<p>Ah, yes, the old “you owe me” stuff, I know it well (best one was my dad telling me “I owed” something to the family,meaning his extended family, and I asked him “oh, I do? For what? Did they pay for my schooling? Did they help me out when I was moving, were they there when I was grieving the death of a friend, or going through tough times at work? Were they there when I was renovating a house and could have used advice? What did I owe them for?” and you know what, he couldn’t answer, he said things like “well, over the years, they invited you to their house” (yeah, so? Half the time I only went because there would be a tsimmis if I didn’t, and they were over my house, too, I did favors for people, you name it…)…</p>
<p>And that kids owing their parents something is the biggest crock of spoiled cottage cheese anyone ever put out there. You do the things for your kids because you love them and want them to have a good life, not so they are in ‘your debt’, I have probably spent more on my son any way you want to measure it, in time, in money, in attention, then my parents ever gave me, and the only thing my son owes me is to live a good life and be happy…if he still wants to see me when he grows up, share a concert with me, watch a crappy football game (hey, we are NY Jets fans, comes with the territory) that would be awesome…it took me a lot of years to realize that, I would feel guilty, but my therapist, who raised 4 kids who actually like each other and get along, said you do what you do for love, and she was right, you do. And if the stuff about ‘you owe me’ comes back, all you can do is remind yourself that you do the same thing for the people you love, and if you do it to make someone ‘owe’ you, that isn’t love, that is manipulation.</p>
<p>Parents can be quite good at pushing guilt on their kids. Siblings can do this too.</p>
<p>My mother threatened to do this too unless I did something in particular which she claimed was a tradition. She got over it. My wife’s sibling has exerted control over her from the other side of the world and it’s been something that she’s battled for decades.</p>
<p>Time may solve the problem or they might not but you have to live your life and your part in your own family.</p>
<p>miladvice, I am sorry to hear about your situation. My guess is she’ll be back - for better or worse - when she wants something from you. You’re right that you are not responsible for her unhappiness. And you can’t fix it no matter how hard you try.</p>
<p>I’ll never forget, years ago, when I was in school. My roommate received a letter from her estranged mother and was absolutely overjoyed to open it. I watched her smile turn to tears as she realized her mother had sent her a bill. An itemized bill, for everything her mother had spent raising her. Things like “the coat I bought for you in 5th grade.” It was several pages long.</p>
<p>To add insult to injury, my roommate was a twin. Of course her twin was the golden child and was never charged for anything.</p>
<p>We parents hold so much power in our childrens’ hearts, to hurt or to heal.</p>
A cruel way to put it, could it be the case that, in the eyes of this mother, the golden child is like a winning stock she bought and would like to keep long term for its potential investment return in the long run, while the unlucky child is like a wrong investment she made and would like to cut the loss and run as soon as she can?!</p>
<p>I have been reading a lot lately about narcissistic mothers in order to deal with my MIL, and these mothers you all are describing fit the narcissistic pattern to a T. Narcissistic mothers are self-absorbed, jealous, quick to anger, obsessed with appearances, grandiose and cruel. They play their children off against each other (they have a golden child and a scapegoat). They also try to make you think that YOU are the crazy one.
They can be particularly cruel to their daughters. And unfortunately, they will seldom go to therapy (they think nothing is wrong with them) and they will probably never change, only get worse, as someone said above. So YOU have to change the way you deal with them. Sometimes that means no contact. That is where I am with my MIL. I feel so much better knowing it’s HER, not me, and I can’t win, so I don’t try. </p>
<p>Here’s a few books to read:“Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me”, “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”, “Disarming the Narcissist”, “Children of the Self-Absorbed”. I think they are helpful.</p>
<p>" I’m sorry that she has such a terrible life, but there is nothing that I can do to change the decisions that she has made, and I cannot accept responsibility for them.
Thanks for listening. "
-We listended OK, but why did you? You were not tied up, why you did not leave before it was all poured out on you? You did not sound like you enjoyed it, so why did you stay?
Whenever something happens that you do not enjoy, just leave it behind. We cannot say this about kids, no matter what they do, we always enjoy our kids. But the rest of your surroundings including people around you, could be left behind before you get disowned by them. Would it be better? And it will allow a cool down period for another party.</p>
<p>She will be back. ((((Hugs))))). We have had issues like this with my mother-in-law for years. Your mother wants to control you. She has a lot of emotion invested in this relationship. The fact that you stood up to her is great. Because that will, hopefully, help set the tone for when she comes back. She will think a little harder before she does this again. Stay strong. And wait. You did the right thing. It may be a while, but someone with all that emotion won’t be able to stay away forever.</p>
<p>OP couldn’t leave- it was HER house. Good for you OP. Takes courage to tell off a parent and ask them to leave. Don’t worry. In time she will either mellow or you will be better off not suffering having her in your life. Think of your current life with your H. Your mother is part of your past and doesn’t need to ruin your present. </p>
<p>The tales I can tell about my father- one thing my sister and I have agreed on for many years is that neither of us would ever let him live with us (by now he is 86 and a nursing home if he ever can’t cope, our mother died some 30 years ago).</p>
<p>It is not the end of the world to have your mother mad at you. Do not feel any guilt. You owe her nothing and if she were to die tomorrow do not feel badly about it. In my case I have always stated the wrong parent died- my mother was much nicer. I can’t say it is better to have a bad mother than no mother knowing how my father is alive and my mother dead.</p>
<p>Cheer up. Enjoy the freedom of no longer living with the strained relationship (this did not happen out of the blue- it had to have been building for a long time). It could well be that you and your mom have an improved relationship in the future now that all obligations are gone. If not, no loss.</p>
<p>calla1 – that is a heartbreaking story. Obvious favoritism is never good, and that is so extreme. OP, hang in there. So sorry your mother is so unhappy and disturbed. It sounds like you had to set some boundaries, for your own sanity.</p>
<p>That sounds like lots of drama, I prefer to walk away, my house or somebody else’s is a secondary consideration. People have different preferences though, understood. Nothing good ever came out of talking in my life. If I decide to stay, I would shut out of listenning anyway, I would start thinking about something else, something real. Meetings are the biggest problem in my life, falling asleep very easily, one trick is to doodle. Get up, get piece of paper and a pencil and start doodling. I do not think that any arguments can proceed for long time whith only one side participating.</p>
<p>When your mom tries to re-enter your life, set firm boundaries and put up with nothing. When I was younger and my (difficult) mom was still living, I noticed that when she started to drink this aggressive, unpleasant other person emerged. I put her on notice that when I was visiting, I was glad to spend time with her, chat, whatever, but once she started to drink, I was going to my room or out for the evening, that I was not going to experience her. She believed me, and I avoided a lot of grief. I am certain she did her drinking later, but I did not have to witness nor experience it.</p>