<p>In traditional Chinese literature, it was not uncommon for poets and scholars (often the same people, since they passed the imperial exams) to write/lament about how they were close and intimate friends with so and so and then they both were posted to the far flung regions of the empire, where they became engrossed on building their careers. Before you know it, 20 years have passed by. When they meet again, it is long, long stories and reminiscing about their youth, but it’s hard to imagine that these bureaucrats, now sagged with responsibility, ever rekindle the same intensity of friendship again.</p>
<p>In reading Xiao Hong’s “The Field of Life and Death”, an acclaimed work of early modern Chinese literature (1936), I am struck by how the older adults in the village spend their nights recounting the stories of their youth but they never ever seem to go about making new ones.</p>
<p>My friend posted a link to this tumblr post in “Fairy tales for 20-somethings”:
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<p>Adulthood after college seems so depressing! You split up with your close friends and go your separate ways, and it seems that your friendships will slowly ebb and never quite return to the same intensity again. And when I view the friendships of my parents with their friends and colleagues, they don’t seem to have the same intimacy and intensity as I do with my friends now.</p>
<p>My dad has been best friends with the same man since 2nd grade. They rarely reminisce unless they are up at school with me (dad’s bf’s alma mater). They haven’t lived in the same state for nearly 20 years now and yet still manage to keep in very close contact. I consider him to be an uncle and their kids are my cousins. </p>
<p>My mom is still best friends with her best friend from high school despite the fact that she lives on the other side of the country. Same thing, when they get together they rarely reminisce. They will catch up and then go on about their lives. </p>
<p>I don’t think things are the same as they were 100 years ago in China. With phones, skype, facebook, etc- it’s not hard to stay in touch.</p>
<p>When you meet up with old friends, there often is not time for making new memories, in a short connection meal you do reminisce, but hopefully you are making new fun memories with your current friends.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s that adults make fewer memories as their lives progress, but that those events often focus around family rather than friends as they age.</p>
<p>My memories of my family far surpass, in quality and quantity, my memories of old friends. And I have very good times/memories of newer friends. I keep in touch with some old friends but I am not the same person I was back before I got married or had children. I am really enjoying the age that I am now.</p>
<p>It’s probably true that some young people are concerned about leaving the protective cocoon of college, but there is so much more to life than hanging out with people who can finish your sentences.</p>
<p>I think now that my kids are young adults for the most part, As a SAHM , I don’t have the same schedule I did when my life was “if it’s Tuesday, it’s the bake sale”, “Saturdays the game”, “pick up every day at 5:30 PM”, Mothers Auxillary, fund raising, all for the kids. Personally, I’m glad. But I’m not at thepoing where I am sitting there just reminising about those days and earlier ones either. I can tell you that I had NO TIME to sit and reminise at the height of my child raising days when I had more than I could do and was falling short each day and had to deal with that fall out as well. I can see that maybe in a few years, I can sit back and go through my memories.</p>
<p>My MIL is pure memories now, but she is in her mid 80s and is entering the senility stage. My mother, the same age, still looks forward not back.</p>
<p>Over the years, my DH’s college friends have become my friends. This crowd remains very close. We see each other often, more now that our kids are all going off to college. Many of us have season tickets to the football games, so we spend a whole lot of time together in the fall. The rest of the year, we try to see each other every couple of weeks. We also spend weekends at the lake, and some of us try to take a vacation together if possible.</p>
<p>You split with your friends if that is what you decide to do. You certainly can remain close if you want to and if you still have something in common as you mature.</p>
<p>That said, it is always a good thing to make new friends as well as you go through life. We have done that as well. We have a very active life with our friends, not depressing at all. :)</p>
<p>I don’t have a lot of nostalgia for my own youth, though recently I did get together with a bunch of people I hadn’t seen in years, and we laughed, about the past. But, i probably won’t see them for another ten years, when will laugh, about the past.</p>
<p>However, I have some nostalgia for the years when my kids were young. (probably normal with my baby being a sr in hs and my oldest a sr in college). It’s a different feeling. I now understand what people who sound wistful about the good old days are feeling, though I never did til now.</p>
<p>As for now, I have a lot of friends from my college days and those are ongoing relationships, and some of the stories can be about the past, but some are also about last week. The type of conversation you have with anyone is determined by the last time you saw them, I would imagine. I mean, I’m not going to go into great detail about last week with someone I haven’t seen in ten years. </p>
<p>Dont stop having interests or making new friends. don’t pass up opportunities to see old friends, either. It may not seem like it now, but sometimes, running into someone who knew you when… it reminds us of who we are and where we want to go from here. Dreams defered and picked back up again, etc…</p>
<p>It’s all valuable, unless you become stuck in the past.</p>
<p>I think another good thing about sharing memories is that as you get older you meet a wider range of people. For example, a few years ago I made friends with someone who won a silver medal in the Olympics. Although we had to really encourage him (he’s a bit shy), it was fascinating hearing about the Olympics from the inside (& trying on his medal was pretty cool too!) It probably looked like a boring night of “old people” talking but it was really fun. </p>
<p>I guess you eventually realize that you’re not going to do everything yourself, so other people’s stories become more interesting.</p>
<p>I guess life after college can seem depressing if you’ve been suckered into thinking that bthese are “the best years of your life”. That’s nonsense, of course. If you do it right, EVERY year is the “best year of your life”, and that means you’ll have new experiences, new friends, perhaps a new family (wife/husband/kids) to make new memories as you go along.</p>
<p>I fondly remember my college friends. We had some great times, supported each other through difficult ones, then we moved on. Sometimes I’ll “see” one of them on Facebook and say a hello, but our lives are different now. That doesn’t mean that if we found ourselves in the same room together we wouldn’t talk for hours about all the fun we had. </p>
<p>I live 3,000 miles from my hometown and most of my family. When I visit them, we DO often talk about “the old days”. But we also talk about all the new things we’re doing, people we know, how the kids are, etc. It’s anything but sad and boring. </p>
<p>I do have a certain wistfulness when I remember being 16, or 22, but that has more to do with having no responsibilities, being able to fill up my father’s car for under $10, and being young and thin. But I love being me NOW. I love having cool kids doing cool things, a husband who makes me smile and the adventures we have together. I sometimes even love my job and helping the people I help. I’m so much more than I was as a teen or twenty-something. I hope you find that to be true as well, OP.</p>
<p>Like many others, my chosen family (as opposed to birth family) has replaced friendships as the emotional center of my life as I have gotten older. Also, the nature of my friendships is different; they lack the quasi-romantic intensity of school and college friendships, and they tend to be more situational and functional rather than being the “soulmate” type. I am, however, more content and more secure in my own identity than I was when I was younger, so I am not particularly nostalgic about my youth. I feel I am making my mark now in my community and career; these are my “memories,” I suppose.</p>
<p>Actually, upon thinking about this, I am looking forward to the days when I’ll be able to spend more time talking about memories than making them… I’ll be remembered as the old grandma telling the familie tales to pass down. Maybe we can even laugh about some of “Those moments”.</p>
<p>I met my husband when I was almost 19. ( but i looked like I was 14, he made me show him my license!) He knew my mother, my great aunts, my maternal grandparents, my paternal grandmother & my childhood dogs, All deceased now. ( My father passed when I was 17). He knew my siblings when they were still in high school, the house where I grew up, my great aunts house where we celebrated holidays & even had met my previous boyfriends and school mates.</p>
<p>There is a lot to be said for being with someone with whom you share a history.But he is the only one I stay in contact with from that long ago, save a few friends from earlier that I’ve reconnected with through Facebook. ;)</p>
<p>I attended my 35th high school reunion a few years ago ( my first reunion) I met up with friends from high school who didn’t understand why I hadn’t stayed in touch, especially since I still live in the area. ( Particularly my " best" friend) However, it was pretty clear to me why we hadn’t! I had changed, they didn’t . C’est la vie. I did have a good time though.</p>
<p>My life has been much more satisfying and richer than I ever dreamed it could be when I was young. There isn’t too much looking back except in amazement at our beautiful children.
:D</p>
<p>I think you can make memories over facetime or skype. My family is able to connect very well and look forward to time together. I honestly don’t find too much difference between sitting around talking and sitting around talking on facetime. True, we don’t get to hug at the end and feel the physical contact but when you’re a 1000 miles apart it comes much closer than just a phone call.</p>
<p>This all boils down to one thing. YOU are in charge of your future. If you want to keep your connections close, you will do so. If you want to have rich friendships with new people wherever you land, you can do so. Friendships take work to nurture. If your relationships are important to you, there is nothing stopping you from having close, satisfying ones. There is nothing which “happens to you” which takes YOU out of the equation. Make the effort to sustain old friendships, and make the effort to nurture new ones. You don’t want to make the effort, or other people begin to take priority over friendships (wife, kids, family), that’s fine too. Just be in charge of your life and don’t think that you have no control over this.</p>