Disowned by my own mother

Parent Cafe
1

<p>This Thanksgiving weekend, I was disowned by my own mother.</p>

<p>She has a lot of anger. Her choices in life, her husbands (my father) choices in life. Her frustration with my spouse. Her dislike of my spouses family. And she has a lot of jealousy issues over the things other people have.</p>

<p>And this weekend, it all came out and was unleashed on me. She made me the reason for all of her unhappiness, anger, and jealousy in life, and it was all my fault.</p>

<p>Finally, after she was angry at me for the nth time in one day, I no longer felt safe in my own house, and I had to ask her to leave. She then yelled she’d never speak with me again as long as she lives.</p>

<p>So yesterday will be remembered as the day that I lost my mother. I’m sorry that she has such a terrible life, but there is nothing that I can do to change the decisions that she has made, and I cannot accept responsibility for them.</p>

<p>Thanks for listening.</p>

2

<p>I hope that things work out to your best benefit. </p>

<p>Best wishes to you</p>

3

<p>So sorry for you and your mom. I hope she gets the help it sounds like she needs. Sometimes we have to do what keeps us sane and healthy, even if it causes pain to us and others who have been close to us. I hope you are able to move forward in a healthy direction.</p>

4

<p>I too am sorry to hear this. You mention your spouse. Having Been There Done That I would encourage you to focus on your own family and your own life. Unfortunately as EK mentions sometimes you have to do what is best to keep yourself healthy.</p>

5

<p>I am so sorry for the turmoil in your life. Hugs. The cliche of take one step at a time, seek those who affirm and complement who you are goes without saying.</p>

<p>And for those who have seen my posts on toxic parents…my husband was disinherited…twice or three times. We have survived. And although my mil is still alive…we have kept her at arm’s length. But we are back in the will.</p>

<p>How old is your mother? Even “normal” unhealthy behaviors can become exaggerated with age or medical conditions. Check this out.</p>

<p>Or your mother may be a b…</p>

6

<p>So sorry to hear about this.</p>

<p>Maybe all you can do is realize that this is your mom’s problem; you didn’t cause this. No “healthy” mom disowns a child over the things you listed. </p>

<p>{{{ hugs }}}</p>

7

<p>Sounds like no matter what happens in the long run you’re better off with distance now. Time away can really help.</p>

8

<p>The older and wiser we get, the more we realize that we can’t control other peoples’ reactions, nor are we to blame for their reactions. I hope you are at that point. Your mother has issues, and nothing you did caused them or can solve them. I’m sorry.</p>

9

<p>Hang in there. Throughout the years I have, at one time or another, been “disowned” by my mother, father and 4 of my 5 siblings. Each of them eventually came around…still not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.</p>

10

<p>As have gotten older i realize that I cannot control the situation only my reaction or actions to it. I have decided to choose happiness and to weed out the toxics. This has at times been painful as some people are both. You have done the right thing, although it is hard. You mom is acting like a 2 year old becase she wants to continue her behavior.</p>

11

<p>Growing up, family get togethers during the holidays seemed to bring out the worst in people. Unresolved issues from years ago. The holiday not living up to unrealistic expectations. Alcohol.</p>

<p>My parents are dead, and I do not keep in contact with the extended family. There was just too many issues, and I chose to leave that dysfunctional group behind.</p>

12

<p>Bless your heart. When I first read the title of the thread, I said, I WISH! Although my mother has nothing to leave me to inherit, I wish so much she would just “divorce” me. We had a big fight on Thanksgiving Day as well, but the next day, she was leaving hour long messages of things she wanted me to buy and send her. I have not picked up the phone or returned her phone calls. </p>

<p>As my mother is manic depressive, I have learned to just coast along during her manic times, and enjoy her depressive times.</p>

<p>Other members of the family and her friends feel the opposite, enjoying her during the manic times and worrying about her during the depressive times. However, they are the ones that get to sit next to her and knit and crochet and have conversations with her, while I am her personal slave.</p>

<p>So, don’t feel guilty about your mother’s reaction. And don’t destroy your family over her behavior.</p>

<p>And don’t fret over being disinherited. When she needs you, she’ll come calling. And don’t expect an apology, either, for she will have either forgotten the incident or blame it all on you for years to come.</p>

13

<p>Sadly, my reaction was similar to Montegut’s except I thought “lucky.” It’s not your fault, it’s about your mom. Most of what your wrote applies exactly to my mom. I am an only child, so I soldier on since I feel responsibility as her only relative, but if she ever said she didn’t want to talk to me again, I’d do back flips. </p>

<p>Please consider seeing a therapist, using your employer’s EAP service or going to Al-Anon (I’ve yet to hear of this type of situation where there wasn’t some type of substance abuse; excuse me if that assumption is wrong.) Sounds like this has been a long term situation and while you might think that you’re handling it fine, it’s always good to touch base with a professional so you can take care of yourself. </p>

<p>My sympathies to you as you process the loss of this relationship.</p>

14

<p>Another survivor here. My mother has suffered from undiagnosed, untreated mental illness her entire life. Growing up, I remember her “good” times when she was on a “diet” taking prescription amphetamines. My childhood was one of mental neglect for me with my mother as the child. It is exhausting just thinking back to it. After a lifetime of being the cause of all of my mother’s problems, I divorced her and left for college on my own dime and with no emotional support. It was the best decision I’ve made in my life. The price is that I have no relationship with my mother and my children have no relationship with their grandmother, but those relationships would have been toxic. In the long run my life and my kids’ lives are healthier without her. It is sad.</p>

15

<p>

</p>

<p>No. Didn’t the OP’s post refute that? </p>

<p>Whatever a persons personality is during their youth and middle age, pleasant or bad, it will only be heighten in their old age. It’s an additional difficulty when dealing with an aging loved one who is also a naturally ornery individual. Been there.</p>

16

<p>So, <em>big HUGS</em> to all of you.</p>

17

<p>toblin, when I used the phrase “the older and wiser we get,” I was not referring to the OP’s mother but to the OP herself. I was trying to gently support her realization that she needs to distance herself from her mother. I agree that we become more like ourselves as we get older.</p>

18

<p>I see an exaggeration of all of the “difficult” traits in my siblings as they age. I’m not sure if they would say the same about me. My mom, on the other hand, has always been a fairly easy, loving and benign presence (thank God). </p>

<p>Thanksgiving could have been the demo film for a disfunctional family holiday. political attacks, old wounds reopened, resentments aired. Oy. I’m thinking next year will be spent at a homeless shelter feeding some nice people.</p>

<p>OP, so sorry for your troubles. As much as you are angry and fed up with your mom, your pain comes through in your post. I’m sorry.</p>

19

<p>Sorry for the turmoil in your life. Hugs.</p>

<p>I know an 80-year-old mother with 5+ millions cashes in bank (more than enough for her life time) and a paid-off house asked her own child to contribute money from his unemployment check (he was unemployed at that time.) This is because she believes her child is indebted to her forever because she took care of him when he was young. It is not like her child wants her money which she inherited from her deceased husband (who is the child’s father.) He is fully aware it is not “easy money.”</p>

20

<p>Been there, done that, got the t shirt and wore it out…and I had it on multiple angles, my own dysfunctional family and my mother in law, who besides being diagnosable was a disaster as a person, she was kind of like the human equivalent of the definition of pornography, no socially redeeming value (and heck, porn can have its moments, unlike her)…</p>

<p>It is hell, and with my birth family I had to do something similar with my father, he was treating my wife in ways no one should ever be treated when he was staying with us, and I finally had enough and has to ask him not to stay with us anymore, which got the rest of the family in a dither because they went by the old italian crap, that family is family and blood is thicker than water. It took a damn good therapist (who being of italian descent knew exactly the score)…it ended up with me as the family pariah, but it kept my family away from a lot of dysfunction… (if it would help you, I would dish the whole story, but not going to force it on these nice folks). You did the right thing, you were protecting yourself and your family, and whatever your mom’s problems, they are her own, using you as the scapegoat for her problems is low.</p>

<p>And yes, it is hard, it has meant my son missing out on an extended family, it has meant not being able to have family at recitals and such, but it has also meant having many years without the drama, without the incredible idea that somehow I and my little family were supposed to be in the thrall of everyone else while of course never getting reciprocity and so forth… </p>

<p>The hardest part is many of us are made to feel like society and by sadly more then a few clerical types, like family is this mystical thing that countenances everything up to and including abuse and that is crap. Blood might be thicker then water but no one has the right to treat someone like your mom did you or my family did me, and somehow I doubt that Jesus or the Buddha or anyone other spiritual figure would tell you your duty is to take it. Everyone has the right to be treated fairly, to be treated with respect and dignity, and common dna doesn’t change that:). I have my regrets about what happened, but I see the difference in the way my son has grown up versus the way I did, and I wouldn’t trade having those regrets for going through the crap I did, and I am glad I did what I needed to. My dad and I reconciled and he kind of understood why I did what I did, I think before he passed on he realized how fouled up things had been. </p>

<p>My only advice with your mother is if she comes a knocking, you have every right to set boundaries and make them clear to her, and if she is demanding an apology or claiming you are out of line, laugh at her. As my therapist said, as wrenching as it is, we are adults, our parents no longer really have any hold over us, what are they going to do? Get mad? Refuse to talk to us? Our little inner kids want to quake in fear, but they no longer hold what they once did over us, and as my therapist finally convinced me after several years, I had so exceeded the things my father had ever done, had learned so much more, that his disapproval or anger didn’t mean anything other then sadness that he could be so blind. </p>

<p>As they say, you may not be able to pick blood family, but you can pick who you are around, and often the family we make by choice is a lot better then the one we don’t want to be around:)</p>