I think the moral of this story is there is more than one way to meet someone and there is more than one trait or virtue to look for when considering someone to date. And I say date because I often think where some fail is they are not looking for a date, but a significant other - too big a leap and investment in the beginning!!!
Maybe one of the solutions is that young adults look at where they are spending their time. Get out in the community and pursue interests other than work and being on your phone. If religion is really important to you, become involved in church activities. If fitness is important to you look for group hikes or running groups.
I think dating apps are fine and I support them. Both my daughters have used them and one is married via a (short!) guy she met online and the other is in a year long relationship with a sweet guy.
D2 has spent the past couple of months getting out and doing new things. She joined a walking group, a book club and is volunteering at the food bank. She also started going to some events sponsored by a womenâs group and has already met a couple of really nice women she has done some things with outside of planned events. One of the ladies invited D2 to a baseball game and she met the womanâs brother and some of his friends there. D2 was invited by someone in the group she met at the game to a barbecue later this month. D2 said she feels good expanding her social group and meeting some new people.
As an aside the ex that D2 dated 3 years ago has started hitting her up saying he is now ready for a relationship. D2 said that even 6 months ago she probably would have gone out with him again, but now she said she has no longer has any interest. I think D2 is making some great progress!
I am 5â8â or 5â9â. My first husband was 6â.
My current husband is shorter than I am by a couple of inches. He says I would not have looked at him when I was in college. Heâs probably not wrong.
Whatâs important to us when we are in our 20s and single is often very different than whatâs important to us later in life.
I totally agree with the comment about it helps to be able to get to know someone - then looks, height, etc. arenât so important. But initially, itâs just the exterior you have to judge by.
I have found with myself (decades ago before I met and married DH) and with my 20-30 year old kids another important aspect of finding a significant other is within oneself. By this I mean that one has to learn who they are as a person and what they do and do not want in a partner. Specifically, for some people it takes time to figure out what is important and how they want to be treated.
I donât give much advice to my adult kids (unless asked) but I do see that when they are in a happy place and know themselves well, they are more likely to find a healthy partner. Many times when they are happy and fulfilled alone within their own lives, they find a person who adds to their fulfillment. Rather than a significant other who is needed to feel fulfilled.
Some stats on dating filters for menâs height (from another app a few years ago): less than 6ft is too short for most, more than 6ft6 is too tall for some (of course this is only amongst those women who care enough to set a filter):
Strangely, given all the talk about women seeking high income men, a lot seem to rule out 7ft+ men when thereâs a decent chance of those men being an NBA player. But probably an even greater chance of them just being a compulsive (and not very plausible) liar.
I read this article this weekend and thought it was interesting.
I wasnât sure if this should go under the relationship or problem with boys thread.
When Covid hit my sonâs junior year in high school and the spring tournament season was canceled and school on zoom became the norm, many athletic kids suddenly found themselves for the first time they could remember with free time and were able to choose friends outside of their teammates. Maybe the over emphasis on sports and teammates leave boys with a lot of acquaintances but without close friends.
I said earlier on this thread that D2 has really been working hard this year on meeting some new female friends and cultivating those friendships.
Last Saturday D2 had a trifecta party day. She had a brunch in the early afternoon for a family friendâs D, then she came with us to a baseball game where my company hosted a suite and after the game she Uberâd to one of her new female friends homes for a barbecue.
D2 is very outgoing and friendly and can talk to anyone. One of the men that she met at the barbecue got her number and asked her out on a date. D2 enjoyed talking to him, but was not interested in going on a date. She said she felt bad turning him down, but at this point in her life she is not going to go out and lead anyone on when she really isnât interested. I am glad that she is able to speak up for what she wants.
Apparently the marriage rate for high earning women has grown consistently over last couple of decades (also the enormous differences for men highlight the importance of income for them to find a partner). Assortative mating is presumably part of the explanation.
Most of my kidsâ friends ended up marrying someone they met through dating app as did my relativesâ kids. I think the people who relied on dating apps are those who work long hours and donât have time to join hobbie groups.
I used to read wedding announcements in NYT and I believe Starbucks founder Howard Schultzâs daughter also met her husband through a dating app.
S2 is 6â4". He felt it didnât particularly help him in the dating process because heâs also solidly built and he knows that can feel intimidating to women when they are just starting to date. OTOH, his height was a huge plus for DIL. Sheâs 6â and in a very male-dominant culture, it made it hard to date. She loves that she can still rock her heels and not tower over him (S wouldnât care if she did). They met on Tinder. His hair and beard were wild, but she could tell he was kind and they synced on lots of other interests. (He now looks much less scruffy. Sometimes a GF can work magic a mom just canât.)
My older S is 5â11" and has never faked being 6â. Doesnât care. Heâs a great dance partner, which women have found to be an unusual and much-appreciated talent.
My daughter joined Hinge last month and had unexpected good success right of the bat. It has been a nice ego boost for her which I think she really needed.
She also made a very interesting comment that she felt less pressure on the dating app than when meeting people through friends or activities. She feels like she can be 100% authentic and not worry about other people judging her when they are getting to know each other. If she doesnât click with someone right away, itâs totally painless to move on to the next person because theyâll never see each other again.
Yes, you can set a specific radius on Hinge but their tag line is the âapp that is designed to be deletedâ. Lots of personality based questions that are supposed to help you find a long term match. Whatever algorithm they are using seems to have worked well for my daughter.
