Destination Weddings

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Can someone explain to me the etiquette of destination weddings. My fiance and I have to go to one in a couple weeks that is on a Monday in Bar Harbor, Maine (about a 15 hour drive from where the couple lives/grew up). We have to go because the groom and my fiance are each other’s best men. </p>

<p>I find it extremely rude to expect people to travel and take off work to attend your wedding where staying at a hotel is a must. Additionally, they are having a cocktail reception because that is what they can afford. While I don’t mind havng a wedding that reflects affordability, I can’t help be put off by the fact that all of the bride and grooms friends have to drive fifteen hours (nearest airport is 5 hours from reception venue), stay in a hotel for at least two nights, and pay for all of our meals because the reception won’t include that.</p>

<p>Am I overreacting or being petty?</p>

2

<p>We had this problem three years ago when my nephew got married. For some reason, he and his fiancee thought everyone would jump at the chance to pay big bucks to spend the weekend in a Mexican resort. We were very upfront that we couldn’t be there and were very sorry (he is my dh’s godson). That opened the family floodgates and soon they realized no one was going. The aunts and uncles couldn’t swing it financially (it would have been thousands for our family of four), and the accommodations weren’t easy on the old folk.</p>

<p>They ended up getting married at a B&B not far from our house.</p>

<p>I don’t think you’re being petty. I think they are being pretty ego-centric. What really sealed the deal for my nephew is when some of their bridal party said they couldn’t swing the cost.</p>

3

<p>Well, I just read up on wedding etiquette since my S just got engaged. Regarding Destination Weddings, here’s the word from “Real Simple” magazine or whatever it’s called: When they asked you to be their honored members of the wedding party, at that time they should have given you the overall parameters that it would be a destination wedding, so you could agree or decline being “a member of the wedding” which has responsibilities, vs just be an invited guest.</p>

<p>Think back. If you knew it was a destination wedding, maybe you should have asked a few questions to get the time parameters before agreeing to be in the party.</p>

<p>Now you can decide to back out of being the best-whatever, if that’s necessary to keep your job together. </p>

<p>Re=read your OP – you say they expect you to pay for meals. Does that mean they’re covering your hotel costs? Acc. to Real Simple etiquette (modern in focus), they are being more than generous if they’re paying for your hotel accomodation. Word on destination wedding etiquette is that every traveller pays for his own flight and hotel arrangements, and all food until the wedding receptions actually begin.</p>

<p>YOu have to choose now. Your fiance could either continue to serve as best man or wiggle out and let someone else take the job full-heartedly. You’re the fiance of the best man. Maybe you could fly in yourself, right before the wedding, and let him keep his promise to his friend-- if he can. That’s what I’d try to do, if I were you. Don’t interfere between your fiance and his best friend, especially if the wedding is soon.</p>

4

<p>Destination weddings are all about the couple being wed and the trappings, not about being gracious hosts to people by whom the couple wants to be surrounded when taking vows. </p>

<p>That probably comes across as sounding as though I’m not a fan of destination weddings. Good! I’m not!</p>

5

<p>

</p>

<p>Nobody “has to” attend a wedding unless they’ve agreed to be a best man, maid of honor, or bridesmaid or groomsman.</p>

<p>You have no idea what Bar Harbor, Maine represents to that man’s family. It could be a place where he gathered with his grandparents long ago, or there may be a property where they can hold the wedding. Perhaps there are elderly relatives for whom Bar Harbor is more accessible, an origin point of their family in a prior generation. Wedding is for family; friends help but frankly are not the center of the universe. </p>

<p>Yes, I think you should lighten up. Are you “overreacting and being petty?” IMHO, you are.</p>

<p>Put your fiance in complete charge of his own choices, especially since the two men are serving as mutual best men to each others’ weddings. If necessary, you stay home the entire time…but don’t limit what your fiance does to help his best friend get married.</p>

<p>If the hotel costs are oppressive, maybe another friend-couple would split a room with you and there’d be two double beds. Make picnic lunches all week. Compromise. Help the couple have the best possible time, witness their vows, or just don’t attend. But let your fiance go to it for the whole week, if necessary, if his regular job will free him for it. This is where being separate people works in a positive way.</p>

6

<p>Destination weddings are big in japan precisely because they reduce costs. The bridal party (not sure whether it’s the groom’s or bride’s family) pays for all the guests’ airfare, accommodations, etc… for a very limited number of guests. It actually cuts down on expenses and avoids hurt feelings as it eliminates the need to invite the whole company, hordes of neighbors, relatives, etc…
Hawaii is a favorite place for such weddings. I was at a meeting in one of Honolulu’s top hotels once. And outside our window, one wedding party after another paraded by.</p>

7

<p>The most poignant wedding I ever went to was a destination wedding in Jamaica. Only the bride’s and groom’s closest family and dearest friends went along, so there were probably sixteen people, tops, at the wedding. The bride’s mother had just passed away from leukemia the year before, and the groom had gone before her passing to ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage… It was beautiful, it was relaxing, it was small and intimate. Many tears, lots of laughter. I know it would’ve been a very stressful time for the bride if she’d gotten married at home… Too much emotion attached. Best to just find a peaceful place to get married.</p>

<p>If you don’t like it, then just don’t go. Anybody who wants to have a destination wedding wants to keep their wedding small, but they’re giving you the option of going. It’s just like anybody who invites their friends from out of town to their wedding, but they’re giving you the opportunity to go on a vacation, too. Sounds great to me. I’d rather fly to Jamaica to go to a friend’s wedding than fly to Peoria. I’ve done both. I had to stay in a hotel each time. It cost roughly the same, and honestly, I had a much richer experience going to Jamaica.</p>

<p>Weddings are optional. There were plenty of my husband’s close family members who wouldn’t come down from Wisconsin to our wedding in my hometown of Dallas. We did not feel slighted. We had a barbecue in Milwaukee a few months before, and showed off our engagement photos and the ring and told about the plans for the wedding. Next Christmas we’ll bring wedding photos and share them with the family.</p>

<p>You don’t have to go to the wedding if you don’t want to, but if they want to get married in a beachside ceremony and they invite you to join in if you have the time and resources, I think it’s a little sad to say that weddings should be less what the bride and groom want, and more what’s most convenient for the guests. Sure, the couple should help their guests out wherever they can, that’s the nice thing to do (I mailed out folders with information and booklets on Dallas, and booked room blocks, and made a list and reviews of my favorite restaurants)… but none of the guests HAVE to show up. You need witnesses, the couple, and an officiant. That’s it.</p>

8

<p>I actually don’t see this as a typical destination wedding. Those we know who have chosen a destination wedding have chosen a Caribbean island, Mexico, and Cuba. Typically, only the closest of friends and family are invited. It is then up to those friends and family to determine whether or not they can afford to attend. All of those then had a party upon returning home for their larger circle of family and friends.</p>

<p>The issue can arise at any wedding as to whether or not invited guests want to spend the money to attend. One of my Ds attended a wedding last year of a longtime friend. She and her boyfriend (both are students) paid for flights, hotel, rental car, meals, in addition to a wedding gift, because this was a friend she had known since she was 10 and she wanted to be there to celebrate with her friend. She had never met the groom prior to the wedding.
Another of my Ds is getting married this summer and there are guests coming from long distances, both flying and driving, simply because they live in other cities, states, and countries. :slight_smile: For our family members, we are paying for their hotel costs. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>So no out of town guests should ever be invited to a wedding? Of the many weddings I’ve attended over the years, I’ve never been to one where there have been no out of town guests. Each couple has many decisions to make when they plan their wedding. Ultimately, they should make the choices which are right for them, and then the individuals who are invited to be in the wedding party, as well as the invited guests, have to decide if they are able to swing it. Many families pay some of the costs for the wedding party. We are paying for the girls’ dresses, shoes, and hair appointment as my D’s gift to them. All of them live in our city so accomodation isn’t an issue. </p>

<p>Everyone has the option not to attend a wedding. I also agree that you are “overreacting and being petty”.</p>

9

<p>If you can’t go cheerfully, don’t go. Your fiance can go alone.</p>

<p>Did your fiance know where the wedding was when he agreed to go? If yes, then it’s important to him to be there. That leaves you with two choices: stay home and don’t witch about it; go with him and don’t witch about it. Going and witching is not an option.</p>

<p>(My husband and I were invited to a close business associate’s wedding–in his hometown, in Italy. Quite a hike from Seattle. We were thrilled to be invited.)</p>

10

<p>I guess we had a destination wedding–Seattle>Las Vegas. We only invited close family and friends (some from NJ/NY) and there was no formal wedding party (best man etc) as such. But we did treat everyone to a fine dinner at the Bellagio with Freed’s wedding cake and drinks after in our suite. I did not sense any complaints and everyone we asked came. We also requested no gifts as their presence was all we wanted. It was great.</p>

11

<p>Bar Harbor is a beautiful little town with lots of B&B’s - that takes care of your breakfasts. It has a lot of other types and prices of accommodations as well. And in the summer, it’s glorious. (Perhaps they chose a Monday because it’s a lot cheaper and easier than finding accommodations for the weekend in Bar Harbor?)</p>

<p>It’s also 3 hours (not 5) from Portland’s airport, and there is a local airport in Bar Harbor, too.</p>

<p>That being said, I don’t think you’re being “petty” but you are being childish in expecting them to change their plans for you. If you don’t want to spend the money, then don’t go. Let your fiance go alone, and explain to the couple that you can only afford one airfare (or whatever). No one wants someone at their wedding who is going to resent being there.</p>

12

<p>I never thought about having a destination wedding- it would be one way to weed out your guest list!
However, I would agree that attending/participating in a wedding is a choice.
For someone whose friends and family can generally afford to attend events like this, then it sounds great. :slight_smile:
I don’t think that you are obligated to attend, just because your fiance will be in the wedding and that the groom will participate in yours.
However, I am assuming that it is important to your boyfriend to participate in the wedding otherwise he wouldn’t have accepted right?
If it was up to me, and I could stand the friend & get off work, I would go, and have a good time. But if not, just bow out politely ASAP.</p>

13

<p>To the OP: I would look this trip as an opportunity to become closer to your fiance’s best friends and also to have a beautiful trip to a part of the country that I, personally, would LOVE to have the opportunity and a reason to visit. You have been asked to share in a special time, and that is indeed a precious opportunity.</p>

<p>If you can’t approach it with that attitude, you will be doing yourself, your fiance and certainly the bride and groom a favor by not going.</p>

14

<p>My oldest son and his fiance are having a destination wedding. They only are asking the closest of family and friends to attend, and whether or not many attend is totally up to them.</p>

<p>They have chosen a place where they travel together - a cheap beach spot that they love (son’s a surfer) with a beautiful historic Catholic Church. The rates are cheap to get there and the hotels are cheap, so the event will cost much less to her family than holding a traditional wedding in her home town.</p>

<p>She is from Florida, he is from Texas. After the actual wedding, we plan to have a “reception” in our home town where we will invite our family and friends so that they can celebrate with us. We certainly don’t expect them to travel to the wedding!!! Many probably wouldn’t if it had been held in Florida either.</p>

<p>This seemed the best way to celebrate their marriage in the most meaningful way to them. I think it’s great!</p>

15

<p>The last two times I took my kids to the post office to get passports there were several people waiting in line to get passports to go to destination weddings. This was right about the time you started needing one to go to Mexico.
I have several friends whose children have chosen this option. It does cut down of guests. Plus often now both people are from different parts of the country anyway and a destination wedding is sometimes a meet in the middle solution.</p>

16

<p>

</p>

<p>Exactly;) Plus, it will be a very intimate and meaningful event for those of us (the few of us) who make the trip. I’m looking forward to it!!</p>

17

<p>Plus, as a recent bride, let me just add that doing the “big-wedding-in-hometown” thing nearly killed me. It wasn’t a particularly complicated wedding, but I was determined to 1) be an incredible hostess (nearly half of my guests were going to be in from out-of-town), 2) to not be a bridezilla or get too stressed out, and 3) to have fun at my own wedding.</p>

<p>I was spontaneously complimented by several of my friends at how amazingly low-keyed I was about the wedding (best thing we ever did: picked a Monet Waterlilies painting and just roughly matched colors to it. Completely eliminated any freaking out about “the wrong color blue,” and it all was just lovely), so point two was half-accomplished. Ours was, without a doubt, the most fabulous, music- and joy-filled wedding that I’ve ever been to (open bar, spectacular live band thanks to some amazing jazz musician connections we have, and Lego party favors blended to create an amazing carefree atmosphere), so point three was accomplished. There were brunches and the aforementioned sendouts to all out-of-town guests, and our one priority was to go around to each table during the reception and actually CONVERSE with all our guests. Everyone seemed very, very happy, and there’s nothing in the feedback I’ve received to indicate that I failed with point number 1.</p>

<p>I never, ever want to plan another wedding. Planning that was one of the most exhausting things I’ve ever done. Towards the end there, a destination wedding sounded amazing, and DH and I were kicking ourselves that we hadn’t gone for it. Everyone was traveling anyhow, but they were traveling to Dallas (I love my hometown, but it certainly doesn’t hold a candle to a Mexican resort). Our guest list was 200, we invited 250, 180 showed up. Yield was lower than expected anyhow, we didn’t invite all our friends (we both have humongous families), and there are reasonably good friends of mine who still haven’t spoken to me because they weren’t invited and so-and-so was. If we’d had a destination wedding, we’d have just invited everyone and we would’ve had a really small wedding. Plus, our friends and loved ones would’ve gotten to hang out in a gorgeous area for part of our honeymoon with us. We went to Costa Rica, which was <em>amazing</em>, but after three solid weeks of interacting with an increasingly large number of family and friends, all that sudden solitude was a little jarring. It would’ve been so much fun to take our friends and family along through the rainforest to see capuchin monkeys with us!</p>

<p>There are advantages and disadvantages to both, but from what I’ve seen, destination weddings are less stress-filled, and are a lot less overtly-weddingish. Sounds like a much better way to start a marriage, surrounded by the few close family and friends who are willing to trek somewhere to celebrate with you, than screaming at a vendor about melting ice swans, or something…</p>

18

<p>Answering some questions:

  1. we did not know that it would be a destination wedding when we agreed to be in the wedding party. the original plan was to have the reception on her family’s farm</p>

<ol>
<li><p>we are paying for everything (attire, food, hotel, travel).</p></li>
<li><p>the couple admits that Bar Harbor has no significance to them or their families but they just thought it was a good idea.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>as of now, friends are thinking of flying to portland and renting a car. </p>

<p>I should note, that my wedding will be quite the opposite. big bash in our home city. we are paying for attendants hair, hotel, make up, dresses, tuxes, etc. so i may have a stilled view.</p>

19

<p>Well, first… It’s not customary to pay for your attendants’ hair, hotel, make up, dresses, or tuxes. That’s part of the gig that they agree to when they agree to be your attendants. I paid for my bridesmaids’ hair and custom-made silver jewelry, but they bought navy J Crew tea-length dresses they collectively chose online on sale, and did all their own travel arrangements. I also bought each of the girls a day at the spa, as an attendant gift, but your paying for your attendants’ dresses, makeup, hotel, tuxes, and hair is at your discretion, and you really shouldn’t expect the same in return when you stand up for someone else… Hopefully, whatever bride or groom you stand up for will be kind and won’t make you break the bank on whatever dress you need to procure for the wedding, but being a bridesmaid or groomsman is <em>optional</em>, and entails a certain series of commitments and expenses, including attire, food, hotel, and travel.</p>

<p>It’s kind of irritating that you weren’t aware of how far you’d need to travel to be in the wedding party, but I don’t think that what they’re asking is spectacularly unreasonable.</p>

20

<p>So, you’re both in the wedding party?</p>

<p>If you didn’t know it was a costly destination wedding when you agreed to be in it, then I don’t think it’s a problem to say Sorry, we can’t afford that. If your fiance still wants to be in the wedding, I wouldn’t stand in his way.</p>

<p>Like I said earlier, part of what ended the plans for a Mexico wedding for my nephew is that even his wedding party said it was too pricey for them. So they had to make a decision whether the beach wedding with about 10 people was more important than having one nearby that everyone could attend. They chose the nearby B&B.</p>

<p>I will say, you sound a bit petty when you compare what you’re doing with what they’re doing. One has nothing to do with the other.</p>