<p>I am a third year grad student in a human discipline. Things are going relatively well, courses are being taken care of, I’m presenting papers at conferences, I’m close to having a dissertation topic, etc., but I have one worry: I am socially awkward with my advisor.</p>
<p>He is helpful in directing my training and I think I work relatively well with him. But whenever I see him outside the classroom or his office, things get so awkward and it makes me worry (e.g., at a departmental party, post-colloquium socializing, or even running into him on street!). Other students have also expressed difficulty with him on social level, but the other two students who have the same advisor seem to be completely at ease and do a much better job than I of getting to know him personally.</p>
<p>For these reasons I sometimes wonder if he has anything personal against me or if it’s just me being paranoid (on one occasion he expressly complained of my work habit). But as far as my scholarship is concerned, he frequently tells me that he is pleased and impressed with my progress.</p>
<p>Do you guys have any suggestions on how to address this problem so that I can regain my confidence w.r.t. my advisor?</p>
<p>Sounds like it’s definitely your problem, not your advisor’s. What is it about him that makes you feel awkward? He seems to think highly of you so what’s there to lose except to say hello and how he’s doing? You may want to try to get to know him a little more personally in his office so that maybe you can see him as another human being when you’re out there? Not just Your Advisor.</p>
<p>Other students find it awkward to talk to him too? Don’t worry about it; he is your advisor, he doesn’t have to be your friend. He may deadpan you because he is older and in a totally different role. Or maybe he isn’t terribly warm because he likes to maintain a professional/personal boundary. It sounds like he is a good advisor and you are a good graduate student- what is the problem?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I also disagree that it is you, not him. It is a combination, probably, of his and your characteristics. I think that’s evident by the fact that you are not alone in feeling this way. It is hard to tell from just a few sentences, but if other things are well, that’s good. It happens, sometimes you are just always awkward around certain people, you know. I don’t really have concrete advice.</p>
<p>I disagree completely that it is you and not your advisor. All relationships (of any kind) are the result of interactions between two people. Clearly others feel the way you do and some don’t. I wouldn’t worry about it, I don’t really have concrete advice besides just generic things you can do, but it is good that otherwise you get along… it can be much worse. And yes, it is not suppose to be a friendship, you know.</p>
<p>Unless there is some specific issue, I would not worry about. Just be sure to say hello when you walk by and smile…kinda like giving a salute. If it is appropriate, hold a small conversation. Leave it at that. Be happy. That is all you need to do.</p>
<p>If there is some specific issue or he treats you differently from other students then you probably should worry about it. About the occasion where he complained about some sort of work habit…if it is just once and it happened a year ago and everything else has been fine, forget about it. If it is recent, and there has been a noticable change in his behaivor since then, maybe you should be a little concerned. </p>
<p>If I’m being critized by a manager or whatever, the first thing that pops in to my head is “Can you give me a specific example?”. Man…this phrase can work wonders. Sometimes when your boss tells you what the problem is, you realize something strange is happening like a coworker not giving appropriate feedback or not including the manager on some sort of status report. There sometimes is a real issue that can be resolved. One manager had an issue with me. After speaking with him I realized it was because I never said hello when I walked by the manager. I honestly never realized it was an issue.</p>