoughts about your future, anxiety about what could happen. Just focus on the present and on the minute details of the problem that you are working on. Nothing more. You can do this. If there are review sessions be sure to attend. If there are TA hours be sure to attend.
What will be will be.
I too was depressed – horribly depressed – in college, and that was about a century ago. In retrospect, I should have availed myself of the help that was available, but – I was too depressed to investigate, much less take action!!
Just do one thing: Call the school’s health center. Tell them you are depressed and want to see a counselor.
Don’t let the first step overwhelm you. You’ll work it out from there.