Do I allow my daughter to go to the home of Ivy alumnus to be interviewed?

musicprnt · January 30, 2010, 2:15pm

I am sorry the way this thread has gone, it has divurged into bickering, and I may have helped the process, albeit unintentionally. I can understand the discomfort a parent might have at the situation in question, people have different backgrounds, experiences, and what is perfectly comfortable to some or a lot of the posters might not be to others, and that is fine.

Frankly, where I got my back up wasn’t so much that some parents might feel it is uncomfortable, but the tone and wording of some of the posts (and yes, some of those who find the interview dilemna not a problem got out of hand). I think part of the problem is the wording wasn’t written as an opinion, such as “I find the idea of a prospective student going to an interviewers house inappropriate”, instead it mimics far too much what I see in so called discourse around and about “They shouldn’t be allowed to do it”, then justification in the form of “X doesn’t do that, Y doesn’t do that”…that is taking it from a personal feeling as a parent and turning it into an imperative for everyone else, that because they are uncomfortable it shouldn’t be allowed". Likewise, I am uncomfortable when I hear broad based slurs (generally at men), conflating personal experience of harassment with certain people growing up as a broad based reason that practice should be banned (while I can more then understand, and sympathize, with someone who has been harassed or otherwise threatened, in a certain situation by certain people, it would be like to me saying “I wouldn’t let my child interview with someone who was black because I was mugged by a black person”. There is a big difference between saying why they are uncomfortable, to making that it a broad based reason to banish a practice,and is used and has been used by too many to justify frankly idiotic actions (prohibition might be a prime example).

There is a difference between that and what some others, including myself, were saying, that logically and rationally there is little to fear in such a situation, that college interviews are quite different then common situations where issues happen, which to me is answering the original poster, who asked “what do you think?”, and there at least there was some rational attempt at discourse, they asked a legitimate question,. and people tried to give perspective to the question holder. And when someone introduces answers to the question that come off as “I am right, this practice is wrong”, without citing any kind of facts or rational, other then the idea that somehow an interviewer (especially a male with a young woman) is going to be some lusty animal ready to pounce, such a pronouncement comes off as not delivering an opinion. based at least in fact, but someone saying "I am uncomfortable with it, it is inappropriate (why? No one came forth with a rational argument, the whole implication is that a young woman with a man is tossing a lamb to the wolves, which is very much claiming that men all are molestors out to get young women, which on top of everything else, is the same MO as the fundamentalist religious beliefs we mostly claim to disavow).

I also saw jumping to conclusions, like assuming that people were assuming that somehow “being up in the ivory tower of the ivy league meant men couldn’t be rapists or molestors” or the like, rants about class and such.No one said that, and it is ironic that the assumption was this is an ivy league institution (most of the high level colleges generally suggest that an applicant do an interview, either on campus or with an alumni if they live too far away, or at least the ones I know of seem to). Suddenly if you thought it was okay for a child to interview at the house like that, it was because of some ‘elite’ snobbishness that an ‘ivy league alumni’ would never do that, which is frankly not only a stretch, but insulting. Most of the posters simply said that it is a low risk situation, that statistically or empirically no one had any proof of incidents happening (other then one example where an ‘inappropriate’ drink was offered…while questionable, I have to admit, there are also cultures that aren’t so calvinistic with drinking and late teens, in europe kids grow up with wine and beer…it could have been simply a lack of judgement, rather then an evil act, and in any case, irrelevent). No one said “an ivy league graduate couldn’t do that”, they simply said that there was no evidence for this kind of misconduct, and I and others cited other reasons why it wasn’t likely or statistically unlikely to end in problems…then we got the crap about how the interviewer is doing so to ‘boost their ego’ and that was way out of line, that isn’t adding to the argument, that is someone with their nose bent out of joint, figuring that ‘those ivy leaguers look down on us common folk’ which is a joke, lot of ivy league graduates are ‘common folks’, and most don’t look down on others, please leave that out of a real discussion and leave that to people who make a profession out of that, it isn’t an argument, it is frankly boorish…

And to those who made fun of those who felt uncomfortable, that is out of line, and I may have been in one of my posts, albeit inadvertently. Hackles got raised, some of the language was insensitive, some people defamed the other, and it causes hot topics. I tried to talk in the general, that some of this uncomfortableness comes from antiquated views of men, but it can get out of hand, and is wrong. I respect entirely why someone is uncomfortable, but that shouldn’t subject them to ridicule. Discussing the issue,pointing out why the impression might not be the reality, that is fine, but ridicule?

As far as the idea that somehow if a child can’t do an interview at the interviewers home makes them “not eligible to go to an ivy or wherever”, that is ridiculous, when it comes to issues of personal feeling or safety, that would be as asinine as saying that someone who doesn’t know how to lay out a croquet course shouldn’t be at Harvard, or doesn’t know the difference between a mezzo and colatura soprano…if the feelings are that strong, then you have to go with them. I will add that I tend to find too many parents are helicopter parents, who want to manage every aspect of their childs life, get too involved (Think this is something? You ought to see a lot of music parents, I feel sorry for the teachers…) but in the end a parent has to do what they think is best.

As far as being good parents, my rule of thumb is you can always tell a bad parent, in general the good parents are those who look in the mirror, and say “I am doing the right thing?” and doubt themselves, while the rotten parents are usually think they are great ones…and hearing the discussion on here, I don’t see any obvious “bad parents”, since all the posters seem to care, and no one seems to think they are the great parent…:)

For the original poster,the real answer is what your D and you think is comfortable. My condolences about the loss of your son, I don’t even know if I could imagine what you went through and feel, and in the end your decision is yours and your D’s, and whatever you decide, it is a decision that should be respected by anyone, and obviously I do. As a parent, you have to do what you think is best; as the parent of a child who is heading seriously into music, taking a path a lot of parents think is impractical or ridiculous (since it doesn’t terminate in being a CEO or an executive or a doctor or lawyer), I get a lot when people hear what that entails, the cost, the time, and the difficulty but know what? That is our S’s path/feeling and ours:). I wish you luck, and my hopes go out that your daughter finds her dreams, however she sees fit.

jym626 · January 30, 2010, 2:29pm

musicprnt-
Is that post going to come out as a movie anytime soon? :)

soozievt · January 30, 2010, 2:29pm

I have no doubt that each parent participating on this thread is a “good parent.” We all do what we think is best with our kids. We care or would not even be on CC.

Actually, I now recall when my kids were in All States for music, that they had to stay in strangers’ homes too. I never thought twice about any risk in that either. Same idea as the college interview. The person volunteers to host or interview and it is arranged through a third party. Just doesn’t seem to be a situation rife with risk. It is not random. I did not worry one iota when my kids were at the interviews or at these homestays about their safety with these adults.

Where I would worry is to have a teen at a house where there was no supervision. I really wonder if all the parents who are objecting to alum interviews in homes, allow their kids to be at homes of friends where no adult is present? That seems far riskier to me.

Pizzagirl · January 30, 2010, 3:32pm

JHS made the point upthread about appearances, and this is one of those where I think appearances matter. I think the appearance given by a parent who walks up with the student to the front door to meet the interviewer, who expects to be escorted into the house and to sit in another room for the duration of the interview, isn’t a very good one. It doesn’t leave a good impression.

There are times for engaging in polite fictions, and this is one of them. Even if parent / student share a car and parent drove, parent still lets student off, student walks to door, greets interviewer, etc. And if student needs to call parent at the end to signal that the interview is over, student does so quickly or with a text. There is a fiction being maintained that the student is an independent agent, even if mom is parked a half block down the road reading her book or snoozing away.

Look, it’s like going to classes when visiting colleges. I know and the professors know that the parents are undoubtedly on campus, but if my kid is expected to meet with Professor Smartypants in room 203 in Ivycovered Hall at 8:55 am and sit in on his class that begins at 9, I don’t walk with him up to the front steps or to the classroom door and introduce myself. He makes his own way, even if I really am just sitting on a park bench or in my car nearby.

mathmom · January 30, 2010, 3:38pm

I was rather aggravated by the guy who lived in our town, but preferred to have his interviews at his Manhattan office. That meant my son had to spend a school day afternoon taking the train into Manhattan, getting to the office etc. It used up several hours of that day. But at least that’s the school he got into EA!

I did think it was the interviewer’s prerogative to decide what was convenient for him.

Pizzagirl · January 30, 2010, 3:58pm

I agree. That’s the other part of playing in a grownup world … Convenience gets to be defined more by the interviewer, than the student. And part of “the game” is handling those things with grace, aplomb and even the “oh well, not that big of a deal” attitude (that I’m sure your S exhibited, mathmom). They say “mutually agreeable location” but c’mon – if interviewer is downtown and kid is 40 minutes away in the 'burbs, they don’t just agree to meet in the middle.

CTTC · January 30, 2010, 4:22pm

You would have let her do this at age 17? Yet didn’t you also write

soozievt · January 30, 2010, 4:23pm

As an interviewer, I try hard to accommodate the kids, particularly their schedules. I DO NOT even set a time for the interview. I ask them what would work for their schedule and try to make it mutually agreeable. But I also think it is fair that I set the meeting place. I am the volunteer here and I think I get to define some of the circumstances of this meeting. But I truly try to work with the student to work with their schedule. But I am not about to travel just so it also works for them as to where we meet. The interview is an offer and the interviewee at some point can take it or leave it. But my first aim is to make it workable for them if at all possible. I have only dealt with accommodating their schedules. Nobody has balked in the least about the meeting place itself. This thread is the FIRST time I have ever learned that anyone doesn’t want to do an alum interview at a house. That is why it took me by surprise.

soozievt · January 30, 2010, 4:27pm

CTTC…yes, I did write those two statements. Prior to the college years, my kids were rarely alone because most of their activities were supervised…by a director, teacher, coach, employer. They did not go places to just hang out. I knew where they were. If they went to a friend’s house, the parents were home. They were never just roaming about town. They called as they left one location and arrived at another, and so on. Their schedules were jam packed with organized activities.

But I would ALLOW them to do a job, including tutoring in a home. For example, they babysat kids in strangers’ homes. Kinda similar. In that way, as I said, just like my 23 year old is going into homes to tutor kids, I would have let my 17 year old do that, just like both my girls babysat quite a bit from about age 14 and up.

One of my kids served meals at a small country inn which is also the home of the owners. She went there and was alone with the owner many times.

jym626 · January 30, 2010, 4:40pm

Lesson from mathmom-
There is a correlation between the degree of inconvenience of the interview and the likelihood of admission :D

(JK, in case anyone could not tell)

CONGRATS MATHMOM!

glimmeringirl · January 30, 2010, 9:41pm

quote:
You want reasons? It’s a gut instinct, goes against the grain of everything we teach children, goes against all that is believed in a business environment, feeling of not being comfortable. It’s a feeling, it’s not right or wrong, it’s a feeling and that’s how I feel as a parent of my child, nobody else’s child.

Throughout this interesting thread I have been confused about who feels the discomfort about the at home interviews- the parent or the soon to be adult? My daughter would be truly uncomfortable if I accompanied her to the door of her interviewer’s home.She would not allow it, in fact. She would quickly take me to task for mixing up my discomfort with her assessment , as a confident 17 year old, of the comfort and safety of the situation . I think we can sometimes take our leads from our brave and reasonable young adults , especially if we have raised them to see adults as equals ( to be respected, for sure, as anyone should be) rather than as authority figures.

mathmom · January 30, 2010, 11:55pm

Nah congrats to my son, who did the heavy lifting. I was that he’d gotten comfortable taking the train into Manhattan with friends over the last year though. :)

thepotato · January 31, 2010, 8:20am

the alum is a stalker.

jk :)

kleibo · January 31, 2010, 9:36am

First, My son did other interviews on his own. One at the office of a doctor where he ended up waiting like an hour for the interview and another at the local library. But since you guys need to pick apart every word. For the Brown Interview - It had snowed that day, the interviewers home was out of the way - an area I wasn’t even familiar with and there was really no area for me to just hang out. At another interview - MIT - I did just what you guys said. I dropped my son off - WELL, the interviewer came out of his house and insisted that I come in. I declined because I was not the only person there - I had a girlfriend with me. But if I was alone - I would have probably gone in. I think there is way too much emphasis on the delivery of the student to the interview. My point again is that the interviewer should be evaluating the child for the hour of the interview - not how the child was delivered to the interview. As long as the interview is able to be conducted in a seperate area away from the parent, I see no issue with it. And I don’t see this happening alot. I’m sure most times, the child goes to the interview alone - as my child did on most occasions. But when it does happen, I would think the interviewer would be able to accomodate the parent and child and still be able to evaluate the child appropriately.

marite · January 31, 2010, 10:08am

^> I agree. There is no need for parents to hide. For a whole host of reasons, students may need to be given a ride by their parents; interviewers may or may not wish to ask the parents in. Parents may spend the interview hour in the interviewer’s home if they are invited in, or do errands, or drink coffee, drive around the neighborhood. I don’t see why they need to park out of sight of the interviewer’s home or huddle under layers of blankets in freezing cold. I assume that parents have driven their kids to various ECs throughout the years and have found a way to kill time.
It does a disservice to applicants to suggest that how they get to an interview site, be it a cafe, public library or interviewer’s home, should be a gauge of their ability to handle new situations in college. My then 16 year old needed a ride from his dad to an interviewer’s home since it was not located near public transport and he did not have a license yet. He’s now in grad school, having survived the rigors and challenges of 4 years of college, not to mention the college interview process.

Pizzagirl · January 31, 2010, 10:16am

Sigh. No one CARES if kid gets to the interview location in his own car versus mom driving him (or accompanying him on public transportation). There IS a statement being made by the delivery of the kid to the interview if the actual greeting comes across as parent “placing” kid into the interviewer’s hands, as if responsibility is being transferred from parent to interviewer.

There is such a thing as discretion. I drove my D downtown for 2 interview situations, and in each of those, I parked elsewhere and cooled my heels so that anyone observing her would have seen her enter the building and make her way independently. Because that’s the fiction that needs to be preserved – here is an independent young lady, interviewing for a college / job application / volunteer work – even if after the interview she walks 2 blocks back to mom’s waiting car.

If your kid goes to the mall to find a part-time job, do you walk up with them to the stores when they get their applications, do you accompany them to the interviews and introduce yourself to the manager? Of course not. Even if you were the transportation, you stay invisible. That’s how it’s done.

Pizzagirl · January 31, 2010, 10:19am

Marite, I disagree. I think if the parent is required for transportation, it’s still incumbent on the parent to “disappear” – go sip coffee at a coffee shop, whatever. I mean, I suppose if the interviewer truly insists on inviting a parent in and it’s clear the interviewer would be mortally offended if the parent said she was just going to run some errands – but I would really prefer not to hone in on my kid’s “event” like that.

soozievt · January 31, 2010, 10:43am

As an interviewer, I don’t care how the kid is delivered. I see no reason for the parents to “hide” down the street. Parents drive up to my home to deliver kids and I don’t think twice since some kids don’t drive or have access to a car to themselves. But the parents don’t come in and the kid comes to the door. Most parents drive off to kill some time and come back and wait for their kid. I cannot dream of thinking negatively of the kid for how he got transported to the interview. None of the parents have come into the home and it so happens at my house, the interview would not be private if the parent came in as my home has a very open layout.

I don’t agree with the example of mummom where she truly HID in a car down the block. That is not necessary to hide and not make it known that you dropped your kid off. It is one thing to provide transportation openly and another thing to accompany the kid into the actual interview.

For every interview I have done, I openly can tell if the parent brought them or they brought themselves. I never think of each case ANY differently in this regard. It is simply a transportation issue (we also have no public transportation here and the kids come to me from far away).

marite · January 31, 2010, 10:51am

PG:
I did not suggest that the parent insist on coming in. My preference is for parents to drive the kid to the interview site and drive off without coming to the door; but I do not think that if the parent comes to the interviewer’s door and introduces himself or herself, it is a sign of immaturity on the child’s part of should have a bearing on the child’s admissibility.
Just as I think that some parents may be excessively cautious, I think that some may read too much into an applicant’s suitability by focusing on the parents’ behavior.

Northstarmom · January 31, 2010, 10:51am

" I cannot dream of thinking negatively of the kid for how he got transported to the interview. "

I agree. I can’t imagine that an interviewer would hold it against a kid that their parents drove them to the interview. The kid might not drive or have their own car. The kid and parent may be headed to a joint event after the interview.

“I don’t agree with the example of mummom where she truly HID in a car down the block.”

I can imagine an interviewer looking out of their car and seeing the mom drive in and then hide. That kind of odd behavior would leave an impression on the interviewer, who might wonder about the mother’s mental stability or general health, and consequently be distracted from focusing on the interviewee.

" but I do not think that if the parent comes to the interviewer’s door and introduces himself or herself, it is a sign of immaturity on the child’s part of should have a bearing on the child’s admissibility."

I agree. If, however, the parent were leading the way to the interviewer’s door, and the student seemed to be hanging behind as if they were relying on their parent to pave the way, that would reflect badly on the student.

Do I allow my daughter to go to the home of Ivy alumnus to be interviewed?

CONNECT WITH US