Ever since starting my first my first semester at a top university, I’ve been feeling a conflict between listening to my heart and staying busy and productive. I’ve been reflecting a lot on who I really am. On one side, I see myself as a kind and vulnerable person, someone who feels deeply and empathizes easily. But there’s also another side of me, a driven, ambitious, energetic self who constantly aims for the best and pushes hard toward success. These two parts of me often feel like they’re in conflict. When I’m in my ambitious mode, I become highly focused, almost mechanical. I chase goals relentlessly, but in doing so, I tend to suppress my emotions. I lose touch with empathy, self-love, and even simple joy. It’s like I’m functioning as a machine that values achievement above everything else. But when I shift to my more emotional, heart-centered side, I feel kind and connected to others, yet I lose my motivation and drive. This version of me feels peaceful but also too vulnerable, maybe even unproductive. It’s almost like one version could lead me to a Manhattan penthouse but feeling burned out, while the other might make me a content, empathetic person with no ambition, just someone enjoying small moments and being alive. This inner conflict creates a lot of anxiety. The “perfectionist” side of me feels safer, it gives me control and purpose, but it disconnects me from feeling human. The emotional side teaches me to slow down, to appreciate life and relationships, but it also makes me fear that I’ll lose my edge or become too soft. What I really want is to integrate both sides. I want the passion, focus, and fire of my ambitious self, but I also want the empathy, kindness, and connection that come from my heart. I want to be successful and human; strong but not emotionless; driven but still capable of love and vulnerability. Right now, I just feel torn between these identities. I don’t want to give up either, but I don’t yet know how to make them coexist in a healthy, sustainable way. Sometimes I feel like my past self would see my current self as a disappointment. I used to be so tough, focused, and unshakable, and now I feel “softer,” more emotional, more easily affected by things. It makes me wonder: Why have I become this way? Maybe it’s because my heart has always been soft, but I learned to live under a strong outer skin, one that protected me, but also disconnected me from myself. Or maybe my heart is both soft and strong at the same time, gentle, yet resilient. Perhaps these two qualities aren’t opposites at all, but different expressions of the same truth. I’m starting to think that strength doesn’t mean being hard, and softness doesn’t mean being weak. Maybe the real balance I’m searching for is the ability to hold both to be open-hearted and kind, but still driven and determined. I don’t want to go back to my past self, the version of me who was obsessed with success, who faced every challenge head-on and never allowed himself to feel weak. That version of me was strong, unshakable, and always ready to fight back. But I also don’t fully recognize my current self. Lately, I feel softer, more emotional, more focused on my inner world. It’s strange, sometimes I even feel small, like a boy standing among stronger boys, or like I’ve lost the edge that once defined me. In the past, I would say “■■■■ it” and fight through anything. Now, I find myself thinking and feeling more than acting. It’s like I’ve shifted from being all strength to being all sensitive, and I don’t know exactly what I’ve become. I don’t want to be the old version who ignores his heart, but I also don’t want to lose that fire, that unbreakable energy. What I want is to find a new version of myself, one who can be both strong and soft, ambitious and self-aware, someone who can fight when needed but still feel deeply.
Is there a question/are you looking for advice?
FWIW, it’s ok/‘normal’ to have the conflicts you elucidated. I expect you will be ‘managing’ your behaviors and emotions your entire life. At certain points in time your emotions/sentivities might be dominant, at other times your ambition will be. They can all co-exist. It’s great you have this self-awareness at this point in your life.
That piece you submitted is extremely well written. Very high level stuff. I’m so impressed to see you exploring self-knowledge at this level. You are entering a new developmental stage, an opportunity which only comes with a certain level of maturation.
Perhaps you are defining your life’s work. I don’t see the two aspects on which you are reflecting as being in conflict. The fact that you are becoming aware of them means that you are now ready to figure out how to integrate the two. That will take time. You must be patient and not force yourself to choose one or the other. Allow them both just to be.
I don’t know what you went off to college to major in. Whatever your intent, you may want to reevaluate it. You have been given a gift with this new level of awareness. As you unwrap it, see if this informs your choices about how you want to spend your time in life. What kind of life do you want to have? Why are you here? Now.
I was going to say the same thing as @Bill Marsh. This conflict seems to be the result of a new stage of maturity. Human development can consist of conflict, resolution, conflict, resolution etc. at every stage of life. I am in my 70’s and experiencing a conflict between stability and adventure!
You are seeing this as two extremes, very black and white. Ambition doesn’t have to be for a penthouse, and living with “softer” values doesn’t mean no ambition. Conflicts are hard but the quality of your writing and thinking process would seem to indicate you will resolve this.
In academics, maybe explore some different areas. Try to remain open to a little “wise wandering” and uncertainty. Too much certainty about future plans can sometimes interfere with opportunities to grow. Good luck! (Oh and don’t be afraid to talk to a therapist- can be helpful even for healthy folks.)
There are lots of highly successful people who are also incredibly kind, generous and empathetic. This is not a binary choice.