Destroy My Common App Essay Take Two

College Essays
1

<p>So I spent some time completely reworking my essay. My original is at <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/1418966-destroy-my-common-app-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/1418966-destroy-my-common-app-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;. It was garbage, but I think this one is slightly better. Still any constructive, or destructive, criticism is more than welcome.</p>

<pre><code>Every winter my driveway becomes an obstacle course that terrorizes any car with the foolish nerve to attempt it. In summer the mountain climb causes enough trouble, with small gullies attempting to destroy car suspensions, but in winter a long sheet of winding ice decides that cars are no longer allowed. It laughs at the idea of traction. Every winter I am forced to walk the blistering mile with simplified crampons, often falling and ripping my hand on the audacious rocks that poke through the thick layer of ice. Ultimately the hike leads to an oversized log cabin surrounded on all sides by at least a mile of forest. The house stands perpetually unfinished, with a new project around every corner. Half of a garden stands next to a deck waiting to be stained. I often wonder what masochist lives here, constantly avoiding settling into the house that has been in progress since 1977. Only a madman would live in isolation, in a house so far removed that even the fire department cannot reach it.
This madman is my father. His life has been a rejection of average. He spent his twenties hitchhiking from forest to forest, finding nature wherever he could. He was one of the first one hundred people to walk the entirety of the Appalachian Trail, and he hiked from Mexico to Canada on the Pacific Crest trail; all without any income. When he settled down he chose the most remote area, and despite all the trouble and hardship it has caused, he has never regretted it. He has chosen what he believes in over what is known. He has memories that could only be learned by forgetting what is socially expected.
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<p>I admire his choices, but what I have really learned from him is that a life spent chasing passions is a life well spent. He does not have a college degree and he has never been a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but his life satisfies him because he knows that he followed his passions. His memories of falling through the snow in the Sierra Nevada’s will always mean more to him than a degree ever could.
I do not wish to relive his life, but I cannot say that he has not influenced me. His passion is nature, mine is creating, from trebuchets to backyard KClO3 (with proper precautions). Just as he surrounds himself with forests, I will surround myself with laboratories and workshops. He jumps into things without worrying how others judge him. I take every chance I get to make public speeches because they make me uncomfortable, and just as my father’s life would predict, I am behind a podium in several of my favorite memories. Just as he has surrounded himself with forests, I will surround myself with laboratories. Now I am at the point where I can choose to stay close to home and have the comfort of the familiar, or I can go far away and experience new parts of the world, far away from icy driveways.</p>

2

<p>This is pretty hard to read because you don’t put in paragraph breaks. Hopefully, you have them in the actual essay. You have some issues with punctuation and word choice. The first sentence is structurally weak, and odd structure appears throughout the essay. </p>

<p>While I enjoy parts of it, I think that the line “I cannot say that he has not influenced me” takes you to the heart of the problem here - there isn’t enough “you” in the essay.</p>

<p>Look at it again in a day or two, and I think the problems will jump out at you.</p>

3

<p>“Every winter my driveway becomes an obstacle course that terrorizes any car with the foolish nerve to attempt it. In summer the mountain climb causes enough trouble, with small gullies attempting to destroy car suspensions, but in winter a long sheet of winding ice decides that cars are no longer allowed. It laughs at the idea of traction”. The syntax in your opening is a bit awkward, in my opinion. You begin with talking about winter, then summer, and then back to winter. You should keep the structure parallel, and write about winter first or summer, and take it from there. Also, try to add more about you in the essay. There seems to be a lot about your father. What do you specifically want to do? You weren’t particularly clear on that subject. I do like your word choice in the essay though. Good luck! :)</p>