Difficult parents

emeraldkity4 · March 7, 2007, 12:43pm

[this</a> ad reminded me](<a href=“http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781400083015]this”>http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781400083015)

Of how often when I read these threads, I am reminded by one incident or even a series of incidents- where I am frustrated- stymied- & befuddled, how to intrepret or dismiss.

Mostly around relatives- because they are so much better at pushing your buttons even when not trying.

Like when my brother- who is remarried with an 8 year old, will drive around a 20 mile radius checking out gymnastics academies/swimming pools/ballet studios, for his 8 year old, but won’t pay anything( or show much interest) towards his college age kids education, and criticizes them for not living up to their “potential”. ( they are attending public universities & working at same time)

Or not being able to say anything, when it is fairly obvious ( to me anyway) that my 24 year old niece is depressed & not getting appropriate help.

I haven’t run into the instances of where my daughters friends, have totally different boundaries than we do lately, but Ill admit that my friends, who are same social class, if higher income and better educated are raising their kids with a much more offhand attitude now that they are teens, that I would have predicted 10 years ago.( and more offhand than I would feel comfortable with)

Thankfully, while my D2 and their kids have in the past been friends and attended same schools, D2 now attends a different school and has different friends so Im not directly having to deal with holding a line that " no one elses mom makes them do _____"

Where do you say something, and when do you “smile and nod”?
When my kids are around, I always felt I had to say something- even if watered down, because I believed that silence implied assent, especially to children’s ears, but I also don’t necessarily want to “get into it”.

I haven’t actually read the other book mentioned’ Queen bees and Wannabees" as my Ds friends are all sweet as pie, but I think that is the luck of the draw and depends on the year, and the school.
This other book sounds really good though- I could use some social skills in dealing with other parents :)

citygirlsmom · March 7, 2007, 12:58pm

What I see is this sometimes

A student missing out on a really fun school event, ie a dance, because they have to get up early, 8ish the next day

There parents don’t want them tired, and they put the sport, and ALWAYS, pushiing pushing that sport at the expense to having fun and supporting the school.

These are teens, they have lots of energy, and while practice is important, for them to make a student pick the practice (not skipping it mind you, but being so weird that each and every practice has to be top notch)- and mind you they practice 6 days a week)

It just frustrates me that the parents don’t get that sometimes being tired at a swim practice is okay

We have relatives who were oohing and ahhing about their last child getting into college, and he doesn’t have to work, while the older ones put themselves all the way through

So I make a special effort to bring that up and congratulate them…

OldinJersey · March 7, 2007, 1:22pm

When I meet someone like your brother or his wife I now leave the room. It sets me off big time. Last time I sat through that garbage was listening to a trophy wife RANT that it was disgusting that husband had to pay child support when she wanted to have a family asap, and “those kids” were getting in the way. ughs.
Queen bees can be sweet as pie with each other, and there are some girls that simply opt out of ever fitting in, skip trying to be wannabees and hang together. You’d have to know how the girls treat anyone outside their own group to see where they are in the situation. It is more middle school into early high school, then it mostly fades away, at least in that they QB no longer work at torturing the lesser girls, just ignore them.

mstee · March 7, 2007, 1:36pm

EmK – I have read most of Queen Bees and Wannabees, and it is very good. This one looks interesting too, thanks for the tip.

Just read a review of the book on Amazon, something along the lines of “when the kids aren’t getting along, one imagines they can change with some good advice and guidance but when the grown ups don’t get along, not necessarily true” – I paraphrased the review, but in my experience, it does seem as if there is much more hope for the kids then the adults. Proceed with caution when trying to bring up a difficult situation with an adult who is misbehaving!

berurah · March 7, 2007, 1:41pm

As much as I have my own ideas about what constitutes good parenting (<----just when DID that word become a verb anyway!!! lol) or perhaps BECAUSE I do have my own ideas about this, I RARELY say something. After all, I have my own ideas, so everyone else is entitled to his or hers as well. Sometimes our ideas will mesh. Many times they will not. Those are the facts. Now, what, if anything, can/should be done about it?

I choose to handle situations such as these by way of supporting through “adoption” of kids who need/want/solicit my help. I have accumulated the majority of my adopteds because for whatever reason, these kids feel that I can and do contribute to their lives in fundamentally positive ways and help to make things possible for them that might otherwise not be. I am careful to do this with little to no commentary on the situation that brought them to me UNLESS they bring it up and want to discuss it.

Let’s face it…NO ONE takes kindly to or is very appreciative of criticism of their parenting style/skills, even when it is presented constructively. My desire is NOT to alienate anyone when I step in, but rather to enhance/mentor/encourage.

Case in point: S’s girlfriend. She is a high school senior this year. She will graduate as valedictorian of her class. She is bright, exceedingly motivated, kind, and gracious. She’s a “sparkler.” The kind of kid that stands out in a crowd and a young lady whom ANY college would be blessed to count among its class. She desires a future in the medical field and has volunteered extensively at the hospital, with Big Brothers Big Sisters, and with Communities in Schools. Great kid with a great future.

The problem? Well, her parents, neither of whom is college educated, have decided that college is unimportant. They rejected any and all ideas of her applying to school out of state. Okay, fine. She decided to apply to the state flagship U…in the honors program. Nope. Parents won’t go for that either. Too expensive and completely unnecessary in their eyes.

Meanwhile, I’ve been helping her all year with scholarship forms, essays, etc. in order to facilitate her getting some scholarship money so that the state U would be more doable (it’s not UNDOABLE for her parents…they just bought an expensive new camper and a truck) in their eyes. But her ACT scores were just out of range for the major scholarships. sigh

Now, she’s been relegated to the local four-year uni. which doesn’t even OFFER what she needs in the way of her major. It’s not a bad school, just not what SHE needs or deserves, given her level of motivation and degree of commmitment to her educational future.

S and I have been trying so hard to encourage her, to brainstorm ideas for making this workable for her. And we’re doing it, but it is challenging.

So, tell me, what good would it do for me to talk to her parents? Her father is unyielding on this issue and completely anti-education. She’s lucky to get ANYTHING from them given his viewpoint. As a matter of fact, he’s already telling his younger two kids to skip college altogether, only agreeing to this for his oldest because she’s a straight A student and valedictorian.

Late last week, S’s gf came over one night to hang with us and talk to me. She talked at length about this college situation and how disappointing it was to her. And then…she began to thank me PROFUSELY. She said that if not for me (and my S), she would NEVER have set the goals that she did or given her education the priority she has. She said that she owed her success to US (NOT TRUE!!!, but SO kind of her to say). And she said that there were only two people that she’d miss when moving out of her home–her mother–and me.

The time and energy that I COULD have spent in a wasteful manner trying to change the unchangeable (her parents) I chose to spend otherwise: Encouraging this amazing kid, helping her with college apps, essays, recommendations, etc. And though the results were not entirely what we had hoped for, the efforts were much appreciated by her as she has at least felt supported and that her education was a worthwhile endeavor.

The way I figure it, most parents who hold vastly different views and attitudes than I do are not going to change them because I suggest that it might be a good idea. Now, if there were a situation that were dangerous or abusive in either a physical or emotional way, I’d take a more proactive approach, but even then, I’d be very careful how I do this because often those kinds of well-intended gestures can come back on the innocent kiddos.

So, no, I’m not prone to saying much, but rather to DOING whatever I can to remedy a situation and mitigate any damage.

You cannot legislate love, command common sense or issue a proclamation for proficient parenting . But you CAN lead by example and reach out in a positive way to those who would welcome your help and encouragement.

~berurah

mstee · March 7, 2007, 1:45pm

You say it so well, berurah.

MallomarCookie · March 7, 2007, 1:48pm

she does it so well!

emeraldkity4 · March 7, 2007, 2:21pm

You’d have to know how the girls treat anyone outside their own group to see where they are in the situation.

Thats a good point- but it does seem like some schools have more cliques who are interested in social stratification than others.
I would also agree that middle school is more problematic.
My D is also not socially skilled, at least I would frankly not have described her that way- which I think also goes with ADHD/being on the spectrum.

She had wonderful-terrific friends, that she moved from elementary/middle school to high school with, and had a wonderful 9th grade with them, but then in early 10 th grade, one of them got a boyfriend- and D just felt betrayed and to the extent that she was *IMO *overreacting and basically distanced herself from these friends- which made me very sad

not a case of queenbees though, but I think of D not really able to explain her point of view or see her friends pov.

She has new friends- who seem to be on the very very nice, more academic, socially involved, than interested in parties/boys/cars side. ( in general)
They are not horrified at spending their weekends watching disney movies and making cookies for example, like I would have been at 16. ;)

From what I hear, it is actually more difficult at her high school ( which is very diverse racially & academically) for boys, particulary AA boys, who don’t want to be “def”- or “fly” or whatever the current term is for being “cool” if being cool means you blow off your classes and act like you don’t care.

The girls, whether they have always been academic, or are just now as juniors deciding they want to be more focused, seem more accepting of others, but boys ( going by conversations with young men who aren’t in high school anymore), have some sort of code of behavior they have to follow- and sometimes I don’t think the parents are helping them break out of that trap.

For instance- the parents might feel that there is racism in the advanced classes. So they tell their kids not to take those classes or discourage them from doing so ( instead of first finding out if that is accurate & if it is, doing something to change it).

Although my D ( who was the only “white” girl in her math class for instance), has friends who are taking both remedial classes and advanced classes with her, and that we have found several of the teachers, very supportive, some amazingly so, even giving her their home and cell #s to call for help, when I share our experiences at meetings when the topic comes up, it feels like our perspective is null, because I am not black.

THis isn’t really a case of “difficult” parents, but then it is, because I would like to get better communication going with other parents in the school, to share infomation, instead of everything going through this loop that may twist what is real-Id like parents to see for themselves- at the very least so they can pass on better information for their kids, rather than hearsay.

Im am thinking outloud here- that would be a valuable topic for a book- if loaded- with such diverse populations in neighborhoods and schools, we have communities with different communication styles, let alone backgrounds, and expectations.
But for instance, some people stand very close to me when they talk, and that makes me uncomfortable, because I can’t even see them, so I back away- but I have the impression that , that is an insult.
Its different when you are friends, because you feel more comfortable asking ?s, to clarify things, but when you are just getting to know people, or if it is a more formal situation like a community meeting, you don’t know them.

lderochi · March 7, 2007, 3:02pm

~B, from the tidbits I’ve picked up from some of your posts I stand in great admiration of your “adoption” of kids. I think I once suggested that you just skip the middleman and open your own college. Great story, it very much reminds me of my own “adopted” family back in HS. My parents were actually very proud of me and did expect me to go to college, but my friend’s mother really went above and beyond the call of duty to impress on me that I should aim higher.

backhandgrip · March 7, 2007, 4:55pm

I can’t compete with Berurah but here’s my 2 cents.
Although they may never admit to it girls are frequently much like their mothers. If there is a clique of moms you bet there is a clique of their daughters.
Smile and distance yourself.That’s what I do.

As for family, there is probably a lot going on there you may not be aware of.Maybe your brother is just about on the edge.You know how guys often won’t mention what is bothering them or the pressures they feel but it has a way of bubbling to the top in other ways.I just give them a good dinner, an opportunity to talk, and a smile. Then shut the door and forget for a while.

Just to add, I knew a Queen Bee who’s son killed himself. Since then I’m more charitiable to everyone. You never know what others are feeling and what may be behind that facade.

Elleneast · March 7, 2007, 6:01pm

My extended family is currently dealing with some “stuff” and I cannot tell you how much the above statement rings true.

berurah · March 7, 2007, 8:54pm

mstee, MallomarCookie, and bhg~

Thanks so much, y’all! :)

lderochi~

Your kind words are MUCH appreciated! It truly thrills me to hear that the contributions of your own “adopted” family made a significant difference in your life. This situation with my S’s gf is really eating at me, but I’m happy to say that I’m still working on that. Today, when I was at the theatre taping my D’s show which opens tomorrow, I spoke to S’s gf’s physics teacher on behalf of her, and he says that his brother who instructs at K-State may be able to exert some influence on her behalf! Doubt anything will come of it, but who knows?? It’s sure worth a try. With enough money, her parents may relent and allow one of the two good state schools.

Elleneast~

{{{{{major hugs}}}}} to you sweetie. I can so relate…

~berurah

mommusic · March 7, 2007, 10:38pm

berurah–you really are a, well, whatever the female of a mensch is!

I remember when I was younger my mother and her sisters, sad to relate, were constantly comparing their children. There was some sort of competition going on, I guess, and it might have had its roots in their own childhood struggles to be noticed in a large family. When I had children of my own I learned to just agree whenever one of them (the aunts) bragged about their grandchildren. “Yes, you are certainly lucky to have such wonderful grandchildren.” When they didn’t get an argument it took all the tension out of the situation. And I knew how smart my kids were. ;)

berurah · March 8, 2007, 8:54am

oh wow…mommusic, thank you so much for your kind words!

You are extremely wise, m’dear!!! And I’m quite sure that your aunts know exactly how wonderful and bright your kids are too, though they may not share the compliments! :)

~berurah

Difficult parents

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