Disrespectful Child

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Sorry if this is in the one section, I just really want a parent’s opinion on the matter. </p>

<p>My whole family has turned against me because my mom has been telling everyone about how disrespectful I am to her and my father. By disrespectful I just mean talking back (never cussing though), just kinda doing my own thing and not following every last one of their commands. My sister just came and gave me a serious stern talk about how I should treat them better, and I know how to act better because I’m really nice to everyone else.</p>

<p>I will admit this is true, but I have some reasoning behind this insanity. My parents are really good at financially supporting me (I have a LOT of stuff, laptop, own cable tv in room, dvr, couple of gaming systems, nice phone, etc.), however when it comes to the actual support, guidance, and teaching side of parenting, not so much. I’ve always been expecting to figure out and do everything on my own unless it directly involves them or their reputation, and then they will take it over completely and drop it randomly when they grow tired. </p>

<p>Just about everyone else in my life has supported me, guided me, been more of a parent to me than my actual parents (esp my teachers and friends). I always get jealous when I see or hear about other people’s parents just because of how much they seem to actually care about their kid(s). To my father I’m nothing more than a bill and a burden, and to my mother I’m just a pawn, an extension of her and thus I need to always look my best because it could effect how people look and think of her. </p>

<p>I know I shouldn’t be disrespectful, but I don’t feel like they deserve to control me and have all my respect just because they give me money. I sound like such a brat…Sometimes I just consider using college as an escape and never going back to my family…</p>

<p>EDIT:Sorry, I don’t even know what I want people to talk about. I’m just kinda venting. sorry for wasting your time if you actually read this.</p>

2

<p>ZD - Your post makes it really hard to be supportive, and I’m not into dissing … so Good Luck.</p>

3

<p>Lol I know. I wish I could delete this thread.</p>

4

<p>You really have NO excuse for your behavior. I tell my kids all the time, people can do stuff to you - dissappoint you or anger you but YOU have control how you react. Your parents can screw up like any other human being but your reaction is a reflection of YOU.</p>

5

<p>Nothing wrong with venting. I understand where you’re coming from. As a parent, I bet your mom and dad love you and want the best for you and find this whole transition to adulthood and college stressful too. </p>

<p>I guess if you can, just cut them some slack. I don’t think you can delete the post (unless you get yourself banned or something). Sometimes, just writing stuff down makes it more manageable.</p>

6

<p>Zombie, it could be that your parents see yourself differently then you think that they do. I know that money doesn’t really seem like a big deal. It’s all just material stuff after all. But, at the end of the day, who else would be willing to provide for you in the way that your parents would? I think that we take this for granted a lot, because we’ve never had to pay the bills as kids. But it’s not just money, it shows that they care. They wouldn’t have raised you if they didn’t love you. :slight_smile:
Speaking of which, they wouldn’t tell you what to do if they didn’t care either. You don’t see them nagging some kid on the street, do you? ;)</p>

<p>Good luck with them</p>

7

<p>Okay, I am going to give the OP at least some support here. I grew up in an upper-middle class family that gave me pretty much all the THINGS I needed. But so many of my parents’ attitudes and behaviors were about how things looked to other people. They were kind of cold fish when it came to any emotional support. Great at cocktail party conversation, but even 50 years after my birth I am not sure to this day that I have had even one conversation with any emotional substance with them. My mom did comment recently that she was surprised and pleased at how close I am with my two daughters, how easily and often we express love for each other, and how much they seem to trust and share with me. I guess I made a point to raise them differently that I was raised… didn’t tell her that, just said thanks. :)</p>

<p>Anyway, not sure if the is the kind of environment the OP is talking about, but if it is, he is not imagining his difficulties. It is frustrating, and they will try to make you think you are crazy sometimes. You aren’t. But… they live the way they live, and no matter what you do it is unlikely that you can change them. Pushing for a closer relationship or lashing out – neither will get you where you probably want to go. I would recommend that you try to be civil, live within their rules and expectations as best you can, and… live your own life when you go to college. If it is too stifling, don’t go home much and live in a different city after college. But do your best to maintain a relationship with them, even if you are not close. They may mellow some over the years (my parents have), and you have a lot of years (probably 60+) after you leave for college to build the kind of relationships with friends and the family you build, and to build the life you want. Use your frustration productively – when you are looking for a signficant other, a line of work and how to raise your kids, be conscious of what you want things to be like. You may have a template of how you don’t want it to be right now that can be helpful.</p>

<p>But… try to be civil and let it roll off you in the meantime.</p>

1 Like
8

<p>I sympathize with the OP. My mom was much like the OP’s parents (although my dad was not).</p>

<p>Consider this:</p>

<p>You would like positive attention from your parents. You don’t seem to be getting it. There isn’t any obvious way to change the situation.</p>

<p>You have two choices.</p>

<p>You can act disrespectful. This gets you attention, but it’s negative attention.</p>

<p>You can act civil. This gets you no attention.</p>

<p>Sometimes people prefer negative attention to no attention. So at some level, acting disrespectful may make sense.</p>

<p>However, what may make more sense is to do something completely different. Forget about trying to get positive attention from your parents. They don’t seem able to provide it, for whatever reason. Instead, you might try looking for it elsewhere – from friends, perhaps, or relatives other than your parents, or even teachers.</p>

9

<p>Relationships between parents and kids (especially as the kids get older) can be so complicated. My parents didn’t guide me at all, they were very detached, deep in their own forms of misery (one in workaholism and the other in alcoholism)… and I didn’t even have any cool stuff. But life is long and you will not be in your parents’ lives in the same you are now for much longer. Don’t get caught up in the drama. Look at your long-term goals and spend as little energy as possible on non-productive interpersonal struggles. If you don’t feel respect for you parents (heaven knows I felt none for mine) at least be cordial superficially, learn to cultivate other sources for guidance --it sounds like you have been with your teachers and friends – and understand that this may be as good as it gets while you’re living at home. My life step-by-step got better after I left home and has ended up being an incredibly happy one most of the time. Hang in there. Life is long.</p>

10

<p>We’re hearing one side of this story. OP sounds like a spoiled, needy, ungrateful soul.</p>

11

<p>^^^He sounds like a teenager. You are being more than a little harsh.</p>

12

<p>Hey, OP.</p>

<p>I’m sorry you’re unhappy. You feel what you feel. And I have to believe there are some reasons for the way you feel. </p>

<p>I tend to believe that most parents LOVE their children with pretty much their whole being. Some don’t do a great job of showing it, we all make mistakes.</p>

<p>For sure you shouldn’t be disrespectful. If your WHOLE family is on your case, maybe take a step back and see what you’re doing to contribute to that (being disrespectful to your parents).</p>

<p>Your parents have provided you with everything you need plus many additional blessings that a lot of kids only dream of. Frankly, they might not be really great at guidance, advice, teaching - they might not be confident, they may not feel like they know how, or they might be distracted by the other demands of life. They may not perceive this “need” you have for their guidance. If that’s the case, they have a short-coming. Don’t be too hard on them, because we ALL have short-comings, including YOU.</p>

<p>To clarify, very carefully - NOBODY in your life has provided the financial support your parents have, and you should not underestimate the value of that. Raising a kid, especially with the level of blessing you’ve enjoyed is not cheap!</p>

<p>Of COURSE you are a reflection on your parents and you should be well groomed, and I’ll add also well-behaved.</p>

<p>It’s not unusual for a young person to feel the way you are feeling and to begin to get really tired of being under the control of parents and ready to get out of the house. It’s natural and normal. </p>

<p>I have a suggestion for you. Sit down and write about your feelings again. This time, give your parents the benefit of the doubt and write not so much about how horrible THEY are, but more about how your current situation frustrates you and makes you unhappy. Go back and reread it and delete or reword anything that you believe constitutes an attack on your parents (just focus on what you’re feeling). Go back through it AGAIN and insert some positive appreciative things about your parents.</p>

<p>And then, consider apologizing to your parents for having been disrespectful. And then begin treating them with respect.</p>

<p>A few days later, ask them if you can share with them some of your feelings and frustrations, and then sit down with them, respectfully and read them what you’ve written.</p>

<p>Examples of points:</p>

<ol>
<li> I feel like I need some help and guidance right now.</li>
<li> I feel a little lost, and I wish I had more time with you.
etc.</li>
</ol>

13

<p>I understand how you feel… Minus the financially generous parent part.
My parents yell at me for absolutely nothing, but yelling back is wrong, apparently? In my book rudeness begets rudeness… Sorry. </p>

<p>But anyway, just stick it out for 2 more months.</p>

14

<p>Sure, we’re hearing one side of the story. That’s true of all posts here. People choose to respond to the side of the story they’re hearing. Or they don’t. The OP may be an ungrateful child, or he may be dealing with difficult emotionally dysfunctional parents who give him a lot of stuff. (Parents like that do exist.) So if one of his parents takes their version of the story to some other forum, would people tell them “We’re only hearing one side of the story. You’re just bad parents.”</p>

15

<p>"And then, consider apologizing to your parents for having been disrespectful. And then begin treating them with respect.</p>

<p>A few days later, ask them if you can share with them some of your feelings and frustrations, and then sit down with them, respectfully and read them what you’ve written.</p>

<p>Examples of points:</p>

<ol>
<li>I feel like I need some help and guidance right now.

<ol>
<li>I feel a little lost, and I wish I had more time with you.
etc. "</li>
</ol></li>
</ol>

<p>^^^^^^THIS^^^^^</p>

<p>Communication goes both ways - try to interact with your parents. It just might work.</p>

16

<p>Thank you everybody for the replies, I didn’t expect people to actually understand where I was coming from. So many people said great things that it would take to long for me to reply to each one, so I’m just going to do a general reply. </p>

<p>On the disrespect: I know what I was doing was wrong. I’m going to do my best to correct myself. It just made me mad that they want to once again come into my life and try to “help” me, by taking everything over. I wouldn’t even mind it that much if they just took over everything, but it is the fact that they drop it without warning and expect me to know everything that really makes me angry. I just want them to pic a stance, in or out, don’t keep going back in forth. </p>

<p>On the attention thing: @Marian, you got it right on the head! That is my whole thing in life, esp when it comes to my parents! I will literally go up to my dad and start messing with him to the point where he gets enraged and starts swinging. When he asks me why I did it I always reply, “If I didn’t we would never talk.” He usually ignores this, but we both know it is true. With my mom, being rude to her is the only way I know she is listening to me. If I talk to her normal it will get blown off. As she as said, I just have “one of those voices people can ignore really easily.” </p>

<p>On the communication suggestion: I have actually tried this multiple times. Each time I express all my feelings in whole and we seem to have a break through moment. They promise to change things and help me with my problems. It is such a touchy moment that it almost always brings me to tears. I feel so connected and happy, but then it happens. Literally like a day or something goes by and they act like it NEVER happened. All the promises that were made NEVER happen. It always makes me so ANGRY when it happens. Like I said, they either need to be in or out. </p>

<p>On the “spoiled, needy, ungrateful soul” actualization: Yeah that’s probably about right. Like a lot of people have pointed out, I have it much better than a lot of other people out there. However, I would just like to say one thing, just because a person has money doesn’t mean their life is great. This society is so focused on money that everyone thinks that with it you are happy. Even though my family is FARRR from rich. Oh well.</p>

17

<p>Wow, OP. Really sorry to hear that about your relationship with your parents. If this is indeed the case, I only have minimal advice and some consolation.</p>

<p>I would go ahead and do most of what was suggested here. Look for your guidance elsewhere, just deal with it for 2 more months, etc. I would also do the communication thing even if you know it will not have the desired effects with them. And here’s why: It’s further self-training in doing the right thing, being a good person, managing relationships with honesty the right way. Your parents may not be teaching you that. I would make it my life goal to treat people with honor and respect, as if every one of them was precious…because they are. YOU are too, and YOU should be treated that way. You’re going to be okay, OP. No matter what, just keep doing the right thing.</p>

<p>Now for the consolation. In a few short years, YOU get to establish the terms of the relationship with your parents. Right now you have very little control. In a few years (seems like a long time now, but isn’t), you’ll be financially independent and making your own life decisions. You’ll probably never get what you want from your relationship with your parents. But then, you’ll be better able to avoid what you DON’T WANT.</p>

18

<p>If you find it hard to get your parents’ attention, I would try to email them when you want to tell them something, write down your points and why you want to do something. As an example, you want to go to a party that your parents may not be too keen about, email them with the place, time, who will be there, what kind supervision, when you are going to be home, if you could, assure them that you wouldn’t be drinking or doing drugs. With all that information, they may still want to discuss it with you in person, but at least they’ve had an opportunity to think it over. If your parents are like us, they maybe very busy with a lot of things (worries) to deal with, and you may just be catching them at the wrong time. Also when people are stressed, they wouldn’t be as good at dealing with their kids’ complaints or whining (not saying you are doing that all the time).</p>

<p>I used to make fun of the fact that my older daughter used to make a powerpoint whenever she wanted something from me.</p>

<p>Your parents are either capable of giving you the kind of support/nurturing you need/want, or they can’t. No amount of disrespect, whining is going to make them what they are not. Now, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but maybe not the kind of attention you need. I am very close with my kids, and I kind of thought I would always be their core support, but it is not the case. As they got older, they started to form other intense relationship outside of parent/child. They have best friends, boyfriends, even other older adult friends for mentorship.</p>

19

<p>I agree with many posts here. Your parents don’t sound awful, just cold. If you want the relationship to change, it is up to you. Change how you act. Let them know you appreciate them and the things they buy you and do for you. Tell them you love them everyday, and not sarcastically. Maybe even freak them out by hugging them. When you feel like messing with your dad, give him kiss him on the head instead, even if you have to put him in a headlock to do it. Ask them about their lives; their work, their college life, their childhood. </p>

<p>Involve them in your life as much as you can handle. Ask for their advice on small things. Tell them what worries you about going away to school or anything else.</p>

<p>Do it for yourself. They won’t change overnight, but begin setting a direction for the future. They will be a part of your life for a long time. Make the best of it.</p>

20

<p>I’m so sorry, Zombie. It sounds like the three of you are locked into some very bad patterns of communicating. You’ve figured out how to make them respond to you, to hear you, but it’s in a negative way. </p>

<p>The saying goes, you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. You’re young – soon you’ll be off making tons of friends, and someday you’ll have your own family. It’s up to you to CHOOSE how to react to people who put in motion these negative dynamics. I’m not saying your parents started it – it probably just evolved – but there is reacting and choosing how to react. </p>

<p>Next time your mom ignores you because your voice is easy to ignore (that phrase just breaks my heart), take a deep breath and say to yourself: I am a valuable person. In a healthy relationship, I don’t need to scream to be heard. Then say out loud to her, but in a calm tone, “I don’t want to yell just so you’ll pay attention to me. Are you ready to listen to me now, or is another time better for you?” Easier said than done, I know.</p>

<p>I’m sorry. Hang in there.</p>