<p>Better for him to learn now then when he has signed an apartment contract, new car loan, and such in the very near future. Learning by experience is hard, but it sticks with you. Plus, he might just surprise you.</p>
<p>Let me make myself clear…I would scrub floors so my kids could have a good education and health insurance…and I paid for those! But I would NOT pay for any discretionary spending…not a penny. And if my kid could not afford to have a car (you mention gas), then he would NOT have a car. I didn’t give my kids money for dates, trips (except with family), eating out. I DO give them little gifts every so often. </p>
<p>Sorry, but this kid CAN bail on the trip. If he doesn’t have the money to go, then he can’t go. </p>
<p>I have to wonder if he really still HAS $1500 in the bank.</p>
<p>What’s important is 1) giving your son the opportunity to learn the natural consequences of these mistakes and 2) giving yourself the opportunity to let him deal with the natural consequences on his own. If you ‘rescue’ him then no one is benefiting from the experience.
Slacker mom this says it in a nutshell, now if I can only get my spouse to read this thread so we are on the same page.
I will keep you informed. Thank you.</p>
<p>I have a kid on the borderline to making it as he wants to audition and do a lot of theater things that pay little or nothing, yet he needs to make rent and expenses. I hurt all of the time when I think about it, as I do love him dearly and wish I could just pay his way so he doesn’t have to work and juggle time and expense always at the edge. I also wish that he would just look for a job with a living wage and give up his theater pursuits for a while or just put them in his spare time activities. </p>
<p>I do and will pay for medical expenses, and premiums. I do pay for his transportation costs when he comes to visit,as the train costs a lot around here, and he flat out doesn’t have it. I give him extras in food and leftover, and things at home that we don’t need, just as I’d offer them to any friend who comes by, but I think I look a lot harder for him. </p>
<p>I’d love to do more, but I truly don’t think it would be doing him any favors. We got into a dependency mode a few times before, and yes, it can be addicting when Mama and Poppa become the ATM machines and a sad story to a shake down can come up with cash. There’s always a need for money. </p>
<p>I feel for OP. It does hurt. </p>
<p>My other son, who is careful with his money, and looks ahead, months ahead in terms of finances, found that he was not going to have enough money to meet his obligations for paying for sophomore year costs if he took a wonderful opportunity that arose to go travel with some friends, with one of the friend’s family subsidizing a lot of the expenses and providing some great options that would not be easily done or as inexpensively on ones own. To do so, he had to take off two weeks of work, the most crucial weeks in his summer job, as they offer overtime and extra pay those weeks, and he could make one and a half times or more of what he possibly could make in the earlier weeks. Because of some bad luck and some issues that occurred that second term at school, he was behind in his earnings/savings, and he got a bad draw in the housing lottery that meant increased costs the next year as well. </p>
<p>Yes, I would have stepped in and made up the gap, rather than have him turn down that trip. But I’m glad that I waited and let him work it out. Because he did. He let neighbors and others know he was looking for work, and someone asked him to house and pet sit a weekend and paint french doors. Several people came up with some work that needed to be done, and he also decided to exercise loan options for his DIrect Loan. Learned how painful, how long, how difficult it is to repay the amounts as he wanted to clear the slate, catch up in a year—couldn’t do it, but did it in about a year in a half. Oh, the lessons, he learned in handling all of this himself, over my just handing him the money which would have resulted in just ending the matter in that moment. </p>
<p>Cpt, yes, there are times when we stepped in for special opportunities- but it was when we saw ours had been keeping up their end of the deal, and then some. That’s more than being good students or nice kids. </p>
<p>The more you indulge their mistakes, it doesn’t guarantee a closer relationship. It’s so risky. Partly because they know they are always bringing these mistakes to Mommy and Daddy. This lopsided relationship is exactly what most don’t want as they reach young adulthood. Time is ticking.</p>
<p>I understand the challenge when a spouse doesn’t agree. I had to have individual have some chats with my kids, to make sure they understood my position on some issues. Not divisive, more for clarity. People tend to look at graduation as a finish line. It’s also the critical starting line for the next phase. You help them get ready for that reality. Or they aren’t.</p>
<p>Almostgrad…does your spouse want to continue to bail this kid out? Or do you? </p>
<p>ETA…I worked in education. One of our mantras…always prepare the student for the NEXT environment.</p>
<p>It’s been both of our faults; bailing him out, but I grew up with hand me downs, and my husband did not. He is older, (retired basically), and much less intense than me. Let’s put it this way, I’m the one that is asking for advise, I know there’s a problem.
By the way, I have access to his account, so he does have $1500.
I do think that if son was given the opportunity to do it on his own, he would figure out a way. He has always been “industrious”. I think its up to me to let him have that opportunity.</p>
<p>I know you are trying. Just don’t miss the forest for the trees. Don’t let him (or yourself) get so wrapped up in whether he’s staying in the frat or changing his status or can negotiate, that it becomes mired and never done. Dispatch this. He has a bill, it reflects a commitment he made, a lifestyle he did have- and 1500 in the bank. Sometimes you forget the what ifs and “just do it.” He pays it.</p>
<p>Roughly 4 months left in the school year. That would leave him roughly $230/month. He deals with that, too. You tell him, if he has some plans (a grad party or that concert,) he subtracts that and redoes the math. Maybe that;s been said here already. But it starts that simple.</p>
<p>I hear ya on the push over spouse. I am the bad guy saying “get a job” while daddy just hands over a credit card. </p>
<p>But it isn’t too late to put the brakes on the spending or to show that actions have consequences. Let him pay for the frat. He can still learn to live cheaply and he can get a job if he runs out of money. </p>
<p>almostgrad,</p>
<p>You should come up with terms then hand over the money. I do not believe that one of the terms is he needs a job before the money is given. I think it should be along the lines of: you won’t give him additional funds so IF he runs out then he will need a job. Otherwise he might actually manage his funds well and may never need the job. </p>
<p>I know for me I sometimes spend a lot in one month and then calm down the next few weeks or something to make up for the overspending. </p>
<p>I also believe you need to let him understand the value of money. By telling him to get a job before giving him money, he won’t understand how to budget if a bad situation ever happened to him (ie; he lost his job or got into an accident and become low on funds). </p>
<p>IMHO best thing you can do as a parent is to give him the money, offer advice, but DO NOT bail him out when he IS broke. He needs to solve that on his own. </p>
<p>Lullabies…the OP GAVE the son $3000 in December. This was supposed to last until the end of the school year in May. he has frittered away $1500 of that money, and now wants the parents to help pay his debt to the frat. BUT he still HAS $1500 IN the bank, and the frat bill is $550. The parent doesn’t NEED to give this kid a penny more money. He has enough already to meet his frat debt, and still have a couple hundred dollars per month of fun money. </p>
<p>What most of us Parents are saying is DO NOT give him more money when he HAS enough to pay his bills, with $950’left for fun.</p>
<p>It’s too late to tell this mom NOT to give the kid the money. She already DID give him the money…$3000 of it.</p>
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<p>Agreed. Also, am curious as to how not paying his fraternity bill and having had financial issues would affect his reputation within the institution, especially as a “good leader” among his fellow frat brothers and officers who know of his debt/money issues because of that bill/possible other financial issue incidents. </p>
<p>Would they care or would it undermine his reputation within that/other organizations enough so doing a “leadership exercise” is futile due to this issue dogging his overall reputation? </p>
<p>Why are you still discussing this? You gave him the 3K to manage his finances for the rest of the year. Let him. You said he is resourceful. He can and will make his own choices and allocate his funds.If you let him.</p>
<p>Cobrat, what his fellow frat members might think is unimportant. Completely. This is not about “oh dear, what other people might think.” </p>
<p>I agree with not bailing on the spring break trip. I certainly can’t see my son coming home for spring break and being able to find a job. It seems he really doesn’t need a job because he has plenty enough money in the bank to figure out what expenses are important to him. Since OP has been micromanaging his finances, there will be a learning curve as to how to manage on his own and I would be supportive but firm. With housing and food paid for, he won’t suffer. </p>
<p>My D1 went inactive in her sorority senior year and I think (it was a long time ago) some of it was applied retroactively as she was not thinking ahead to realize she needed to make that change, it may even have been done as an exception, but I do recall that the Sorority was intense and hard core about bill collecting!</p>
<p>If he is going to go inactive he needs to just move ahead and get it done, contact the right people, write the letters, etc. Procrastinating makes it more difficult. Think of it like dealing with a gym, you are signed up and they are expecting your money, if you are not going to pay, better make sure they know ASAP, not after the term.</p>
<p>As I recall, that same DD was always short on cash, OP, take heart it can get better, but for DD it really did not change until she was completely on her own, no tuition, no rent, no basic funding from us. Once she graduated we told her she was responsible for all basic expenses & we would help out with things we wanted to do, nothing was or is ever expected, just appreciated when it happens.</p>
<p>Thanks somemom, glad to know it gets better. I thought senior year was suppose to be less expensive for the frat? I know another parent that said his kid negotiated for half the price! He’s not even living in the frat house.</p>
<p>WOW, this thread is too long to read.</p>
<p>I confess to doing TOO much helicoptering but the one thing I did do right is get my kids checking accounts as soon as they got their first job in HS.</p>
<p>S1 has a lot of $ in the bank and spends it freely, but with thought before he does so. He is cheap in some ways, but treats himself in others…(beer!) A common practice is “pre-gaming” they drink at home before they go out so they can spend less $ at the clubs. He has paid his own expenses for several years now. He also opened up a money market style savings account on his own.</p>
<p>S2 hasn’t saved as much as I would like, but he is just turning 21. I pay for no/little entertainment and buy clothes for birthdays and christmas. We do contribute to gas because he commutes to school and he is driving a truck that we wanted to keep in the household. He’d prefer a car but didn’t give him any options. We don’t want him to buy his own car (he said he would) because we want to keep the truck. So, we help out.</p>
<p>I assume son does not have checking account or credit card? Those are valuable tools and he needs to learn how to operate them safely. You need to give him his $, but maybe keep your name on the account to keep an eye on it and warn him of impending problems. You need to sit down and teach him how to do his banking online and keep an eye on his balance. He needs a credit card (for emergencies and online purchases/bill pay) and you need to teach him how to do that online. Yo need to explain interest charges and finance charges and due dates. Show him the section of the bill that tells how much it will cost if he only pays minimum payment. Don’t throw him out there alone, but give him HIS $!</p>
<p>S2 got a Discover card at 19. He didn’t use it until he was 20. He has a low limit but is very careful to pay on time. He was happy to use it online to buy my Christmas present from Kohls this year. Discover will give cards to students, and your son is likely 21 by now anyway. S2 card even gives him cash back bonus categories. S1 got his card when he turned 18. That was before they tightened up credit rules. I don’t think he has ever missed a payment and he is 23.</p>
<p>DO this now, before he gets his own place or want to buy/rent a house and has no credit score. Teach him before he ends up in a house someday living paycheck to paycheck because he never learned how to handle his $.</p>
<p>I missed it because I didn’t read all threads. Does he work or not? If not, why not? I give my kids a lot, too much really, but not party money. Frat money is a good part party money isn’t it? Kid is fed and sheltered, that’s all you owe him. The rest is on him. Not saying you can’t slip him a $20 here or there, but not a big fat check. He will spend more wisely when he knows he can’t count on more $ coming…</p>