It is certainly a genuine question, and your experience is illustrative of a few points.
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100%, fairness is the goal. Schools should index everything based on context including socioeconomic factors, family environment, geography and any other local or personal factor that could be relevant. Almost every so-called metric for admission is tightly correlated, so every factor should be considered based on context.
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It is the exception and not the rule that college brings unlikes together. Perhaps in a vaguely incremental way, but between the ecosystems of academics, interests, athletics, fraternities, finals clubs, Hillel, secret societies and activities, like finds like pretty fast. And that’s without even considering race. Does some mixing happen? Yes, sometimes. Does it happen to a reliably consistent degree? Not really. I’ve talked to multiple college administrators about this over a decade, and it’s a perennial topic of frustration and discussion. You can build the student center, but you can’t make people mix.
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I don’t believe in the straw man that unprepared students are being admitted for diversity. I think “unprepared” students who get a lot of B’s and C’s freshman year should be admitted. How else can we be sure we’re identifying enough underprivileged students who we could not fairly expect to ace the curve from the moment they arrive at MIT? Some students will catch up. And those who don’t - Honestly I think that’s the price society pays for societal unfairness. Many, many may disagree here - I’m sure.
My issue with “diversity” as a goal is that the most frequently used definitions of “diversity” lead to unfair results. For example, as is well discussed above, the “diversity” of needing elite athletes from wealthy families who still can’t meet average academic standards. If 1 in 5 caucasian students at Princeton is a recruited athlete with sub-par academics (as a group), and those athletes have massively higher than average wealth, isn’t that the opposite of your (and my) definition of fairness? Shouldn’t those students from wealth be held to the highest academic standard?
Diversity is also routinely used to limit the number of minorities to a quota. These are anything but gone after SFFA. The TJ case this year lets schools establish quotas, they just have to pick other factors to accomplish them than race. For example, it’s not okay to set a quota for girls at 50%, but you can set a quota on students whose hair is > 3 inches long.
Though I suspect we agree on some points, we disagree about my friend’s experience. Between my friend, my wife, her sister and me, we have been involved with admissions for 3/5 HYPMS schools for over 20 years each. And we have been involved in different geographies. As our families have moved from city to suburb to suburb, we have seen stark differences in rigor in activities and academics between areas. Even with the ongoing abandonment of rich suburbs by elite schools, the standards are just not comparable to what any of us saw coming out of - for example - Bergen Academies or Stuyvesant.
If schools are really about fairness, a much better goal than diversity, they should be transparent. By saying that "just getting a 1600 on the SAT, just getting 10 5’s on AP’s, just starting a community shelter that helps 500, just having a 4.33 unweighted GPA, just being concertmaster of your regional orchestra, just about anything isn’t enough to get admitted, the result is a weird dyad of consequences. On the one hand, achievement nihilism. Nothing matters. Everyone who has ambition is foolish or an unauthentic, naive striver. If you’re not wining the US Junior Open, you might as well quit tennis because it “won’t matter”. On the other hand, endless and destructive pressure. You have kids who get a 1550 on the SAT and take the test again to try to get a 1600 or kids who feel pressured to take so many AP’s or devote so much time to their soccer training that their academics suffer. Because it doesn’t matter unless you are “nationally great” and even then - no.
That is the harvest of secrecy that is implicit with “diversity”. Not fair to the kids and not fair to the system. The only beneficiaries are the schools who want to maintain complete carte blanche.