@oldfort - good for your friend (and you I suppose 
). His ex got some bad counseling, it looks like, or did not do any due diligence on the startup by not being interested in what her husband did for living.
@oldfort - thatās a great story. Why do I feel bad for the ex? And Iām speaking as a business owner who divorced a non-earning spendthrift spouse.
I realize he was your friend but as the old saying goes, you never know what goes on in someone elseās marriage. She made his life miserable. And he was a model husband?
Back to the OPās question. I tried to read up on divorce before I filed. No one will tell you (other than close friends who have gone through it or people here on an anonymous forum): lawyers will drag it out. Know what the law says. Meet with an attorney to find out the law. You are better off settling than using lawyers. Siphon off (hide) what money you can. Donāt assume he will play fair.
Good luck.
I donāt recommend hiding money. I think itās okay to have separate accounts but they must be disclosed during the divorce.
Hiding money will backfire on you.
When you post on a forum like this you will get good and bad advice. That is why it important to see a professional who is familiar with the law at least for a consultation. You risk losing financial assets without seeking proper advice. Divorce is stressful even for those that want it. It is a major life event and your financial future is at stake.
OK OP ā donāt hide money. But donāt be surprised if your ex does and gets away with it with no repercussions. I am not making this up. Many friends got screwed by their loving decent husbands just withdrawing money and they never got it back. Itās a real fallacy to go into this all trusting and law abiding. You would be amazed at what people get away with that is never ever accounted for.
When my friend moved out, his ex emailed me and his friends/colleagues about what an awful person he was and what he did to her (they were lies). You have to be a pretty vindictive person in trying to discredit someone in front of his/her colleagues. After they got separated, she made it very difficult for their children to see my friend. I donāt know what happened between them behind close doors, but I know how my friend behaved after divorce - he would drive over 100 miles to pick up his young adult kids to visit whenever she allowed them, he never missed a payment to her or children, and he is paying for his kidsā college education and other expenses even if itās not in their divorce agreement.
My friend didnāt hide his stock options from his ex. She did a full audit on their assets. My friend also had no idea if they were worth much and thatās why he consulted me. Of course, I was no expert and it was just my opinion.
@Classof2015 - no need to feel bad for the ex, she got a fairly large settlement, she just didnāt get more.
I understand the concern about hiding money. Iām pretty sure my ex did. I didnāt want to do the same things that I think are wrong when he does them.
I hear you, old fort. Iām sure your friend acted honestly and reasonably.
For the record, and maybe I acted wrongly here, but when I knew I was in for at least a year more of ex spending away my hard earned money, I paid for a semester of tuition for my nephew. And two years later, my sister gave me some money to help pay my legal bills.
OP, here are a few more things to think about in terms of finances: 1) Health insurance, for each spouse and for the children.
2) Social Security: it canāt be divided in a divorce (federal law trumps state law) but I think itās reasonable for the spouses to consider it when deciding if they will have sufficient income streams.
3) Financial aid applications: put a provision in the divorce agreement requiring each spouse to fill out any necessary forms until the younger childās last FA application.
Anyone know how pensions/annuities work?
I know some are split and made into two contracts but not all.
A simple buy out by one spouse is not fair as annuities can be written for the life of
the parties. So it is not simple math.
@oldfort - in my state the inheritance would have been hers anyway. Inheritances are separate property, like gifts. Whereas the stock options which he earned are not separate property and should have been split.
I get this from my exās pension now (but it covers the family health insurance we lost when he retired, too ā now that D2 has her own insurance through her grad program, I finally see some of this in my bank account besides just paying those costs).
Do not try to do this without a lawyer. There is a difference between an acrimonious scorched-earth divorce that just eats up all the assets, and a more cordial divorce where your interests are still represented.
In the state we were in, it depended on whether you had comingled the money. I had not from an inheritance I got, and was able to pay my ex off for his half of the house equity so the kids and I could stay in the house until D2 was in college and I wanted to sell it.
A financial institution (and a stock plan admin) will need a well drafted QDRO. Do not try to do this pro se if the finances are conplex.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qualified_domestic_relations_order
Thank you all so much. This is very helpful. Some clarification: H has no pension. I may end up with a small pension (federal employee, but not vested yet.) From what I understand, I am entitled to half of the 401k balance accumulated over the marriage and he to half of mine (not much.) The options are trickier (biotech, down now but likely to increase in value). Unlikely to be like Microsoft or Amazon (he has been through a couple of these companies.) Our major asset is the house. But you have to live somewhereā¦
Any book recommendations? Thanks to @Bunsen for the ebook link. I have downloaded it.
I want to say that I really appreciate all of your input. This is hard for me to talk about in real life. I just told my closest friends today (they werenāt shocked but were sad.) Iām a practical sort and am trying to focus on educating myself and moving forward. You are all a big help.
My divorce was long, long ago. Books did save me, as I know it is very hard to talk about with friends. The stuff you go through is just beyond the experience level of most people from relatively sane and functional families. I looked and my favorite from that time was Crazy Time, by Abigail Trafford. I remember reading in this book, that it takes two years to get through the worst of it and thinking two years was far too long at the time. In retrospect, the two years was about right. Apparently the book has been updated. Looking on Amazon, there are many books out there these days and I was glad to see some on divorcing the personality disordered, which is a very special hell. Iām sure your library has copies of a wide variety of books on the subject. There need to be more first person stories written of the details of divorce, however most people just want to move on after the hellish time is over.
Sympathies. I know it hits on so many levels.
this book is supposed to be good (have not read it) Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life by Lauren Mackler
Sorry no book recommendations, but I gather there a tons of them out there. However, one thing stood out for me. Your H doesnāt value you have stayed home with the kids and that will affect any settlement. Be prepared, but this will get a bit ugly if you choose to fight. You do need a lawyer. My advise with a lawyer though is to manage him/her so it doesnāt get dragged out. Make sure you keep you eye on the endgame rather than get stuck in the weeds. Good luck.
One thing to keep in mind about hiring a lawyer is that doing so doesnāt mean you must go to trial. Lawyers also help their clients reach settlements. And not hiring a lawyer doesnāt mean that you will avoid a trial. If the parties canāt reach an agreement, there will be a trial and a judge will decide.