<p>I actually think I learned to make my bed in my dorm room. There was literally no place else to sit down except the hard, wooden, uncomfortable desk chair. So if I was going to lounge on the bed, it was comfier if I pulled up the sheets and comforter and stacked the pillows against the wall.</p>
<p>Another trigger for tidying can be when you are a professional going to work. If you dump your skirt or slacks on the floor at the end of the day, you can’t wear them again (too wrinkled). And it is a hassle to wash (or dry clean - kaching!) again. So it is easier to hang it up.</p>
<p>Another trigger can be if you are a busy working couple and you decide to have someone come in to clean your place cuz no one wants to do bathrooms, and you have some extra income. The cleaning person can’t clean if there is too much stuff lying around… for that matter, neither can you. Vacuuming and dusting are a ton easier if stuff is picked up and put away. It is exhausting to pick up AND clean all at once, I think. So… putting away as you go helps make the other chores easier. Don’t really want to know if you never vacuum/sweep/mop/dust, though… TMI. :)</p>
<p>Baby steps… I am still not the tidiest person on the planet, but the difference between 20 and 50 for me is huge. And I think it is for many people.</p>
<p>I haven’t waded thru all of this, but everyone likes a clean space. I’d ask the S/D if they needed some help. Maybe it’s too overwhelming a task, but with help anything can be accomplished.</p>
<p>Both my kids are horrible slobs. I haven’t walked inside their rooms since midway through high school, and the doors stay shut, because what I don’t see doesn’t bother me. They have all the cleaning supplies and equipment available to use whenever they want, and they know I’m willing to help them figure out how to tackle tidying and cleaning. If their disorganization makes them late for something, they bear the consequences of being late (and remarkably, neither has ever been late for a paying job). They were made responsible for their own laundry by freshman year of high school, which occasionally meant wearing something damp because they forgot to put in it the dryer until 15 minutes before they had to leave the house, and more than occasionally wearing underwear turned inside out. Having fewer things to berate kids about is very helpful.</p>
<p>I was not always as neat as I am now. The phrase that solved the problem for me was, “have a place for everything.” Now it is easy to keep neat because everything in the room has its assigned place (I mean in a general sense), so I know what to do with it rather than throw it on a chair.</p>
<p>Neat people do not necessarily spend any time cleaning. They just put things back where they belong, which really doesn’t take much longer than dropping them on the floor.</p>
<p>Oh gosh, he sounds so typically infuriating. You are missing one important aspect of boyness…they just don’t care. Nothing you do will make them care. That being said, since you pay for the clothes, etc., you have a certain interest in their care, and it’s unkind for sons to just ignore things that upset other household members. </p>
<p>So. Once a week, I say “tomorrow you need to spend 60 minutes picking up your room. When would you like to do that” and he would pick a time and I would make sure it happened and set the timer. Until it does, there’s nothing else. No homework, no car, no nothing. I did not negotiate or have the conversation where they whine and promise and I fume and rant. What moms say they want is a clean room, but what we want is for THEM to want a clean room, and that may not ever happen. The compromise is to be clear about what you want, understanding of his limitations, and grateful when he complies. And then let it go. Shut the door the other 6 days and 23 hours. </p>
<p>I say this after years of trying every gimmicky thing that has been mentioned in this thread. (Nobody brought up the ol’ stick the clothes in the freezer, though!) Accept that it just isn’t important. They’d rather have you do it. They’d rather wear the same thing. And kids with exec. function issues (S1 is ADD) are nearly incapable of ordering a room. I would set a timer, and say “just pick up one thing, and put it away. And then pick something else up. Give me your phone. I’ll come back every 15 minutes to be impressed by your work”. This has worked for us better than anything else for both my sons. When the job is a big one, I will make popcorn, bring them a drink, and we turn music on really loud.</p>
<p>Also, in some quarters, being messy is a sign of a weird form of masculinity…especially the rebellious kind. </p>
<p>The latter was quite commonplace in most male dorms I’ve visited on other college campuses…sometimes including plates with 3-4 day old remnants of meals and with some frathouses/fratty dorms I’ve visited…rats running to and fro. </p>
<p>Also, several male friends stubbornly insisted my post-college roommate in a past living situation was female because his room was not only immaculately neat, but also color coordinated. Only the timely appearance of the roommate in question finally quelled that thought. The jaw-dropped looks on their faces were priceless. :D</p>
<p>Personally, I thought my friends were a bit weird or maybe it’s something common in many New England/NYC area suburbs/rural area boys.</p>
<p>Taking a deep breath, seeking perspective on CC and time helped settle me down. You are all right - it is my problem more than his. As my son tells me “he is not a girl.” I picked him up from practice and we talked. He agreed that he will not ask me to buy him new clothes unless his room his picked up. He also agreed that when the cleaning ladies come and his room is too much of a mess to clean, he will pay me $10 (which is a little less than the amount I pay the cleaning ladies for his portion of the house). </p>
<p>I’m not backing down on the clothes I have bagged, but I offered to help him clean what’s left in his room and sort through his clothes that are currently bagged. He’s trying in school and he is basically a good kid. This was a battle of wits and I had a hard time losing. Rather than fight with him, we can discuss our arrangement. My girls were so much easier - they could be bribed/guilted into almost anything. S just doesn’t care enough about anything. Oddly, he’d be mortified if the house was messy, but has no problem bringing his guy friends to his disgusting room! Thank you CCers for the perspective.</p>
<p>I should have typed “he is not one of the girls” meaning he is not the same as his sisters and I shouldn’t expect the same. That offer probably has more to do with overall expectations. It feels better to know I can just avoid his room and control what I do. </p>
<p>Sometimes CC is the best place for advice. I couldn’t think of a single IRL friend who would have been able to relate to this issue but it’s helpful to know I’m not alone. Thank you!</p>
<p>I agree - messy rooms are clearly a non-gender issue. One of my D’s was similarly messy to my S (and in college has become much neater) but she didn’t put up such a battle about everything. Upon reflection, this was more a battle of wills and my frustration with him not caving. He is a good kid, definitely still maturing and I need to think carefully when I draw battle lines.</p>
<p>@rominggypsies – thank you for the compliment, but I confess that I arrived at all that wisdom after years of screaming, ranting, threatening, crying, enabling…I’m not sure why exactly it made me so crazy, but thank God I had an epiphany at some point :)</p>
<p>The original post is #3. Some people (including me) had problems with our posts being recorded as an earlier time for about a day or so. The problem is fixed now.</p>
<p>I agree it’s not a “boy/girl” thing, although there’s certainly the stereotype that it is. Even as an adult, I struggle to keep my home clean. When I was a teenager, my mother did harry me to keep my room clean, and I did, but it never permanently altered my tendency to just sort of . . . drop things on the floor. I was born without the “clean gene”, I guess. Two of my siblings are extremely neat, the third (also female) is fairly messy.</p>
<p>I still don’t care about whether the bed is made or not; I toss and turn my sleep so it’s going to end up messy the next day anyway. I just care whether the bedclothes are clean (washed) or not.</p>