<p>Hubby and I have a small dilemma and I would wecome insights or suggestions. Here’s the background: our next door neighbors have a son the same age as ours who is in the same grade in school. My husband takes the kids to school half the year and the other father does it the rest of the year. My husband picks up the other father every day after he (my husband) leaves work and they pick up the kids together and my husband drives them home. The wife and I both have commutes, the other father doesn’t work outside the home.</p>
<p>The mother told me that her son is pre-diabetic and has been visiting doctors, nutritionists, etc. very frequently lately. Missed an incredible amount of school. He was always slightly chubby, but not too much. In the last year he has gained so much weight that he is now obese. So heavy that his facial features are blurred and he has trouble getting around.</p>
<p>When the mother told us about his health concerns, she mentioned that she believes that following the nutritionists’ advice and getting him more active will solve the problem, which makes sense. She has a good handle on it. However, my husband was puzzled and asked her if they were trying to get him more active, why the husband didn’t let the son play in the schoolyard after school. There is organized and supervised play for about an hour every day, but her son never participates. My husband drives the neighbors home and then brings our son back to play. The mother was appalled that this was going on and told her husband to let the son play. That has never happened and we haven’t gotten further involved.</p>
<p>Yesterday was field day and my husband was one of the chaperones. It’s a big deal with lots of activities and a barbeque. My husband watched their son (he’s pretty close to him and cares about him a lot) and came home upset because the kid hid in the corner and didn’t participate in a single activity, no matter how much people tried to persuade him. Then when the food was served (hot dogs, burgers, chicken, salad, fries), the neighbor lined up but veered off at the end and didn’t get any actual food. What he did was go through the ice cream buffet twice and absolutely load up on ice cream. My husband is very worried about this kid’s health and wants to say something to the mother because his pleading to the father to get the kid active has fallen on deaf ears. I’ve got mixed feelings. My inclination is mind our own business, but this is a serious health issue and the other parents weren’t there, so probably the mom does need to know. But I’m worried that this will create conflict between the parents. The mother is adamant that if the father is the at-home parent he should take this seriously and get the kid moving toward better health, but that’s not happening and I don’t necessarily want my husband to be the one to tell her.</p>
<p>IMO, you should tell the mom. The mom seems to have been receptive the first time and obviously cares about the health of her child. She deserves to know that her husband isn’t doing jack to help out. </p>
<p>The health of this child is much more important than any conflict it may cause with parents. Diabetes is nothing to leave to chance. I have many diabetics in my family and it is a terrible, terrible disease. </p>
<p>Please, please, please tell the mom. It isn’t this child’s fault that the dad doesn’t want to help, and as I said before, the mom deserves to know what is really going on. She wants her child healthy and probably assumes the husband is trying to help, but that is obviously not the case.</p>
<p>Thank you. The whole situation breaks my heart. I realized that I didn’t mention the child’s age. He is ten. And the other wildcard is that the father is (literally) stinking drunk every day when the dads pick up the kids. My daughter occasionally picks them up and doesn’t want to be in the car with him because of the smell. In any case, the medical and nutritional advice isn’t getting through.</p>
<p>Oh boy, that puts a new perspective on things! </p>
<p>Absolutely tell the mom! This father is certainly guilty of neglect and the mother has a right to know and to get her son the help he needs instead of trusting a neglectful father to do the right thing. It’s sickening to be honest. As I said before, no one should ever let their child go down the path to diabetes. IMO, it’s borderline child abuse to not help his son in this case (for the father to not help I mean).</p>
<p>I once told a friend of mine (through a well thought out letter) that I suspected her SO was emotionally abusing her elementary school aged son. There were many, many reasons I believed it and it took me hours to compose the letter.</p>
<p>I thought about it long and hard and knew that it would affect the friendship but, in the end, I figured it was worth it.</p>
<p>Several days later, the SO was out of the house and Mom & sons moved out of the immediate neighborhood the following year but withiin the same school district. I know her son was much better behaved & showed significant signs of being better adjusted. It seemed the results were almost instantaneous. </p>
<p>The Mom and I are cordial when we meet. She has never acknowledged the letter I wrote. To me - it was worth the loss of the friendship to save that kid’s emotional well-being. I am thankful that it worked out the way it did.</p>
<p>Well my husband does the driving and the father is never drunk when he walks the kids in the morning. He’s also an incredibly nice guy who, I think, has a problem. He wasn’t like this before he stopped working. My concern is that I don’t want to interfere in someone else’s marriage.</p>
<p>Zooser is your husband open to talking to the mom? Afterall, he is the one who witnessed what happened on Field Day. Sometimes a man can make a bigger impression on another woman…not perceived as being so nosey. Is there anyway you or your husband could help her spouse find some job leads so that he is not drowning himself in the bottle constantly. Maybe refer him or give his wife some helpful job-sites, support networks and the like. Perhaps the boy is reacting to Dad’s behavior and is physically manifesting with the weight gain and the wallflower behavior.</p>
<p>Is it possible your husband could get the young man interested in some healthy activity? Maybe he and the two boys could go for walks and kick a ball around together? It would probably do him well to get out of the house, have another adult role model to talk to, get outside and get some sunshine and healthy activity.</p>
<p>I see all of your other points and I am with you! but about the food at the picnic? My two cents.</p>
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<p>If the chicken was skinless and broiled or grilled, it would have been a healthy choice, but honestly, hot dogs, burgers, fries, and typical picnic salads (cole slaw, potato salad, lettuce salad with regular salad dressing) are not healthy food that I would encourage a kid eat…</p>
<p>So hard to feed kids healthy food when they are out and about…</p>
<p>^^^ But they’re better than ice cream. Twice.</p>
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<p>If the man as an adult, I’m sure he knows about resources such as these. You can lead a horse to water, and a man to networking sites, but in the end it’s up to him to use them or not. (How do you like that mangled metaphor?)</p>
It was grilled, and my husband (who is working very hard to eat healthy food) said that the salads were excellent (not the typical mayo-based things).</p>
<p>Cherryhillmomto2, my husband drives both boys and the father. The father doesn’t have a driver’s license. He walks both boys to school in the morning and I see him and know that he’s never had the smell of alcohol at that time. His wife is still at home, so he’s not doing that!</p>
<p>My husband has tried valiantly (he really cares about the kid and has the problem-solving mentality) to get the kid active, but he won’t leave his father’s side and the father won’t stay out of the house beyond picking him up. It’s become a vicious cycle because he’s becoming less and less able to be active as he gets heavier.</p>
<p>The dad is jobless by choice. He has a particular skill and experience that’s very much still in demand.</p>
<p>I’m fairly confident that the mother would be receptive to whomever spoke to her (my husband would be best, but I see her and hubby doesn’t), but I also know she’d go ballistic and the marriage is precarious. They’ll be going to middle school in the fall and I’m worried (aside from the health issues) that being so large will put a target on the boy’s back. He’s a lovely, lovely boy but his dad keeps him so isolated that he’s seriously lacking in social skills as well.</p>
<p>It sounds like the dad wasn’t at the field day, just your husband.</p>
<p>I think I’d lean toward your husband telling the wife he saw the kid eating tons of ice cream and was really concerned about him but didn’t know if he would be overstepping the lines to tell the kid to stop. He could ask what she would like him to do if the situation ever occurs again. I’d follow that with offering to help in any way to aid with their efforts to implement the suggested activity plan of the nutritionist, and see how she responds.</p>
<p>Oh 2blue, that’s good advice! The mom has told us personally about his medical issues, so that’s not gossip or anything. It would be brilliant for my husband to present it as ASKING her how to proceed because he’s going to be the chaperone on another trip in a few weeks where food will be available!</p>