So, I just met my roommate today, who moved directly from China. She has never been to the U.S. before. When I came into the dorm, her mom was busy setting things up, so I introduced myself to my roommate and headed out to get out of their way. The thing is, I read later that it is considered very rude in China not to greet the older person first. Also, she offered me a gift, which totally surprised me. I later found out that you’re supposed to accept the gift with both hands, wait until the person leaves to open it, and refuse it three times before taking it. I didn’t do any of those things.
What do you think? Did I embarrass her? Will she think I’m rude? Should I apologize? She’s a really sweet girl, and I was hoping to get off on the right foot. It’s got to be hard moving so far away from home, and I want to do everything I can to make her feel comfortable.
Relax. I lived in Asia for 5 years. The number of times i offended people there despite best intentions will fill up a book. Nothing bad happened. It all got sorted out. Just mention it nonchalantly in passing that you weren’t sure if you should have said anything and it will go away.
Well, you were in a dorm room at an American school, not a household in China - I think that your roommate and her parents will be a bit more understanding that the average American college kid may not be the most well versed when it comes to Chinese customs.
More to the point, while it’s nice to be aware of the customs of various cultures, there should be no expectation by any student or parent that those customs would be practiced in an American dorm room by an American student. I would not worry about it. Now had this occurred is a dorm or home in China, yes, it would have been considered rude.
Sounds like a good learning experience for your roommate. She is here and must learn American customs, not the other way around. If you go to China, it might be a good idea to brush up on Chinese customs before you go. In the mean time, you can help your roommate navigate this new experience.
I’d use this as an ice breaker. You could say, “I was just reading up on some Chinese customs, they sure our different, hope I haven’t offended you in anyway, I’d love to learn more about you customs so let me know if I ever do something that seems really weird to you. I’m happy to explain any American customs to you. Hey, do you know about Trick or Treating on Halloween?”
I went to an international boarding school in the 80’s and the very Christian Asian kids were really freaked out over Halloween!
Please don’t spend your entire year trying to live in accordance with every Chinese custom or tradition. She moved to America, and may or may not be traditional in all her ways, but she should be open to learning more about the American way of doing things while she is at college.
She gave you a gift, and as long as you can politely thank her for that gift, you should be okay. As you live with her and get to know her better, you will discover which parts of her chinese culture are very important to her. If you want to, you can support some of her ways of doing things that seem most crucial to her staying true to her culture.
Relax a bit, be open to sharing how things typically are done in America, and then treat her like any other new student that you meet.
When my DD2 moved to Hong Kong, she found that the best thing to do was to ask questions when she didn’t know the customs. I think this will be a great learning experience for both of you. Just keep the lines of communication open and ask if there is something you are wondering about. Encourage her to ask you about anything she doesn’t understand, and you will be fine!
What a thoughtful post, OP. Your roommate is lucky to have you…and don’t worry about having been disrespectful…you weren’t. You’ll both have fun learning the crazy customs that you each follow.
Many of my friends’ parents were Chinese immigrants, and in my experience, unless you’re Chinese and/or for some reason should be familiar with Chinese customs, they (at least the people I know) are pretty forgiving, unless you do something really and blatantly rude. Most people are very aware that their customs aren’t always the same as American customs. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Being culturally diverse is very important. I agree with the previous posters that you should just mention that you’ve read a bit about Chinese customs and the formality of situations like that, and that you hope that she hasn’t taken any offense by any of the different American customs. Obviously she’s going to have to adapt to American customs now that she’s here, and I’m sure both her and her mother are aware of this. As others have suggested, you should introduce her to some American customs as well. Go out for pizza and bowling or something like that.