<p>I have this nagging feeling that the example I set for my daughters has hurt them. I am a soft spoken shy person and am in a marriage where my husband is strong willed and loud. He has over powered me over the years but, lately, I have learned to speak up and things are better. </p>
<p>My daughters are both ones who “take stuff” from others and don’t tend to speak out when people are nasty to them. They take it because they “don’t want to get into a fight.”</p>
<p>I feel terrible that my actions around the house have negatively influenced them and I feel responsible. How can I teach them to stand up for themselves better even though they are in college and beyond?</p>
<p>It’s never too late. I’ve noticed my son tends to do this (I was this way but have been in counseling to change it for a while). What I do with him is give him examples of what to say when someone wants him to do things he doesn’t want to do (including asking for favors). I sort of rehearse it with him. I also talk to him about appropriate boundaries and how it’s okay if someone is mad at you. Doesn’t means they don’t like you, just that they are irritated with you for a bit.</p>
<p>My best advice is get yourself in with a counselor that teaches Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Once you have the skills you will be better able to coach your girls.</p>
<p>I’ve watched people use the principles in this book and change their lives. I’ve read it and 3 of my kids have read it. Youngest is too young, but he will have to read it before leaving home. Fabulous advice and fabulous life skills.</p>
<p>A few years ago, I was talking with one of my husband’s college classmates who happened to be an Army general. He gave me two perfectly wonderful ways to say no. The first, when someone asks you to do something: “I’d love to, but I just can’t.” And the second: “Oh, I wish you had asked me yesterday.”</p>
<p>Both of these responses work in multiple situations. They do not require further explanation, and they work surprisingly well.</p>
<p>questbest, it’s really okay that you are not perfect. Who is? I’ll bet your daughters observed a kind, giving, loving wife who learned how to speak up and yet still be gentle, still let her husband feel that he is the boss. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, that’s beautiful.</p>
<p>Remember the line in the Greek wedding movie? “The man is the head of the family, and the woman is the neck.” Love that line.</p>
<p>Actually, I’m thinking that bickering and fighting is overrated! Some of us would do well to just let our partners “vent” and not fight back. Once in a while I succeed in that.</p>
<p>Also just discovered this book:
Boundaries with kids : when to say yes, when to say no to help your children gain control of their lives, by Henry Cloud</p>
<p>Also consider that certain traits – like shyness, or boldness – can have a hereditary component. So it might not be anything you “did”; it might just be the way you and they “are.”</p>
<p>This is the one I’ve been teaching my son. No explanation needed…just say you can’t and leave it at that. People think they have to give an excuse and that leads to fibbing, which makes them uncomfortable, so they either do what is asked of them or they start avoiding situations where they might have to say no.</p>
<p>And if they ask why not…just say 'It’s complicated."</p>
<p>But I worry that they learned that you should not speak up when it will result in discord…because that is what I did when they were growing up. My husband has a loud mouth and a disrespectful way of expressing himself and I stayed quiet in order to avoid hearing his temper.</p>
<p>This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these clients fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Clients who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent. *</p>
<p>* Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced - usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. The two major forms of subjugation are: A. Subjugation of Needs: Suppression of one’s preferences, decisions, and desires. B. Subjugation of Emotions: Suppression of emotional expression, especially anger. Usually involves the perception that one’s own desires, opinions, and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently presents as excessive compliance, combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a build up of anger, manifested in maladaptive symptoms (e.g., passive-aggressive behavior, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, “acting out”, substance abuse). *</p>
<p>Your method was probably a lot better than being loud and disrespectful right back at him. What would they have learned then? You probably would have been divorced–custody battles, the whole bit. You suppose that’s better?</p>
<p>You sound like a kind, loving person. You don’t need to question what you can’t change now. The book suggestions above look great. Move forward, and speak honestly with your girls. They are lucky to have you as a mother. You have taught them a great deal about self-control, kindness, and a host of other positives. Best wishes to you.</p>
<p>I know several women who divorced overbearing, demanding, critical husbands once their children were grown. They are all intelligent, highly educated professionals. One said she just realized, driving in her car one day, that it would be relatively easy to eliminate all the stress in her life.</p>
<p>Its never too late, OP. Share passages from good books, edited examples from your life, and gems you’ve learned in trying to be assertive. Its nice to be humble, but a little aggressiveness/forwardness gets one the job, internship, etc. It is not unfeminine to speak openly about one’s wants.</p>
<p>Being too much a people pleaser allows others to “like” you but they have no realization that you may have gone out of your way to do their favor. As MDMom wrote, its OK to say something along the line of “Gee, I know I’ve done … for you many times before, but now I’m just too busy. I’m sure one of your other good friends can help you out.” There are MANY tactful ways to say “not again” or ‘no’.</p>
<p>There is a difference in being soft spoken vs a push over. My brother is a loud, over bearing person, and my SIL is always soft spoken, never heard her raise her voice at anyone, but SIL has a will of steel. We generally prefer SIL over my brother, but we know not to mess with SIL. She knows what she wants and she goes after it, in her own way.</p>
<p>D2 doesn’t like confrontation and she is very respectful of authorities. We have to push her to exert her rights.</p>
<p>I am as soft spoken as they come usually however I have learned not to be afraid to raise my voice and put someone in their place if they step out of line. I am NOT a push over. That’s just something I developed over the past through years through my job with people talking down on me. </p>
<p>I had to laugh a few months or so ago… I had a very pushy customer on the phone who ‘forced’ me to raise my voice at them. EVERYONE around me literally turned and laughed because I’m the one person you would not expect to hear raising her voice at anyone. I don’t even remember exactly what they were calling me about but they weren’t understanding and wouldn’t let me get a word in. they kept asking questions and cutting me off with a new question each time I tried to explain something. then they would yell at me for not answering their questions! They kept fighting every single word I said to them and were arguing each response I tried to give them. they’d fight the answer that i attempted to give them by stating i didn’t know what I was talking about. I was calm and pleasant as could be as they yelled over me. I finally raised my voice to match theirs said something along the lines of “if you knew the answer to your question then you wouldn’t have called me for help. i’ve been doing this for years and am 100 percent capable of helping you today. if you would just allow me to speak uninterrupted for the next few minutes i can take care of all of your questions and get you all squared away with what you need. If you can’t allow me time to answer your questions then I will have to ask you to to call back another time because we are just going in circles here and I have other customers waiting who actually want my help.” The customer actually apologized to me for being so rude and asked if we could start over. I remember laughing with them about it in the end as we took the time to fill out all their paperwork together over the phone. Some people just need that brief “no, you can not continue treating me like this” to get past that initial road block of communication. </p>
<p>I always work with my co-workers on how to keep control of conversations and keep them going in the correct direction. A lot of it is just having the right tone and having the confidence to be sure of what you are saying. If you don’t sound confident then people might doubt you. This applies to work and college. I wish I had this confidence back in school because there are quite a few things I would have said or done differently throughout the years.</p>
<p>I have found “that won’t work for me.” to work on occasion. I also like the “oh, if only you had asked me yesterday. sorry, I’m not able to help.”</p>
<p>I think the bigger issue for my daughters is when a friend is snotty or makes a hurtful comment. Instead of saying something to the friend they let it go so as not to start a fight. Then they tell me how nasty their friend was to them…</p>
<p>How should I respond to my daughters?
What advice can I give them?</p>
<p>The truth is that MOST people do not take well to being told that they have hurt you. They usually defend themselves and do not listen to anothers point of view. The loud obnoxious ones then try to overpower the “nice” ones in order to shut them up…and it works because the “nicer” ones don’t want to hear the disrespect!</p>
<p>Soooo…it really isn’t worth expressing yourself to most people because most people really don’t care that they hurt you.</p>
<p>First things first. If “friends” are being snotty and hurtful, don’t care if they hurt you and then are loud and obnoxious to shut you up, they are not “friends.” You can teach them a good lesson in choosing friends. Those they are afraid to talk to and stand up to are left behind. </p>
<p>I do believe you need to work with them on standing up for themselves. Life as a door mat is not a happy life and can lead to true abuse. </p>
<p>And in response to this -
</p>
<p>There are many things worse than divorce. Being afraid of someone who is supposed to love you, walking on eggshells, constantly backing down are all things I would find worse than divorce. Teaching my daughter that those things are normal and to be expected is another. If there is not a way to speak up for yourself without fear of a major battle, that is not a relationship I would want daughters or sons to model.</p>
<p>Some people (let’s call them bullies) make hurtful, snotty comments because they know they can get away with it, because they know that you will avoid confrontation. The problem with always avoiding conflict is that you tend to attract the kind of people who will exploit that. I’m not saying that it’s your fault that people are obnoxious, but that the particular meek quality brings out that bullying instinct in some people. You’d be surprised how quickly people will back down once they sense that you will truly not put up with abuse.</p>
<p>You say, “I’m really hurt that you made that comment because when you say that it makes me think you don’t respect me.”</p>
<p>If the person gets defensive or mean, just repeat yourself like a broken record…</p>
<p>“I understand that you are feeling defensive and I’m really hurt that you made that comment.”</p>
<p>If the person continues, you say, “I can tell you’re really upset right now but I won’t talk to you when you are speaking to me that way. I’m going to leave now. (Or hang up now.)”</p>
<p>What ever you do, don’t get into a debate with the person.</p>
<p>Questbest, I think you are asking the right questions. I’ve been where you are and know exactly what you’re talking about. Being non-assertive leads to all sorts of difficulties in life. You can be a soft-spoken, nice person and still be assertive when necessary. It’s okay to express your feelings in a respectful way. Stuffing your feelings is a very bad thing in most relationships.</p>
<p>BTW - this is a LOT easier to write about than to apply in person in the heat of the moment. It takes practice.</p>