Different personalities is making me extremely depressed

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place for this, and I’m truly truly sorry to be using the Parent Cafe as a big, whiny personal help forum. The truth is that I have nowhere else to turn. Be warned, this is angsty, but depression doesn’t exactly bring out the best in people.</p>

<p>Skip this part if you want. I think it may be relevant, but it’s probably just a stupid rant.</p>

<p>I’ve always been a very shy, cerebral, introverted type who would be known for displaying erratic flashes of humor. Mostly, I was the taciturn nerd who few people talked to, but there was a consensus that I was “one of the funniest people in the school” because I could come up with some brilliant one-liners, crazy obsessions, or classwork-related satire that would fire everyone up. One of my carefully placed sentences could inspire amusement for days, but I was a complete dunce at everyday conversations, almost cripplingly so. I just took this all for granted, as is common with things that have recurred since early childhood. I didn’t really try to explain it. Perhaps my intelligence allowed me to concoct humor and likeability when premeditated, while my otherwise awkward nature prohibited me from participating in the mere basics of the social spectrum. Well at least, I told myself, people liked me in a cult-like fashion; I was definitely one of the most well-known, and even well-liked, people in my school. Imagine a quiet, unassuming, acquiescing kid who makes you laugh, severely, on occasions; yeah, a truly pleasant clown!</p>

<p>I could have easily carried on in ignorance, telling myself with barely conscious, fleeting thoughts that I just don’t have the talkative type of personality, I’m not a people person, normal interaction is dull and boring, etc, etc. Yet nothing throws a bone in a teenager’s neat, egotistical self-perception like falling in love. Now one long relationship later, one which forced me to acknowledge and face many of my avoidances, I’m much more self-aware.</p>

<p>Now let me get to the point.</p>

<p>Three forms of communication: instant messaging, phone, and direct (face-to-face). We’ll call the former “text”-based and the last two “voice”-based. Frankly and simply, I’m amazing when it comes to text and an invalid with my voice. This isn’t even akin to pulling off a planned spoof in class because instant messaging is in real-time, so basically one is transferring thoughts into text and one is transferring thoughts into speech.</p>

<p>I get engrossed in text conversations in ways that I never thought possible in voice interactions. I genuinely like making small talk online. I feel in control. I have things to say, relevant, original, and amazingly funny things; honestly, not to toot my horn but I’m sometimes shocked at how charming/witty I can be without even trying, and how, as someone who lets social situations “happen” to them, I’m able to lead and direct and mold the mood and themes of a text convo. With speech, I’m like a deer in the headlights; with text, I’m in my natural habitat. Speaking is exhausting, and it fizzles. I can converse with text for hours, and it’s energizing.</p>

<p>More importantly, the range of emotions and feelings available to me is astounding. I feel alive, like I’m actually human, when typing everything out. I can read feelings and sentiments more quickly based on the syntax and diction on a screen than with a real live human voice. I can convey more passion, more variety, and more authenticity by typing than by talking; what’s more, I can actually FEEL them. There’s something wrong here, I think.</p>

<p>Oh, and I’m not exactly the creative-writing sort who is absorbed in fantasy books all day and crafts different personas for fun. I don’t even like fiction. I have a steady, stable personality online. This is the real me. What a shame, no? I have friends who talk to me exclusively online, and I don’t blame them. I just want to know what exactly incapacitates me in the real world.</p>

<p>This isn’t a case of self-confidence because I sure pulled some risky gaffes in the classroom. And it’s not often that I’m too timid to say something. It’s more that nothing comes to me.</p>

<p>This isn’t a case of getting to know people better. I remember how I would strongly prefer IM’ing my girlfriend and emailing my mom rather than speaking to them.</p>

<p>The only thing I can think of is I have a difficult voice - low in tone, hard to differentiate sounds, often uncooperatively tongue-tied - and a few slight impediments like a lisp, but nothing major.</p>

<p>I do like people, I do crave social interaction, whether intimate or casual or brash, and I am now withering because the euphoria of establishing a genuine connection with another human being is slowly dying and I’m left here realizing that I’m nothing but a slave who can’t leave his text-inducing machine.</p>

2

<p>Perhaps seeing a speech therapist (speech pathologist) could make your speech more distinct, and you’d gain more confidence in speaking face to face. Both my husband saw a speech therapist to correct his lisp when he was a child. My younger S saw a speech therapist to help him speak more clearly. Both now speak clearly, and also do public speaking. Both remember their experiences with a speech therapist to be pleasant. They practiced exercises which actually were fun, and helped them speak more clearly. Both were able to see their speech therapists through their school systems, so also check into that possibility. It also may be covered by your insurance. Family doctor also may be able to make a referral. You also may wish to have your hearing checked as speech problems can be related to hearing problems. S had an asymtomatic ear infection that had left fluid in his ears. Once that cleared, his speech also improved, too.</p>

3

<p>Perhaps a few communications courses that include public speaking or joining a Toastmasters Club. After dealing with any physical problems of course.</p>

4

<p>You sound like my son’s twin- brilliant and quirky with exactly the same difficulties and strengths. He was diagnosed in 4th with Auditory processing disorder- which means his brain does not handle or process sound effectively[ there is nothing wrong with his hearing, in fact he has perfect pitch] . It’s harder to become good at conversations if what your brain hears is “off” .It may be that you are a strong visual learner, which it sounds like [ hence your preference for communication with others through your eyes than with your ears] because of APD. I would get your hearing tested by an audiologist who has experience with diagnosing APD, which is a learning disability, asap. You may also have some word or language retrieval issues- “With speech, I’m like a deer in the headlights” “I have a difficult voice - low in tone, hard to differentiate sounds, often uncooperatively tongue-tied” “I just want to know what exactly incapacitates me in the real world”, so being tested for other LD’s by someone with experience in identifying LDs in gifted students [ someone with a PHD] is something I would also recommend. There is a relatively hi rate [some say up to 25%] of learning disabilities in the gifted population[ such kids are often called “twice gifted”], so don’t be surprised if this turns out to be true for you as well. What you also do need to do is to continue to get out and talk to /with people, because if " you don’t use it you do lose it".</p>

5

<p>APD came up before in relation to difficulty paying attention to lectures in class. I got a Weschler test done - results pending - but I seem to have done fine on the sections featuring oral examinations. But I think, with everyday conversations, my problem isn’t so much on the receiving end as it is on the delivering side.</p>

<p>I will see a speech therapist soon for my lisp. I really can’t pronounce the “th” sound at all. My doctor said it may be because my first language was one that didn’t have that sound in its phonetic spread, so I just never learned it in a critical period or something. Don’t know what they can do about overall volume and intonation, though. But again, it seems more like a thought disorder than a speech one. Unless, of course, longterm speech deficiencies have hardwired an instinctive anxiety that prevents fluid thinking in vocal situations, or something intricate like that.</p>

<p>I may use Toastmasters or something similar as an ancillary. Right now I just want to know some basic things. I have long recognized that I have a flattened affect. But then, maybe even more troubling, I realized this loss of tone does not carry over to text. It’s almost a cliche of modern life that it should be the other way around. Irony.</p>

6

<p>“APD came up before in relation to difficulty paying attention to lectures in class.” Were you tested by an audiologist for ADP?
Not paying attention to verbal input is a classic marker of APD. You should not brush this off. I think you woud benefit from a full battery of tests -not just one IQ test, which is all that the Weschler is. But if your IQ test comes back and shows a 15pt or more discrepancy between your Performance IQ score and your Verbal IQ score, then that is considered a “red flag”, as it often indicates a learning disability. Other tests you should then ask for are the Woodcock Johnson III Test of Cognitive Ability and the Comprehensive Test of Spoken Language. </p>

<p>Processing speed discrepancies- how fast different parts of your brain operate-like how fast you make a decision or how fast you can think of a word [ which can be revealed by the Weschler test as well as other tests] can also explain why you have a difficult time coming up with the words you want to vocalize, which would contribute to your speaking difficulties and help to explain this-“it seems more like a thought disorder than a speech one” and “my problem isn’t so much on the receiving end as it is on the delivering side.”</p>

<p>Your difficulties with face to face interactions are often common with introverts, but there may be a deficit in the part of your brain involving mirror neurons- they help us to learn to mimic the social behavior of others and unconsciously learn the back-and-forth “art” of conversation, which might help to explain this -“I was a complete dunce at everyday conversations, almost cripplingly so” and this “my otherwise awkward nature prohibited me from participating in the mere basics of the social spectrum”. </p>

<p>Twice Gifted learners can compensate for their [often unknown] LD’s for a long time-often until they hit a wall in HS or college, and then they start realizing or recognising their differences are causing difficulties. I wonder if the DRs you have seen are get the Big picture of how your difficulites are possibily related, and if not it may be because you are so bright. In my opinion, you need to find a clinic with DRs- Psychiatists, Neurologists and Clinical Psychologists, who have experience diagnosing gifted learners with learning differences. Perhaps there is a University/ medical school nearby? The good news is the brain is relatively “plastic” i.e. flexible, and it can be rewired a lot with outside stimulus. Because you are a natural introvert, it will require more energy and effort on your part to interact socially with people. This can make it harder to relax and feel comfortable being with others over an extended period of time. But you will get better at it the more you practice. The most important thing is to not be discouraged, but to find out what makes you tick.</p>

7

<p>This is probably obvious, but text-based communication uses a different skill set than voice-based, and I suspect that most people find they are more “successful” with one than with the other.</p>

<p>When using text-based communication, one speaks directly with people who have already decided to have a conversation with you. They can’t be interrupted in the same way that one can in ordinary conversation. For those of us who are extremely self-aware (clearly you fall into this category), we feel more confident because we are choosing our words in a way that can’t be done using voice. </p>

<p>To my mind, voice-based conversations are more difficult and are less likely to be “successful.” Boring people without much to contribute can easily dominate the discussion. People constantly interrupt. There are many visual cues that those participating are expected to follow (ie, laughing even if you don’t find what was said to be particularly funny, smiling, gesticulating, etc.) Those participating in the conversation are much more easily distracted.</p>

<p>You are much better at text-based communication than at voice based, and therefore find it more rewarding. </p>

<p>I say, continue to work on your social and verbal conversational skills, but don’t be surprised if you continue to enjoy the text-based communications more. You are a smart person and most likely the witty give-and-take you enjoy is not as likely to be encountered in random conversation.</p>

8

<p>ee33ee, I see that your are going to Swarthmore in Fall. I think you will find that once you are there, surrounded by a lot of very smart kids- many geeky smart, you will find that lots of the students there will like you because many are like you! Do your self favor- get out and mix with others, especially in the first few days of orientation. Don’t hide in your dorm room. I’m assuming that you have joined Swats facebook group already, if not do so. High School can be be an ordeal for those who are different, but I’ll bet you will find many kids like yourself at Swat. Give it a real chance, do really well in classes and if you find you aren’t happy there after a year or so, you may want to consider trying to transfer to Chicago, where there are a lot of students who share your characteristics. We can talk about that later if the time comes [son transfered there, so I have an idea of what they want to see in applications]</p>

9

<p>MPM - new WISC is worthless in discerning these things especially in the hands of a new psychologist. I will not digress.</p>

<p>Your other comments are so spot on (as are Fendrock’s). Additional testing would be helpful but what is most exciting is that fact that the OP is going to Swat - should be a great match. </p>

<p>EE33EE - you seem pretty self aware. No matter what the test results indicate, you are to be congratulated on taking the time to assess your strengths and trying to do something about your relative weaknesses. Hang in there and just try to take more frequent small risks in groups, rather than occasional outlandish risks. Practice will make you better.</p>

10

<p>“new WISC is worthless in discerning these things”
I was not referring to the WISC IQ test, but specifically to the Woodcock Johnson III Test of Cognitive Ability, which is a SEPERATE test.</p>

11

<p>this sounds exactly like me. it actually gave me chills. (i’ll be going to swat, too…tomorrow’s orientation! yay!)</p>

<p>i spent my whole life like this, thinking there must be something seriously wrong with me, and unable to comprehend why the thought-speech process was so impossible. in june of this year i was diagnosed with asperger’s syndrome. this was the reason for all of my troubles, and everything i’ve read on asperger’s since that diagnosis has given me so much clarity. furthermore, there are several group sessions about learning how to cope with the social hindrances of asperger’s, as well as autism spectrum specialists available for one-on-one sessions a short ride away at upenn.
i’m not saying that you DO have asperger’s, but your description was so familiar to me that i think you should look into this. even up to the day of my diagnosis, i thought i wasn’t “an aspie”, even if i recognized similarities in myself and the descriptions of people with asperger’s. i really think you should consider an evaluation if you have not yet considered this possibility.
if this really is the case for you as well, you will probably not be alone at swat. i spoke with the learning and disabilities coordinator and she told me that from what she has observed there is probably a large number of people at swarthmore living with asperger’s undiagnosed.
if you want to talk to me about this ever, let me know…i’ll be on campus starting tomorrow!</p>

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<p>That’s very interesting, swatttransfer. I was thinking that OP’s description sounded a lot like someone I know with Asperger’s. I don’t really know much about it but there is a lot of information available. I recall that there was a very interesting article about it in the NY Times Sunday magazine a few years ago, you should be able to find it online.</p>