I apologize for the length of this but, over the years I’ve been on CC with a datable son, I’ve wondered (worried?) how finding love would turn out for him in this world where technology plays either a significant matchmaker role or a detriment to true connection.
TLDR: I think finding deep connection is much harder today than it was for us, and I think technology complicates the dance. But it’s not impossible, it just seems to take longer.
There was a interesting related thread a while back, Do college “kids” not date anymore, where we talked about how it appears college kids are missing out on what was, for us, the best time for/pool of potential mates and how much harder it seems to find suitable partners in the wider uncurated world.
DH and I met in undergrad, and it was the thunderbolt for both of us. Instant and intense, we never looked back. In his early years of dating, our son was looking for that same immediate two-way electricity, though we were clear that that type of connection is not common or necessary for a long lasting love. He kept wanting it and looking for it, though. I think looking for “magic” may have preempted some early opportunities. I’m glad that more and more movies and stories are less Cinderella-like and more Harry-and-Sally like.
Like @seal16’s daughter, our son always dated intent on a serious relationship. He had a steady all through HS but, inherent in the boarding school contract, is the certainty that all will disperse solo for far-flung colleges. Then, he chose an even less fruitful college pool. The lop-sided male:female ratio of a service academy and the perils of “cadating” within one’s company if the relationship went south meant that finding his life partner would have to wait until even later.
I posted in that linked thread that once he graduated and moved to his post, he started looking seriously for love and marriage. We’d talked with him often over the years about relationships, commitment, love, stability, marriage, children, responsibility, etc. All of these were important to him. He was never interested in hooking up. I know that one of the things he was NOT interested in was a young woman who couldn’t put down her phone and hold up her end of an interesting, intelligent, lasting conversation. That eliminated or ended a lot of first dates for him. It’s not like he doesn’t have and use his own phone, but he’s pretty strict on where and how it fits into his life (mostly, it’s critical to his job), and he and we are not texters. He said once that he had to pass on a young woman based on her excessive use of emojis.
I know it’s not PC to talk about looks, but our son often complained that many of the more beautiful women he dated were just too high maintenance and fussy about things that don’t matter to him. Eventually, he’d invite the young woman on a run and notice if she showed up in makeup or fancy/coordinated athletic wear. Let’s just say that, over the years, we saw a distinctive change in the type of woman he was interested in.
I do think that technology and social media have changed how young people interact and find each other, and I do think it’s harder to make meaningful connections when the messages out there are so mixed and contradictory. I know that our son was open to meeting young women through online apps and did, but he preferred to meet them through friends or just chatting in whatever venue he happened to be in. For example, he dated his Starbucks barista for a while as well a young woman he met at Publix.
Some characteristics that helped him though–he isn’t shy, he isn’t afraid of rejection, and he wasn’t willing to settle. He just kept chatting and putting himself out there, dating a lot but never trying to make a relationship work that wasn’t right. Eventually, he met a young woman through friends who could go toe-to-toe with him, could handle his intensity with humor, and slipped easily into the rhythm of his military life but, more importantly, clearly loved and adored him. They dated for three years and married recently at 26. She is “The One.” And we love her, too.
I have noticed something about his military cohort – they are all in their 20s, and they are all married. They are a tight-knit community that works hard, plays together, and supports each other. But, they are all couples. I’m not sure what that dynamic is.