Disappointed in family

@PennyS , I don’t know why, but I have been thinking about you and your niece. First of all, she is really lucky to have you – aunts can fill that special “mom/adult friend without the parent baggage” role, and it sounds like you’ve taken that on in spades!

I pretty much agree with what everyone here has said – if she doesn’t do the work, she’ll bear the consequences, and that could be a great learning experience. Getting a major ding on a grade at this age has no real ramifications in life. And if she doesn’t wear the uniform/dress code outfit, both she and her parents will get a call. BUT – and this is a big BUT – this is a kid who didn’t feel confident going to her “regular” school who will be going to a new school at a vulnerable age (yikes – middle school girls!) and whose parents are not committed to supporting her but to bad-mouthing the school when things go wrong. To me, letting her fail right out of the gate sounds like it could be the set up for a very bad year! It sounds like she is going to suffer because she is being encouraged to ignore the requirements by her parents, not because she is an obstinate girl who on principle is refusing to do the work.

I think you could do her a real service by helping her understand the lay of the land – it’s always important to read all the instructions, you need to know when things are due, in having made the choice to attend this school you have agreed to their rules whether you agree with them or not, first impressions matter, and the habits that she creates now are the ones she can tweak to be a successful student in middle and high school. She’s at an age where she needs to be responsible for her own work and when it’s inappropriate to blame others when things go wrong. She is also at an age where she may be embarrassed to be the only one who is inappropriately dressed and who is called out for not doing her work. How much better it would be for her to feel good about her new school and to feel excited about this fresh start and doing well!

You could help her come up with a good way to organize (I love many of the suggestions in the book “That Crumpled Piece of paper was due last week) and make it fun by going to buy those organizing supplies (if her school doesn’t provide them.) Her first task can be figuring out a plan to get through the summer book. (And again, I agree that the objective is to simply get it done rather than to do a crackerjack job. ) If you two are close, and it sounds like you are, perhaps she could spend a long weekend with you before school starts to do some of the work (the last few papers?), go shopping for supplies, get some dress code clothes, etc., and then going forward, perhaps you could get together (even by skype) once or twice a week to help her keep up the organizing discipline and address any academic issues. Framed as “I know you can do great in your new school” from her “coach”, you could be a real boost of confidence for her.

I would guess that she’ll have classmates who get a lot of monitoring and help from their parents, so having you there for her could be terrific. This is a tricky age, and it won’t help if she starts seeing herself as someone who “doesn’t get along with school”. But I think your success will have to be with her directly, not with her parents, and you are going to need to persuade her of why she needs to do the right thing and then help her find enthusiasm for that path…

That is very kind of you Gardenstategal. I’m definitely going to try to be a good influence, though I will also try not to be a busybody. I realize she is not my child but I still really want the best for her!

This is just my opinion, so I know it holds no real value.
I think you should leave well enough alone. The parents have been quite open about what is expected from the school and what is expected from both themselves and their daughter.
It’s not that they can’t afford a uniform, they don’t want to buy it. They don’t see the assignment as mandatory and they don’t want to be bothered helping your niece with her schoolwork. Whether they are right or wrong is not the question. I think it’s wonderful of you to be concerned and want to help your neice with her assignment and school uniform, I truly do. But, I think in continuing to press the point and go against the express wishes of the parents is wrong because I think it pressures your neice to take sides. If she allows you to help her with her assignment and buy her uniforms knowing full well her parents are against it, she may, in some way, feel quilty because she knows her parents won’t like it.

As many others have pointed out, this will all come to a head when school starts.

I would tell my SIL and BIL how you and the rest of the family feels about the situation. At the same time you could offer help to your neice but preface it with “if it’s ok with your parents”.

I was in a similar situation with my neice and her mom (my sister). Trust me. Back off now before they pull out the “Parent Card”. It doesn’t matter if they are right or wrong. It’s their decision.

I am sympathetic to your situation, but I really don’t think that you or anyone else should buy clothes for the poor kid against her parents’ expressed wishes.

I think it was absolutely fine to help her, given that she asked for you to do so. I think that at this point you should just advise her to finish the book and turn out something for each part of the assignment, and not worry too hard about whether it is her best work.

These parents are … well, I shoudn’t say it. But the fact that they would DELIBERATELY sabotage their daughter’s school experience is disgusting. What she is most likely to learn from this is that her parents are fools and liars who don’t care much about her welfare if it involves any effort at all on their part.

" What she is most likely to learn from this is that her parents are fools and liars who don’t care much about her welfare if it involves any effort at all on their part."

I’m hoping not but be close. Every kid needs a life line.