<p>@momlove,
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own experience. I think you hit the nail on the head here:</p>
<p>It is horribly difficult to stand by and watch your child struggle and not know what to do to help. Do they want silence? Are they dying for you to make them talk about it? Maybe he is just biding his time until college, knowing that even if he made friends with these kids, they mostly be going their own ways soon enough. Hardly makes a person want to invest a lot of themself.</p>
<p>He is biding his time until college, he even says as much. I think he’s sort of given up on trying to blend in here - perhaps I just need to understand that that is a logical decision for him.</p>
<p>Oddbood, I am assuming a tourist visa is not as difficult to obtain as a residence visa.<br>
Is there any way your child could spend spring break with friends in your old city?
This may be just the remedy he needs midway between leaving them and heading off to his new college adventures.</p>
<p>oddbood, I agree that you made what you believed was the best decision for your family and that you could not predict this response. Fortunately, you are with your son now to be able to observe what is going on and you can get him help.
I would think of an excuse, any excuse, to get him to a healthcare provider. You should meet with the healthcare provider ahead of time to express your concerns. You would be surprised about what a healthcare provider who is experienced with teens can get teens to talk about. At the very least, the provider should be able to determine whether your son has suicidal thoughts or self mutilating behavior, either of which would be urgent. The provider should also explore issues of alcohol, other drugs, sexual issues and should rule out any medical reasons for this behavior.
The “irritable and withdrawn” part is concerning. Of course, irritability and withdrawel from parents can be normal, especially right before college, but the provider should be able to determine whether this is normal behavior or concerning. And the lack of friends is a red flag. Your son should have at least one friend.
You feel something in your gut, oddbood, and you should listen to it.
Meanwhile, your son should have a schedule, including exercise. The healthcare provider could “prescribe” exercise; you can discuss this ahead of time also.
Is there a family with a son that would hit it off with your son who you could invite over? I know that they are old for “play dates” but in this circumstance it might be helpful for you to facilitate something.
Out of curiousity, is your son spending a lot of time on a social networking site communicating with his old friends? Is this what he does when he “withdraws”? Can you or a relative look at his site to see if there is anything of concern there? Most teenagers will not “friend” their parents, but they may “friend” another adult relative who could tell you if there is anything concerning.
Best of luck!</p>
<p>Thanks, Levrim. I do have a way to occasionally monitor his facebook - he does spend a lot of time communicating with his old group of friends. In fact, he was able to meet up with some of them over the Christmas holidays. It was wonderful while it lasted, but I think he actually felt worse coming back home. </p>
<p>I’ve seen no signs of substance abuse - very good grades, and his teachers love him. Part of the issue with bonding with other kids here has been the type of social scene that dominates the high school community - lots of “clubbing,” something to which my son has a pretty strong aversion. I’m sure there are other kids here who feel the same way, but he just hasn’t connected with them. And I think the whole thing has just sort of snow-balled - and now he just doesn’t see a way in.</p>
<p>I agree - he should have at least one friend. I’m going to get him to a doctor or counselor this week - not sure how I’ll approach it with him exactly, but many of you here have given wonderful support and some good suggestions. I do appreciate it.</p>
<p>At our international school, I have seen many of my Ds’ friends come and go over 15 years. I am really amazed at the adaptability of those kids as my own have stayed put all this time. I have also been surprised at the number of kids coming in for just senior year (let alone as a junior). It is important for him to know that he is not alone in having to make many school and cultural transitions. I bet you probably already know about the literature and knowledge-base surrounding Third Culture Kids (TCK). If not, you should really research it and get the book on the subject for him to read. It might help him to know he is part of this culture and that it has many benefits, as well as drawbacks from having to leave places and constantly adapt.</p>
<p>His life will really be enriched by all the new cultural experiences he has had growing up, and yes, it must be really hard to leave friends behind, but in the grand scheme of things, people are always moving on and in college and beyond he will find himself in whole new worlds, which he will be better prepared for precisely because of his background.</p>
<p>That alone can be a hard issue to learn to deal with but it’s something we’ve all got to master unless we want to completely cut ourselves off from the past everytime we move. </p>
<p>Your son is dealing with a lot but yet also coping rather well overall. He’s lucky to have loving, concerned parents. I don’t know how things work in the country you are living in but would it be possible for him to get a job or do volunteer work? It can feel good to be earning your own money and/or helping others. Plus, while he may not make same age friends, he will make friends.</p>
<p>His reaction sounds completely normal to me. It’s hard to make progress coming in new to senior year. The other seniors already have firm friendships and he is now just “that guy”, the outsider.</p>
<p>I think both you and he are just going to have to ride it out. The good news is there are only a few months left. Hang in there!</p>
<p>You might also look at ■■■■■■■■■■ and see if there are any groups in the area he might be interested in. Hobbies or sports he’s interested in, etc.</p>
<p>Hello fellow posters. I have been accused of diagnosing someone I’ve never met. </p>
<p>My comment: “His quiet mood isn’t a surprise, but it doesn’t sound like depression either. He’s just biding his time before he goes off to college and meets new kids.”</p>
<p>My worry is that this thread started on a Friday evening. Not exactly the time to start searching for a counselor. If the OP had stated some more serious symptoms that Ohio gave us, then my post would be completely different.</p>
<p>I’m glad oddbood will talk to a counselor. It’s always helpful. But I’m especially glad to hear this because I think it sounds very normal, given his circumstances.
<p>I remember the last semester of high school. It was gadawful. And that didn’t include a move. I remember morosely thinking, “Nobody should have to live through their last semester of high school.” And then of course I’d laugh glumly, because there would always be a last term no matter how many terms you’d shave off.</p>
<p>With an early acceptance in hand at a wonderful but demanding school, perhaps his sadness over the move is combined with a slightly early inward turning that most kids do over the summer before they go off to school. When college, and moving away from home, get very real and immediate, lots of kids get very inward focused and sometimes appear depressive - this I’ve learned on these forums. </p>
<p>These months are incredibly stressful for high school seniors as they await all of the college acceptances and rejections. It’s just plain a very hard time. It sounds to me like you are talking with him about his feelings. That’s great. Again it was here on these pages that I learned to expect the conversation to begin around 11 PM or midnight, and that it was important to listen when the teen was ready to talk even tho you were half asleep. It was so very strange for me to see this play out in my household after reading about it here.</p>
<p>So be ready to listen. At midnight. To sadness and fear and uncertainty. Let him know you’re sorry about uprooting him again and so forth, and that it will be different at college because all the kids are uprooted at the same time. This experience is very different from how it will be at college (he might think this social situation is a forerunner of college life and it is not).</p>
<p>Im sorry to hear about your sons situation. But, as MD Mom pointed out, youre certainly not alone. Although, there are a couple of issues that you should watch. The majority of the college students that I work with started off ok in high school and then didnt do well at some point in college, frequently due to issues that you mentioned. Be aware that even under normal circumstances young men graduate at lower rates from college than their female counterparts, so I think special care should be taken for your son. Most of the college re-starts I do are unfortunately with young men.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone who said who said that he should see a physician or therapist. This, of course, is easy to say. Most young men are resistant to the last for this, although there are exceptions. Specifically, psychiatrists will assess depression the best. A pediatrician may not be the best route for someone who is probably (Im guessing) 17 years old, and I know some that refuse to prescribe antidepressants. A mental health counselor or therapist (the titles will vary depending on the state you live in) will be able to work with depression, and guidance counselors wont. The latter are typically educationally-oriented, and couldnt do treatment in their capacity of guidance counselor even if appropriately credentialed. Two considerations are at hand for the depression you described: First, it could be due to the changes in school etc. you mentioned, and there is such a thing as an adjustment disorder; second, adult depression can have its onset in late teens. Disentangling these two issues will give the best chance at a permanent resolution.</p>
<p>Another key issue is that of transition-to-college, and depression can follow a student there, eventually impacting their academic performance. A couple of studies by the Jed Foundation in 2007-09 reflected that levels of anxiety and depression in college students were higher than in the general population. Other key factors like social integration, student engagement, and (if necessary) supports for a student with depression at colleges should be considered when choosing a college. There really are too few college planners with the background to transition students with even minor disabilities effectively, and Ive had conversations with parents here at CC who had ill-fated planning due to this. </p>
<p>In all, the first step would be assessment of your sons situation to know what youre dealing with, and then having an effective plan toward college. This sounds simple, but its not. Most of the college problems Ive had to address revolve around these seemingly simple steps that werent done effectively ahead of time in terms of prevention.</p>