My ds lived in L.A. for four years. I get the sense that settling down was not a priority for many of his friends - guys or girls. It’s one of the reasons I was curious about the location of your kids. I think living in a metro area makes a difference. Now, some partnered off and chose to live together - but marriage just didn’t seem to be an interest/priority. As I wrote above, his former co-worker has been with his girlfriend for five years and living together for two.
I had higher hopes for ds being in a metro area in Texas. We’ll see. I think women have little interest in marrying unless they want kids. It seems many of them do not.
Young adults are reaching milestones later – delayed marriage, homeownership, having kids. I think more adults will get there, but it’s takng longer in this economic climate. The average age of first-time homebuyers is 38 now; we bought our first house at 27, and we weren’t loaded by any means.
I’ve shared that I think the height thing is a challenge for my 5’9” ds. Objectively, it’s not the money/salary, and I can’t see how it is the educational level. He isn’t a gym bro but he exercises and is in good shape/trim. I am not exaggerating when I say he looks like Keanu Reeves.
To be honest, I don’t know how he does swipe-wise. He does seem to be having more dates now. I don’t think he had the time or inclination while in grad school. And the pool within the graduate school just didn’t pan out as I’d hoped. Very limited as many were already paired up and brought SOs with them. That coupled with unknown dispersing and destinations after graduation made dating less desirable, I think.
It’s hard not to have parental bias, isn’t it? We all think our kids are great. If he didn’t want a SO, that would be fine, but I know he does. I appreciate the commiseration on this thread.
This piece from the Pew Research Center had some interesting data on the topic of online dating, but not necessarily answering your question.
Some of the topics relate to
whether online dating has made the search for a long-term partner or spouse easier (42% say easier, 22% say harder, and 32% say made no difference),
why they’re on a dating site (to meet a long-term partner…42% of men and 48% of women, vs. dating casually, to have casual sex, or to make new friends)
whether they feel overwhelmed by the number of messages received (54% of women/25% of men) or insecure by the lack of messages received (64% of men, 40% of women)
This report from the October-December 2024 issue of International Journal of Clinical and Health Psychology taught me that middle-age is considered 25-50 (I would have guessed 40-60).
In its review of relevant literature to its study, it made these statements and citations:
although men continue to have a higher usage prevalence rate, as well as greater frequency and intensity of use (Castro et al., 2020; Sumter & Vandenbosch, 2019; Weiser et al., 2018) – although the differences are shrinking – women make more selective and effective use of these applications: they accumulate more matches much faster than men, which gives them a greater choice and also more control (Timmermans & Courtois, 2018).
In this study of the middle-aged (25-50), it found that “middle-aged people who use dating apps clearly want to meet people and establish a relationship. These people are at another life stage and probably find it more difficult to meet and relate to people their age than young people” (with young people being university students), though men were still open to having casual sex through any encounters.
The study talks about the amount of time spent on the app, with men spending 76m/day to women’s 37m/day, but nothing about the number of swipes (left or right).
It did reference an article about whether men were intimidated by highly educated women (the answer in the abstract was no):
I tried a Google search and my search terms weren’t pulling up any great results. But an organization of ABA therapists seemed a bit more credible than others, and they posted this:
For men on Tinder, the average match rate stands at a meager 0.6%, equating to one match for every 140 swipes. Women, on the other hand, show a higher match rate at 10%, with one in ten right swipes leading to a match.
So if they’re swiping 140 times, I suspect that they’re not limiting their swipes to only the most conventionally attractive women, but at the moment I don’t have better data to share.
My son had some dates in HS, and had at least one GF during college/soon after. He did online dating for several months the year after college, in search of a a “relationship/LTGF.” I know he at least had single dates with several people, but don’t know the details. I know he was pretty picky (not sure what his criteria was). His now wife moved to a new city right after college, and after much encouragement from a couple of friends, let them create a profile or whatever for her (I’m assuming she had some input). She said she would go on one date and then delete it. Well, it only took one date. I gather they stayed at a coffee shop for HOURS, and never looked back.
I THINK he would have been fine living together for longer than they did, and I know she was “ready” to get married before he was.
My step-d did the dating apps between serious BFs, but nothing worked out for her, and we were less than impressed with some of the guys (we never met them, but the way they treated her wasn’t nice). Her now fiance is someone she knew for many years - friend of friends kind of thing, until someone realized they were both single at the same time and suggested they get together.
I’m just going to say one thing about height. Be honest! When D2 was on the dating apps she said so many of the guys said they were 5’ 11" and they were actually the same height as her (she is just under 5’ 8"). D2 is not opposed to a guy that is only an inch or two taller or shorter. She just wants people to be honest. D2’s bf will not go out with anyone that isn’t at least 6 feet tall so she is limiting herself.
D1 is 5’6" and my SIL is 5’8". My H is 6’2" and our SIL always says he hopes any kids that him and D1 have will get their height from our side of the family!
My best friend is 64 and has never married. She met a truly wonderful man two years ago who will most likely be her life partner. It can happen at any age (and it might never happen, as it never has for my brother, also 64).
D1 met her now-husband at a physics conference. She stopped by his poster and they began talking–about physics. They later went out for coffee and a week later went out to dinner. D1 says it was the best first date she’d ever had. Unfortunately he was moving to Canada for a post doc the next week and she was starting a post-bacc to apply to med school in her hometown. They always kept in touch over the years. She had 2 or 3 serious relationships–all of which crashed and burned spectacularly. He dated a couple of women very seriously, but those relationships didn’t work out in the end. And he moved to Australia for a job. But 8 years after their first date-- he was single; she was single and she decided to go to Australia on vacation before starting her medical residency. He took her to the Sydney Opera House for their second date–and what can I say? He proposed to her 3 months later in Tahiti. It was a 9 year courtship.
D2 had a serious BF in high school, dated a few guys in college. Went to live with her BF after college. (I thought the BF was dud. He was way more into his guy friends and partying than he was into her.) She ended the relationship and went to med school. There she dated a classmate (big mistake), and had another classmate with HUGE crush on her. (He asked her to couple’s Match with him–which is more or less a proposal. She deferred,) She was diagnosed with cancer. Six months post mastectomy & chemo, she decide to get back into dating. I thought she was so brave to try. Dating post cancer is whole other thing. She used dating apps, met a few guys she went out with on a couple of dates. One was a pediatric cancer pharmacist–who was a total bro. Stood her up once to go gamble in Las Vegas with his frat brothers. (She x-ed him from her social calendar. She said if she wanted to date a bro, she’d date one of the ortho residents who were always hitting on her at the hospital because at least the ortho bros make a whole lot more money than a pharmacist…) The next one was a forest ranger who invited her to his cousin’s wedding as their first date. (More than bit odd…) She next swiped on a teaching intern at the high school where she had graduated from. First date was fine. On the second, he saw the final pathology report from her cancer surgery she had stuck on her refrigerator. He asked if she had had breast cancer. She said yes. He was Ok with it. A year later, he left his job to relocate with her when she moved for residency. They got married 4 years later. He’s younger than she is. He’s a PT so he’ll never make as much money as she will–and he’s not at all bothered by it. She didn’t take his last name when they got married–and he’s fine with that because his mother didn’t change her maiden name either. They’re expecting a baby later this year–and he’ll be staying home for the first year to care for the baby because she has to go back to work after 12 weeks.
One of my daughters met her partner at age 29 via the apps.
She had just moved to Buffalo and her now partner found her on two different apps.
The other one met her now fiance on an app the same summer - she was 31, I think? – this was in the Boston area.
The one who is now engaged said she had learning how to drive stick shift on her bucket list, and that caught the eye of my future SIL, as he is a car buff.
I am widowed and now with someone I met on a dating app – luck certainly plays a huge role, as I was only on the app for one month.
D1 kissed so many toads before she found her prince. (D2 did too, but at least her toads didn’t steal money from her, search her phone when she was sleeping or accuse her of sleeping with a professor to get a grade. D1 had BFs who did all of those things.)
Whenever I see someone suggest this was easy for our generation, I am astounded because it was REALLY hard for me and my friends then. Several never married. Lots of dates, lots of weddings of exes, and tons of friends who totally lost a sense of suitability when arranging blind dates. Oh, the book I could write. Or the stand-up comic act I could have had! (That dangerous, edgy sense of humor…
)
Is an app worse than the local bar? Not saying it’s easy for kids today, but let’s not romanticize how easy it was back in the day - especially for ambitious, high-achieving gals. There are a lot more of those today!
My daughter, now 29, married at 27, dated a lot through high school in Brooklyn and college in Rochester, NY. A little less during the two years she worked there after graduation until she moved to a small city about 1.5 hours north of NYC for med school. As far as I know, she used apps from graduation on, which is how she met her wonderful husband. Trust me when I say that she dated some duds along the way. She had at least two or three relationships in med school that lasted several months. She lived with her husband for around two years before they married. I think they were both pretty sure they had found their soulmates shortly after they met.
I am thrilled that she did what I never managed to do–I adopted her as a single parent.
She used to laugh at me when I asked her how she met whoever she was dating.
My son is gay and it has taken him a while to find his person. He was raised in the south with very few ‘out’ people and never felt he belonged here. He did go to MA for collage as we all thought that MA would be more welcoming than ours. He wasn’t interested in hooking up and wanted to find a partner in life, he never found anyone in person to date. He did try online dating and had 2 very brief attempts at 4-6 weeks each until he found his current bf at age 26. They have now been together for 4.5 years and lived together for 3 years. They seem very happy together, sadly they will probably never have enough money to buy a house in the Boston area so may be long term renters. They have discussed kids and a dog.
Try having a kid who is on the spectrum. My S24 has never been on a date. Im thinking matchmaker one day😔. My D26 has had lots of relationships. Funny thing is that she friend zones the guys until her current BF came along . She met him IRL at a pickleball event! Who know what the future holds. Not her typical type.
My son found a girlfriend on a dating app at age 37 and has been living with her for a year and a half.
My middle one, daughter, did dating apps with men for a few years, and had one long relationship, but has finally found an easy, happy relationship with a woman- a revelation at age 34. Met on an app. They don’t live together yet but are headed in that direction. This has been truly life-changing.
My youngest is non-binary as is their partner, and they have been living together for4 years. Also met on an app.
I adore all of these partners and am grateful for that!
I think COVID and work from home lifestyle have definitely increased difficulties for young people looking for relationship. So much is online.
Financial challenges are a factor for sure. One of mine wants kids and in mid-30’s is starting to make decisions with that as a priority.
One other thing: I was surprised by a few posts that said in-law family stability was important. I don’t think my kids would judge anyone based on their potential partner’s family. However homophobia, however subtle, in one set of potential n-laws has been a problem.
(I would have guessed 40-60).
We, of course, raised him to be honest. Hopefully, he is!