<p>I’m concerned about my son and not sure what to do. We had to move between junior and senior year, and he has not adjusted well to his new school. Academics are fine, but he has absolutely no social life. I don’t think he’s been out with peers in the past two months. </p>
<p>This is not normal for him - he was president of his class at his last school, and had a large varied group of friends. Here, he just hasn’t found his niche. He is involved in some school activities, but nothing has panned out socially. Especially over the past few weeks, he seems to be becoming more withdrawn and irritable. When we first moved at the beginning of the school year he was very open about his feelings about the move and his frustrations. Now, he insists he’s “fine” and does not want to talk. I’m not sure how to help, how to get beyond the barrier he’s put up. Hoping the collective wisdom here will offer some insight and or support. There’s nothing worse than watching your kid suffer and feeling like you don’t know how to help.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you, oddbood, depression in a teen is so so hard to watch Our daughter was molested about the same time in her high school experience and she sank into depression and an eating disorder. I think I would first see a counselor myself and then find out how to help your son.</p>
<p>He was President of his junior class and popular with his peers. I’m sure he was looking forward to enjoying his senior year with his buddies. Then, he got the news that the family was moving. The world as he knew it came to a halting stop.</p>
<p>Can you imagine how hard it is for a teenager to spend his senior year of high school as the “outsider”? The rest of the kids have all ready formed their close friendships over the years. With this being their last year, they want to keep their close circle of friends tight as they share the perks of being a senior as well as the stress/joy/sorrow of the college application process. He feels like he doesn’t belong–the kids he should be sharing his last fun year of high school are miles away. </p>
<p>I don’t blame him for feeling miserable. He probably doesn’t see the point in sharing his feelings with you because he probably feels as though his feelings don’t matter. He was ripped from his happy world and plopped into a new school for his senior year. </p>
<p>I’m trying to give you an idea of what he may be feeling. Actually, his behavior sounds pretty normal for a kid who had his world turned upside down. He probably goes to school everyday feeling like an outsider and realizing that his real friends are back “home” enjoying their senior year without him. </p>
<p>Talk with him. Be understanding and give him the freedom to express his emotions.</p>
<p>PS–My intention is not to make you feel bad, but to give you an idea of what he may be thinking. You know your son best. Trust you gut. Talk with him. You might suggest that he consider speaking with a counselor if he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing his feelings with you.</p>
<p>He’s angry, depressed, isolated, stressed, and helpless to do anything about his parents yanking him to a new place his senior year of hs. Why didn’t you let him finish his senior year at his other school?
You didn’t listen to him. You caused his misery.
Ask him what can be done to help him.</p>
<p>I have to agree with other posters, if his niche was in the neighborhood of “class president” it’s just not going to happen in the short time he has at the new school. I’d say to get to the basics of the activities (sports, arts, volunteering) he’s enjoyed in the past and find a group to be involved with. I’m sure this relocation has been stressful on the entire family, but please pay special attention to the kid who had all his ducks in a row to finish this phase of his life and got it all plucked out of the water.</p>
<p>Truth is that his educational and social world will be changing again with the move to college this fall. Help him not get lost in the transitions.</p>
<p>This might seem silly, but is there any way possible for him to finish his senior year at his old school? Live with a friend or relative? It’s only for 3 or 4 months…</p>
<p>What a gift it would be if you could find a way for him to finish out the year at his original school and graduate with HIS friends and classmates.</p>
<p>Definitely try to find a way to get him to finish out at his old school. At this point (being half way through the year at a new school) - I don’t see any other way to turn this around before he graduates with horrible memories and resentment. Good luck.</p>
<p>At least he has the EA at Chicago in his pocket. That is fabulous! Are any of his old friends from his former HS applying there? I wonder if you can turn his attention in some way to next year. It must be so hard. Maybe because he is new at his current school, yet also knows he’s leaving soon, so there isn’t much point in investing in temporary friendships (hence he seems withdrawn compared to before). It would make sense to me.</p>
<p>Back in the late '70s my parents moved cross country half way through my senior year. They let me stay to finish the year, which at the time seemed very important. After one year of college, I followed them in their move. It appears that OP is already vested in the move and needs to make the best of the situation to the senior child. Looking forward is a good way to start.</p>
<p>Too bad that you/he had to move for the last year of HS. His quiet mood isn’t a surprise, but it doesn’t sound like depression either. He’s just biding his time before he goes off to college and meets new kids. At least then he won’t be the only kid on the block.</p>
<p>None of my boys feel the need to “talk about it” either, especially since that won’t change anything. He won’t be moving back, and that’s why he’s become a homebody. You already know why he’s not outgoing, and talking about it only underscores what’s been happening. In fact, “talk” is how to irritate him more. Instead, how about going out and doing something with him, explore your new community, go out to a Starbuck’s, find a bookstore, check out the library.</p>
<p>^^^^^^^^^You cannot say that it doesn’t sound like depression. He is exhibiting 2 classic signs that could indicate depression. Only a doctor should be diagnosing this child.</p>
<p>Symptoms of depression in children are often dismissed as age-appropriate moodiness or sullenness. This is partially because people assume particular age groups are just naturally cranky, irritable or withdrawn, and partially because people rarely consider depression as a possible childhood affliction.</p>
<p>Symptoms of depression in kids differ somewhat from adult symptoms, and include:</p>
<p>•appetite changes
•avoiding activities once enjoyed
•changes to sleeping patterns
•constantly bored
•drug or alcohol abuse
•feelings of guilt or self-blame
•feelings of hopelessness
•forgetfulness
•frequent headaches and stomachaches
•irritability <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
•loss of concentration
•loss of motivation and enthusiasm
•low energy
•low self-esteem
•persistent sadness
•poor school grades
•restlessness and agitation
•skipping school
•social withdrawal<<<<<<<<<<<<<
•thinking about death or suicide.</p>
<p>We moved high schools at the beginning of my junior year, and it wasn’t pretty. I can only imagine what it is like for a senior, especially one who’d been as involved in the old school as your son had been. Nonetheless, life doesn’t always work the way we’d like, and I understand that. </p>
<p>He’s no doubt bummed out, probably mad, and I don’t blame him. At least my new high school was in a fast-growing area and so there were lots of new kids – but that’s pretty rare. It’s one think if your niche is athletics – schools are pretty open to new kids who bring a strong athletic talent to bear, but student government has never been an open area. </p>
<p>Unless you’ve got some other reasons to think that he might be clinically depressed (failing to bathe frequently, losing/gaining weight, sleeping all the time, grades going to hell, …) he’s behaving pretty much the way I’d expect my kid – or lots of kids – to behave if they were confronted with similar circumstances. Years (many, many) after I finished college I could joke with my parents about the move junior year, but it was supremely annoying that they kept harping on all the “wonderful” opportunities the new community provided when, as far as I was concerned, the school was mediocre minus academically, it was a long bus ride away, the “Future Farmers of America” were the big group, and the town featured a Jack-In-The-Box and a Foster’s Freeze as the only two restaurants and no public library. To a kid from an urban background, this was not pretty even if there were golf courses everywhere.</p>
<p>I hope you didn’t go into this move thinking that he was going to “get over it” quickly. That would be surprising unless your kid was either used to frequent moves or hated the old school.</p>
<p>This happend to my husband as well. Three decades later and he’s still baffled as to how his parents ever thought it was a good idea; they are very close but it remains a sore subject for all of them. I agree that if it is at all possible, have him finish out his senior year at his old high school. It would be the gift of a lifetime. </p>
<p>We’re military and it’s very common for the active duty spouse to have to move while the other parent stays behind so the child can finish high school or for the child to move in with a friend’s family. So don’t feel that you have no options. Things can be worked out. </p>
<p>I would also, no matter what you decide, have your son see a therapist. There is very little chance he will talk to out about what is going on but you have to get him help. It would help also to let him know that adults make mistakes and to be willing to work with him when he feels ready.</p>
<p>@Batilo - you might consider that there may be extenuating circumstances before you go on the attack. Everyone else, thank you for your kind words and support.</p>
<p>Believe me, I fell horrible about being the cause of his misery. I am a Federal employee posted overseas, and saying no this move would have meant saying no to my career - it’s that simple. Believe me, I tried. If I’d quit my job, we still would have had to leave, only it would have meant unemployment as well as new school.</p>
<p>We did encourage him to consider remaining at his last school with my husband while I went ahead to my next post. it would have been a bit complicated, but doable. At the time, I don’t think he knew how hard it would be. He had moved to that school his sophomore year and had a pretty smooth transition (yes, 3 schools in 4 years). Also, he was excited about the city to which we were moving, we’d all heard great things about the new school, and, I think, he just didn’t want to deal with the separation - we would have been on different continents.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, all this also means that going back to his old school is not an option. </p>
<p>I know his reaction is completely normal, what has me worried is his increasing withdrawal from me and my husband. I’m encouraging him to take up another activity at school, but he says he’s not interested. He is involved in a few activities, but none of this seems to be leading to friendships. I’m also not sure if I should insist he see a doctor - I’d rather have that evolve out some conversations so that he is not feeling “forced.” I’ll keep trying to get through without seeming too intrusive - it’s such a delicate balance. And I think it’s also hard because I am dealing with quite a bit of guilt about this myself. Thanks again, all for your good advice. I’ll keep you posted.</p>
<p>I’m unclear why going back to his high school is not an option. You are simply moving up the date he would be leaving your home by about, what, six months? </p>
<p>Goodness knows I deal with a lot of guilt but at it’s root, guilt is selfish. It doesn’t get things done and it does not lead to good future decisions. Just kick it to the curb.</p>
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<p>He’s still your child. You followed his lead on letting him move his senior year, ignoring your adult perspective that this would be terribly difficult. You are worried about his lack of friends and withdrawl from his family. Why would you ignore your inner voice again?</p>
<p>You seem to have pinned your hopes on him getting involved in another school activity. It’s February of his senior year. That’s not going to happen. He’s not going to suddenly find his place at this school. Time for a new plan.</p>
<p>Going back to his old school is not an option because of the country we were in - visa support is a lengthy complex process. If we were able to somehow procure a visa, it would be well after graduation before he was allowed back in the country.</p>
<p>Stupidly, I don’t think any of us thought it would be this bad. He’s always made friends so easily and never had trouble fitting in. We knew it was going to be challenging, but we, perhaps naively, did not expect it to be so hard. </p>
<p>I’m trying to deal with the reality that we’re here - and trying to find ways to help him. Some of you have suggested seeing a doctor or therapist - I think that is key - and I’m working to find the best way to approach that with him.</p>
<p>oddbood, in these terrible economic times there are surely many more families that find themselves in your situation. You made the decision that was best for your family at the time, not knowing exactly how the future would play out. That is the best you could have done.</p>
<p>My son goes to a smaller high school and had a constant large group of friends and he was gone all the time with all of their activities. Then, summer after sophomore year, he just quit wanting to see anyone. I didn’t push him on it. I think he and I like to process situations, particularly before talking it to death. He seemed also a little irritable and I didn’t enjoy stirring up that pot.</p>
<p>After a few months into his junior year he started going out again, and several months after that has completely reinvented his friend group. They are the best the school has to offer and they are really his good, and I think, lasting friends. It turns out the original friend group strted geting into drinking alcohol, and he did not want to go down that path (good for him). He also did not want to get his big, bad mama on the trail of his former friends, so not a lot of details were forthcoming until much, much later. Sometimes they want to be able to handle the problem themselves and think they really can. Sometimes yes, other times, no.</p>
<p>It is horribly difficult to stand by and watch your child struggle and not know what to do to help. Do they want silence? Are they dying for you to make them talk about it? Maybe he is just biding his time until college, knowing that even if he made friends with these kids, they mostly be going their own ways soon enough. Hardly makes a person want to invest a lot of themself.</p>
<p>You know this is a growth experience that he will ulimately be better for having experienced, even if its not obvious for a good long while. Maybe he does need to talk to someone, maybe you could start at his guidance counselor. The only thing I can offer is that Catholic Charities offers counseling, which I’ve heard good things about. Maybe he just needs someone he can talk to that wont be hurt or worried by his true feelings like a mom or a dad would. Does taht make sense? Mabye a planned trip for sometime out in the future (summer) with the old gang would be something to hang onto for him.</p>
<p>Your son, you and your family have my best wishes <3</p>