Echoing some of the other posters:
Be comfortable with yourself.
Be comfortable being by yourself.
Be an interesting person which means developing oneself.
There are no shortcuts to true friendship.
@gouf78’s advice is spot on for friendships and dating.
I think for introverts, it is helpful for friendships to be activity based. What is she excited about? What can she do that is related to that? We have an older daughter that has now graduated from college. One of the most critical lessons I learned at this stage is the importance of transferring from her “problem solver” to her “consultant”. routinely listen when she brings a problem to me. If she asks for advice I say “well you are in the situation…I only know what you have told me. I remember when you (example) started high school and your friend group blew up. You stayed with one friend, and the two of you went on to make new alliances. That worked really well, and you were so happy in your new group.” BAsically, you remind her of a time she was successful in a similar challenge. Then, I say “you have your own style and I have mine. If it were me, which it’s NOT, here are a bunch of things I might consider. But you know best, and you’ve done this before.”
You have received some excellent advice here. Especially about being comfortable and confident in yourself. Also, I agree with the person who said, “the harder someone tries to be friends with me, I tend to keep them at an arm’s length.” That is very true. I think this is especially true in the girl social world - if one tries too hard they are less desirable. I too agree that she doesn’t need to ditch the current group but just spread herself around and hang with them in limited amounts. Assuming she is also at a co-ed college I would say to be sure to keep the doors open to being friends with guys. When I was in college my social groups were co-ed and some of my best friendships were with the guys. No drama and just easy relationships for me. Encourage her to get involved in her classes, clubs, activities she likes and relax. She will find her independence and grow from this.
Great advice here. Especially for introverts, friendship really isn’t an instant thing. Tell her to think in terms of planting seeds, finding fertile soil, etc. It will take some time for the flowers to grow, but they will.
Gosh, IMO I would let my D visit one of her old friends or something. Sometimes a breather from your current social situation is the best thing for perspective. If that weren’t possible, I’d visit her and take her out and try to discover some things in the town.
I also agree that you can move away from a group slowly and it’s probably best to do it that way.
I appreciate all the good advice. This has been eye-opening.
See if her school has a service club like the APO service fraternity. These people are used to thinking about people other than themselves and are generally pretty nice folks. Just a thought.
“Put your efforts into activities and interests that you enjoy”.
This. Have the activities she participates in reflect her interests, not the group that she wants to leave. The current group can be her backup plan for meals, movies, walking to a class, as she eases her way into a new group. Theater groups always need volunteers, check the recreation center for classes or groups, study in the library in a visible spot. My D’s LAC has a service group that has volunteer opportunities every week for a few hours on Saturdays. Usually a large group of random people with an interest in that day’s project.
Many years ago at my LAC, I was a freshman in a triple. The other two hit it off immediately and I was very left out. I had nothing in common with them and I was also introverted. It took a whole year to be part of a group. I met people in my science lab classes and at the dorm activities. I had acquaintances, but was lonely for awhile. It all worked out in the end, but the closest friends I made, I met as upperclassmen.
I think some people have a hard time initially because the superficial nature of these early friendships isn’t that satisfying. OP’s daughter is possibly quite sensitive and it is unsettling to leave behind the firm friendships of high school and try to substitute new, flimsy relaitonships with people she doesn’t know well.
I would try to cultivate just one relationship a little more if possible. I do think she needs to get away from the people who are making her unhappy. If gradual works better, maybe only have one meal a day with the mean friends and not see them the next day, until she isn’t so troubled by being on her own. It won’t be long before new people come into her life.
A good way to restore confidence is for her to think about how she is with people she is really comfortable with and talk with new people the way she would with anyone she already knows. It isn’t that different. I like this from another post:
“I’m a shy person. Once, my friend asked me where the bathrooms are. That’s how we started talking. You just have to say something. Say anything. Even a compliment is fine. Just say what’s in your head. If people make you feel anxious, think about them as things you like, like your pet.” Or your family or friends from home.
Also, she should think about any positives: she said hi to someone, they smiled back. She asked for directions to a professor’s office and she got there. She made some plans and they happened. Anything can be a positive. Being positive is a great confidence booster, because people are attracted to positivity.
OP’s daughter will get there, but she needs to give it time. In the meantime, she should be happy with who she is and not feel she is a lesser person if she ends up on her own sometimes. Far better than being with people who make her feel bad about herself.
I’m personally going through something similar to your D right now actually. This is now my 4th week of college and I’ll tell you that I don’t even talk to the group of friends that I made the first week who live on the same floor as me anymore. Once I started to find out who they really were, I decided it would be best for me to leave before I got caught up in something that I didn’t want to be a part of. Anyways, long story short, I still say hi to them on occasions but I never go out with them anymore (if it all). I haven’t made many friends in my hall at all actually, but I’m not friendless either. Most of them live all over campus actually, and my friends aren’t actually like grouped up, most of them have never even met each other. Basically, I took it into my own hands and formed friendships on my own with people in my classes/clubs/ect. I’m an introvert as well, but I forced myself out of that bubble that I made. Maybe she should try to join some clubs/teams where she will be able to meet some people that she enjoys being around and can bond over the sport itself. Or, if your D is comfortable with it, she could rush Greek life (if it’s available). I went to a couple rush events and I’ve made a ton of friends there, and I never even decided to pledge. Overall, there’s plenty of opportunity on campus for your D to get herself out there if she’s willing. And if she isn’t willing to first semester, then no big deal. She’ll have plenty of chances in the next 3 years.
Plus, a little privacy is never a bad thing. It might seem good now, but being so popular that you don’t have any time on your own will end up getting annoying very quickly.
My D is home for the break, and I thought I would update people. Things are much better. She ditched the kids that were making her feel bad. She did have some weekends alone, but she got through it. My guess is that in hindsight she was probably coming across as too eager. I think in the long run, she learned some important things about herself and how to cope with change. At any rate, she now has a few friends and likes college a lot more.
I do think the college should make things a little easier for students who might be having a hard time. College counseling centers have waiting lists, and my D isn’t the only one who needed someone to talk to. It turns out that while there are clubs, quite a few of them don’t get going until students are already back in the swing of being at college. That’s just the time when things are difficult for some people. I think it would be good if the college (and I know some colleges do this) had a weekly get together for those who want a no-risk, social place to meet others that are in the same boat. By no-risk, I mean a group where a student knows they can walk in alone and others are doing the same. Seems that would be very easy to do.
I think she will have an easier time next semester and I hope that if anyone else has a child who is having a hard time, stay optimistic that most of them figure it out. It also seems very common that many of them don’t hit their stride until second semester. Just keep listening when he or she needs to vent. I think that helped my D get through the worst of it. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. :)>-
Thanks for the update @mrpractical, I am so glad to hear that your daughter is doing better. Hope you enjoy having her home for winter break. Happy Holidays to you too.
Give your daughter a big hug from me:) I never liked the drinking, loud partying scene, and that was what everyone on my hall was into. I stopped going out after the first month, and would tell them that I was partying tonight with my books. I tried to keep it light (even though I felt like they thought I was weird), but I did get great grades. Since I was open and joked about it, other people started to joke with with me, not at me, and every now and then, someone would come “party” with me and study. I’m not saying that your dd would want to stay in any study like me, but just be herself and let other people know in a non confrontational way that she has her things, and doesn’t like other things. It is very interesting to get to know yourself, and not really easy in the hustle and bustle of college.
Thanks for the update, OP. I absolutely think your daughter made the right decision.
I was in a similar situation my sophomore year of college as a new transfer student. I thought the group of people who lived on my floor (many who were also transfers) would be good to spend time with, but long story short they weren’t very pleasant to be around.
So I stopped hanging out with them in the weekends, but for the majority of the school year, the allure of having others to get dinner or do non party-related stuff with (as opposed to being entirely alone) was too much, so when the GroupMe invitation came I would often join, and I usually found myself feeling very uncomfortable when with this group, much like your daughter did, I imagine. I wish I’d done what @BladeHunter did and just straight up cut the cord, because I feel like that would’ve saved me a lot of time and stress.
I spent the summer on campus at my current school, which gave me plenty of time to think, and ultimately made a resolution to stop spending time with them entirely…which I’m happy to say I did. They actually all lived on the exact same floor as me this year too, but I filled up my schedule with activities the first few weeks and was never there (and never responded to any of their invitations), and by the end of the first month had established a routine that did not include those people at all. In fact, I ended up only running into them twice the entire semester. Was it lonely at times? Definitely. Did I second guess myself? Sometimes. But when I look back on it, I think I did the best thing for myself possible.
So I think the moral of the story is, when you’re somewhere new and at risk of falling in with the wrong crowd (whatever you define “wrong” to be), run! Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy or think you can magically turn things around. And remember that it’s fine not to hit your stride until second semester, or your second year, or even your second half of college.