I’m looking for any and all advice and suggestions about splitting necessary expenses for young adult (but still financially dependent) children. Our parenting plan deliniating this ends upon high school graduation, which is looking really close on the calendar.
How do other families decide how to split costs for college, health insurance, car insurance, other necessities? How do they agree on what is a necessary expense? Are there mediators who can help with this?
Many people plan these things as part of their divorce settlement.
Our agreement was written a long time ago, when parenting young adults was a far distant point on the horizon. Our state doesn’t require divorce settlements to include college, and things were so fraught financially that we’d never have come to an agreement if we had tried to figure it out then. All the terms of our financial arrangement expire at age 18 or high school graduation, whichever is later.
We don’t have college spelled out in our settlement, either as support in our state ends at 18. We split the college cost of tuition/fees/room/board 50/50. I tend to do more of the shopping and paying for clothes and things they need. Their dad covers the health and car insurance. Certain larger ticket things like summer programs or more expensive items that they need, we’ve have mostly done 50/50. If there are things I want to get for the kids, I don’t ask for money for those, and he spends what he wants as well.
I think this is a fair solution because both of you get to provide for your child.
It’s not the child’s fault that you’re divorced and have to split it, but that you’re doing it ,amicably, says a lot for both of you as people and parents.
It’s not for lack of planning. A court won’t compel a parent to provide past the age of 18 in a divorce settlement; if the parents agree to terms regarding college and the like, then that will be recorded as such, but a court does not require a parent to continue support.
(Similarly a court will not order parents of minor children to contribute towards extracurriculars either, those are considered extras and non-essential.)
@SmallTownParent I’m sorry you’re at this crossroads, it’s hard; yes you could propose to your ex that the two of you chat with a mediator to move forward in a way that’s helpful and productive for all of you, and helps launch your student.
But I would suggest that prior to suggesting mediation, that you write a friendly email first, saying that you’ve been thinking ahead about what might be most fair in trying to divvy up the upcoming expenses and you were looking forward to hearing their input and thoughts, and you ask for their advice in how you could do all of this all fairly.
This preemptive attitude of knowing they will be fair and forthright and full of good advice can help smooth the conversation and flatter them into being their better self (even if they have never operated in good faith before). Remember to keep the conversation focused on your child, and not the two of you. If it goes personal, redirect back to what your student needs.
-I know you will have several good ideas about how we could do this, and wanted to ask for your thoughts and input on how we could do this all best for Sam…
-You’re so good with numbers/spreadsheets/widgets, I know you’ll have solid suggestions on how we could handle this for Sam; they’re so excited for college…
We do it in thirds, mom, dad, kid. Thus budget was top priority in school choice.
My ex-husband paid nothing, and that was that.
My husband’s ex split everything, more or less, although it wasn’t always easy along the way.
It is true, in at least many states, that anything done after 18/HS graduation is optional, so if your ex doesn’t want to help, there’s not much you can do.
I know some people do it based on % by how much they make, others do it 50/50 (potentially with something expected from the kids) and in some cases one or the other parent doesn’t help at all.
I paid for everything, so that was easy.
My friend and her ex husband set up a fund to cover those expenses as part of their divorce agreement. As far as I know, it has worked out well for them. My friend moved to HI. Whenever her adult kids wanted to visit her, the fund paid for their airline tickets.
This is excellent advice, especially going into it with an assumption of good faith (even if unearned).
My parents divorced right when I was finishing high school, and they split expenses proportionally, relative to their incomes. It was a little easier then because college costs then were easier to cash flow and they both more or less agreed on what was necessary for them to pay for. My ex and I are starting from a different place than my parents though.
For college…perhaps your students will qualify for enough merit aid someplace to ease that cost burden. Merit aid doesn’t take family finances into consideration. I’d start looking there.
Re: health insurance…can’t they stay on the same plan until age 26? Have a nice conversation about the importance of this coverage…maybe that will help.
My sister’s ex would not contribute to college, but was compelled to pay child support and provide health insurance during undergrad.
Nieces got financial aid based on the household income (my sister’s only).
While many colleges use only the custodial parent finances for financial aid, many of the most desired colleges commonly talked about here require both parents’ finances for financial aid (usually with the CSS Noncustodial Profile, though sometimes with their own forms).
There are about 300 colleges that use the CSS Profile and of them, all do not require the non-custodial parent financial information @ucbalumnus . And frankly, most college student in this country do NOT apply to these 300 colleges.
There are a LOT of colleges where costs are more affordable, or where merit aid is possible for students. This is where this parent should start IF the other parent doesn’t plan to contribute to college costs.
But before anything else happens, the question posed here by the OP needs to be discussed nicely with their former spouse.
Totally agree. Fortunately from all the good information I have received here, DD25 is applying to FAFSA only schools, or places where her stats make her a good candidate for merit aid.
The next step is a friendly conversation, assuming good intent, to see if we can figure this out. However, financial conversations have gone so badly in the past that I really need to have a sense of what is fair and reasonable before starting a conversation.
Some of this may be irrelevant, so take what you can use and ignore the rest.
Recognize it is almost never mandatory for any parent to pay for college, and your ex may simply pay nothing.
If you can frame this as it’s for your kid, not for you, you get zero benefit from it, and if you are offering to pay a fair amount, it may help.
In my limited experience, private colleges seem to be more flexible with merit and understanding/adjusting for “special” circumstances than public.
I obviously have no sense of your wealth or lack there-of, but remember your child has the rest of their life to pay off any debt, and you need to make sure you have enough for your own retirement.
If you plan to set limits, try to make sure your kid knows something about the limits BEFORE they get attached to their dream school and find out you can’t pay for it.
IT is OK to say you simply can’t afford more than X amount per year, and it is actually smart (in my opinion) to limit the amount of debt you or your kid go into for an undergraduate degree. They will thank you later if you DO NOT let them take on an unreasonable amount of debt.
Not divorced- but have plenty of friends who are.
The successful arrangements (from what I have observed and from what I’ve been told) are where BOTH parents feel like they are part of the college selection, visit, choice process. That means dividing up the visits (if your kid wants to visit), consulting both parents on “I’m not sure I want chem engineering or chem. Do we know anyone I could talk to in either field to learn about the differences?”, getting feedback on what’s going on in HS, “hey dad, I bombed my history midterm. Do you think that means I should reconsider becoming a history major?”
If either parent starts to feel like an ATM machine, the likelihood that you’ll get pushback on college expenses starts to rise. If the non-custodial parent has become used to the role of “we have fun on my weekends” or “my job is to plan our summer vacation because that’s the only lengthy time I get to see the kids” you may need to encourage (aggressively encourage) your kid to make more of an effort to have a regular, non-entertainment based relationship with that parent.
When both parents feel like they are part of the educational decision-making, splitting the costs starts to feel very normal and natural.
Hope this helps.
I have not had this experience so I hope I’m not being insensitive or unrealistic but once your child turns 18 (or shortly before ) would the discussion be better received coming from them to your former spouse? Of course more conversations could include all 3 of you or whatever works best.
I agree with this approach to (1) communicate and if not successful, (2) mediate. It is what we did. It was productive to meet in person with the mediator and really talk through all our proposals instead of email/text. We had agreed in advance that we’d do what the mediator said so all the “winning” and “losing” emotions were directed at the mediator instead of the ex. It also served to keep the discussion away from the kids. The mediator was money well spent.