D2 is 30 and lives in San Diego. She has used dating apps in the past, but is not using them currently. She dated 2 guys over the past year and neither relationship stuck. The first guy was 34 and the second one 37. Neither had ever been married and both said they were looking for a long term relationship.
D2 would like a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage although she does not want children. She is upfront with potential partners about this. She realizes that no one is going to match everything she would like in a partner, but these last two guys ended up being very self absorbed and not willing to put effort into a romantic relationship. Since D2 is 30 she is interested in a partner aged between 28 and 38.
I encourage D2 to get out of her comfort zone and do new activities where she might meet someone new. One of her bfs is a male (aged 29) who is also looking for a relationship and not having any luck. D2 has been friends with him since they were 3 and 2 years old. D2 and her friend both have good jobs, but work 100% from home which I think keeps them from meeting new people also.
It seems to me that everyone goes out on groups and wants to be friendâs. So many young adults donât want children. Such a culture change. My son at 26 is engaged and my daughter at 27 is living with her girlfriend (partner). My nephew 33 just moved in with his GF after dating 6 months sheâs also 33 and my niece got married at 33.
I really do think being on electronics all day really zapped these kidâs out of normal human interaction that we all had. Many young kids seem socially awkward. I still canât get used to everyone splitting the tabs when going out. I told my nephew to stop that if he really likes this girl and he did and now their talking about getting engaged.
One thing Iâve noticed is no one goes out on blind dates anymore. Iâve asked my kids, donât you set your friends up? Itâs like they have no clue what this is â I know so many people who met their partner on a blind date! I mean, guess dating apps are sort of like a blind date but theyâre not vetted by your friends.
My kids have all met their partners in person - the old fashioned way either at a bar or when out with a group or in college. Not sure if theyâve ever used apps. But they know plenty of people who have met their loves online.
I have several nieces/nephews in their 30âs who may be forever single. One would really like to meet someone but if you donât put yourself out there and work on it, itâs probably not going to happen organically when youâre 38.
I do agree with @abasket saying many in this age group view their 20âs as theirs â grad school, travel, moving around.
I kind of agree with your son. Synagogue should be for praying and service and not for socializing⊠However, many reform and some conservative ones became kind of clubs unfortunately. Orthodox families have their match makers and mostly do not have problems to find a match.
My now 32yo in a large Midwestern city met his now-wife at 27 through mutual friends. They had gone to the same liberal arts college, but she was three years younger than him so only overlapped one year and they had never met. His roommates were hosting a party for Model UN alumni, and ds and DIL were the only two people who knew no one as neither of them was in Model UN (he was there because it was his house, and she was dragged there by friends). Their first official date was two days later; it was pretty much love at first sight. He never dated in HS or college, although he certainly was on the apps as a young adult. This was his first real relationship.
Ds2 turns 30 this week and has been dating a 27yo woman in their large Southern city for a year as of Saturday. They met through a mutual friend. He is a serial monogamist, but a disastrous college relationship meant that he put all that on the back burner for many years. He finally started dating again sporadically when he was 26 or 27 and tried the apps but nothing substantive came from them (although he did date a women from a reality TV show before she was on the show!). He hated the apps. He dated a co-worker for a few months when he was 27ish, but he knew that it wasnât serious. He is quite protective of this current relationship â age appropriately so â and doesnât give details like he did previously, but last night he called to talk about the stock market, and that transitioned to talking about this relationship. No plans to move in together or marry, but they clearly are thinking ahead as a couple. On their anniversary, they talked about the previous year and what were their personal and couple goals for the year ahead. He really wants this one to stick, at least he does right now.
I have told ds2 how I am so surprised not one person in his immediate friend group is married. They are all good-looking, outgoing, successful men. In his fantasy football league of 12 guys, only one is married, and heâs a year older than ds. The US Census Bureau found that the median age for marriage in 2022 was 28.6 years old for women and 30.5 years old for men, so I suppose most of his immediate friend group isnât quite there yet, but some are and to get to the median you need some early adopters!
I listen to a lot of Scott Galloway, as Iâve mentioned on this board before. His big stat is that one-third of men under 30 are dating, but two-thirds of women under 30 are dating. How? Because they are dating older men. Truthfully, at the pool of financially stable women has grown the pool of financially and emotionally stable men under 30 seems to be shrinking so who can blame them?
Our next-door neighbors married at 15 and 17. Their daughters are in their 30s and 40s and in long-time relationships (Iâm talking more than a decade) and neither is married. The 40+ one owns property with her partner, but they arenât and donât plan to marry (maybe when end-of-life decisions come into play?). The 35+yo has a baby with her partner in Germany, but they have no plans to marry.
My family has a long history of using dating apps (or their equivalents):
My mom met her first husband (more than 50 years ago) as the result of some early computer matching service.
My uncle met his wife as the result of some early computer matching serviceâŠtheyâve been married over 50 years.
I met my spouse through an online dating site and my brother met his second wife that way (different dating site).
So there may have been more blind dates and meeting through activities during previous times, but meeting through nonpersonal methods has been going on for many, many years.
Blind dates! Ds2 and I had this huge discussion about them. Today, blind dates arenât even the same. He did this thing where the person who set them up was the go between and each texted her when they arrived and described what they were wearing and then she facilitated their finding each other at the place. WTH? What happened to âIâll be the one with a pink carnation in my lapelâ?!?!?
That other post was getting too long, but I wanted to say that every generation thinks what they are living through is so new and novel. Ds and I were talking about ghosting and how that wasnât a thing in my day. Iâm like, WTH are you talking about? We didnât call it ghosting, but when you went out on a date and never heard back from the guy, thatâs basically what it was.
I met my husband on a blind date that I didnât know was a blind date. The mutual friend was leaving a big company and wanted to take advantage of their over the top holiday party by inviting her grad student friends for free food and booze⊠or so I was told. My now husband was told âIâm inviting you to this thing so you can meet this friend of mineâŠâ If I had known it was a blind date, I wouldnât have gone as I wasnât interested. But I had so much fun with this ârandom guy friendâ who attended the party, that when he asked me later I said yes.
I am so sad for both of our kids. My daughter doesnât try dating apps.
My daughter has never had a boyfriend.
My son has never dated. During high school neither went to dances. They went with their groups of friends. My daughter has never been asked out. She is very good tennis player and will meet people through that but nothing comes of it.
Our daughter is 31, our son is turning 30 this year. I know that theyâve been on lots of group dates, but nothing goes further. Our daughter travels a lot with friends.
My friends and colleagues really like our kids. They say theyâre nice, kind, sweet and funny. And itâs their nice way of saying that âyes, they donât look like modelsâ.
But it still hurts to think that they may not have, at least a chance of having a partner for a little while.
When I dated it was through a number of volunteer events; you meet like-minded individuals. People got to know me and my personality.
I had planned on being single for life because I knew I didnât have the right âlookâ. Janis Ianâs song was my mantra. I was really surprised when I met two people at the same time that were âinterestedâ.
Our eldest of the three is married, but the other two donât seem destined for that. It hurts to think that they might not have a partner in life.
For sure this is a factor. Working in a physical place means you meet people on your commute, in the parking lot, in the coffee area. And the old âWhich floor do you get off?â routine on the elevator where you tried to figure out where the cute person next to you worked if the building had multiple companies sharing a floor.
About half my HS friends married someone they met at Hillel or synagogue⊠as did my parents back in the early 1950âs so Iâm not sure synagogues are just for prayer. And certainly, the leadership of the organizations Iâve been affiliated with worked hard to create an easy, low key social environment. Whether Apple Picking before the High Holidays (apples are a big thing for the New Year), serving lunch at a homeless shelter on Christmas day, preparing Thanksgiving meals for first responders and the staff of the local hospitalâs ER- these are âeveryone welcomeâ activities, not singles events. You get babies, school age kids, teenagers, young singles, older singles, widowed, entire families, elderly people for whom these are important ways to stay connected. They arenât âsingles eventsâ- they are events where lots of people- including singles- feel welcome.
The last couple to get engaged in my previous synagogue met while running a carnival for little kids. He was the volunteer âthrow a pie in my faceâ guy (it wasnât a real pie, just shaving cream in a tin pan) and she was the âclean up after the pie gets thrownâ person.
But I agree that a primarily online, digital world makes it harder to have these random connections.
The recent passing of an old friend of husbandâs got son thinking. The friend had no spouse, significant other, children, parents, or brothers or sisters. One cousin not spoken to in 20 years; that cousin estranged from his own brother and no more cousins or aunts or uncles. No will!!! Husband was put as emergency contact at friendâs office (the guy worked from home); another friend as contact for apartment building. Both husband and the other guy were quite shocked to be contacted when doorman found friend deceased at home. The one known cousin stepped up and they were all able to organize the funeral. But now probate will be involved (another lawyer friend offered to be executor if the probate judge agrees). Cousin does not want to do it and no one knows where the long estranged cousin is. Quite a mess!
Anyway, son thought maybe all my âsuggestionsâ about developing a social group might be a good idea. I think he would be happy to be in a Friend Zone, to be honest.
I think that inter-generational dynamic is one aspect that has really gotten lost. Not only did events like that help knit the community together, but they also modeled for young people what healthy relationships at all different stages looked like. And â should the relationship work out â that knit-together community was part of what would help the young couple survive the hardest years, when their relationship was young and (if they were lucky enough to have kids) strained by the difficulties of parenting. Having a bunch of grandmas you could hand a baby off to was a huge relief that a lot of young people today donât have the benefit of.
I do think that this generation seems a lot lonelier?
My D goes to church and has visited â community groups. â The groups are a mixture of married and singles⊠but mostly couples. She says it is a bit awkward trying to fit into the group.
When I was single there were specific groups for those who were single, engaged, and married.
Iâm curious about the statistics that show women using dating apps as â swiping rightâ on the same 5 - 10 % of the men. I do not disbelieve that but wonder how choosy the men are? Are they swiping right only on the most physically attractive women? Are they open to dating women who may not be conventionally attractive, thin etc? Will they consider dating women with more education/ higher earnings, women who are independent?
I listen to a dating podcast to avoid spiraling via politics. The man on the broadcast makes it clear that men might be looking for a relationship but also will happily settle for a hookup so arenât as discriminating about who they swipe.
My three kids, 2 boys and one girl, all very much want to get married and raise a family. It seems easier for the boys. My 25 yr old son dated the same girl for most of college. When he broke up with her he tried the dating apps some but was turned off by them. He met a woman who was acting in a community theatre musical he was involved in, and two years later they are about to get married. My 21 yr old son has not been single for any significant amount of time since he was a sophomore in high school. He dated the same girl through most of high school before mutually agreeing to part as they went away to college, then he started dating a girl in the next door suite in the freshman dorm and is still with her 2.5 years later. My 27 year old daughter dated a lot through high school, not much in college. She lives in L.A. and dated some within her theatre friend group initially. Did not date for a few years until a friend set her up with a guy who scared her away by getting serious too quickly. Sheâd love to date again but hates the apps. She tried a speed dating event (which I was proud of her for trying), which she found fun but did not involve the type of men she is looking for. Sheâs the one I worry about, as I know she really wants to find love and have children. If she ever moves home, I think sheâd find someone more easily. Her peers in L.A. donât seem interested in settling down to a long term relationship.
Dating is different than 20-30 years ago, but I wouldnât say more âdifficultâ. There are lots of different issues to breakdown.
For many people, dating apps making dating tremendously easier than in previous generations. In many cases, the app allows people to expand their reach by several orders of magnitudes, connecting with a far larger number of persons than the few eligible singles theyâd meet in their daily routine.
However, the degree of this benefit varies tremendously from one person to the next. For example, a college student might run in to countless eligible singles during their usual routine with dorms, classes, clubs, social events, etc. While an adult living a small suburb who works/lives with persons in a different age or social group might run into hardly any eligible singles in their usual routine.
There is also the issue of âmeaningful relationships.â Some dating apps have become more focused on short-term relationships or hookups. Itâs my understanding Tinder and Grinder fall in this category, although I havenât personally used either. One also has to navigate through fake profiles (including romance scams), persons lying/married, or just generally putting themselves out there with photos that are indented to draw attention. Some attractive women may be inundated with hundreds of messages per day, while some men may get near zero responses contributing to the large messages sent to women noted above. This has led to specialty dating apps trying to combat these issues such as Bumble (woman initiates contact), Coffee and and Bagel (meet through friend connections), or eHarmony (more focused on marriage).
However, I think the primary reason why fewer persons in their 20s and 30s are in a serious relationship or married is not dating apps. Itâs cultural. Women are more likely to have careers and less likely to be homemakers than previous generations Both genders are more likely to attend college than previous generations. All of this contributes to having long term relationships at later ages. There are financial contributions as well. Itâs becoming increasingly difficult for young persons to get a financial start, with many persons still living at home well in to their 20s and sometimes 30s. This delayed start for living independently also contributes to a delayed start for a long term relationship.
If you do some googling you can find a lot of studies regarding the stats for swiping right. I agree that some men may be intimidated by smart women, but there is a lot of evidence out there that women swipe right on men with height, money and a well used gym membership .
My niece is always complaining about not meeting a ânice guyâ. Her specifications are ridiculous.
They met through a mutual friend. He is a serial monogamist, but a disastrous college relationship meant that he put all that on the back burner for many years. He finally started dating again sporadically when he was 26 or 27 and tried the apps but nothing substantive came from them (although he did date a women from a reality TV show before she was on the show!). He hated the apps. He dated a co-worker for a few months when he was 27ish, but he knew that it wasnât serious. He is quite protective of this current relationship â age appropriately so â and doesnât give details like he did previously, but last night he called to talk about the stock market, and that transitioned to talking about this relationship. No plans to move in together or marry, but they clearly are thinking ahead as a couple. On their anniversary, they talked about the previous year and what were their personal and couple goals for the year ahead. He really wants this one to stick, at least he does right now.
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