Desperately in seek of feedback for Common App. essay

<p>I’ve had this essay written for a long time. I was very satisfied with it ever since. Someone asked to read it, and I agreed, and the response wasn’t really what I expected. I tried to fix it, and I have to be done with this essay very soon. I just don’t know what to do, really, and I figure since Dartmouth, Swarthmore and Harvard are the only schools that will be seeing the essay, there’s no better board to ask than D. Feedback thus far has been very conflicting, and I just need to see whether those who praised it just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. PLEASE be entirely honest.</p>

<p>“Hello, and welcome to WBLT TV, Baltimore’s leading news source. I’m Lee Freeman, Tammy’s off tonight. Our top story this evening is, yes, it’s finally happened-- we’ve always joked about it, but today, July 28, 2004, storms tore through the Chesapeake Bay, separating the eastern peninsula of Maryland and Delaware from continental America. The peninsula, consisting mainly of struggling farming communities, was quickly evacuated.”</p>

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<pre><code>"Hello, and welcome to WBLT TV, Baltimore’s leading news source. I’m Lee Freeman III, Tammy’s off tonight. 75 years ago, folks, my grandfather brought you shocking news that eastern Maryland had broken away; the island drifted to and has been lost in the arctic ever since. Incredibly, the island reappeared today, but the arctic climate has devastated areas not sheltered by trees. Shockingly few areas were not cornfield; the only southern land intact is a small forest, in which investigators found a trailer home belonging to “The Martins,” as the mailbox read. The house was emptied before evacuation-- except for one bedroom.

Investigators say the room is organized but “busy.” The walls are covered with posters of a wide range of musical groups- everything from singer-songwriter Carly Simon to French “electronic” band Air to the legendary Velvet Underground; colored pencils and sheets of poster board stacked under the bed indicate that rather than buying these posters, the inhabitant drew them. Albums matching the posters were found near the bed.

A desk-- the only furniture in the room except the bed-- contains the most detailed information about the inhabitant’s life; college applications and rough drafts of play scripts are piled on top. The most complete play is about two Parisians who wake up baffled in Amsterdam. Several scripts concentrate on the search for self-identity; researchers suggest this could be a result of the author’s homosexuality, of which only one person was aware. The rest of his work portrayed the author as a warm, open-minded person whose greatest desire was to promote inclusion and tolerance in society. In the first drawer of the desk, employee payslips from a three year span identify the inhabitant as Bobby Ray Martin, a male 17 years old when the house was abandoned. Working long hours seemed to pay off, as bank statements in the second drawer indicate Bobby saved enough money to purchase his own vehicle. The third drawer contains several photo albums and a camera. The photographs are “cityscapes” taken by Bobby. A stack of books-- mostly plays by Thornton Wilder and Tennessee Williams, and poetry by Walt Whitman-- as well as videos of Bobby acting on stage as Petruchio in The Taming of the Shrew and as Sherlock Holmes in The Hound of the Baskervilles, are part of the organized clutter on top of the desk.

Eastern Maryland historians, however, are disappointed with the findings, saying that while they’re sure Bobby was proud to be from the area, and proud to know the value of courtesy ingrained in country living, his interests did not reflect those of the average peninsula citizen.

Now, tomorrow’s weather."
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<p>Edit: Obviously, I said to which schools I may send this essay, so stealing it and using it for the same schools would be the most senseless thing ever. Please refrain.</p>

<p>Great idea and great story but what does the essay say about you? What does it say about your interests?</p>

<p>dude are u serious… no offense but that is like a really bad essay… i mean … i dont even know wat to say about it hahahah… maybe u were goin for like the creative scrambled approach but i dont know it seems pretty amateur and it doesnt really approach any of teh topics or say anything really about urself</p>

<p>tennis is correct – it would be a great article to submit to a mag for creative writing, but it says nothing about you and what you bring to the educational experience, except creative writing…</p>

<p>i’d start from scratch if I was you…</p>

<p>People here are being to harsh. It’s a good essay. It does say a lot about your interests. However, it’s hard to get across your personality and passion in the distant third person tone. </p>

<p>I think you could send it in though. Don’t change it merely because everyone here is telling you to do so. It’s very original and admissions officers will be impressed by your creativity.</p>

<p>Thanks for the kind words lindsey, but I do agree the point of view is too distant. Fortunately, when I calmed down and went to bed last night (after “desperately” seeking essay help) I thought of a topic that could be much better. Funny how that happens with two weeks to spare when I’ve been thinking about it for around four months.</p>

<p>I think what happened here is that, despite my best efforts to not crack at least once during this admissions process, I did. I’m alright now, though, don’t worry. ;)</p>

<p>Willy,</p>

<p>I would suggest asking for feedback on the parents forum. They will be very receptive in helping you</p>

<p>Lindsey: not all adcoms would appreciate the creativity – the ones that would appreciate it are likely at creative-type schools. It would not work for MIT.</p>

<p>Adcoms also don’t want to fall asleep reading the same essay they’ve read hundreds and hundreds of times allll over again. A touch of creativity is a good thing. A great thing if it detours the author from writing a trite essay.</p>

<p>I really like the idea but agree with the other people who suggested that it doesnt reveal enough about you.</p>