do I make her go?

<p>My daughter has been accepted to OSU for the fall. she has always wanted to go there and is now saying she doesn't want to go to college away from home. she is a very bright, independent young lady. but she does not have many friends and has always had a difficult time making friends. she has never attended sleep away camp and has not slept over at someone's house since she was about 10. i believe she is extremely afraid of going away and just wants to live at home. i think the best thing she can do it give it a try. but she also has a boyfriend (first one ever) who lives at home and goes to college. i guess i just don't know when to push and when do i just give in. i do not want her to stay at home. I love her but believe that going away is the best experience she can have growing up. any advice would be grately appreciated. Thanks.</p>

<p>When this happened to my sister my mom and I ganged upon her and made an agreement. She had to go away for one year. After that if she wanted to move back home no one would say a word. She went away, came home after the year to finish at the local university. No one said anything, but she always said she was glad we made her go away for the year. She grew up a lot that year.</p>

<p>The key word is "boyfriend". If you push her to go she will go with the intent to hate it and will likely do poorly as an excuse to come home and be around her boyfriend. </p>

<p>By OSU, do you mean Ohio State, Oregon State or Oklahoma State??? How far is it from home? Can she come home on weekends?</p>

<p>Maybe you could treat the anxiety and the boyfriend as separate issues. You have the whole summer; make an appointment for her with a therapist. Just say that you want her to have help working through her decision, and to find out what she really wants. It's much better for her to have a third party to confide in at this point in her very new adulthood. It's obviously a difficult time for her.</p>

<p>You may want to see if 'OSU' may defer her admission a year if she attends a local cc for one year and does well. It is not ideal, but at least this would take some of the worry that if she doesn't go NOW it is a missed opportunity. Just a thought.</p>

<p>I wholly agree that it is important to find out what's really holding her back. However, this information could be something to hold in your hip-pocket as reassurance if you really hit a brick wall.</p>

<p>What made her apply to OSU in the first place? I think that has to be part of the discussions. The other is the boyfriend issue. </p>

<p>I wouldn't have wanted my D to stay home and go to a local college because she was afraid. Most college freshman have some level of fear. I think that is what needs to be dealt with.</p>

<p>doesn't have many friends, has a difficult time making friends, never been to sleep away camps, no sleepovers since age 10, has first boyfriend that is staying home and going to college. Says she does not want to go away.</p>

<p>Ohio State is a very big place. Is there anything in place right now that makes OSU any smaller. Special living quarters? Honors college? Anything?</p>

<p>I'd let her do whatever she wants to do. Help her figure out her options and let her make the choice. </p>

<p>What you don't need are 3 a.m. phone calls all through the fall to come and get her; that she hates you and YOU made her go. Ugh.</p>

<p>The fact that she has never been away at all makes me very wary of forcing her to go now. She might need to work up to it. </p>

<p>Good luck. No one can tell you what to do here, bachbach. It is a tough one.</p>


I love her but believe that going away is the best experience she can have growing up.


<p>Would she be living on campus with a meal plan and all? Because, you know, when I think back to my years in college dorms, I have to say they were probably the most fun ever, but they weren't the most "growing up" experiences. Dorm life was like an island in time--minimal housekeeping responsibilities, no shopping or cooking or meal planning, no rent or utility bills, no maintenance concerns. Granted, the learning to live with others piece did exist, but I personally had a reasonable amount of experience in that department...and even that didn't prepare me for the "living with others in an apartment" experience.</p>

<p>There are plenty of successful people who learn to live independent lives without going away to school, so don't despair if this is really not what she wants to do.</p>

<p>Hmmm. I think fear is normal for college freshmen. But if she goes, I'll bet she'll make friends and have a good time. I like the idea of making a deal with her to go one year and give it an honest effort.</p>

<p>Although I understand why she wants to stay with safe, familiar, loving mom and dad, I think nudging her out of the nest is what she needs, even if it's not what she wants.</p>

<p>Agree with midwesterner. Telling her you understand her concerns but that she needs to talk with a "neutral" party- a counselor- over the summer to work it out. She may be willing to express things to the counselor that she does not want to express to you (like perhaps it is all about the boyfriend). Tell her it is a big decision and you will all feel better about the ultimate decision if she has professional help. She may be more willing to work through these issues honestly with someone without a stake in the outcome that is not in her family. You may also be able to make an appointment separately with the same counselor to express your concerns and viewpoints about your daughter before the couseling begins. You do not want to have to force her to go to OSU, and have it all be on your head. Good luck.</p>

<p>I think this is all about the boyfriend.</p>

<p>I agree with mom2collegekids. Buy her a "Men of OSU" calendar? :D</p>

<p>I think you can have a sit down with both D and boyfriend. Tell them that it is important that D have a career path -- you don't care if she's an attorney, a vet technician, a plumber or a preschool teacher -- but she absolutely MUST have a way to earn her way in the world. That is non negotiable. Being a cashier at Walmart is not enough. </p>

<p>Then ask the two of them what they see happening in the next five years. Boyfriend, at age 18?? may hemm and haw a bit. Heck, life is good for him now . . . why should he look down the road? Then hand them $40 and tell them to go to dinner together, your treat. Tell them you want them to come back with a plan for D that gets her a career path that she is excited about. </p>

<p>The big trick here is for you NOT to go into details about OSU. Keep your trap shut. What you want for D is her commitment to a real career path. Whether she gets to OSU this fall is besides the point. </p>

<p>I am thinking that she may find she has bigger dreams than being a cashier at Walmart -- and that BF is . . . not as mature as she thought. Those two things together may make OSU look a good deal brighter. </p>

<p>I am bothered that she does not do overnights away. IT would be well worth $200 from you to send her and a girl buddy or cousin to SOMEWHERE for a weekend just to get that fear conquered. Rose show, dog show, music concert, SOMETHING.</p>

I think you can have a sit down with both D and boyfriend. Tell them that it is important that D have a career path -- you don't care if she's an attorney, a vet technician, a plumber or a preschool teacher -- but she absolutely MUST have a way to earn her way in the world. That is non negotiable. Being a cashier at Walmart is not enough.


<p>I have a colleague who had almost the same discussion with this daughter. She had a boyfriend and thought it was OK to continue to be a cashier at the local grocery store.
He then sat down with daughter and they went through the Sunday Newspaper help wanted ads. The daughter then decided to get a BS in Nursing and now earns a good salary. The boy friend disappeared soon after she started going to college as she realized that the boy friend had no career aspirations.</p>

<p>Would a return trip to visit the campus be beneficial? Maybe you can fund a weekend visit to OSU with a friend or cousin. The girls would have a blast! She is going to have to find her way there anyway, so why not make the first trip fun. (I agree with Olymom)</p>

<p>I agree that the boyfriend plays heavily into the picture. If she attends the local college with him she will have a totally different experience (not all bad, just different). What she will miss out on are all the personal growth opportunities waiting for her to discover at OSU (or any other college away from current boyfriend).</p>

<p>I might even be suspicious that this is a way for the boyfriend to get out of his parents house by spending the night at your D's dorm room. If she had to live at home with a very strict curfew to attend the same school as BF and she freaks out about it, then that answers that question.</p>

<p>As you can tell we all have our opinions....I hope they help you sort through your situation. Good Luck!</p>

<p>I think there is some good advice here, but I also wanted to mention to the OP, from the perspective of a student embarking down the same road as your daughter, that this anxiety is normal, and is likely to wax and wane all the way up until move-in day. Moving away from home to live amongst strangers and live and attend class in a strange new place is frightening, for everyone. At this point, I don't think you should read too much into it. Be thankful that she considers your relationship strong enough that she can share these things with you! </p>

<p>I don't think that she sees the BF as a reason to stay home, but rather, since she's been with him she sees an alternative to going off to school, an alternative that is viable in her mind. When she didn't have a lot of friends at home, she probably felt ready to go off and have a new adventure. But now, she sees the BF that she likes, she sees the familiarity of her childhood home, she even sees the possibility of getting an education as a commuter like BF. </p>

<p>How long have she and BF been dating? If they recently started dating, and it's her first relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if she's also feeling anxiety about leaving him behind when she goes to OSU. </p>

<p>I can't imagine how hard it is for you as a mom to hear all of this from her, but just know that it is probably a phase. Remind her of how hard she has worked to get where she is, how much fun college can be, and what a difference a college education can make in her life. Then tell her you love her and want to be there for her and remind yourself that, as CC parents say, "this too shall pass."</p>

<p>seems normal for op's daughter to be frightened and unsure. i like the idea of telling her she must try it for one year. when my son was 15 he wanted to attend a school 6 1/2 hrs away, residential hs...not really having gone away or done many overnight type things prior to that. as the time drew closer he expressed a bit more anxiety and second guessing decision..we gave him the one year idea. once there he has never looked back (just graduated and actually will be closer to home in college than hs) BUT if a 15 year old can do it, you may be surprised by your daughter once she actually gets there and blossoms.</p>

<p>Wow this is such an American thread, something you only really appreciate when you are no longer in America. </p>

<p>There could be lots of reasons she doesn't want to go away and maybe some professional guidance/help is in order. But lets also put this in perspective: almost any other country in the world, no one assumes you have 'issues' if you don't want to move out at 18 and nor do parents feel the need to 'push their kids out of the nest' at that age for their own good.</p>

<p>That's right!</p>



<p>Olymom has the right idea; a weekend away with a confident friend or close in age cousin might help her separation anxiety. If she hasn't been away from home without parents since 10 it's understandable she is not ready to be on her own. Overnight field trips, sleepovers etc build confidence in self reliance. It's a learning process that she has not been exposed to yet. jmo</p>