<p>“we are paying for everything”–if you have enough money for that, you’re really being petty… if you don’t have enough money for that, scale back your own wedding.</p>
<p>^^Or is “we are paying for everything” the fact that your own family is paying for much of your upcoming wedding, perhaps with contributions from you as a couple?</p>
<p>Everything you’ve said about this wedding of your fiance’s friend has been about the costs. You don’t want to pay for your hotel and meals; it’s “only” a cocktail reception not a sit-down dinner up there in Bar Harbor. </p>
<p>Everything you said you have to do – pay for travel, hotel, meals – is what
friends and family do when they decide to travel out-of-town to the wedding of a friend or relative who lives outside of driving distance.</p>
<p>It’s wedding season and these two guys are each others’ best men. Do you dislike the guy getting married for some reason? </p>
<p>I see 3 choices for you: Share the ride with friends and see a beautiful corner of the country for a weekend. Or borrow some money off of your own upscale wedding to support a friend with more modest opportunities. Or stay home but let your fiance go.</p>
<p>How about invading the wedding budget for your wedding enough to afford a shared car trip for 15 hours and two hotel nights. I bet there’s skimmable money from your own event. </p>
<p>Or, assume with such a big wedding as you’ll be having, that you and your fiance will get lots of money gifts. It will repay or offset what it will cost you to attend their wedding in 3 weeks. </p>
<p>I also get the feeling you’re not used to travelling out of your area, but this is a sophisticated thing to do, worthy of college age…if you choose to go.</p>
<p>I wanted to get married in Hawaii 20 years ago, mostly because I hate all the hoopla and traditions surrounding wedding receptions. My mother boo-hooed and talked me out of it. I was miserable at my wedding and regretted not doing it my way ever since.</p>
<p>We have flown to weddings in Texas and California, and driven 12 hours for others. These days, people are so spread out, travel and hotel expenses are the norm. You should have been told up front about the travel and costs when you were asked to be in it. I agree that you have the right to be a bit miffed, but at this point there isn’t much to do but make the best of it. Go and enjoy yourselves.</p>
<p>I live in Maine.</p>
<p>Re post #11, it usually takes at least 3 1/2 hours to drive from Portland airport to Mt Desert (the island where Bar Harbor is), significantly longer if you take the scenic route along the coast during the summer. It is, however, considerably closer to Bangor International Airport (50 miles, about an hour’s drive). I’d look into flights to Bangor, if I were you.</p>
<p>Mr Desert is a truly beautiful place. Most of the island is part of Acadia National Park. There are tons of great hikes (open summits overlooking the sea as a reward), camping, kayaking, sailing, biking, day trips to other islands: you name it. There are plenty of sightseeing destinations–ranging from great nature spots to luscious summer houses–that you can drive around and look at if you are less actively inclined. Lots of great places to paint, draw, or photograph if you enjoy that. Tea and popovers on the lawn surrounded by perennial gardens at the Jordan Pond House are a must. Sunrise/sunset on Cadillac Mountain. Bar Harbor is a very cute but touristy town with lots of shops. (There is one particularly great breakfast place that specializes in blueberry pancakes that I’m forgetting the name of, but you could find it when you’re there.) So there is really something for everyone. It’s a wonderful place to visit, especially in the summer. Speaking of the fact that it is the summer, have the bride and groom reserved a block of rooms somewhere, I hope? If not, you’d better get cracking on reservations. Don’t restrict yourself to the town of Bar Harbor: look at the entire island, plus Ellsworth.</p>
<p>In my experience, the vast majority of weddings require that one fly, stay in a hotel/motel, pay for meals, and often spring for special clothes also. At least this one is in a GREAT place, instead of someone’s ho-hum hometown. 
I’ve never been in a wedding where the cost of my hotel, clothes, hair, etc was paid by the B&G, unless you count sleeping on a friend’s couch.</p>
<p>I think there is a question of timing here.</p>
<p>The wedding is in two weeks? The time to demur would have been when you learned that the venue had changed from a convenient (to you) farmhouse to the distant locale of Bar Harbor.</p>
<p>It’s true that for many weddings, we guests have to travel, book and pay for a hotel etc., whether it’s a destination wedding or not. So that element does not necessarily increase the cost for a number of guests. It does have that effect for you and your fiance, so he/you could have declined at the time this came up.</p>
<p>It seems to me to be way too late now.</p>
<p>I’m unclear whether you are in the wedding party also. If not, probably the easiest way for you to save money is for only your fiance to go and see if he can share a room with a friend.</p>
<p>The nature of their reception is not a factor at all, imo. I always resent bridezillas who think that wedding guests should calculate the value of their wedding gift based on the “ticket price” of their costly receptions. I think guests who feel they should be spotted to a certain level of meal are equally off base.</p>
<p>If you go, try to set this aside and enjoy.</p>
<p>Gosh, after Consolations descriptions, I want to go. Can I go in your place? I promise I’m a great guest. If your fiance doesn’t mind an old married lady going as his date, it shouldn’t be a problem 
haha</p>
<p>okay so i am being petty. i will go with a smile on my face and have a great time. i was just curious about the proper etiquette for the circumstances.</p>
<p>so new etiquette question:
a month after the wedding, they are having a big bash at her parents farm in addition to the wedding. do we bring another gift to that. i don’t mind doing it, i just didn’t want it to look weird. should i bring a gift that compliments our original wedding gift (we bought the couple a bbq grill for their balcony). I thought maybe a gift certificate to omaha steaks or something like that.</p>
<p>i should note, growing up i had to go to etiquette/ballroom dancing lessons but they never covered destination weddings and all of their circumstances.</p>
<p>It is pretty standard strategy to have the wedding far enough away from where you live so that you can invite lots of people, yet be pretty certain that the only people who show up will be the ones who truly want to be there. </p>
<p>That is also why you go to Israel (or the Carribean) to have your mitzvah.</p>
<p>If you play your cards well, you can even manage to have people send you presents anyway.</p>
<p>I don’t know the etiquette, but I would think the one present is sufficient.</p>
<p>Have fun. Sounds beautiful!</p>
<p>I agree; one present per wedding (regardless of how many parties) and one present per “engagement/shower” (regardless of how many parties).</p>
<p>Yes, only one present.</p>
<p>One present. No doubt about it.</p>
<p>If you WANTED to bring a little something, just for fun, make it something special and small that goes with the grill like a jar or two of steak rub or BBQ sauce from some gourmet source like Penzey’s, American Spoon Foods, Stonewall Kitchens (they are in Maine, which makes it doubly thematic), or Williams Sonoma. But it certainly is not necessary!</p>