My D (at barely 22) is pretty good at long-term relationships. She began a close friendship with a boy when only in 6th grade that gradually morphed into an old-fashioned sort of sweetheart thing that lasted throughout high school. They hoped to keep it going, but…the typical story of far-flung colleges. Nice, smart kid…he never caused her a moment of pain…but they were too, too young. I wanted her to experience the world.
I visited her in fall of her freshman year in college and took several of her new dorm friends with us to a restaurant. Among them was a sparky young man I just had a feeling about. I just felt he would be the next “one” and I was right, though it took six months or so before they were officially dating. I really like this young man and even though I still think, ideally, she is too young to commit to anyone, I would have been happy enough if it had worked out. He is bright , ambitious and kind and has multiple interests, Alas, he went through a number of personal struggles last fall (don’t want to say too much) and broke up with her this winter. She kind of saw it coming but has been heartbroken nonetheless. Fortunately she has some great apartment-mates, close friends and a strong future career direction to keep her going.
However, I do know she would like to find “her” person soon, even if she doesn’t actually marry for a few years. She tells me she’s a little worried about this, and bemoans the state of dating for people out of college. She would take this former boyfriend back in a heartbeat if, after some time apart to figure things out, they grew back together. She likes stability and having a few good people in her life. An only child and transracial adoptee with little extended family, she really wants a child or two (she has never known what it is like to be biologically related to anyone, though she is close with her dad and with me). We are much older parents and she does fear the idea of being alone in the world. I also know she wants her future children to be able to know their grandparents…(she is 22 and I am almost 68!) She will be going to law school in the fall and knows she will have years of long, grinding work days in which it would be difficult to raise a child. She’s also really dreading being in her late twenties or thirties and having few options except the dreaded dating apps. In other words, she is feeling she doesn’t have the luxury of spending years exploring possibilities in the world, as I did.
I know we say that young men are really struggling, but young women who know they want a stable marriage, biological children and a professional career have a lot to juggle and worry about in ways that young men just don’t.
Increasingly, law schools and graduate business schools, for example, prefer to admit students with a few years of professional work experience under their belts. Law schools have been getting more competitive each year in the last five years or so and prior work experience is becoming an almost expected critical part of the application. GPA and LSAT medians are going up and up as well. I tried to convince my D to get a year or two of work experience before applying, but nope, she wasn’t having it. It is kind of a miracle that she DID get accepted to a great school before even graduating from college, as applications were up nationwide about 20%this year over last year and next year is expected to increase a good bit more, as many federal workers are forced out of their jobs…some of these are projected to apply to law school…but I digress).
I know a good deal of my daughter’s sense of urgency to go straight through is the high-pressure combination of the biological time clock and entering a profession that will take years to train and to reach a level where she can (hopefully) command some flexibility and choices. Young men can take two, three, four, five years to explore jobs, switch careers, go to graduate/professional school later, build a career, find a woman who is a few years younger and become a dad in their late thirties or forties if they wish, and of course, young women who are ambivalent about children (or like me, would be happy to adopt) can take their time.
I am more optimistic about this for her than she is though! She’s a pretty good judge of character, and fortunately, her future law school happens to be on a big campus with a business school next door and lots of other graduate programs. It’s located in a college town that is really all about the university, so everyone won’t be dispersing into an urban jungle or commuter city after classes. I think there will be lots and lots of bright and friendly young adults around who will want to meet others, and ways to meet organically, just as in undergrad. I don’t think she’ll have to worry too much about dating apps for at least the next three years and hopefully, by then, she’ll have found her person.