Divorced Parents out there: I need you

serapheyes · May 20, 2006, 1:56pm

My parents are divorced. It’s never been a problem for me, I was even happy when my mom remarried because he was such a great guy (completely the opposite of my dad, who’s a noncommunicating introvert, which is comforting for me because i am similar).

but now it’s getting too much. if anything, my parent’s relationship is getting so angry and it is getting too hard. my step-dad pays for everything (he is able to), and BEYOND: i would never have been exposed to some wonderful things and situation if not for him, he’s done my tennis, my art, he took me to Yale, introduced me to the Greenbryer, the NASDAQ 100 tennis where i met serena williams. my dad refused to pay for my art, my tennis, and wants me to go to UT (average gpa…you have to have a pulse) because he doesn’t want me to leave, he hangs up on my mother and stepdad without ever saying goodbye, keeps secrets and manipulates my sister and i…but he plays chess with me, he sees an piece the same way i do, he doesn’t forbid sleepovers and doesn’t think that it will be an all out alcohol or crack fest (my stepfather wasn’t that popular in highschool i think, but neither was my dad and he doesn’t assume that’s what happens).

my one younger sister recently went behind my stepfather and mother’s back AGAIN when she went to a friends, she snuck some clothes over, didn’t tell them she was spending the night (she had asked my dad and he said ok), but then she got sick and called us. i don’t know why, but she said we didn’t answer (? we were home) at 11:30.

she she called my mom saying she was throwing up.

my dad apparently gets a call from my mom, screaming and cussing, demanding to know where rachel was.
my dad hung up. he does this a lot but this time i don’t know if he wasn’t justified, my mother doesn’t hadndle stress well and i guess freaked out…but each time she called and he hung up, saying “you can only talk to me if you don’t scream and don’t swear.” he left to pick up rachel.

i called my mom’s house and she…she said i am never going over to his house again. i called again and my step dad answered. in a few minutes he was off on a ten minute schpeel about how sleepovers are dangerous, things happen with boys and alcohol. i cut him off and said i had to go, since dad came home with my sister. he said he and my mom have left messages (as usual) and told dad that they didn’t do sleepovers.

when dad called me down to talk (sister tucked nicely into bed), he said he had never been told such a thing. he then asked if my mom or stepdad talked to me like that or abused me. ?!?!?!?! it was so random i wondered if i was being manipulated (which he does on occassion). my stepfather has never laid a hand on anyone, ever, and only has raised his voice at me ONCE in all the four years i’ve known him. my mother gets excited, with can be taken for being aggressive but that’s her hyper personality, and each time i admit it was for something i deserved.

what do i do?

i have never spoken up about the “sleepover thing”; i…kind of find it irrational and paranoid…but this isolated incident pretty much sums up my whole year. it’s trickling into my head at school and my self-confidence. who do i believe? who do i trust?

i just don’t know what to do.

Alumother · May 20, 2006, 2:54pm

I am not a divorced parent, but you are clearly in the middle of behaviour that is irrational and not manageable from your position.

There may be nothing you can actually do about your parents but you should be able to do something about yourself. Do you have friends? Other places you can go just to get out of the crossfire? School counselors? Any place you can make quiet and safe for yourself for a while?

Other parents will probably have better advice but I wanted to make sure someone answered you. Also, how old are you? That might make a difference in the advice.

serapheyes · May 20, 2006, 3:44pm

I am seventeen–a junior.

collegialmom · May 20, 2006, 3:53pm

What are you doing this summer? Can you go away for awhile, to get away from this environment, such as to a summer program or to visit relatives.

Do you have access to counseling? Family counseling?

Sounds like everyone involved needs to get a sense of perspective, and have an objective party involved. Also since you will be home for another year, it will be important to have someone help you sort this out, so that senior year can be enjoyable!

Where are you thinking of going to college?

serapheyes · May 20, 2006, 5:07pm

UChic, Brown, Hillsdale, Tufts…but I am being questioned whether I am after these schools for the right reasons and not trying to run away from my family.
thank you so much, alumother and collegialmom. i really appreciate your comments. they are comforting, since there’s no one who’s available at the moment here…

latetoschool · May 20, 2006, 8:17pm

S, I have never been married (hating even the slightest conflict of any sort is one reason for that lol) and so have been hesistant to post as I cannot offer any legitimate guidance from the family perspective, but here’s the best line of thinking I can come up with:

First, you cannot solve the conflict with the adults in your life, or even appreciably impact it, and, you didn’t cause it, it’s not your fault, and it’s not really even in your slide deck to solve. It’s up to the adults to get their relationships in order and it is their responsibilty.

That being the case (I’m guessing you mean you just finished your junior year?) the very best thing you can do right now is focus 100% on yourself, while simultaneously trying to avoid doing anything that will contribute to more conflict. That means specifically getting the very best grades and test scores you can manage, and, if you’re in an EC, contribute significantly to it if possible.

Second, I’m a bit concerned that you said that your father wants you to stay close to home for college, and your step father will not permit sleep-overs. From that as well as your last post I gather you are going to have some difficulty getting the necessary support to go very far away for college, and, assuming that your step father’s income will be reported on the FAFSA (someone might confirm this - not sure if it’s the stepfather or the biological father - or both), you could end up accepted to some very nice schools, but in a financial problem if neither of these gentlemen will commit the funds you will need.

Therefore, in your college search, please get some help (here and at school) finding colleges to apply to that you would be very happy to attend, that have programs of study of interest to you, and that show promise of offering nice merit packages, consistent with your stats.

You probably wouldn’t be the first young person who leveraged college to escape family, however, I caution against being so focused on what is going on at home that you overlook the far larger opportunities that may be available to you in terms of educational reach and financial packages if you are able to target the best possible fit of colleges.

Bottom line, to the best of your ability, focus 100% on you for now, and know that over time these other problems will work themselves out - but it will take some time, sounds like.

ariesathena · May 20, 2006, 9:16pm

Child of divorced parents here.

There’s definitely a power struggle going on between your parents. I can only encourage you to try to avoid it. Don’t get in the middle; if you are put there, get yourself out of it. I know that it’s asking a lot for a 17-year-old, but you have to learn to adapt, even though you are far too young. I’ve certainly told my parents to knock it off; I’ve also perfected the art of listening to what they say, being quiet, and doing whatever I damn well please. Parents get more upset when they think they aren’t being heard at all; people in general are often a lot happier if they at least get to say their piece.

Parents who put kids in the middle is nothing new - sadly. I’m very sorry for you that you have to go through this.

I can also encourage you to not let anything that your sister does influence your own relationship with your parents. I have an older sister who perfected the art of turning my parents against each other; I let her do it, but distanced myself from her actions. I made it very clear to my parents that I had no control over her; that I would not allow them to harass me over what she did. Practice saying, “Take that up with her; I am not her and if I were, this would not have happened.” At the same time, don’t throw your sis out to the lions; be a rational sounding board for your parents. Think of it as playing Switzerland.

Other advice I can give you is to not talk to your father about what your stepfather does for you. All decent parents want the best for their children and want to give that to them. It has to be a blow to your dad’s pride that he can’t give you tennis lessons and private camps, but someone else is. This is, in my experience, more pronounced with fathers than with mothers, as many fathers see it as their paternal duty to provide. I know that it sounds corny, but go out of your way to thank your father when he does do things for you - whether it be watching a sports event or talking to you after you break up with a girlfriend. I know that my mother feels like she’s not part of our lives, but I also know that she’s happy when she can be a mom and not just a mother. Call him up to ask his advice. Invite him to your sports events or mock trial or whatever. If possible, invite him to make a road trip with you to other colleges. “Dad, I really would love to see Tulane this summer. If you can get time off, would you like to drive out there with me? I know that you have UT on your mind, but I really would love to check out Tulane and want your opinion on it as well.”

There’s less of a need for your father to get into problems with your stepdad/mom if he knows that he’s an important, irreplaceable part of your life. Unfortunately, when your parents divorce, it’s ineviatable that the child has to make the effort to keep the non-custodial parent in his life.

Avoid getting counseling through your school, unless you want absolutely everything you say repeated to your parents, word for word. Find confidential counseling - if you are religious, a pastor or a priest would be a good person with whom to talk.

Best of luck to you.

bookiemom · May 21, 2006, 1:26am

Serapheyes: I am the divorced and remarried mom of a college-age D. We are able to do a lot for my D because of her stepdad’s income, so we have some of the same issues you have going on here. We have always been cordial with her dad and his current wife, although her father has refused to pay for some larger items.

I also have two grown stepsons and their mom has always been very difficult and there was always tension and bitter, unpleasant things going on all during their childhood. The guys are now both married and live in other states, and the bitterness has improved greatly. What I want to say to you, is that this WILL pass. You have only a year and a half till you go away to college, and then you will have distance from these parental problems and your whole situation will improve.

Try to “take the high road” whenever you can–don’t fight with the parents, don’t get involved with your sister’s problems with them, don’t engage in the stuff between your dad and your mom and stepdad. Just try to live your own life and concentrate on school and getting good grades.

My own parents were also divorced, and I learned not to discuss my dad with my mom. I just got off the topic quickly and refused to talk about him with her. It took a long time, but it worked.

So sorry you are having such issues in your family life, but just remember, YOU will be moving on from all of this when you go to college and things will be different then. You will compose your own life, with your own values and ways of doing things. Stay calm; stay centered in yourself; stay strong.

serapheyes · May 21, 2006, 9:51am

thank you all so much.

(except, ariesathena, i am a girl. ;))

Divorced Parents out there: I need you

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