Developing Life Skills - Help on

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Thanks for any help you can provide on this. I will try and keep this post brief but clear.</p>

<p>The issue is how to motivate my DS (a junior in a top-20 private school) to develop “life skills.” DS is a good student (B+/A- average in a college known for tough grading) and has taken classes that give him technical (and marketable) skills. He is involved in physical activities (e.g., intra-mural) and has a healthy interest in other activities (e.g., video games, cards). He is an intelligent boy who can wax eloquent on multiple topics, if he so chooses. So, what is the problem?</p>

<p>The issue is that DS is lacking in what I term “life skills.” He is extraordinarily averse to planning ahead, preferring to react to things as they arise. We have funded him thus far, perhaps creating his entitlement mentality. He made perfunctory attempts to obtain an internship, which predictably went nowhere. He also has demonstrated a deep dislike for seeking and getting help/advice from anyone (teachers / coaches / family etc). He has a small social circle and few close friends. He is, in some way, content with whatever comes his way, and seems to lack “drive” (for lack of a better word) on multiple fronts, social and career. For example, he dresses poorly and, while clean to a fault, does not much spend much time on personal grooming. Similarly, he was quite content with whatever roommate was assigned, preferring not to invest the time to find a friend willing to share a room. Candidly, we are worried that he will finish school without options in terms of a job or grad school, mostly because he would not have planned for life beyond college and our input seems to be no longer welcome (he will listen but not participate nor take any action). Both my spouse and I are deeply concerned that, while intellectually at the top end, he is at the bottom end in terms of life skills.</p>

<p>So, what can / should we do? I see the following as choices:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Do nothing, hoping that he has the basics down and when push comes to shove, he will deliver.</p></li>
<li><p>Give him a clear indication that the spigot will be shut in 12 months, and that he is on his own from then on. </p></li>
<li><p>We have always talked about his funding 25% of his education via loans / work-study etc. To date, his contribution has been minimal. We can therefore take a hard line on funding now itself in the hope that talking to banks etc inject some reality into his thinking.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Realistically, it seems foolish to pull the plug now, when he is almost done. (And he is smart enough to have figured that out.) He also is stubborn enough to test whether we have the gumption to execute option 2 or 3.</p>

<p>Thoughts? Comments? (I know that this does not seem like a huge problem but its been driving me nuts to see such potential going waste. And, we do not know where to turn for help.) Much obliged for any insights you can provide.</p>

2

<p>I must be missing something. Do you mean to say that he’s supposed to be funding 25% of his degree, but you never held him to that?</p>

3

<p>Has he ever held a job, like over the summer or during HS? Nothing like a real get your hands dirty, punch in on time, do whatever you are asked of - job. I think so many kids miss out on the life skills from this, instead attending summer camps etc.
When he’s home make him get a real job to fulfill his end of your tuition agreement.</p>

4

<p>Your son can’t be that disorganized or lack of ambition if he is pulling down B/As in school. He is perfectly capable of doing what he needs to do. Some boys just don’t sweat over little crap - they don’t get dressed up (at least your son is clean), they don’t care about who they room with. Sometimes it’s better to be like that. My older daughter sweats over every little thing, and it drives me crazy too.</p>

<p>You may want to start by not giving him extra money, therefore forcing him to get a summer job and a part time job next year. Over the summer I would have a heart to heart talk with him about after graduation - how long you would allow him to stay at home, how much he would need to contribute. Put it all on the table now.</p>

5

<p>Unfortunately, I think you probably have created an entitlement mentality. I think you just need to be firm with him. Decide what you want to do, what’s best for him, and then adequately communicate that to him and follow through with it.</p>

<p>Are you planning on supporting him after he graduates? I would make it very clear just how much you are willing to help him, and then follow through on that. Specifics: you can live at home for xx months. You will do xxx while living at home, and/or pay $xxx in rent while living at home. My advice is to not make what he does once he is out of college more important to you than it is to him, if you know what I mean. I can’t really blame him for not contributing to his education if you never made it clear to him that he would really, really have to do so. </p>

<p>I don’t think it’s a big deal that he didn’t find someone to be a roommate; he was content to have a random roommate and I see that as being pretty flexible and a good thing. Having few friends also wouldn’t concern me. That’s just a personal preference. Sometimes we worry about our kids and every little thing just piles on, when in reality those little things, when taken by themselves, aren’t cause for concern.</p>

<p>It sounds to me that maybe he just has a different approach to life than you have, and he also most likely has some maturing to do (as most do at his age). But I don’t think he’s doing so bad. Lots of these life skills develop when a person has ultimate responsibility for themselves. Give him that chance and I think he will blossom!</p>

6

<p>He’ll grow up and mature…when he has to. As long he can make withdrawals from the Bank of Dad, I don’t know he’ll see a need to open an account at another bank.</p>

7

<p>Try the direct approach: We love you and will always be there for you. Our financial support will end 90 days after you graduate. This means that you will need to find a job, obtain health insurance if your job doesn’t provide it, find a cellphone plan that you can afford, and figure out a place to live. Please let us know how we can help you with any of these things and we’d be delighted to answer any questions, help you with research, provide basement/garage space to store your stuff while you’re in transition, etc.</p>

<p>And then be quiet. Why would he plan ahead since you guys seem so happy to pay his way? He’ll get moving once you make it clear that his phone, credit card, etc. will be terminated on August 15th or whatever day is the 91st day post commencement.</p>

8

<p>As I’ve said before, some of you parents are generous.</p>

<p>My parents paid 50% of college for 4 years which included books, tuition, and university rates for room and board. Nothing more. If I wanted an apartment in the summer, I could pay for it myself. Spending money was up to me. When I went a fifth year, I was on my own for tuition and room/board.</p>

9

<p>Focus on the immediate future - this summer. He needs a job. Stop worrying your head and put your foot down. Let him know what you will contribute to school for senior year - and it should not include the 25% he was supposed to pony up.</p>

<p>He needs to do some growing up and you have missed 20 years of letting him do so. You’ll be shocked at how he can change when he’s the CFO.</p>

<p>As for his lack of planning, you are comparing yourself as an adult to a 20 year old. His operating system is pretty standard for a lot of young people. So is his genial acceptance of life. All that can change as he matures, but you have to let him do so, and can start making sure he knows that your finances are something he should not be taking for granted.</p>

10

<p>*
You may want to start by not giving him extra money, therefore forcing him to get a summer job and a part time job next year. *</p>

<p>Exactly…and that would include no gas money, etc, for running around with friends. </p>

<p>And, when he’s home in the summer, is he expected to do any chores? I don’t mean just his laundry and cleaning his room, but does he have to clean his bathroom, help with any meal prep or clean up, taking out the trash, yard work, etc?</p>

11

<p>Since he’s pulling good grades at a tough school I’d generally go with option 1 - do nothing, but I’d also hold him to any agreements you’ve made. There’s really no reason for him to not dress whatever way he wants and it’s not unusual for college guys to not exactly be dressed really well. Of course, he’ll need to know to dress appropriately for interviews. He’ll learn eventually that he needs to take some initiative (and dress appropriately) if he wants extra money (assuming you don’t enable him to not pursue this), an internship, a job upon graduation, etc.</p>

12

<p>I’m sorry, but it doesn’t sound like your son’s situation is that bad. I mean, yes, it would be better if he learned it was OK to ask for help, but in time, he will. Having a small group of friends, not being particularly well groomed, and not a great planner, but really all in all, considering he gets good grades, that’s not a terrible combination nor is it really all that unusual. </p>

<p>Probably the best thing to do is just to make it clear to him that you expect him to find a job and support himself or else he needs to find a full time internship or some other opportunity (overseas study program, whatever). Be clear that he can’t move back into the house, and you can help him find an apartment but you’re not going to pay for it. Also tell him that you won’t be paying for his car insurance, his phone bill, any of those things. You can help out in the case of emergencies, but it’s time for him to step up. </p>

<p>If you haven’t had that conversation or if those expectations haven’t been clear from the beginning, you need to have them now. Sooner, rather than later. Then let him work it out for himself. Tell him you’re there if he needs you for advice or moral support, but he will work it out. </p>

<p>As for life skills, you accquire those by living. So far he hasn’t really had to live much on his own, and once he has to, he will accquire them.</p>

13

<p>Sounds like a typical 20ish male to me!</p>

<p>Some things that may make a difference:</p>

<p>You and spouse need to develop “age” issues. As in “Son, my back is killing me. Will you do dinner tonight while I lie down with the heating pad?” Then go away. It is important that you leave the room and go lie down and close the door. He’ll figure something out – and you will speak words of appreciation. </p>

<p>Don’t worry about the lack of drive. Establish an alternative that will make you very happy, as in “hey, if you don’t get a summer job, you could scrape and paint the house for us this summer! In fact, that’s the deal. No job, then plan to scrape and paint between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. for us. It will save us a ton of money!” Then let him choose – but you have to stick to your guns. He will test you on this and you must not budge. If your house doesn’t need painting, find some sweet little old couple whose house does. </p>

<p>Pray for a cute girl with very high standards to come into his life. In fact, if she shows up and is just cute, say “Dearie, you would have my highest esteem if you could get Junior to look professional.” Let that marinate awhile. What girl doesn’t want to be held in high esteem by her potential in-laws?</p>

<p>Lastly, don’t make big threats that you won’t follow through with. Make small threats and back them to the hilt. It is a variation of dog training and it works.</p>

14

<p>Establish an alternative that will make you very happy, as in “hey, if you don’t get a summer job, you could scrape and paint the house for us this summer! In fact, that’s the deal. No job, then plan to scrape and paint between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. for us. It will save us a ton of money!” Then let him choose – but you have to stick to your guns. He will test you on this and you must not budge.</p>

<p>Yes, but what if he says “no” to both? What will be the consequence?</p>

15

<p>

</p>

<p>I totally agree with this. This is the way I have always operated with my kids, and they know I will follow through.</p>

16

<p>The alternate is you could develop empty nest life plans. Write down your plans for the summer/fall/next year. Including how much you will be supporting him.</p>

<p>“This summer we will be going on a six week cruise. Can you watch the house? We will provide your housing and $xxx.” Any shortfall he will have to make up, as he can’t really reach you…If he doesn’t respond to your offer, pick another house sitter and change the locks. Tell him you understand he isn’t coming home. If he wants post cards he should send you his summer address.</p>

<p>“Next summer we will be attending your graduation, and then use that as a stepping off point for our trip…Your cousin Marta will be house sitting. If you need help moving to your new apartment after graduation just let us know by <date> so we can plan around it. By the way, we budgeted our expenses for the year to include this travel, your for the year will be xxx. It should cover everything…”</date></p>

<p>Or in other words, just because he doesn’t plan ahead doesn’t mean you can’t plan ahead. And if his non-plans collide with your plans, he’s out of luck.</p>

17

<p>Many thanks to all. I see a general consensus emerging that (a) the situation is not all that bad / unusual, (b) we contributed (!) more than we had thought to the issue, and (c) we need to take a firm (and implementable) stance that forces him to take charge of his life. </p>

<p>In regard to (3), we plan to have a heart-to-heart in which: (a) summer plans will be made explicit (he can get an unpaid internship even but no sitting at home, playing video games), (b) there will be a firm commitment to the $ amount that we will pay for year #4 (and it will be 75% of the cost), (c) a clear sense that “Bank of Dad” will cease operations on July 31 of next year.</p>

18

<p>It occurs to me that he may not know how to look for jobs usefully. A lot of college undergrads, even smart and mature ones, write <em>horrible</em> resumes and don’t know how many places they need to apply to or how to find good openings, or what to expect from an interview. And their sources of information end up being peers who don’t know any better than they do. In addition to some of the other strategies people have mentioned here, it might be worth it to give him a crash course in job-searching, look over his resume, etc.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I…am not so fond of this suggestion. Do you really want to make his girlfriend (or boyfriend, if he’s into guys) the on-site representation of his mother? To pressure her to nag? Do you think that’s going to be good for their relationship (which ought to be a relationship between peers and equals, not a faux-parental one)?</p>

19

<p>On getting the house painted, one states firmly that this is the deal. “You get a job or we find work here for you to do.” One savvy teen counselor I know says to put it in writing and post it on the fridge so there is no variation in memory as to what was agreed to (a standard situation when dealing with late teens. They hear things differently than what we said). </p>

<p>So, it is a choice. He can find a job. Or he can work for you. Pick one. But make it clear that you will cancel TV and internet services if there are problems with a consistent work effort. You can be pleasant. There is no need for shouting. But you can also be very, very firm. </p>

<p>I agree that colleges and high schools do not teach job hunting skills at all (ok, once in awhile there is a career center – but those tend to have very narrow focus. For instance, my college career center pushed biology majors toward pharmaceutical sales. If that wasn’t what you wanted to do, they had nothing for you.). </p>

<p>As to the cute girlfriend. . . all I can say is that I have seen it be a functional fix more than once. But let’s broaden the scope: I have also had my sons work very hard for OTHER people. It is a bit infuriating. They will clean bathrooms, sweep floors, carry goods, and basically work like Spartans on a mission when they are helping to open the Cub Scout camp (great director who lets the guys have lots of independance). But help me? Wow. It’s like I’m handing out a life sentance if I ask for the trash to go out. </p>

<p>But I do. And after some years of eye rolling and foot stomping, we are finally at the point where they are both philosophical and get through things rapidly so that they can get on with their own agendas (sleep, video games, going out). My stuff comes first and then they are at liberty.</p>

20

<p>*On getting the house painted, one states firmly that this is the deal. “You get a job or we find work here for you to do.” One savvy teen counselor I know says to put it in writing and post it on the fridge so there is no variation in memory as to what was agreed to (a standard situation when dealing with late teens. They hear things differently than what we said).</p>

<p>So, it is a choice. He can find a job. Or he can work for you. Pick one. But make it clear that you will cancel TV and internet services if there are problems with a consistent work effort. You can be pleasant. There is no need for shouting. But you can also be very, very firm.*</p>

<p>I totally agree with the statement…I’m just wondering about enforcement. A parent can tell an adult child to “pick one” - but that doesn’t mean that he’ll actually do it or do it well. The adult child may say, “I’m not picking one because I’m not doing one.” Or, to shut the parent up, he may say, “I pick ____”, but then never follow thru. Oly, you may have kids that would never dream of doing the above…but I know kids who’ve done just that. It’s not like the parent can put a (figuratively-speaking) gun to the kid’s head and make him do work. (If that were the case, all kids would study and do homework, too.)</p>

<p>There has to be some kind of enforcement. Such as - You must pick one and do it correctly - or no money for X, Y, Z. (and stick to it).</p>

<p>And…as for finding a job…I wouldn’t let him get away with just finding a job that only gives him 5-10 hours per week. If that’s the case, then home chores, too.</p>