<p>My oldest daughter may become engaged to be married sometime this year.</p>
<p>A few questions come to mind:</p>
<li><p>What is an acceptable amount to spend on a wedding?</p></li>
<li><p>Should we offer them a lump sum in lieu of a large wedding?</p></li>
<li><p>General pitfalls to avoid as parents…what is your advice for us?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Don’t let your daughter watch any of the TV Bride shows!</p>
<p>Too late. D2 loves those shows. I remind them we’re not spending $50+K on a wedding. They certainly can, but Dad’s too cheap. ;)</p>
<p>It seems like the bride and groom take on a lot more of the responsibilities and expenses now vs. the “old days” when the bride’s family seemed to pay. I’d much rather have the $ to put towards a downpayment on a house or apartment than an over-the-top wedding. Everyone’s different, though.</p>
<p>I think the biggest pitfall is letting emotions outweigh common sense when it comes to wedding expense (yes, I had a really cheap wedding 25 years ago,lol). I have seen some really extravegant ones at our church lately and some really small ones that were just as sweet, imo.</p>
<p>Maybe you and your H should have a discussion before D ever gets involved and decide together what you think is a reasonable amount to spend. Then she will have a clear picture of what she has to work with. What is acceptable cost to some people will probably be totally out of the ballpark for others.<br>
Do you know the future groom’s family well? Any idea what their expectations will be?</p>
<p>how old is D. We paid for our own wedding 20 years ago, does D expect you to pay for everything? do you have other children? </p>
<p>I would suggest a lump sum IF you are even thinking of paying for anything</p>
<p>Strange tradiition</p>
<p>Oops - I’m the H. (lol) We may discuss from time to time who wears the pants (trousers) in our family, but we’ve generally agreed I’m the male. ;)</p>
<p>Two daughters - D1 is almost 22. D2 is almost 19.</p>
<p>Remind her that the MARRIAGE is what is most important.</p>
<p>P2N, I think the main rule is: don’t spend so much on the wedding that it jeapordizes the marriage! (Yours’ or the kids’) 
Congrats on the nuptuals, BTW.</p>
<p>Though my family has a love of big elaborate weddings, I don’t see anything wrong with offering the kids the cash instead. It’s very generous of you either way.</p>
<p>As far as pitfalls…one thing to keep in mind is that from a functional perspective, the purpose of the wedding is to cement the relationship with the other family and get it off to a good start. So what you do has to be comfortable for them as well even if your side is paying for everything.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I think this really depends on your family finances as well as the desires, values, and expectations of your daughter and her future husband. Cost will depend very much on whether the couple desires a small, intimate wedding or a large, ornate production. Do they want the wedding somewhere free, such as the beautiful backyard of you or a family friend, or at a country club? These things make all the difference. In many cases today, the parents of the groom help pay for the wedding. This is seen especially in cases where the groom’s family is financially better off than the bride’s family. As has been mentioned, it is not uncommon today for the couple to pay for the wedding, at least in part. You should talk about expectations together.</p></li>
<li><p>I do think that it would be very appropriate for you to make this offer. You know your daughter. If she would take offense to the suggestion, then you should probably avoid it, but if she tends to be practically minded, she may really appreciate the opportunity to put money aside for a car, a home, home furnishings, or even the forseeable cost of future children (:eek:). She should be able to make this choice.</p></li>
<li><p>I freelanced as a musician throughout middle school and high school, and I played in a number of weddings. As long as everyone is happy the day of the wedding, things turn out wonderfully. I’ve played in a tiny wedding in a tiny chapel hidden in a forested garden, and I’ve played an outdoor wedding at an exclusive private club on the beach, and I’ve played in traditional Catholic and Jewish weddings. I’ve played on beautiful, sunny days, in roaring wind, and in rain. I’ve played in weddings where schedules are planned to the minute and in weddings that are laid back and casual. The key is for people to feel happy and at ease. If that’s the case, then the wedding day always turns out well with a happy bride and groom–no matter what the planning entailed. That’s the most important thing of all: good memories of an important, special day.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Keep us updated on whatever happens, P2N!</p>
<p>Will do. I knew I could count on y’all for good advice. :)</p>
<p>By the way, (this could be VERY interesting) the suspected groom-to-be will likely come to me and ask for my daughter’s hand. Our daughter has developed into very traditional young woman and has apparently found a young man with similar values. I asked my daughter if I should hold him off for some time, but she did not find that a bit amusing. </p>
<p>What would your advice for him from me be?</p>
<p>what about debt, does D have college debt, do they want to buy a house, smaller wedding can equal helping with the other stuff</p>
<p>My parents told us: if you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to pay for it. Almost 30 years ago, they did wind up paying for a small, but swanky, luncheon, after a wedding with 42 guests. It was fantastic and I couldn’t have asked for more. I paid for everything else wedding related, except the honeymoon and rings. Those big ticket items were picked up by my DH! We saved a lot of money in one way: we had a photographer but wound up buying only the proofs, no big photo spreads or books, etc. Total cost for 100+ 9x9 inch photos: $53.</p>
<p>Oh! I forgot to say best wishes to the future bride and congrats to the lucky groom! P2N: stay calm!</p>
<p>No undergrad debt - we will pay for all that. Beyond ug school, we’ve told them they’re on their own (but will always reserve the right - secretly - to help, if we think we should)</p>
<p>D1 will either go to med school or grad school. Med is more likely at the moment. D1-BF is in grad school now, paying his own way.</p>
<p>I should say that D1 is a very religious, serious young woman. She’s gone to various nasty (international) places to work with children an her passion is not $$ oriented at all. She will likely become a rural family practice physician, because her heart is for people in need. Needless to say, I am amazed at the depth of her convictions…she’s worked her tail off to get where she is.</p>
<p>Obviously, her mother and I want to reward her…in an appropriate way.</p>
<p>Tailor it to what they both want. And bigger isn’t necessarily better.
I would have happily gotten married in a civil ceremony, but Mom, H. and in-laws would have none of it, so it was traditional everything with about 100 guests. I hated being the center of attention and felt awkward much of the day. Weddings today have way fewer rules and norms, and I think it’s better that way. Compromise is good.</p>
<p>Were you the bride or the groom?</p>
<p>Parent2noles, I have some advice. </p>
<p>Our second son just got married and the wedding took place quite a distance from us, in the bride’s hometown. I don’t know if this could happen in your situation, but I want to emphasize that, IMO, a primary purpose of the wedding and all the surrounding “celebrations” (showersm, rehearsal dinners, receptions, etc) should be to allow the two families to merge as one so the new couple can better be uplifted and surrounded with love. And the groom’s family, particularly if they are coming from a long distance, should be made to feel very welcomed and a part of everything! I am NOT talking about spending money on them; just make sure they don’t feel like strangers!</p>
<p>Our D was married 2 months ago. We had about 150 guests (the groom was from out of town, and he had only 7 guests) and we served “heavy” hors’ doeuvres with a chocolate fountain and cheesecake for the wedding cake (the food was catered). We couldn’t afford alcohol and so had sodas, tea, and coffee. We spent about $12K for everything involved with the wedding.</p>
<p>Yes, that’s a lot of money, but I have to say that it was worth every penny. There is something intangible about a wedding. You see everyone you love there…the grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins, and friends. They are all there for a common purpose, to wish the couple well. There is the joy of seeing your little girl as a beautiful bride. It was such a happy time for our family. My parents had given us a nice wedding and we remembered how much it meant to us, so we wanted to do the same for our D. Oh, and I should mention that we only have <em>1</em> D! :)</p>
<p>Our D is 22 also, and her new H is enlisted in the Army, so they had no money to put towards the wedding. We gave D a budget of $10K and told her it was up to her to figure out how to spend it. This worked out great as we didn’t have to fight over the cost of every detail. H knew she’d run out of money, so he was planning on spending $12K even though he told her 10. So, when she came to him a month before the wedding having run short, he was prepared for it.</p>
<p>I hope your family can get through all of it with the least possible drama!</p>