I have been lurking on CC for some time, but would now really like some insight, ideally from students who might have been through this, or a counselor or similar.
My d is having a tough time. She is at a small LAC. She really wanted the LAC environment, but after a month, feels she has made a mistake. She has been putting herself out there. She has joined groups and is smiling, trying to be positive, hanging out with the extroverts, asking people about themselves, forcing herself to be sociable when she doesn’t feel like it, etc…
She has been actively snubbed twice after making attempts to arrange things. She was abandoned by the group of kids she liked, for no reason she can think of, and is still hanging out with the kids that make her feel unhappy. Yet she feels compelled to continue to hang out because she dreads the thought of being alone. She discovered the other day that she was left out of group texting with these kids. Her confidence is shot. She is truly unhappy, she wants to transfer to a bigger school, she doesn’t think she can last the rest of the semester. She has an appointment with a counselor soon.
This is obviously a critical time for college freshman. She thinks she should abandon these kids, yet thinks she might be even more unhappy if left to fend for herself. She is shy and she feels it will be very difficult to break into friend groups now. She is asking my advice and I don’t know what is best. Go it alone, which will make her miserable, or stay with these unfriendly kids, which is also making her miserable. Anyone have any experience with this kind of thing?
Friend groups formed in the first month or so of school tend to morph and change. My observations are that most “friends” made in the first weeks of school aren’t the friends that stay the course. It’s friends based on proximity and timing rather than common ground, interests, and values. People like to glom onto a group so they don’t feel alone. Real, lasting, quality friendships take time to develop. It takes time and the truly good friendships are worth the patience in finding them and fostering them.
Has she joined activities on campus based on her interests? She’s more likely to meet her peeps that way.
If she’s miserable with these people, why continue to hang out with them? Why waste energy with people who are making her feel so down? (assuming she’s not being hypersensitive to social cues and dynamics)
I also think it is way too early to be thinking of transferring.
Yes, as I said, she is involved with groups and is putting herself out there and not hiding in her room. I guess what I want to know is what happens if she ditches the mean girls? Is it likely she then frees herself to meeting new people, or is it more likely she will end up on her own for possibly months? Anyone with similar experiences?
I made a mistake by becoming too involved socially with my freshman roommate, who later turned out to be the dorm version of the character in Single White Female. I realized later than I was SO happy to have a friend the first day. I later met a much better friend in the spring semester.
I just think the D needs to start moving away from the mean girls, rather than just up and ditching them suddenly. Being alone is underrated.
Wasn’t sure if you meant friend groups or actual clubs and interest groups, hence my asking.
Is she introverted by nature or more extroverted? A lot is going to depend on her personality and how much she puts herself out there. Without knowing your daughter personally, I think it is hard for anyone to give you concrete advice.
I think it really depends on your child’s outlook and personality. I have a child who firmly believes in the importance of being comfortable being by oneself. This child has friends and values friendship but is unwilling to put up with hanging out with people that aren’t a good match just to have people to hang out with. I know for some people that is a very uncomfortable feeling or position to be in. For my child it is preferable to the alternative. Where does your daughter fall? Which would make her feel more uncomfortable? There is no crystal ball answer here and another’s experience may or may not work for your child’s personality.
Hopefully, her appointment with a counselor at college will help her sort through her feelings. This decision is something she needs to own.
Unless she is in a dangerous mental state, I would not entertain any thoughts of letting her come home. I’d tell her to ride out the full year, focus on her studies so she has good enough grades to transfer, and allow her to fill out transfer apps for fall if she is still unhappy at winter break. My kids both had friendship transitions partway through undergrad at small LACs. The people they hung out with first semester freshman year mostly fell away as they met more people and formed friendships more based on common ground than freshman proximity.
Only she can judge whether to move away from her current group. Maybe she is overreacting to bring left out of group texting (they just might have forgotten to add her on the first message, and then everyone is replying to the group). If they are treating her badly in other ways, then she should ditch them.
My kid recently ended a friendship with some one on campus who made her pretty miserable last year. This person spread rumors and intentionally created drama that was hurtful to my kid. This fall this person tried to chat with her a couple times – my D finally told her privately that she did not want to talk with them, as her life was better without this person being involved in it, and she would prefer to keep it that way. But there are more kids to be friends with at college. Your D can’t see the forest for the trees right now.
Totally agree with what @doschicos said about friend groups. In the first couple months everyone is scared of being alone, so some form ‘groups’ immediately based on superficial criteria and yes proximity. It will be interesting for your D to see, just how much of this group is still together by 2nd semester.
That being said, no one wants to be alone, even if it is for a short period. D does not have to split from this group cold turkey. Maybe she can still have meals with them while she pursues other more like minded people. Even though she is at a small LAC, she probably has met only a small percentage of her class so far, so there is lots of opportunities for new friends. And tell your D that appearances can be deceiving. There are lots of freshmen feeling exactly the way she is, they are just pretending that everything is hunky dory.
She is introverted. She fully recognizes that it isn’t healthy to continue to be with these girls. She is worried though about being on her own. If she leaves this group, she will be on her own at the weekends, and in her room on her own. She had very good friends at home, but she doesn’t think about the fact that those friendships were cultivated over years. Friends are important to her.
When she does branch out to new friends - in whatever form it takes - my advice is to have different friends with different interests in different groups. My kids have never been tied to one group either in high school or college. It has served them well to have a broad range of friends with different personalities and interests. It also makes life more interesting. I’d never want my choices limited to just one group. I know that doesn’t solve the current issue but is worth considering when developing a solution to the current predicament.
We were recently talking about the freshman year friend issues, and SO many people I know say that the people they hung out with freshman year are not the good friends they’ve stayed in touch with over the years. You do hear of people who had that amazing roommate or met someone in the first week who is still their BFF, but this is the exception. It’s still early, and not only are friend groups still evolving, so are the people in them. It is much to early to feel like friend sets are all fixed!
I’d advise your daughter to gently pull back from this group because she may not seem available to others while she’s with them. Most LACs have a ridiculous # of things going on all the time, so she should just put herself out there for things that interest her. And tell her that she shouldn’t worry about going to something alone. Would it help her to think “not with those people” rather than “alone”?
You’re right to remind her how long it took to make friends in high school. At this point, they’re all acquaintances – nothing more. Good luck to her. I hope that the counselor helps.
If she knows she is introverted, maybe encourage her to be comfortable with that tendency and not to force herself to do what she think she “should.” I imagine that trying to fit in with the extroverts must be emotionally exhausting to her. Usually introverts are comfortable with and even welcome some alone time. That doesn’t mean that she’s destined to be lonely and friendless.
I agree with other posters, I would encourage her to drift gradually from this incompatible group and to try to be patient about forming lasting friendships - easier said than done, I know!
Thanks everyone, these are all great suggestions. I would still like any insight from someone who might have experienced this, if you are out there. I will discuss all this with my daughter.
Interestingly, my husband and I were just having a conversation with our sophomore daughter about how much the friend group scene has changed in the last year. Last year, in the more traditional style dorm, our daughter did have a moderate sized friend group that formed due to proximity and mutual interests of about 10 students. A few migrated away over the year, a couple broke off due to some drama and conflict, and my daughter is now rooming with three of them in an apartment style dorm. She said that while they are all still friends, they don’t do much as a group anymore. Everyone is busy, have different class schedules, involved in different activities, and all of the girls have boyfriends so also spend time with their guys who live in different apartments or dorms. The roommates happily coexist and it seems to be okay with all. Last year’s traditional dorm did feel more “summer camp like” (my daughter spent 8 years going to band camps on college campuses), and people acted like what she had previously experienced at camp.
My daughter is an only child, as is her boyfriend, and neither spent their childhoods wishing they had siblings as they are both quite content to spend time with adults (and are really delightful to be around). Nor did they grow up seeming to long for groups of friends according to them. When our daughter was younger and we worried that she might be lonely she used to say, “there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely.” She could always find a million things to do to keep her brain busy and herself happy.
If your daughter lets go of her mental “image” of what the friend situation is “supposed” to be in college, is true to herself and can tolerate the risk of being alone for a while, the true friends are sure to follow. It is only natural, we are social beings.
I bet if she talks to her RA, the RA will know dozens of sophomores and juniors who had the exact same experience as your D. The RA may actually be a good sounding board as she has eyes and ears on the scene and may be able to point your D in the right direction. And while an introvert has needs for friends just as much as the extrovert, perhaps she should not seek out extroverts, but seek out girls who are more like her.
I spoke to my daughter and told her I posted this question. She says that most of the kids in this group say they are introverts. And she says she doesn’t get how you make new friends. She specifically asked me to not those two things. Any feedback on that?
I’m going to state the most practical dating advice I’ve heard. It works for friends too.
Quit trying so hard.
Be comfortable with yourself first. Quit looking for “the date” (substitute “friend”) and focus more on yourself.
Put your efforts into activities and interests that you enjoy. Get comfortable in your own skin. Meet people on their own terms with no expectations.
Someone with self-assurance will attract people to them. You don’t need to go looking.
I like that, @gouf78 . It makes sense. Projecting an air of self-assurance doesn’t always comes easily to a shy person, but doing the other stuff will lead to that eventually.
As an adult, I’m super picky with who I make friends with. I’m “friendly” with a lot of people (because I’m an extrovert), but I’m very cautious about making bonds with others.
I find the best way to let someone into my circle who eventually may become a friend is to find them within the activities that I do. I’d tell your kid to focus on joining groups that she has an interest in, and friendships may evolve from that.
But I will tell you that the harder I see people trying to be friends with me, the more at arm’s length I put them because I don’t like dealing with that sort of neediness. Your daughter may be inadvertently giving off that vibe.
Another thing is that my friendships take quite a while to evolve. Years. I can be friendly with someone for years before it may become something more important. I also have friends that are activity specific, and that works for me.
It totally sucks to be lonely, but there’s no instant fix, in my experience. You just have to be cool with being by yourself, and stay busy. Let the other stuff happen organically.
Friends don’t just snap into place like Lego blocks. They come from shared experiences and time spent. Campus jobs often put you in with co-workers you share time with. My D1 worked in the campus writing center after freshman year and made friends there. My D2 has made some good friends while on campus over the summer researching. Both experiences put them in contact with people for long periods.
What about joining a campus activity that does this? School newspaper or theater come to mind. Theater always needs set people, prop people, costume help, etc.
Another option is special interest housing, if there is any on campus.