Differently Wired Son and Launch into Adulthood

Parent Cafe
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<p>Background - My older son is entering his senior year at a state university in Texas with a criminal justice major,a 3.18 gpa overall and about 3.4 in his major. He is “differently wired” in the sense that he has had ADHD (off medication and coping pretty well for several years thank goodness); lives in the now; is very literal; and has improved his social skills considerably but is very much a loner at heart. He has shown that he can live in an apartment independently (both at college and in the summer); go to work at his summer internship on his own; and complete work satisfactorily, so I am confident he can cope with the daily living requirements as an adult. (He is also quite frugal and pays off his credit card every month - hurray!)</p>

<p>Feedback items - Through my employer he has done considerable personality testing this summer with suggested career fields that could be a good fit for one’s personality (such as air traffic control, customs inspector, insurance adjuster, etc. for him). He meets with my firm’s career counselor every couple weeks. However, he is very reluctant to do anything regarding exploring career fields he could get interested in apart from the traditional criminal justice ones (such as police and other law enforcement careers). He does not want to enter any field that may risk major bodily harm to the individual (such as police work). Due in major part to his wiring and his wanting to hold on to his “fun times” as long as he can, he has not even begun to develop specific career alternatives despite his seeing the career counselor… (And both my wife and I can help him explore alternatives very much.) </p>

<p>My son also has a very good contact in his university’s career center that can be of great assistance to him as well, but he has to take the self-help steps. My concern/fear is that once he goes back to college this semester, he will do virtually zero to begin to develop: (1) career field alternatives and (2) specific possible employers based on those alternatives. His university’s career center is great on criminal justice contacts and teaching contacts, but given that my son is not interested in the traditional criminal justice fields, he will have to find a “good job” mostly on his own. (I am also aware that he could research the university’s alumni database, but still he would have to take the initiative.)</p>

<p>Fast forward a year from now, college degree in hand and no job prospects. Then it’s back to Mom and Dad’s house and the parental units on his case to seek out some career direction. However, my son very much wants to be independent and on his own.</p>

<p>Your thoughts/advice please!</p>

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<p>Have no advice for you, but will keep my fingers crossed for you while doing so for my D. My D. will be entering senior year in a major she has thoroughly enjoyed (equine science)–but has absolutely no idea of whether she wants to try and enter job market or perhaps go to grad school. If she looks at job market, she doesn’t know in what capacity she may want to try and enter horse industry. I have told her that this fall she really needs to get “her ducks in a row”—but I’m not sure it is sinking in.</p>

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<p>One thing that is not clear to me…your son chose to major in criminal justice, so I take it that he has an interest in this field, right? But he doesn’t want a “traditional” criminal justice job like police work as he doesn’t want to do law enforcement, particularly the sort that may require him to do bodily harm to another. I am NOT familiar enough with the field of criminal justice, but I would think that there are aspects and branches to it and jobs that are not just law enforcement type jobs. He university’s career center, as well as professors and advisors in his field, should be able to direct him to some career options in his field of interest that do not involve law enforcement per se. So, couldn’t he explore jobs/careers related to his field of study other than being a police officer? Wouldn’t this be OK with you? Must he explore areas out of his field of interest at this juncture?</p>

<p>Also, can you set up expectations with a time frame that he must do some job hunting and career counseling, etc. during his senior year.You can help or guide with steps as needed but also have that expectation. I think there are people at his school to help in this endeavor. You can require him to take certain steps if he doesn’t have the inner initiative. You can also talk about expectations following graduation, getting a job, any financial support or not that you will be giving. Ask him what steps he plans to do now to get to X goal and expectation that you have set following graduation…if you will require him to support himself or live on his own, set up that expectation now and offer to be a support during the year as he takes the suggested steps that are necessary to get to that goal. You do not have to leave him to his own devices but can be the one to nurture and suggest the steps he must take but also require he take them given the expectations you have following graduation.</p>

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<p>I just did a quickie search and there are resources on the web in his field regarding careers. </p>

<p>There are a variety of jobs in criminal justice in the court system and in the corrections system, and thus are not of the sort of being a police officer.</p>

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<p>soozievt - Thanks for your very thoughtful reply. Let me fill out the picture a bit more. He is scared and overwhelmed about encroaching adulthood. My son is wired to live in the present and what is concrete and literal before him right now so goals over several months have proven to be of very little use. However, we are going to try some very short term piece-by-piece goals and see how that works, but he still must take some steps himself. The parental units really helped him focus on a criminal justice major primarily as it included major strengths for him - rule and structure oriented, not tied to a desk, etc. The sciences, math, and other courses requiring digging down deep end up in oneself have ended with C’s or lower. We definitely are going to have him pursue talking to professors as well (especially his internship professor). I did this with him in his junior year with a visit to his university and seeing career counselors and professors there with him to explore different fields. He knows the words, but is not inclined to take the actions.</p>

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<p>I think you are doing the right thing. Your son won’t seek this out on his own. You are being great supportive parents. If you must break it down into chunks, do so. Give expecations and resources and steps to take for each chunk and a time frame and expectation. He just needs the guidance. You guys can set up the structure and then he has to report back after he does whatever step you guide him to take. Be clear that these little steps are with X in mind by next summer and that you will help him with the time line and setting it up. He will have to do step X, Y, or Z but you’ll have told him what that step is, shown him who or where to look for resources, etc.</p>

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<p>I remember being in my last quarter of college and still having no clue what my plan was other than a vague sense of wanting to do something with writing. It’s a strange time because you are confident about your ability to “do” college, but not about living and working “out there.” The tendency is to just put off thinking about it. I imagine for someone with your son’s attributes, it would be particularly overwhelming. One thing that my parents did was try to figure out what might be an “interesting first step” job in my field and then ask their network of friends if they knew of job opportunities locally. This ended up with an invitation from a newspaper editor to give her a call about a paid internship. I called, interviewed and got the internship. Three months later, I had a job as a full reporter. It was a wonderful opportunity right out of college. So, maybe you could ask among your network of friends if they know of any starting opportunities in your son’s field of interest. Then, around March or April, you could offer him a name and phone number (or two or three). This would be in addition to soozievt’s excellent suggestions about a structured step-by-step approach to a job search. I think there’s some truth to the “it’s who you know” adage.</p>

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<p>I think it will be important to set some dates/deadlines. It cannot be to “easy” for him to return home with no set timeline. If he has lived independently in an apartment, then–hopefully–he will like having some independence and not like having too many rules. </p>

<p>So, I would begin to outline the type of “rules”/"constraints he would have if he returns home with a degree and without concrete plans. Such as:If he is to live in your home, he will have to follow your rules, curfew times, etc He will need to chip in for expenses, food etc. He will have X number of months before you expect him to move into his own apt at his expense, etc. </p>

<p>Ultimately, you will want to help him, but you will want to help him help himself. And there is only a limited timeframe and limited budget that you have to support him until he just has to DO IT. At least as far as he knows. </p>

<p>Soozievt has it right–break it up in chunks. But to motivate him to act on even the baby steps/chuncks, he has to know why it is that he is dong this. You have to make if perfectly clear that once he has a diploma, that he can’t just come home to live like he has done previously. Or he can’t expect his parents to subsidize his living independently once he has his degree. </p>

<p>He has to know NOW what it is that you will no longer be able to do for him after graduation.

</p>

<p>You have to set up a timeline now so that does not happen. You can’t make it too easy to end up back home, diploma in hand. And you have to MEAN it. (In a nice way of course ;-)</p>

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<p>Thanks everyone for several excellent suggestions. Here’s another tidbit that my wife and I are considering. My in-laws have already put out the carrot of $5,000 if he gets a degree with a greater than 3.0. My son is very aware of this (appeals to his literal and concrete nature) and we hope that it is motivating him to continue to perform well in school. The additional carrot is that we may chip in $5,000 to be matched by $5,000 of his own (he has the savings) to get a slightly used car if he puts in genuine effort and then obtains a “job with a future”.</p>

<p>I also haven’t said this as clearly as I should have. Regarding his living independently this summer in an apartment and getting up for work on his own, this was a major achievement boding well for his living as an independent adult. His being “wired differently” is not just a jargon term, but reflects some real built-in limitations (he flirts on the edge of the autistic spectrum), so we are very proud of what he has achieved but now “earning a living” beckons. </p>

<p>Thanks again for your very helpful replies.</p>

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<p>Lonestardad,
First, let me say that I have no experience yet with the stage you are up to with your son. My two kids are rising soph and rising junior in college. So, we are not “there” yet. As well, all kids are different. Mine happen to be go getters and are very driven and self motivated. They may look to me for guidance and advice with how to do this or that but I do not have to push them to do anything. BUT I realize your son is not like this. I think what you describe is not that unusual either. </p>

<p>I was thinking, however, about how overwhelming the whole process can seem like to a 21 year old with what to do upon graduation and how to go about getting the job, etc. It truthfully reminds me a lot of how overwhelming the process can be to apply to college. I work as a college counselor. One thing I do with my student clients is I create a personalized time line of all the tasks and steps that will need to be done over the year (or whatever time frame they’ve hired me for). Then, I lead them through each step of the process, explaining how to go about it and have them DO it and get back to me. I help and guide and support. I may find resources and make suggestions. Then they DO it. Your son will need that support and those suggestions. The process seems overwhelming and he doesn’t know how to go about it (well, how many times has he had to do this before, right? Just like college admissions!) So, I’d sit down with him and outline the steps that will need to be taken and break it down into month by month. Go over the expectations of the end goal…again, what you will or will not do for him upon graduation and what you expect him to be doing at that time. Then, month by month, suggest he do X task on the list, with guidance of how to go about that and check in on it, etc. He definitely has resources at his school for this so lots of the steps should involve them too. </p>

<p>If rewards work with your son, use them. I’m of the belief of whatever works, do it. I don’t need to stick out carrot rewards for my kids for things like this but if that worked and nothing else did, so be it, I’d do it. </p>

<p>Also, remember that his first job is not his forever job. He needs a starter job. If his interest is in criminal justice, I would really look in that field. Interest will be a big factor in his motivation to take the job and want to do it once he has it. </p>

<p>Congrats on his living on his own this summer. They are growing up, eh? Each experience is a growth experience. My 17 year old who is a rising soph, is living on her own at a summer long job in another state…housing is included in her job. She has to get her food, has a car, etc. It really is a big step, even though she has been to college for a year. My 19 year old is in France all summer working but is going to travel on her own for ten days at the end of the job and she just called about all the travel arrangements she is making and that too is a big step and in a foreign country too, and alone! </p>

<p>Also, given your son’s “needs”, don’t hesitate to consult with a learning specialist who can advise you. I am not trained to deal with his special needs and a specialist may be able to guide you about how to deal with this given the circumstances because what works with some of our kids as parent to parent may greatly differ with the type of kid you have. Kudos for how well he is doing so far in college!</p>

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<p>Lonestardad: I understand that your son has special needs, and that you feel these steps are necessary - and I’m not disagreeing. I’m just contrasting this, though, with how my hubby and I got our start. Hubby dropped out of first college, spent a year lazing around home, moved out and worked at grocery store, went back to school at community college, met me, took courses at community college and state U, we got married and lived in substandard housing, had first baby and continued working at grocery store and going to school… Me; graduated from college with degree in dance, moved back home, worked at grocery store and danced, married fellow grocery store worker, had baby, hubby and I went to grad school together, had another baby…
I guess things have changed - but I think the years of working low-level jobs and figuring out what to do were necessary. I would have been horrified if my parents had pointed me at a career or set up steps for me to follow: I was an adult and considered myself in charge of my own fate. :)</p>

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<p>anxiousmom: Surely you are not also horrified by the idea of career counseling (ie, someone who points us at a career or helps set up steps to reach our career goals)? Certainly each of us takes a different path to get to wherever we end up and we each have our own obstacles to overcome but we also require different levels of support to reach our goals. </p>

<p>There is no reason why a young adult with a learning disability cannot also be in charge of his own fate even when being provided structured support, in fact that is the goal here, that he learn to take charge of his life and no longer needs someone to help him set up the steps that he should follow. Unfortunately, turning 18 or graduating from college does not automatically make them capable of the same decision-making processes that most people are capable of.</p>

<p>Being the parent of a son with Aspergers syndrome (also on the mild end of the autism spectrum) who will be starting college this fall, I can fully understand lonestardad’s situation since this will be exactly the situation I will be facing a few years down the road, and I appreciate the suggestions I have read here, since what will probably work best for my son is to make sure that there are enough family and school supports in place to guide him throughout his college years and along his chosen path - so that he clearly understands what his goals or choices even are and can make his own decisions when the time comes. This is by no means denying his adult status or his ability to “be in charge of his own life” and in fact, this kind of structure is exactly what many of these young people need in order to make choices that will work best for them.</p>

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<p>Lonestardad,</p>

<p>Like Scansmom and you, I have experience with autism/ADHD and I understand what you mean when you say your son is differently wired. The suggestions that you provide your son with specific goals and deadlines are good but I don’t think it’s enough. It would be like asking me to build an airplane and giving me goals and deadlines to complete certain tasks. It wouldn’t help in the least because I don’t have the vaguest idea how to build an airplane. I need something to go by.</p>

<p>I suggest that you find and make contact with a range of people in your hometown that work in the criminal justice field. Ask them to visit with your son over the Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays about what they do and see if they will let him watch them at work, if possible. As a lawyer, I have worked for 30 years with a broad range of people in the criminal justice field and I believe they would welcome your son’s interest in what they do. As a parent, I believe it is entirely appropriate to help our children (normal and special) network with other people who can help them. Frankly, I would do the same thing for any relative or friend, and I bet you would, too.</p>

<p>My guess is that your son is hampered by indecision because he isn’t sure exactly what these jobs involve, so it’s hard to decide what he wants to do with his life. Once he’s met people and learned first-hand what they do, he may find it easier to decide what area to focus on and start looking for job openings. In addition, it’s possible he will be inspired by a specific person or a specific type of job.</p>

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<p>I love the CC forum! Soozievt, anxiousmom, scansmom, an DRJ4 - I appreciate the time and thought you took to respond. It is amazing to me how cloudy it can get the closer one gets to one’s own situation. Getting the perspective of observers like yourselves always helps turn on more lights. The latest posts have given me renewed energy to help set up visits for my son with persons in different career fields. (We are already in the process of having him do an informational interview with an air traffic controller.) College/university alumni are often flattered to get calls/contacts from students with questions about their career field. I just have to figure out how to tap this resource working with him long distance this semester. Again, thanks for your musings!</p>

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<p>Lonestardad,</p>

<p>I’m glad if anything I offered was helpful. These kids have trouble visualizing and empathizing with other people and their jobs, but they can accomplish amazing things if they see it first-hand. (In fact, their ability to remember what they’ve seen is remarkable, almost photographic.) It sounds like your son is a success story and I’m sure a good portion of the credit belongs to your family’s help and support. Congratulations on what I know was a hard but rewarding job well done.</p>

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<p>I cannot address your son’s limitations, as my experience with Aspergers et al is limited. I can tell you that the vast majority of kids are not financially independent for a few years after graduation. I know many very talented kids who are back in their parents’ home or living on parental supplements. These are “normal” kids, even high achieving kids. It’s not that easy to transition from college to a job that pays enough to be self sufficient, much less to jump into a career. I feel that it is unrealistic to have that expectation for any college kid unless he is hot to pursue a field that has immediate employment opportunities. I know many parents who begged, cajoled, bribed and threatened their kids to study a field where there is a need. Unless the kid wants to do it, the results are often not pretty. You can lay out the options, show career paths, descriptions, all of the things you are doing, but it is not very effective to attempt to shoe horn kids into something they just do not want to do. And most of them do not know what they want to do, or what they want to do is not going to make them independent. Stopping the autographs on your check book for your kid is really a huge step. Most of us are going to have to deal with this situation.</p>

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<p>DJR4 - Our horizons are widening based on ideas engendered by your replies. Depending on the opportunity and hands-on experience to be gained, maybe another internship for my son could be another option. By the way, my son is one of those that has an amazing memory for facts, figures, etc. that has helped him on exams in quite a few courses. </p>

<p>cptofthehouse - Thanks for your reply. Your points are right on the money. Son #2 will be a junior in college and also is in the “deciding what to do” quandary. He is more of the traditional kid that may be among those sipping from several of the cups of life which is just fine. (He is also seeing the career counselor at my employer to help him sort out options.) What I have told him is that I can give him advice/information on various fields (such as what life is like as a lawyer on several CC threads), accounting, marketing, general business, and government careers; set up informational interviews with persons in those fields, etc. but then he must make the job/graduate school/career decisions for himself. (My numero uno advice to son $2 is don’t choose a career because Dad or Mom likes it.) Son #2 will most likely follow his own route to a satisfying end that I know will be good for him.</p>

<p>Son #1 is not a traditional pattern type of young adult as son #2 so my wife and I need to do more customized work with him.</p>

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<p>I think you are doing a remarkable job exposing your son to all the possibilities out there where he is likely to succeed. The other posters had some great ideas too. But he is most likely going to need to digest all of this information. It is hard for most kids to transition from student life to the working world, and having to think about career, self sufficiency, and life fullfillment. It’s not like school where you can switch courses around, change the major and pick among of smorgasboard choices. It’s a rather tough road to getting a job, mastering it and looking for upward mobility. I think the chances of getting him to take a direction that you have researched and found an appropriate path will be quite high if you leave the information around, talk about those things casually, get feedback from him and work with his desires. Pushing and nagging might get him to do what you want quicker, but there often is resentment there as well. The idea needs to sit well with him, and be somethng that meshes with what he wants. </p>

<p>I guess I wanted to make the point that this not a problem isolated to kids who have “issues”. Even high achievers make their parents grit their teeth and sweat as they decide to major in psychology and forego the premed route when he is fantastic natural sciences major. I know kids who refuse to go into accounting when it has great employment possibilities, majoring in marketing or general business which you know half the college graduates are doing. And then surprise, surprise, they can’t find a job better than something a highschool dropout could do with pay not much more than minimum wage. Or have to take a low paying internship or do volunteer work to make some headway towards their goal, and of course they need to be supplemented monetarily for these choices, exactly what mom and dad feared. Though some kids go through college in a pre professional path that leads to good employment, that is the exception rather than the rule. It’s generally a futile exercise trying to foist the family business on a kid who is not the least bit interested, or trying to nag him through law school. What fuels the direction is interest, and that has to come from within. Of course exposure to possibilities without pressure can widen the scope of the job search, and it looks like you are collecting some phenomonal information. Way more than most of us do with our kids.</p>

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<p>There was an episode of Boston Legal last week that revolved around an attorney up for partnership. He had a brilliant legal mind and was the resourse in the office everyone went to for obscure legal facts. I have worked with people like him over the years in law firms and I now believe a few had Aspergers as I’ve become familiar with the disorder. There is also someone high up on Wall Street that came out and talked about having Aspergers, can’t remember who right now. I think Wall Street has a surprising number of Aspergers folks with brilliant math minds. </p>

<p>I would recommend you may want to talk to someone with deep knowledge of the dosorder in helping to focus your son. I know from a close friend with an Aspergers child that much research is being done and there are many very intelleigent families with resources who are very involved in creating opportunities for these kids.</p>

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<p>Hi Lonestardad -</p>

<p>Regarding career options that make use of your son’s criminal justice credits, have you considered forensic accounting and employment with federal agencies such as the FBI or other Treasury Dep’t agencies? I realize he is about to enter his senior which doesn’t leave a lot of time to catch up, but it is possible that a few accounting/auditing courses, maybe an extra semester will allow him to be qualified to seek employment in this field. It may be worth it to speak with someone in the local FBI office about careers and requirements. A degree is accounting is not required to take the CPA exam, so very possibly a degree in criminal justice with a minor in accounting or even just some coursework in accounting and auditing would make him a desirable candidate in the eyes of federal law enforcement.</p>