@mom2and Each family has specific reasons for determining what is best for their family. Being a parent on what is now my third teenager I know that they have the tendency to make emotional decisions. In my opinion (which is all it is) is that 17 & 18 year olds need assistance and guidance in making such an important decision and and can benefit from the wisdom of their parents. Whether it’s finances, fit, location, curriculum, size all are valid reasons. DS09 had to choose between Johns Hopkins and Princeton. His choice was John’s Hopkins. It took a lot of discussion and reasoning with him to get him to take a deeper look, to explore and to attend admitted students weekend for both schools. He felt like he didn’t need to attend Princeton’s admitted students weekend because he wanted to attend JH. After further consideration he chose differently.
D19 picked the school that I was secretly hoping she didn’t get in. I didn’t push it but I was pleading a case for her to pick JHU instead of Berkeley (and If she liked CA so much then UCLA). Money wasn’t an issue, same pull pay either one, 300K for 4 years. I went to Cal and HATED it. So much that I swore ii would never send my kids there, even before I got married. I believe the kiddo would have a better support system at JHU being a private school with more resources.
Of course the final decision was hers. She assured me that Cal is the right school for her for many reasons - academic rigor, culture, sports, and weather. One semester in and she is thriving and happy. She made the right choice.
My daughter was a math major and got into Big State Us and also some privates like RPI and WPI…I told her to forget RPI/WPI as they were 20K more and were not going to provide 80K more value over 4 years…plus we were able to pay for college for her this way.
We all want our children to be happy. Thank you all for your responses. I’m not sure where DD20 will end up but It definitely makes me feel a little more at peace to know that other families have made these decisions when necessary, sometimes to the disappointment of their children but all worked out well and children adjusted well and were successful.
Yes, but DS knew that school would be off the table if he did not get a hoped-for scholarship (that had been slam-dunk stats based until that year) - he got accepted, w/o the scholarship. That was a bit of a blessing since it still would have been a financial stretch for us, and things turned out great via his ultimate path.
Check out this article: https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/12/college-dreams-say-no-avoid-student-debt.html
@bopper - Great article. Thank you for sharing.
Well, my D couldn’t get into Harvard, but I can tell you my nephew’s experience. He started at Cornell on a swim scholarship. He absolutely HATED it. Hated the weather, didn’t mesh with his classmates and left after his freshman year. Took a semester off and trained. Ultimately went back to school at Cal Poly. Absolutely LOVED it and thrived at the school. Made great friends, learned a ton, went to a fantastic school that’s still competitive but didn’t have as much of the cutthroat nature that his first school had.
Net-net, he’s now in vet school that’s ranked by US News and World Report as a top 10 vet school program (although sadly he didn’t get into Cal Davis which was his #1 choice).
I suppose the “moral” of the story is the most prestigious school doesn’t automatically equate to be the best school. If your kid falls in love with Harvard and you can pay for it without batting an eye then go for it. But if it doesn’t feel like a good match then by all means don’t force your kid to go and don’t feel guilty. Save up some of that money for grad school. The observation from my nephew is that the Ivy schools are a pressure cooker that might look great on paper, but terrible from an emotional POV.
@Sarrip You received many great responses here and the choice you consider ‘unpopular’ seems almost 100% popular among the above responders.
I’ll be the devil’s advocate.
First, we all agree that finances and fit are of paramount importance, and early discussion of financial constraints with the kid is a must.
That said, many middle class families (like mine) actually find the experience of a selective private to be worth the extra cost. And moreover, that extra cost is usually manageable after need- and merit-based aid are brought into the equation.
The biggest fallacy I see cited is that it costs $75K/yr to attend the ‘elite’ colleges. In my experience, only overseas applicants and 1 percenters pay the list price. The Ivies are meet-full-need and many of them meet need without incurring any debt. For all of my kids, the out-of-pocket (after aid) cost for all their T30-T60 schools (and even OOS publics) were remarkably similar, and affordable with some dip into savings.
I attended an Ivy and it was probably the most exhilarating experience of my life. Friends and knowledge and activities and connections from those years still power me today, 35+ years after graduation. I am eternally grateful to my parents for pushing me academically and then funding a dream education. I have tried to pass this on to my kids (none Ivy, but reasonably selective privates.)
You have to do what is best for your kid, within the parameters of affordability. Neither choice (more expensive elite or more affordable ‘safety’) is necessarily right or wrong on its face. Just decide within your own family’s parameters.
I don’t care whether the choice was “popular” or not, my kid decided according to cost and a top Ivy was the most affordable (great financial aid and no loans). If people are full pay, that means their income is over $150k which is a lot of money to me 
It was a great fit and experience. I honestly think too many people assume a school like Harvard is too expensive and guidance counselors often don’t understand their affordability for those with incomes under that level.
Very good article. Honestly, I cannot get over the laissez-faire attitude of some parents to saddle their kids with tens of thousands of student loan debt. When you’re 17 - 18 years old, I get it. The numbers may be big, but they don’t seem “real.” Parents however should know better.
Honestly, one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the chance for them to earn their college degree with no/minimal debt. If that means you need to aggressively steer your son/daughter towards a school that you can afford, then you should do that.
I work with some folks in their late 20s/early 30s that are still paying down their student loans. I don’t hear any of them saying, “I’m so glad I put myself into $50K+ in debt vs. going to in-state U, it was worth it!” Usually, quite to the contrary because they no realize that they’re not making oodles more $$$ by choosing one school over another.
I suppose there are two major factors that come into play…
- Fit- The stretch school may/may not be the best choice. Make your decision based upon multiple parameters, not just what's considered the hardest/most "elite" school.
- Cost- As many have pointed out, most don't pay the 'sticker price' of schools, especially private universities. That said, you're usually paying closer to full-price at your stretch school vs. another that more aggressively goes after you.
Best of luck to all…
@compmom I agree $150k is a lot…but in my area a family with more than 1 child, property taxes easily exceeding $10k/yr, $75k/year for college isn’t feasible.
Not my kid but a good friend’s was accepted to an Ivy. Maybe they are 1% but they don’t live like it. Nice house, nothing excessive though, drive “normal” cars - a mini-van and a small SUV. Both parents work full time so they are over $150k I’m sure. Not a dime from the Ivy. There kid opted for U Del honors with a scholarship and has loved her freshman year thus far.
My family member is now 30. Did the Ivy thing because she wouldn’t do the state flagship with a full ride. Now she constantly complains about the debt and is mad at her parents for not pushing the state school! Parenting is a thankless job! lol
@pickpocket - I hope this did not come across as an “Anti-Ivy” post. In using the term “unpopular” I meant in terms of what others, outsiders opinions may be of your choices. Initially, when people began asking me what schools DD20 was interested in, I would throw out some names and the impression I received was that with my daughter’s stats, she would be “slumming” it if she went to those schools. Little did they know that we are not and have never been “brand name” people but have always done what was best for our family and that there was a method to our choices. Though input can often be helpful I then made a decision to avoid these conversations and just discuss where she will be attending in May. On the flip side, DS09 did attend an IVY. It was less expensive for him to attend Princeton than it was for him to attend some of the other schools that he was accepted into. In addition, it was in state so we were able to subtract the health insurance and use our own. We also did not have expensive travel and hotel costs to consider only a 45 - 50 minute drive. We were able to manage our portion without loans. He graduated debt free.
@Damon389 - I think that it’s not the schools that are pressure cooker environments but when students are constantly watching the person next to and around them, competing and trying to out do each other. DD20 has always been the kid who would get her paper/tests back look it over it and put it away, never caring or discussing who got a higher grade. She detested when teachers would point her out as the person who received the highest grade etc., she just wanted to enjoy her grades on her own and share with the family. I always taught her that looking from side to side can be a distraction and to do your own personal best. DH on the other side is a little more competitive.
@damon389 - My coworker is in her 40’s and is paying interest only on her student loans. I really feel for her because it seems that she will be paying for her entire life.
@NJWrestlingmom - I have also heard that “Mom, I was only a kid, how did you let me make a decision like that?” When I let her get a piercing and she didn’t care for it properly and it got infected. LOL, They will definately call us out whether it’s our fault or not.
We are in the process of the “unpopular” decisions right now.
D20 is high stats and in the application process we eliminated many of her dream schools due to NPC results and the late realization that highly selective schools do not miraculously come up with merit aid and really just look at EFC and ours is too high to be affordable.
D was at first upset that we required certain very expensive schools to be taken off the list.
There were more than a few heated arguments between me and my H. He even suggested selling our house and/or draining a 401K and that if we have to work an extra 10 years that is okay too. None of those are okay decisions!
We had our budget early in the process but did not comprehend how the merit/FA system worked until entirely too late in the process. Because of this some dream schools stayed on the list much longer than they should have.
D is beginning to believe that going to a school with a full COA offer (plus a lot of extras like travel, etc.) may in fact be a great choice.
I look back at my own college choice 30 years ago … I had full COA offers at several flagship state schools in state and OOS … instead chose pricey LAC and followed with pricier private grad school. Because of choosing low paying non-profit positions for the first 15 years of my working life, I have another year before my student loans are paid off.
My parents were not honest with me about how much of a burden it was to pay for that undergrad choice. In stoic fashion they kept that to themselves while they took a 2nd mortgage on the house. Nor did I have any concept as to what starting adult life with debt actually meant. If they had been honest with me and told me what type of burden it would be or helped me understand what that debt would do to me long term, I likely would have made a different decision(s).
17/18 year olds are rarely capable of making these kinds of informed decisions. They cannot see well past 1 year, 4 years much less 10 years. Nor should we expect them to be able to. We must help our kids see both short term and long term. We must be honest with them about financial realities … as well as the reality that aside perhaps from the Ivies, where you go to undergrad is not as all-important as they think it is.
yes we are “high efc” but that is only on paper. Where they come up with these figures is beyond me. It seems the algorithm believes we have been earning this level for decades (not at all true) it seems this algorithm doesn’t believe that we could be still finishing digging out of the disaster of the recession (we are) or that we have significant elder care expenses for our parents (we do … and it seems colleges even with CSS do not take that into consideration)
@CrackintoPieces - I agree with you 100%. We are in the same position with EFC. It’s no way that we could pay that amount and still be able to maintain our home, car payments and necessary bills without taking out loans. That was a hard talk that I had to have with DD20 also. The only debt that we really have now is our cars and our home as well as some home repairs that of course happen when you least expect it. :neutral:
CC tends to skew more towards the prestige side than most people do. So this is not really a good place to go to find comfort in “you are not screwing up your kids life forever” by not sending them to the most tippy top school that accepts them (or would have accepted them). But outside CC, I see a lot of parents taking the so called “unpopular” approach. As costs continue to climb I expect that will continue and will become more common.
Kids that I know who took that approach are all doing well. Graduated on time (or some with a semester or two delay based on internships that led to good jobs). Working and doing well. Happy with entire lives ahead of them.
And the kids I know who went to top 20s are doing well too. They are happy with their choices as are their parents.
There are many paths to success. No one here (on an anonymous message board) knows your situation, your kid and their dreams/goals, etc. And you really don’t know theirs. And with kids, there are no test cases or control groups. Whatever course your kid takes, if it works out well there may well have been another choice on the table at the time that would have worked out better. And if it works out poorly, it may still have been better than every other choice on the table at the time. You make the best decision with the info/resources you have and move forward.
“My parents were not honest with me about how much of a burden it was to pay for that undergrad choice. In stoic fashion they kept that to themselves while they took a 2nd mortgage on the house” then 30(?) years later “we have significant elder care expenses for our parents”
These multi-generational impacts of high college debt are shocking, especially considering how much prices have increased over the last generation.
Just a quick reminder that those of us on here with HS graduates from ‘10 and earlier didn’t have NPCs available to consider… They are definitely a nice factor to work into the equation for many families.
Our S17 chose to only apply to safety schools even though we didn’t really look at that. His was truly on fit and his major. He wanted a school with a veterinary college, not east coast, west coast or in a huge city where he could get good merit. He made a list, we checked costs and he applied. He picked and has been very happy with top grades, no debt, balanced life and study abroad. He will be starting vet school in the fall so we feel that the safety was a great decision!